On insomnia, Wal-Mart denial & the grace of prayer in a bathrobe August 28, 2011
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, conversation of the day, I should be sleeping, it makes sense to me, other people say it better, something I won't forget, these are the things that happen to me.23 comments
Lately I’ve become one of those people who routinely is up at 4:30am laying in bed attempting to use a soothing voice to tell myself to go the fuck to sleep. And when that doesn’t put me into a deep slumber, I make lists in my head- things I should do, things I want to do, things I wish I would have done, supplies I need to buy at Wal-mart for the projects I started thinking about at 2am.
(Sidenote: I’ve never been a regular Wal-Mart shopper, but it opens earlier than anywhere else (8 am) so I have found myself on more than one occasion in the last few weeks, standing outside Wal-Mart at 7:58am avoiding eye contact with everyone else who is standing there too because eye contact means we are recognizing that WE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WAIT AT THE DOOR TO GET INTO WAL-MART.)
A recent 4 am project was all about re-organizing the pantry. I didn’t take a before picture (I had not realized at the time my life was going to take a turn into crazyville where my biggest accomplishments would be occurring in the middle of the night) but here is the after:
Now you might be looking at that thinking ‘wow! She got organized, well done’, but please don’t. Let’s take a closer look at what happens when you are organizing at 4 am…
Oh look! I’ve bought a fancy container with a button push top to hold crackers. That looks reasonable and an excellent way to keep crackers fresh. But wait… this isn’t regular organizing, this is 4 AM ORGANIZING… so reasonable organizing turns into….
This.
Because CLEARLY I wasn’t going to be able to figure out what those things in the clear container were without a label. A label that had to be typed. And then put on scrapbooking paper. And then was laminated. (Which required a joyride to the school at 5 am).
If this was only about crackers I could handle my crazy. But alas, a week ago I attacked the spice cupboard. Which resulted in this: 
Do I even need to explain how useless a list that says “various spices” multiple times is? It’s like naming some of the files in your filing cabinet “FILES”. Relatedly, WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY SPICES?
My neighbour has a new puppy and has been taking it out to pee at all hours of the night. A few times I’ve scared her as I’ve been carrying garbage outside at 5 am after a sweaty night of organizing. I was paranoid she thought my home was a meth lab, or at the very least I was carrying human limbs out in garbage bags in the middle of the night. So a few evenings later when she commented about my strange hours, I told her I was struggling with sleep.
She dropped the dog leash and walked over to me and asked, “Can I pray for you?”.
I don’t find myself praying often, and the only time I find myself in a church is for a wedding, funeral or when I’m backpacking Europe. But she said it so… intently and with such grace, I of course told her she could. I assumed that she was going to go inside since we were standing on the lawn, her in a bathrobe that was playing a dangerous game of show and tell with the wind and I was holding a bag full garbage. But she grabbed my hands, closed her eyes and spoke.
I honestly can’t even recall what she said. At first I felt really uncomfortable, the garbage bag had landed on my foot and mosquitoes were dancing on my bare legs. But something told me it would be wrong to let go of her hands to swat away bugs or kick off the garbage. After I let myself accept that my legs were going to be a buffet for the mosquitoes and that she was just going to have to ignore my sweat hands, I let myself stand there on the front lawn in the dark, holding hands with the neighbour in the bathrobe.
She finished her prayer, hugged me, scooped up her dog and went inside. I’m not a religious person and I’m not sure if I ever will be. But the last few days I’ve been thinking about those moments on the lawn and how much they have meant to me. I think its the whole idea of how brave she was to openly share her faith that has moved me and the fact that she was so sincere in dedicating those moments to me- someone she hardly knows.
She asked me yesterday if I was up organizing all night again. I told her the truth- that I hadn’t organized a single thing since our time on the lawn. She smiled and went inside.
I didn’t tell her that I was up until 4 am thinking of how nice it felt to have someone pray for me.
WinnerS! August 26, 2011
Posted by brandy in earning my dork badge, games we play, pretty hair makes me happier.comments closed
Because I hate contests that only have one winner, I bought another set so there could be two! Hooray! Fancy shampoo for everyone! Except not really. Because only these two people won- Amie and Kelly. Congrats ladies, email me your address to claim your prize.
And to those of you who have emailed me condolences regarding Big Brother- thank you. I’m not yet able to talk about that whole situation without using my screechy voice.
Jeff & Jordan, Turning 30 and A GIVEAWAY August 21, 2011
Posted by brandy in beauty can get ugly, confession of the day, earning my dork badge, famous people make for good gossip, i wrote this just for the picture, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, MY BIRTHDAY, pretty hair makes me happier, the last line is my favourite.comments closed
So let’s get to the most important part of this post first.
Am I the only one in love with Jeff and Jordan?
(via)
Okay, that took me over an hour to get that picture up there. Because I got sucked into spoiler websites and NOW I KNOW WHO WINS POV THIS WEEK. NOOOOOOOOOO. It’s like unwrapping your Christmas presents before Christmas. You WANT to know, but you don’t really want to know. Sigh. I need someone to take the internet away from me.
But back to my favourite people on television. These two are adorable. There’s probably about 3 of you reading this post who know who they are (or even what show they are from), but really. I’m okay with that. Sometimes you have to sign up for your geek badge and if that means I publicly admit I’m addicted to Big Brother and want to be best friends with Jeff and Jordan, then that’s what has to happen.*
Next order of business. Tomorrow I turn 30. I suppose I should have some ‘Life Lessons I learned’ or “Twenty Things I learned in my 20′s” but seriously, am I the only one who gets tired thinking of all the things I’ve learned? And I’m hoping I’m not the only one but sometimes, I like thinking ‘TODAY I LEARNED NOTHING. I REVELED IN MEDIOCRITY AND IT WAS GLORIOUS”. Maybe I’m flying solo on that one. Also, today has been a long day and currently the only thing that pops into my head when I think of what I know for sure is “I would have slapped a baby panda to get into Kim Kardashian’s wedding”.
Maybe in a few days I will have more insight into this birthday.
Lastly, as part of my whole ‘hey, it’s my birthday month- treat yourself’ explosion that has resulted in my credit card weeping and my closet looking like Macy’s on the first day of back to school shopping, I splurged and tried out some new shampoo and conditioner. Not just any shampoo and conditioner, fancy stuff. (Hint: You know it’s fancy when there’s italics on the front of the bottle). I splurged on this:
(via- Also click here for a review of the product!)
And my hair loves it! I’ve been working on not washing my hair so frequently and for avoiding sulfates/parabens (No, I don’t know what sulfates or parabens ARE, but I know I shouldn’t put them in my hair. Don’t you love my hair expertise?) and this was perfect. Not perfectly priced, but during birthday month, I LIVE ON THE EDGE OF REASON.
Anyhoodle, I love this stuff so much I’ve decided to share. Leave a comment here telling me who you are rooting for on Big Brother or share the best piece of beauty advice you ever received or spill the details of your worst haircut. One winner will receive Oscar Blandi pronto wet instant volumizing shampoo and conditioner. I will randomly pick and announce a winner on Friday, August 26th. Good luck everyone and have a fantastic week.
And if you haven’t started watching Big Brother… what the hell is wrong with you?
* I actually started writing an entire paragraph why I like Jeff and Jordan so much, so you know, you could understand my crazy but I a) started to look like a psycho and b) ( I swear to goodness) I had to quit because my mouth started to get sore from how hard I was smiling.
Contest closed! Thanks for entering!
If You Do One Thing Today, Do This… August 17, 2011
Posted by brandy in love harder, other people say it better, something I won't forget, when i ask you to do things for me.comments closed
Go here.
Read.
How To Not Be Bat Shit Crazy August 13, 2011
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, i love fragment sentences, I need this on a t-shirt, i wrote this just for the picture, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., karma is going to get you, lists, picture therapy, proof i attract crazy, top 10, what i found when i went looking, when i say it anyway.33 comments
A few months ago, I wrote a post called “How To Not Be A Shitty Person“. People enjoyed it. In fact, I got a lot of thank you emails from people who decided to passively aggressively pass it on to the shitty people in their life. Basically, it was a situation where everyone ended up winning. Because winning feels good, I decided to do a follow up.
How To Not Be Bat Shit Crazy (or “b.s.c.”)
Alternatively Titled: How To Be Someone People Don’t Dodge In The Hallway At Work
1. Vampires aren’t real so stop asking your husband to bite you. And if you are over the age of 11, do you really think having a photo of Rob Pattinson in your house is acceptable? (This is a rhetorical question).
2. If you’ve ever sent anonymous hate mail, you’ve been bat shit crazy. Want a remedy? Consider a new more socially acceptable hobby like using your taxidermy skills on roadkill rather than sharing your feelings anonymously. The only way to be LESS crazy in that situation is to sign your name at the end of your rant. And if you want to be completely revolutionary, re-think the point of sending hate mail in the first place. (And for the record, doing something like this means you have a Ph.D in being bat shit crazy. Which is a whole other level of fuckery. Congratulations. You now qualify for a reality show on MTV).
3. Don’t leave the house dressed like an Olsen twin and congratulate yourself on looking hip. Listen. I love fashion. I love mixing prints and colours and all that craziness. Fringe? Sure! Tigers? Why not! Faux fur? Let’s do it! But there’s a fine line between dressing like a carefree homeless chick who doesn’t give a damn and looking bat shit crazy. Don’t chance it. Stay classy and think hard about leaving the house in thigh high fur boots, a suede romper and Miami Vice blazer.
4. If you are Anne Coulter. Quit.
5. STOP GETTING CELEBRITIES FACES TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY.
6. Routine facebook status updates about your kid and his/her ability to take a dump in an actual toilet are not cool. Just take a minute and re-read that sentence. That I had to write. BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO UPDATE THE WORLD ON THIS. For the love of God, stop being b.s.c..
7. Consider the effect you have on conversations when you routinely add in Full House quotes. In short- Cut. It. Out.
8. Don’t email someone asking why they didn’t follow you back on Twitter. Even if you are really curious. Especially if you are really curious. It makes you look desperate. And if you do it more than once, it’s no longer emailing. It’s emauling. And emauling someone because you want answers to why Lady Gaga hasn’t followed you back? Makes you, (say it with me)- bat shit crazy.
9. Organized religion shouldn’t prompt you to hate anyone who is different from you. If it is? Get a new religion because yours is making you b.s.c.. The. End.
10. If you don’t have a page dedicated to collecting pictures of baby pandas and puppies and elephants on pinterest, you might just be b.s.c.. (And someone I am not sure I want to know). Because seriously. SO MANY CUTE THINGS. Also, this is probably the best time to apologize to everyone who follows me and gets daily *baby puppy pictures. Wait. What am I saying? You should be thanking me! Look at this!
And just in case you were curious, gushing over pictures of dogs in hats is never bat shit crazy. Promise.
*And yes, I am aware that the term ‘puppy’ implies that the dog is of young age and the word ‘baby’ isn’t necessary. But doesn’t the term ‘baby puppy’ just make it even cuter?!
August and Everything After August 10, 2011
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, confession of the day, H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, here is my heart, i like scotch & table dancing, is it weird this makes me cry?, it's always easier to say it than do it, let's not talk about how long this took, life lesson, mindful happiness, right on my sleeve, sometimes you just have to leap, things I don't say outloud, wedding season is kicking my ass.41 comments
Oh hi.
I have a blog?
What wonderful news!
Seriously though, the last month has been a whirlwind of pie baking and sleepovers and dress freakouts and pictures posed while modeling 1 am lush flush. There’s been swimming in clear water, fighting grasshoppers and napping under trees. There’s been last minute speech meltdowns and celebratory high fives. There’s been gasps over the dress, sighs over the kiss and a successful mission to recapture a flower girl gone rogue.
Originally, my plan was to try and keep life sane while preparing to watch my best friend get married- though eventually through both desire and circumstance, I dove off into the deep end and became fully immersed in all things wedding. Everything else took a backseat as I contemplated which mouthwash looked best in the bathroom kits and how to artfully walk in heels that were so high an elevator was almost required to reach their top floor.
This worked for me, because while the wedding was taking place- while I was surrounded by couples who had actively made the choice to be together it, I had a lot of time to think. To notice that couples who are happy are couples who actively work to make their partner happy. To at times, put the needs of others above their own. That happiness- really is a choice. To realize that at the end of the day, a girl doesn’t need to ‘grow a pair’ to make a hard choice, to make a brave decision- she has a pair. And although I’m leery to attribute bravery to body parts, I’d take my boobs over a pair of balls any day.
And so, at 3 am fueled on icy beers, creamy shots and a mystery drink that tasted like grapes, I made the choice to put myself first. To stop making someone a priority if they couldn’t do the same for me. It’s been days since my alcohol induced ultimatum and although one never wants to a) give ultimatums while burping Sex on the Beach shots or b) be a girl who gives ultimatums in the first place, his refusal to do something that scares him is more of an answer than any words could be.
It’s been years of back and forth, up and down, give and take. It’s been months of trying to convince someone to want the same things as me. It’s been a lot of sleepless nights wondering why I could never trump fear, why I was never worth a leap of faith. It’s been too long.
It’s August. And I’m starting over. And I’m completely by myself. And I will be okay.
