Halp June 29, 2011
Posted by brandy in adventure, Oh Canada!, people i like, when i ask you to do things for me.26 comments
Okay.
So I can teach you how to figure skate. I can clean a closet like a boss. You want a book recommendation? I’m your girl. But when it comes to booking airplane flights and hotel rooms, I’m a quivering, confused mess. I log into twitter and everyone is constantly tweeting about their great deals on flights (granted, they don’t live in Canada- aka: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE), but I’m always panicked I’m missing out.
I need to fly into Norfolk airport for the August 12th weekend (hi Steph Tanner!) where my internet little sister and I plan on wearing lots of sequins and reciting lines from Full House. I also would like to go to Chicago when everyone is going to be there for the 20sb summit (which is August 19-21st). Obviously it is far more cost effective to stay in the states and fly from Norfolk to Chicago and then fly home after. I’m just wondering, where should I start in terms of airfares? (I will be flying out of Edmonton). Also, does anyone have a good hotel recommendation for Chicago? (I plan on setting up a blogger shantytown at Renee’s for a few days but if I fly into Chicago on the 15th, I still have days and days before the event actually starts, I thought I’d be a proper guest and not take over her place. I’m thoughtful like that.)
Anyway. Any help or insight into this would be appreciated. I plan on rewarding you all with advice on how to organize your closet. I know what you are thinking, WHAT AN INCENTIVE.
(Also, if you are going to be in Chicago, let me know so we can squeal and jump around in person and if you are very lucky, I shall fake a Canadian accent to delight you. Ask Nic, she’s heard it.)
“Sometimes I think about whales and just about lose my mind.” June 27, 2011
Posted by brandy in advice, charm, games we play, hello universe? I love you, is it weird this makes me cry?, it's a long one (twss), other people say it better, people i like, school, teaching, this one might be my favourite, youth.32 comments
One of the absolute best parts of teaching young kids is that you are there for all those quotes and stories that come out unfiltered. Young kids don’t always put the words in the right order, they don’t care what others think and they are never politically correct. Which makes conversations with them one of the highlights of my job. So whenever we had downtime, whether it was eating at lunchtime or riding on a fluorescent orange school bus coming back from a field trip, I always liked to ask my third grade class questions. About love and books and reality television.
Recently while coming back from a field trip where we went hiking, one of my students asked me why I asked so many questions. My answer is the same no matter who asks it- I just like talking to people who are funny and thoughtful and kids are always both. That seemed to satisfy the group. We drove on a few more miles before the same student turned to me and said ”So basically kids are better than adults?”. I nodded yes. He turned around and rode the rest of the way home with a happy smile on his face. I did the same.
Here are just some (!) of the most memorable quotes and quips I heard in my classroom this year…. (and thank you to everyone who suggested I start keep track of these-typing them as they said them while trying to stifle my giggles made for a fun way to spend a few minutes of class time).
On Facebook
“My mom talks to me all the time unless she’s on Facebook. That’s a whole other story.”
On perfume
“I’m never going to wear perfume. I like my aromas.”
On handwriting
“God, this feels good!”
On vacations
“They are good until I get carsick every time. Last time my mom made me puke in a rubber boot.”
On math
“I’m bored. This is too easy. Let’s talk about angebra. “
On reading
“Every minute I do this I feel closer to being smarter.”
On learning about whales
“Basically, human babies are made of whale blubber”
On mental health
“Mental health probably means you take your brain for a walk when you get upset. Like you go on a brain vacation.”
On Lady Gaga
“Basically…. I don’t know for sure what it is, I think a girl but my sister has her cd.”
On koi fish
“This gold-fish looks like grandma! It’s got little whiskers like my grandma. We call her Whiskers sometimes and my mom gets angry.”
On hockey
“I will cheer for the team that wins the Stanley Cup.”
On sign language
“I don’t think blind people would find sign language really good to learn unless you were like, so smart you were in university when you were 25.”
On explaining what “Fox trot” means
“It’s a dance where you go around and get to yell to your friends as loud as you want.”
On lunch time
“Sometimes it feels like we all we do is learn and then finally it’s lunch time and my brain stops learning and my mouth starts.”
On their parents hobbies
“My dad just plays Halo and my mom talks to her friend Jen on the phone about my dad only playing Halo.”
On farting
“I’m so glad you don’t make us hold it in like how I have to do at church. That kills.”
On the Mona Lisa painting I have in the room
“I think she’s famous because no matter where I stand in the room, she’s looking at me. She’s fake but her eyes are real.”
On me killing our class sunflowers
“It’s okay, you are good at other things. Like making handwriting J’s and not scribbling.”
On the rainbow color order
“I wonder who decided Red got to be first? Probably God. Or his teacher.”
On talking about what they are reading
“Sometimes I tell people. sometimes I keep it private. I don’t have many secrets except the ones in my book bin.”
On being smart
“Being smart is basically one of the best things I have in life.”
On spelling tests
“There’s not enough brain fuel in the world to get me to spell ‘especially’ correctly.”
On the internet
“I think the best way to explain it is that it’s everything in the world rolled into one thing.”
On explaining “Survivor”
“It’s a show about these people who go away for a year and don’t get any new clothes and they have to eat only just about nothing, probably dirt and sometimes they do obstacles and they have friends and people who don’t have friends or don’t do any work have to go home when they have their fire gone. Also, if they win they get a necklace or a trophy but if they lose usually they are surprised.”
On saying “basically” all the time
“Basically, – wait. Okay. So the word just means that I know what I’m talking about. And that you should probably listen because I got my answer from a real place, like a book or something and it’s not made up in my mind or probably not in a dream. Basically it means I know things. Basically.”
Classic Avoidance 101 June 23, 2011
Posted by brandy in i do not like movies starring "The ROCK", lists, oh look! i have opinions., summer is here and it is hotter than the devils balls, the title says it all, top 10.21 comments
Congratulations to Miranda and Sarahdotcom for each winning a copy of A Short History of Nearly Everything. Hurrah! Send me your addresses and when the MAIL STRIKE is over, you will get your packages!
Now. Tomorrow is my last official day with my class and let’s just face facts. I’m not mentally ready to let go of my little burritos. Nor am I capable of even writing about them. (Whoa. I just said ‘nor’? Who do I think I am, Charles Dickens?) I’m going to work hard to not cry tomorrow. My ugly cry sounds like a pair of tone deaf whales humping and children shouldn’t be put through that.
So instead of writing something drenched in sap and prompting “FOR THE LOVE OF RYAN REYNOLDS ABDOMINAL MUSCLES, GRAB A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN” comments, I’m going to share a list of things I don’t care about. Because in a world where being labeled ‘careless’ is supposed to be an insult, there are just somethings that I really don’t give a damn about at all. Feel free to add your own ‘don’t cares’ in comments.
10 Things I Don’t Care About
1. 80% 96% 98% of all Facebook status updates
2. Anything related to vampires
3. LINDSAY LOHAN. OR HER DRINKING HABITS. OR HER ARRESTS. OR HER COURT APPEARANCES. OR THE FACT THAT EVERYTIME I WATCH PARENT TRAP, I’M TRANSPORTED TO A BETTER, HAPPIER PLACE. #DENNISQUAID4EVER
4. How many different grains are in my cereal
5. Movies involving Kevin James
6. Any meeting that occurs before 9am or after 3pm
7. Television shows about weight loss
8. Updates on the solidity of your kids last bowel movement (Sadly, this does not always relate solely to item #1 on the list)
9. Recipes that include more than 5 ingredients
10. That after my kids leave tomorrow, I’m totally going to bawl my face right off. This class has been with me during the hardest year of my life and each of them is absolutely brilliant. I will forever be thankful I got to be their third grade teacher.
CUE WHALE HUMPING SOUNDS.
On Why Mom Bloggers Make Me Bitter June 21, 2011
Posted by brandy in 20something, AGGRESSIVE eye rolling makes me mad, and now you might know everything, anger and I have sat down for tea, because "guilt" is a dirty word, here is my heart, I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, it's a long one (twss), italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, note on a non-scandal, overwhelmed doesn't even begin..., seriously, Slyvia Path has nothing on me, thank you Eleni, the world according to me, when i say it anyway.58 comments
Let’s just start out by saying this. I’m not 100% percent bitter, only about 83%. And not at all moms. Just 31% of them. But a title called “Why I’m 83% Bitter at 31% of Moms” gave my math phobic self severe heart palpitations.
One of my favourite bloggers once said “everyone has something”, a statement referring to the idea that each person is going through their own battle- a notion that has really hit home with me in the last few months. Bloggers with children are no exception. I read a lot of blogs of women in their 30′s and 40′s who are slugging it out with family and life and health and jobs. And sometimes it gets too much and they write about needing extra help for managing depression- therapy, daily mediation or medication. When they post about being depressed or overwhelmed they are applauded for being honest. When they post about taking time for themselves, they are revered for making themselves a priority. When they share that they have started therapy or begun medication, there’s a standing ovation and if you can listen closely you can hear angels singing sweet praise.
But if you are childless and in your 20s? It’s not the same. It’s been my experience that a person in their 40′s who is a mother and writes about depression and medication is treated differently than someone in their 20′s who is writing about depression and medication. There’s this idea that a 20 something hasn’t lived enough to really know what depression is or that a person in their 20′s really can’t possibly be as stressed or overwhelmed with their life to require medication because being in your 20′s is about 2 hour mani-pedi appointments and nights out that always resemble a Bud Light commercial.
Which baffles me because you know what? Being a 20 something is really fucking hard sometimes. Hell, being a HUMAN is really fucking hard sometimes. As a 20 something, you battle new jobs, new loves, new moves and the whole battle of “WHO AM I AND WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE?”. It’s in your 20′s that suddenly the world expects more from you than you ever imagined. You make choices that will affect your whole life- furthering your education, moving, traveling, settling down. You start accumulating your first awesome truckload of debt through student loans, mortgage payments and/or the addition of a vehicle that doesn’t have a Wilson Phillips bumper sticker. Add to the fact that your parents are getting older, you are competing with a facebook full of friends who married their kindergarten sweetheart and insist on uploading a picture of them happily kissing ever 3.4 seconds and shit gets real very fast.
It’s in your 20s that your heart often breaks for the very first time. Not a tiny crack like in highschool, but the kind of Earth shattering break that still catches your breath when you think about it. It’s in your 20s that you realize your life may not end up how you always wanted it to be- or that the life you want will require more of you than you ever imagined. Work demands more of you because you are new and are supposed to be eager and able to work 28 hours a day and live on Redbull and the notion that in 30 years, this will all be worth it because you will have a corner office.
Yes, being 20something can be overwhelming. And if you have great friends, family, stable brain chemistry, a delightful work situation, Suze Orman approved finances and you refuse to sign up for Facebook, it can be manageable. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, regardless of age- life takes you gently by the hand, leads you to the nearest sidwalk and curb stomps the hell out of you. For many, the remedy to that kind of pain and depression comes in the form of therapy or medication. Sometimes both. Sometimes it comes in the form of vodka tonics on a Tuesday afternoon while you wear an orange caftan and pretend to be Rachel Zoe. I’M NOT JUDGING.
Obviously I’m not saying that one age group over the other has feelings or circumstances that are more valid when it comes to needing help. Far from that, actually. As someone who is in therapy and is taking medication, I realize that depression is like lightening- it can strike anyone given the right circumstances. What I am saying is- someone in their 20′s can be just as in need of help as someone in their 40′s and should be equally celebrated for getting help. I refuse to live in a world where universal acceptance of those requiring medication or therapy to battle depression is denied based on age. The idea that one age is more acceptable to get help than another is not only sad to me, but also seems dangerous. Not just dangerous to the people who are young and are avoiding getting help because they don’t want to appear “spoiled” (and yes, that’s a term I’ve heard used more than once to describe 20somethings in therapy), but it seems dangerous to all of us- that regardless of our age that we can’t embrace the idea that at some point, everyone needs some goddamn help.
I’m going to put on my orange caftan now. It will be bananas.
This is what happens when you say YES. June 19, 2011
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, Annie Lebowitz is so jealous, because I can't do report cards 24/7, brookem is awesome!, earning my dork badge, i wrote this just for the picture, if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it's a long one (twss), lists, mindful happiness, people i like, pretty hair makes me happier, self improvement, teaching, top 10.15 comments
Yes to big ideas. Not to marriage proposals. So just… get that thought of the way. (If you listen quietly, you can hear my mom weeping).
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about saying Yes. I wrote about branching out and creating a list of 10 liberating and slightly irresponsible choices and using the month of June to jump into the deep scary end of the ocean of living. Here is the list and what I’ve done so far…
1. Instead of skipping out on the bill (which was suggested in the original list- which? Is too dodgy for me since I had so many friends working in the service industry when I was in university), pay for someone else’s meal. Not their Starbucks order- their meal. DONE. Although, I have to admit, it felt strange. I didn’t want anyone to think I was picking them up, or that I was going all Single White Female on someone so I waited for the perfect set up- a frazzled looking mom and her kids. Sure it was only a dinner at a quick take out place but the look on the waiters face when I told him my plan was priceless.
2. Spend a weekend eating only what looks absolutely delicious. Disregard proper meal times and caloric intake. Instead of fretting over fat grams and workout plans, really enjoy eating and give luscious foods a home in my body. Not Done- YET. I blame this on just not feeling good lately.
3. Email 3 of my co-workers (that I’m not particularly close to) and give them each a compliment. DONE. Holy shit this one was tricky. I regularly give verbal high fives to the co-workers I’m friends with, but randomly sending an email to someone I’m NOT close to? It felt as comfortable as my last pap smear. I thought it would be less awkward to do it in person, so I spent time stalking classrooms and then jumping in with a random work question before casually throwing in the compliment I had spent a stupid amount of time crafting. The best part was how good I felt after I talked to these people. And each of the three I complimented looked genuinely happy after. Win!
4. Get patio drunk before noon. On a weekday. Not done- YET. I’m still teaching for another five days. (HOLD ME) Although, I’m sure I could make spelling review far more interesting if I incorporated tipsy rapping and balloon hats. I would also be later unemployed after…
5. Get rid of 50% of my clothes. AT LEAST 50% of my clothes. Donate them to the neighbor’s kids who are currently wearing flood pants and paisley snap shirts. DONE. AND YES, IT FEELS SO GOOD. Getting dressed in the morning is actually FUN when you have a closet that is similar to this (I even bought an ottoman with storage.)
6. Spend an hour outside reading poetry with my class. Do not worry about where this fits into the curriculum, or what we could be doing instead. Soak in that hour and let the words of Elizabeth Bishop and Shel Silverstein hang heavy in the air. DONE! And it was easily one of the best days of the year.
7. Do not give a single further ‘hello’ in the hallway to the co-worker who made May miserable. DONE. Except change the words ‘hello in the hallway’ to ‘a thought’. I can’t cure politeness and not saying hi would be roughly 10,000 times more awkward than just saying hi and moving on.
8. Hold another contest and give away something I love. DONE and DONE.
9. Buy a plane ticket. Not DONE -YET. But it’s happening. I’m finalizing plans to visit so many of my favourites this summer. A blogger shanty town in Renee’s living room? Yes please!
10. Get up an hour earlier, whip out the hot rollers, liter of hairspray and invest a morning in creating the hair I caress on magazine covers but am always too lazy to attempt to replicate. Not DONE- YET.
So all I have left is to get ridiculous drunk at noon, eat my weight in deliciousness, buy a plane ticket and create a kick ass hair day. I like my odds.
What have you done this month that you are proud of?
A Short History Of Contest Winners & A New Giveaway June 16, 2011
Posted by brandy in books, books i'm not writing, earning my dork badge, games we play, i promise this is cool, it's a good thing, just say yes, mindful happiness, you're skimming this one.23 comments
The lucky winners of “A Girls’ Guide To Hunting and Fishing” by Melissa Banks are….
Congratulations! Email me your address! Now on to the new contest…
In the sixth grade, I remember my quirky teacher with the thick British accent and love for Laura Ashley flowing dresses talking about the idea of what piece of art would best represent our world. More specifically (and far less lofty), we were talking about what we’d send to outer space in a care kit in case aliens stumbled across it. I remember being absolutely stumped.
Twenty years later, I have my answer. (Or part of it)
I’d send out “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson.
(via)
STAY WITH ME.
It’s a book that shows humans how we came to be and all the science that we’ve learned along the way. It’s filled with gorgeous photos, funny anecdotes and memorable comics. Every time I pick it up, I learn something new. Like the fact that 98% of everything that exists (in terms of the Earth) was created in the first 180 seconds of its existence. Or that “the term supernova was coined in the 1930′s by an odd astrophysicist named Friz Zwicky- a fitness fanatic, who would often drop to the floor of the Caltech dinner hall and do one-armed push ups to demonstrate his virility”. It’s far more clever than any book could attempt to be and it’s full of charm.
Even if you hate science, there’s funny stories and breathtaking pictures to make everything far more entertaining than your grade 10 Science teacher ever attempted to be. And even if THAT doesn’t convince you of the greatness of this book, isn’t it great to have a book like this around to impress those assholes who scan your bookshelves at parties looking for something to negatively comment on? They will be in awe of you owning such a kick ass book. It’s the one book I think everyone should own. In short, I have a crush on this book. Want to join the cool club and to look pretentious by having a fancy science book on your shelves?
Here’s how:
Leave a comment sharing who is your blogging crush/idol/inspiration. Share a link and name of someone who has made a positive impact in your life, who has inspired you, who has prompted you to start taking pictures of your food before you eat it, who makes you laugh, who has prompted you to try something new, whatever it is. Share their name and explain why they give your heart a boner. Contest will close next Thursday (June 30th) and I will pick TWO winners to receive this book and will be sharing one last giveaway (hint: It’s a book someone has mentioned in the “summer reading” comments!). Good luck everyone!
For word nerds, contest lovers & people who adore free stuff June 9, 2011
Posted by brandy in better the second time around, books, books i'm not writing, summer is here and it is hotter than the devils balls, the title says it all, the world according to me.73 comments
So it’s summer. Which is great, because I’m tired of it being spring. As soon as people talk of spring, some asshole has to throw in the word ‘cleaning’ then I feel like I need to spend every free weekend washing floors and scrubbing dishes. But once summer hits, suddenly people start talking about reading and that whole nasty ‘spring cleaning’ idea is thrown out with as much grace as Courtney Love shows after a three day bender.
As someone who adores books in big ways, I love the idea of an entire season dedicated to reading. A morning curled up in bed with a thick novel, or spending an afternoon gently caressing the spines of carefully shelved books gives me a tingle up my leg. Beach days dedicated to trashy novels about shopping and shoes, road trips punctuated with classic read out louds and nights of sunburnt legs on cool blankets reading the latest non-fiction book recommended by your not so secret love- Jon Stewart.
Because I often get heart boners when discussing my favourite books, I’ve become someone who people go to when looking for recommendations. I have to admit- I read books like I tackle buffets- with reckless abandon and a willingness to try anything once. My shelves are crammed with laugh out loud biographies, political commentaries, sci-fi novels, thick classics, pink covered chick lit, grizzly mysteries, well-worn childrens books and an entire shelf dedicated to Malcom Gladwell because he is my personal Jesus.
I’ve decided to kick summer off with holding a book give-a-way. I will have a contest every week for the next three weeks. Each week will have two winners (because I hate contests with only one winner). The winners will receive a copy of my favourite book, with my fingerprints all over it. And if you are lucky, I will breathe on it before I send it off.
This week’s give away is one of my all time favourite books, The Girls’ Guide To Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Banks. To say that I love this book would be to say that I find Ryan Reynolds mildly attractive. It just does not CUT IT. I refuse to even try and sum it up because nothing I can say will do it justice. I will say it’s a book that made me want to write. In fact, it made me itch to write. So many of the lines in this short book echoed in me long after I first put it down. I’ve re-read it throughout the years, my copy is worn and highlighted- a stamp of my obsessive love for this piece of writing.
Want to understand my addiction? Leave a comment telling me what your favourite summer read is. I will make the draw next Thursday (June 16th). Already read this book? Come back next Thursday when I announce the second contest, where I will be giving away two copies of my absolute hands-down favourite *non-fiction book of all time.
I know. The excitement is palpable.
*I strongly believe that this non-fiction book is a book everyone should own. So strongly in fact, that if I was a bazillgazillionaire, one of the first things I’d do would be get everyone a copy of this book. After I cured all diseases, taught everyone to read and basically dropped a Mother Teresa bomb on the entire planet.
Contest closed. Thanks to everyone who entered!
I spent 144 hours thinking about what to write and 12 minutes actually writing this post. June 8, 2011
Posted by brandy in karma is going to get you, proof i attract crazy.74 comments
Well. Let’s just get this started.
A week ago, a blogger emailed me and shared with me an email she had received about me. Some anonymous person (because of course, these people are always anonymous) decided that the best way they could spend their time on Earth would be to write a novel full of lies about me and share it with the entire internet.
No, really.
And for the record? It’s all lies.
I’ve tried to articulate to friends how it feels to read something about you that is completely fabricated and realize that you have no control over who gets it and/or how they receive it. The first feeling is disbelief. Until your inbox starts piling up with messages from people around the world showing you the psychotic (their words, not mine) email they have received, it’s hard to imagine anyone having enough time to create such a work of fiction. I’ve spent hours laying in bed wondering what it would take, how much hate you must have in your heart, for you to actually take the time and pen such an epic novel that’s so drenched in lies that at times, it still does take my breath away. Days later, I still can’t explain it. If it wasn’t so scary and hurtful, I would almost be able to marvel at the lengths someone took to do this.
The next feeling is paranoia. Suddenly you look at everyone differently. You question each person in your life, wondering if they are the one who secretly hates you with an unparalleled fashion. You lose sleep wondering what you did to spark such a hate. You listen as friends tell you that someone capable of doing something like this is obviously mentally unwell. That does not bring you comfort.
After the paranoia exhausts you, you realize how hurt this makes you. Besides the fact that this email was obviously designed to upset me, it bothered me that it was written by someone who did know me and who had followed my life. Someone who read my blog. Someone who knew me well enough to know exactly what to lie about and would know exactly how to hurt me. The depths this person has gone to, both astonishes me and makes me sad for this person. This wasn’t an offhand comment that accidentally hurt someone. It was an intentional assault caused to create pain. And a person capable of that, is capable of far worse. Which makes me worried for them and their mental health.
The only time that I find myself feeling angry over all of this is when I reflect on the last year and how fucking hard it’s been. To share what I did, to put it out there, to admit that I was failing… that took a lot. I’m not saying that so a cheerleader congratulates me, nor am I saying it to try and persuade anyone who (God forbid) believes even an ounce of that email. I’m saying it because it makes me angry that after going through the hardest year of my life and sharing what I did in hopes of reaching out to others, someone took it upon them to imply it was all lies and to dismiss my experiences entirely.
They dismissed a Christmas I spent bawling in front of my friends. They dismissed 3 am phone calls and weekly therapist appointments. They threw away the hardest post I ever wrote. They rejected nights I spent alone driving and how much it took to come back home at the end of each drive They tossed away being brave enough to talk to someone about being medicated and they completely disregarded a human that I will always love and who is going through something that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Even the person who wrote this novel.
They dismissed my life and labeled it a lie.
I admit, I panicked after I got the initial email- I was scared people would believe this anonymous person and dismiss everything too. But the longer this has gone on and the more people who I’ve talked to, I’ve realized that I honestly don’t care. The people I love, the ones I trust and the ones who know me? They know the truth. They’ve watched me cry and have heard me at 2 am. They know what my ugly cry sounds like and they know HAD is going through more than anyone should. And if someone chooses to believe an anonymous coward who is capable of nothing more than weaving a web of lies, then they will make that choice regardless of what I will say. And I’m at peace with that.
Do I know who did this? I have a very good idea. I could call them out here but why? I studied drama in school, it’s not meant to live on my blog. At the end of the day, they will have to live with knowing what they have done. That’s going to be more painful than me sharing their name and unleashing the fury of the internet on them.
I do hope that they get the help they need to deal with their obvious issues. I’m sad that they chose this route to unleash their feelings, it must have taken them a long time to brainstorm such a story. I hope they find a better use of their time in the future. And lastly? I hope one day they realize that a blocked IP address doesn’t make them invincible. Or anonymous.
Protected: Angry. June 2, 2011
Posted by brandy in disappointment, sad, seriously.Enter your password to view comments.
