“Every time my engaged friends start talking about weddings, I tune out and imagine Rob Pattinson naked. It calms me.” November 14, 2010

It’s Secret Project time!

Here’s my not so secret, secret: I miss you.

Also? I am ANGRY at every online poll that has ranked “Out of Sight” as the sexiest movie ever. I’m watching it, and although I adore me some George Timothy Clooney, I feel confident stating that buying toe socks is sexier than this movie. End rant.

And yes, I have pre-ordered Harry Potter tickets for next week. Yes! Okay Muggles, let’s get this show on the road!

1. I’m a gay man, open, in a relationship.  And I LOVE men.  But for some reason I still really want to have sex with a woman. I know it’s odd, and I don’t mean to objectify anyone, but I think some uncomplicated sex with a woman would be great.  (But isn’t sex always complicated somehow?)

2. I ’m incredibly and deeply in love with my boyfriend. He lives 90 miles away, and we’re both in school so we’re too busy to see each other as much as we used to. I secretly drive up to his place and he’ll come home and I’ll spend the weekend with him. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me and I definitely would not cheat on him, but i have this unforgettable thought just resting in the back of my mind that he’s going to meet someone better. Chances are very high. He’s going to meet someone who is studying the same things as him, and hes gonna love her. He’s gonna forget all about me and just move on. I could move in with him, its always been a topic between us; but he’d get so annoyed with me. He’d get tired of me and just fall out of love with me. I know its going to happen. And I’m so terrifiied. =(

3.  I was raped in March by a guy I was going out with. It was our second date. Months later I still feel lost and violated and so unbelievably stupid for not knowing what kind of person he was. Worse, I didn’t press charges. Now he is dating some woman and I am filled with resentment that he is happy and I can hardly bear to be touched. I used to feel beautiful when I looked at myself in the mirror but I can’t see that woman anymore.

4.  I lost my virginity this weekend (after 25 years) and I can say is “seriously? What’s the fuss about?”. Maybe I need more practice….

5. Two years ago I got involved with a ‘blogger’. He seemed sweet, dedicated all his posts to me and I was smitten. Then he dumped me for a co-worker. Then he moved from his co-worker to another popular blogger. Then to another. It’s been two years and i’ve watched him make the rounds with all of these girls, wooing them with his words. It’s frustrating that he’s seen as a darling of the blogging world when he just uses girls until they don’t inspire him anymore.

6. My boyfriend is wary of how much he looks like Don Cheadle. I claim to not have noticed when we first started dating (he was self conscious of people dating him for his looks), but between you and me (and all your blogger readers!), it was TOTALLY what first caught my eye. Of course, I fell in love with his personality but the comparison was what I first noticed.

7.  I just found out my (first) ex-boyfriend probably has cancer. And he isn’t going to get tested to confirm it because he doesn’t have the money for treatment, so he’s just going to ignore it. I’m also not supposed to know any of this. My first reaction was “Oh, we’re going to have words.” But then, I’m not so sure. I mean, I certainly don’t have money to help him, so what do I do/say?

8.  My mother recently sent me an email about my beliefs about an issue we strongly disagree on. She was great about it too–instead of accusing me or getting all bent out of shape (at least to my knowledge) she sent me a nice email and asked me some plain questions about the issue in order to understand my feelings better. I sent a super long email in return, just to make sure I explained what I believe, how it changed, etc. It’s been almost 2 weeks now and I’ve gotten no response, and I know I’ll probably never get a response. It’s how things work. It’s like everything remotely uncomfortable or controversial gets tabled. They were strongly opposed to piercings and tattoos. I got both, and not a word. If I do ever hear from them, it’s in an email. Sometimes I just want to all-out brawl with them just to get everything out on the table. On the other hand, I’m not sure I want to know how they really feel.

9. I read a Wally Lamb book once where the main character imagines her food covered in mold and it helps her lose weight. I remember thinking “That’s so extreme! I would never do that, I love food too much”, but lately, I find myself doing that. I’ve lost 13 pounds. I don’t think it’s unhealthy, I only do it when I’m tempted to eat unhealthy  foods, but the fact that I’m doing this, sort of makes me nervous. But not nervous enough to stop.

10.  Everyone at work comments on my skin and how it always glows. The truth is, my boyfriend and I have sex in the parking lot most mornings when he drops me off. Surprise! I giggle everytime  people ask me for skin tips. Here’s one: HAVE MORE SEX.