Here! Look at all the things I am afraid of! October 5, 2011
Posted by brandy in a possible regret, and now you might know everything, confession of the day, family, find the dorkiest sentence in this, here is my heart, i can't believe i said that, i should be a P.S.A., I sound drunk but I assure you I am not, I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it happened this week, it's a long one (twss), it's always easier to say it than do it, lists, sometimes you just have to leap, thank you Eleni, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, when strangers see you NAKED.trackback
(inspired by one of my *favourites)
I’m thinking of blaming Nike (because after my last globalization class, I like to blame them for everything that’s wrong with the world) or all the pastel colored chick lit books that line my shelves. Or maybe I should just blame Sarah Palin because really, I enjoy blaming her for everything.
More seriously (because really, anything is more serious than Sarah Palin), I think it might be a generational thing. The idea that being afraid of anything, admitting regrets or fears is a weakness. We worked so hard to become leaders and college grads and social media mavens that we forgot it’s okay to say ‘Hey! Life is scary! Look at me, talk to me, I’m so scared I want to crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka”. Somewhere along the line, admitting to being scared turned into a weakness. Any sign of worry was a red flag that part of your life was less than stellar and maybe you should talk to someone about that. Tough stopped being about being brave enough to recognize your fears and tough became never having fears.
As I get older, I find the idea of “SHEEE-RAH! LOOK AT HOW BRAVE I AM AS I TACKLE EVERY OBSTACLE IN MY WAY! I CAN DO IT ALL AND REGRET NOTHING! WATCH AS I CONQUER THE WORLD WITH PINTEREST ENVIABLE CLOTHES, SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL HAIR, MY GORGEOUS HUSBAND/FIANCE/BOYFRIEND/RIDICULOUSLY CUTE DOG AND STRUT EVERYDAY TO MY SOUL FULFILLING JOB!”, really fucking exhausting. And because I’m exhausted and this week has had many of my fears plow me down, curb stomp me and threaten to give me a mullet- I’ve decided to share with you a few things I’m currently afraid of. I hope it prompts you to do the same. And more importantly- I hope it prompts you to share what you are scared of without feeling scared about sharing. I’m starting to sound weird. Let’s get started.
1. People judging my grammar. Isn’t that ridiculous? I know I write this blog solely for me and I write without stopping, editing or reviewing, which means each post is RIPE with errors. I know this. I try to roll my eyes at such a trivial insecurity but so many of you are grammar all-stars that I cringe thinking about you mentally noting each misused oxford comma. (And because I admitted this fear, you will now all search for grammatical errors. I KNOW HOW THIS GAME WORKS.)
2. Well, obviously the Big C. My mom was rushed to the hospital last night. They discovered she has ulcers but she also has a ‘growth’. Growth. A common word that has sent me into a maniacal cleaning frenzy only Emma Pillsbury would approve of. Because there is nothing I can do but wait for results. And if there is anything more scary than having to “wait for results” come sit by me and tell me what it is so I can beat you silly for even thinking that there is anything more scary than having to WAIT FOR RESULTS. Sadly, cancer has changed my relationship with HAD to the point where we do not speak. And when we do, it’s painful. Because we want different things, we want to achieve these goals in different ways and the only thing we can agree on is that we are both miserable. Obviously those two relationships are completely different but I’m scared that I’m not capable of dealing with another person I love going through something so devastating.
3. Being boring. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cruising Brazil snorting cocaine off wild pumas with Justin Timberlake- but the idea of being dull is one of my greatest fears. Sure, I usually spend my weeknights playing words with friends (hi! we should play together, I’m addicted) while watching MSNBC and eating corn pops- but I DO IT WITH STYLE. And when commericals come on, I sometimes switch to Fox. Or break dance in the kitchen.
4. Ferris wheels. I can’t explain it. I’d rather go on rides that involved a chance of being consumed by blood thirsty sharks than take a chance on a creaky ferris wheel. She understands.
5. Saying no. Or doing less. Or both of those things together. This week I volunteered to enter a Christmas tree in a regional tree festival on behalf of my school. I have a $2000 budget. TO DECORATE A CHRISTMAS TREE THAT PEOPLE WILL BID ON. Do I have time to do this? Nope. I also told my drama class that I am writing a musical we will start performing next week. For 25 characters. Have I started writing this musical? Nope! Did I have ANY IDEA I WAS GOING TO VOLUNTEER TO DO THIS 2.9 SECONDS BEFORE THE THOUGHT ENTERED MY BRAIN? No. I have also signed up for two committees, gave a shaky yes to joining a 10 pin bowling team (WTF?) and agreed to GET A COLONOSCOPY (that’s a whole other story and no- it wasn’t my doctor asking). LET ME SAY IT AGAIN: MY FEAR HAS PROMPTED ME TO AGREE TO GET AN UNNECESSARY COLONOSCOPY. I need to seriously get over my fears of saying no. Like… right now.
So there you have it. I admitted to ferris wheels, cancer and not being able to say no. What are you afraid of?
*You know who Eleni is right? If you don’t, go check out her blog and do it quickly! Right now! I’m embarrassed for you if you haven’t been introduced to one of the best writers on the entire face of the planet.
#5 speaks to me. Hence why I am awake at 2:15 am. I am also afraid of being left behind, people making fun of my musical taste, and never falling in love.
Firstly, you’re too kind.
Secondly, #4 is not only my biggest fear, but my biggest insecurity. If someone doesn’t look me in the eyes when I’m talking to them, my internal monologue goes something like this: Oh shit. They’re bored. I’m boring them. I knew it. I knew I was boring. Why am I not cooler? Why don’t I do ten million interesting things? I hate myself.
It’s exhausting.
Did I say #4, I meant #3. Oh gawd. Now you’re going to think I’m not boring but an idiot as well.
Bravo, Brandi! I absolutely adore the honesty of this post. And could not agree with you more.
I’m on the same page as #2, #3 and #5. Also, tunnels & dogs of the extra large variety.
I know how hard it is to “wait for results”. Waiting for my dad’s results gave me all day panic attacks. Sending good thoughts your way
We share some of the same. Cancer no doubt, being boring too. What else… finding a nursing job I love, not fitting in my favorite LBD, not being able to afford a house one day, and intruders breaking in..
I definitely have some of the same fears. And a ton of others. :/
Real quick before we dive into this–why aren’t we playing words with friends together?!?! I’m soo addicted. It’s probably the reason why I never seem to fall asleep early when I plan to.
We share all of the same fears it seems. (being boring, ferris wheels, cancer, not being able to say no…) I’m also afraid of being alone, being left out, flying spontaneously off of the edge of a cliff/mountain/high surface…the list could go on.
I am so afraid of flying, and discovering an intruder in my home. I’m also really afraid of becoming a burn victim.
I also find roaches really scary… The way they move creeps me out! And I agree with you about #3. I spend a lot of time worrying if I’m being boring, which probably makes me more boring, haha.
I love that you called out the so-called fearless people. They’re full of shit.
I’m most afraid of someone dear to me passing away. And I guess Steve Jobs was on that list, considering my reaction to his death last night.
I’m also afraid that I’ll ruin my marriage, that I’ll get Alzheimers and lose my memory (the thing I’m most proud of), that I seem ordinary, and revolving doors. I fucking HATE revolving doors.
Oh boy, revolving doors. AWFUL.
Oh dear. I’m thinking of you….I’m ALWAYS thinking of you…roomie. I hope that all turns out right with your mom. And even though it may not seem this way now, because it’s totally logical that you’d be afraid what happened with HAD and the big C will be indicative of what it’d be like should anyone else in your life also have to fight that battle, you and your mother have a bond that will not be shaken or undone by any illness or rainy day. I’ve witnessed your kindnesses to each other and know that you two will weather it. Yes, it’s incredibly scary. Yes, it is literally all you can think about. I hope that it turns out well for you both and believe that your relationship will be mutually supportive no matter what comes. I have faith in and for you. And I miss you. xoxo
Oh. And I’m panic-attack inducingly afraid of drowning. Like, the thought of it makes me hyperventilate. And scenes in movies and on TV with people taking their last gasps of air as a boat fills with water. Fucking. Scary.
And yet? You know I love the ocean and all its critters! Shark lunch bag forever!!!!
If they make a sequel to Yes Man, and change it to Yes Woman…I think I may have found the lead.
Of course this is coming from a person that avoids situations where I’ll actually be asked to do things like this so I won’t be forced into saying yes.
escalators. I saw my brother’s shoelace get stuck in one and I was standing behind him. I still have nightmares that they are eating my feet.
Death by escalator.
And ferris wheels.Fridiculous. Who thought THAT was a good idea?
I also love the fear of saying “no” I have that fear too,but I have to tell ya, I’ve really worked on it the last year, and have gotten pretty dang good at saying it. Practice, practice practice!
I love your blog posts. And I don’t know jack about grammar, so you’re doing pretty good. I won’t judge until you substitute the word “scratching” with “Itching” (example; I’m itching my arm!)
I think most people are petrified of being boring – I know I am. Boring = SUCK. No one wants that. Of course, being a person of extrememes my alternative is to be a spaz, but I’m cool with that.
Cancer. The brain kind. Or Alzheimer’s. Anything that might make me lose my mind.
I’m tempted to make all sorts of grammatical errors in this comment in order to make you feel better.
A mind would be a terrible thing to loose.
My mum recently had a bit of a health scare too, so I feel your pain. After it was drawn out for months (bloody NHS) it finally turned out she had gallstones, but I was thinking all sorts in the meantime and was so worried it was going to be cancer. It’s not a nice feeling. Hope your mum is okay.x
I hear ya on #1&3. My grammar stopped working after high school. Thank cod for grammar check on computers.
My other fears include cold water (being immersed in it), being burned alive, spiders, being surprised, and clowns (like the one from zombieland
agreed, ferris wheels are terrifying.
Juuuuust added Eleni to my reader. Thank you.
And dude? #2 is totally terrifying – I know I don’t have to tell you this, but seriously. Fuck cancer.