“My biggest fear is I’m still a virgin. I’ve been married for 7 years.” April 25, 2010

It’s Secret Project time! Submit your secret (or secret crush) to brandyismagic (at) gmail.com.

I decided when I started the project, I would not reply to anyone who emailed me a secret. Mostly I did this because I wanted people to feel free to email- and not worry about what kind of reply I would send, because sometimes with secrets, you just want to say them without getting advice or input back. With all of that said, #7? I hope you check out this blog. It’s new, it’s anonymous and it’s incredibly brave.

On to the Secrets!

1. Last week I had an abortion.  I know I made the right choice and am so incredibly grateful to live in a place and time wherein that choice was mine, but I don’t feel like I can tell a soul.  The secrecy has been the most difficult part.

2. I love my roommate but I hate, hate, hate how she thinks we’re so close that there is no need to let me have my own personal space. Sometimes, I want to go back to my parents’ house just to get away from her constant knocking on my door (she just bursts in if I don’t lock it). If I’m in my room and not in the living room, that probably means I want to be left alone goddammit!!!

3. I have not had sex in two years and ten months.  I purposefully took a year off of dating, but that has turned into almost three years for various reasons.  I think deep down I would rather just have a fling (a healthy fling) with some guys and not worry so much about the relationship part right now while I am trying to get my life settled a little.  But I am terrified that if I just had some casual flings that some of my friends would judge me negatively.

4. I go to McDonalds just to check out a dude who works there. He’s got to be ten years young (but still legal!) than me (I’m 32), but he’s like a young Jared Leto. I’ve gained five pounds in the last month.

5. My secret crush is Susan Sarandon. I’m a young, single dude but I’d take her over any Playboy girl anyday. Bull Durham? Yes please.

6. I’m getting married in 8 weeks to the most loving man in the world. I’m starting to think I might be a lesbian. And I have no idea what to do.

7.  I was raped when I was a teenager. I recently told my family and they were… less than supportive. They didn’t blame me, they weren’t angry, but they also didn’t seem to understand why I felt the need to tell them about something that happened over a dozen years ago. As my mom said, she didn’t understand why I needed to ‘stir the waters’. I feel more alone than ever.

8. I have always believed in soul mates and one perfect match. Now I’m in love with two people. I feel like this is karma, since I had to open my big mouth and spout the idea of one person for each person.

9. I have four friends getting married this summer. I love each one of them dearly. But part of me wants to fast forward through all of these weddings. They are just so expensive, and as much as a bride doesn’t want to be a bridezilla, it’s impossible not to…. change a little with all the stress that goes on. It’s already started happening and it’s giving me a headache. If I have to go through one more conversation about bridesmaid shoes, I may shoot myself. I feel like a horrible friend.

10.  I’m tired of feeling guilty about not recycling or ‘going green’. I hate that everytime I throw a piece of paper in the trash, I have two co-workers who give me a “look” for not searching for the recycling bin (that moves all the time) and stopping what I’m doing to recycle one lousy piece of paper.