“If the photocopier is jammed, I’m the asshole who just walks away and waits for someone else to fix it. Every time” January 27, 2010
Posted by brandy in the secret project.34 comments
It’s The Secret Project Day! Yes, I know. Secret Project day is usually Monday and then this past Monday I said I would post the new secrets on Tuesday but people? I started teaching a new unit in Science and it’s kicking my ass all over town.
The unit: Buildings and Materials.
The scene: Each day it’s me and 18 eight year olds. Building things like gumdrop bridges and chocolate skyscrapers (okay the first one is true, the second one is only a dream, oh but what a dream it is). Sounds fun, doesn’t? Add in 4 kids who have NO self control (as in, “*weeeeee I just colored marker all over my face and books and desk because I like drawing!” or ” **whooooooo I just went and farted in someone’s face while they worked because no one told me I couldn’t!” ) and … no wait, there’s nothing else. Just try to imagine building things with 18 kids. I don’t even need to add on to that. Now you know why my ass is getting kicked this week.
And yes, I just hijacked The Secret Project! post to complain about getting paid to build gumdrop bridges.
My diamond shoes are too tight as well.
Now on to the secrets!
1. I think my best friend is jealous of me. Her roommate, also a friend of mine, said something along those lines recently. She’s never said anything, but her actions indicate that there is definitely something wrong. I don’t have many girlfriends and I really love her, but the way she treats me is getting to be awfully hurtful. I don’t know how to bring it up with her to fix it.
2. I’m a good mom and a great wife. I drive my kids to karate and piano. I give as much as I can. But the one thing that I refuse to share? My ridiculous stash of root beer. I even label my cans. My husband has started calling me “the root beer nazi” and threatened to tell everyone. It doesn’t sound like it would be a big deal but when I catch one of the kids or my hubby drinking one of mine- I’m genuinely mad!
3. My husband keeps coming up with reasons to not start trying to get pregnant and I’m afraid we could be running out of time… I am afraid to push him because then he might end up resenting me, but I am even more afraid that if I don’t push him then I will end up resenting him.
4. My boyfriend thinks I’m really upset that the Jets didn’t make it to the Superbowl. I heard him talking on the phone to his friend and said it was really cute how dejected I looked. I don’t have the heart to tell him, I could have cared less about the Jets- I’m just said the etsy cowl I wanted to buy is no longer in stock. 
5. I’m embarrassed to admit how disappointed I was when I didn’t win a 20sb award.
6. I’m getting married this summer and my grandmother offered me her dress. This was a VERY BIG DEAL, so I couldn’t refuse. I just tried the dress on and it’s ugly as sin. It’s the complete opposite of what I would ever want. My mom says to just grin and bear it- it’s one day but I’m torn, I’d like to at least show SOME SKIN (like arms, or a hint of ankle) on my wedding day. I have no idea what I’m going to do.
7. I know the video was made for you and HAD, but every time I watch this, I can’t help but feel better- like it was made for every blogger ever going through a rough time. And as insane as it is to say this, I’m envious of your situation- you know how many people in the blogworld care about you. I wish I knew.
8. I love my best friends more than anything in the world. But every once in awhile they put me down, and while it may be off handed, or in a joking manner, I take it personally. Secretly though? I think they do it because they’re jealous of me.
9. I wake up every single day scared that I’m going to have nothing to blog about and lose the readership it’s taken me 5 years to build.
10. The only way I can get through meetings with my boss is thinking of how great the sex was I had on his desk with my boyfriend. (If you have never done this, YOU MUST).
Lastly, if you haven’t done it already- PLEASE go check out the new loveharder site. It is absolutely breathtaking. As in, when I first saw how lovely it looked- I MY BREATH WAS TAKEN AWAY. (Over $3,000 has been raised at this point- our new goal is $5,000. Please donate if you can). Also? If you haven’t already bought this shirt, what are you waiting for? I bought mine in blue. 100% of the proceeds go to Haiti, an area we all know needs our support right now. If there’s one thing I learned this week, every action counts. So take action.
* This actually happened today.
** This too. I weep for the future.
“Everything seems impossible until it gets done” January 24, 2010
Posted by brandy in H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, hello universe? I love you, is it weird this makes me cry?, it makes sense to me, it's a good thing, lists, love harder, love or something like it, people i like, the title says it all, this one might be my favourite, when i ask you to do things for me.29 comments
That’s one of my favourite quotes. It’s one that’s been ringing in my head since last Wednesday when the internet ROCKED MY WORLD and showed me just how much people care. And how much people can do. Because internet? You are getting it done.
You really are on fire right now. Not “what’s that smell?” sort of fire, but “Whoooo! LOOK AT US GO!” sort of fire. As of today, YOU have raised over $3,000 for multiple myeloma research. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Cue confetti!
Not only that, the loveharder shop is selling stuff at a rapid pace and the loveharder blog is up and running! Seriously, I’m exhausted and I’m not doing any of it. Laurie deserves heaps of praise for tackling this project. Also, Lilu’s video? Over THREE THOUSAND views on youtube. (*Probably a thousand of them are from me, I’m seriously addicted to watching it over and over and spotting everyone!)
So here’s the thing. Last week was amazing and we don’t want this to stop. Here is what you can do to keep this going:
- Submit a video! Answering the question: “What Inspires You To Love Harder?”. This is open to everyone, but 20sb’ers especially? I know you love vlogging. So show the world what inspires you. (Extra points if it involves cheese products, bubble baths or movies starring Colin Firth. ACTUALLY- extra points if you combine all three of those somehow. Oh Colin. Swoon). Videos due Sunday, January 31st, submit to : theloveharderfund@gmail.com
- Stop by the Shop. Valentine’s Day is coming up, spread the love by shopping for something special here that’s going to help an amazing cause. (I bought the hoodie and a t-shirt- and just tried to think of some clever way to work the phrase ‘my heart is on my sleeve’, but I really just don’t have it in me right now. I’m not that creative on a Sunday night).
- See if you can volunteer your web designing services. (Sadly, I cannot volunteer to do this, since the idea of changing my header causes me to break out into hives. Speaking of- I WANT a new blog design. Of course I’m willing to pay- in cash or salt- whatever is preferred. Who do you recommend?).
Thank you again for everyone who has participated in making our difficult time into a reason to work for change. H.A.D and I are both incredibly grateful.
Also? The Secret Project won the 20sb award for “Best Blog Project” so keep your submissions coming! I will be posting new secrets up tomorrow. And to the person who emailed me tonight with their secret involving rootbeer? Let’s get married.
Oh! Also, a huge thank you to everyone who voted for me here. Best Twitterer. Seriously. This makes me giggle. I have no freaking clue even how to link my twitter site to my blog, so for those wonderful people who found me on twitter and voted- virtual internet high fives! (@brandyismagic) is my twitter name. Find me and we can be friends! That last sentence made me sound like I was 7 years old. And also clearly illustrated my fear that my excessive use of exclamation marks makes my IQ appear to be lower than what it is. Ahh, the burdens I face.
I think that’s it. If I was going to re-title this email, I think I would call it “THE ONE WITH ALL THE LINKS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS”. The Colts won today, H.A.D. started chemo and is feeling good and the braid I put in my hair today looked a little more LC and a little less 7 year old, so I’m declaring today a win for the universe. Have a good Monday universe!
And if you are camera shy, have a broken camera or believe the only time you should see yourself on camera is if you are child in a ballet recital- and can’t submit? Tell me in comments: What makes you love harder? And if you need more time to think on it, just tell me what the best part of your weekend was. I’m on a happiness roll right now and want to hear what made yours great.
* I gold medal in writing creepy sentences today
Thank you January 20, 2010
Posted by brandy in something I won't forget.106 comments
Awhile ago there was a lot of talk about bloggers and cliques and 20somethings. I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t clearly express how I felt- how I still feel. Blogging is not a clique. It’s not a club of people who select members based on anything other than the fact that they have a blog. It’s not about living in the same city, liking the same music, swearing to the same faith, having the same job, sharing the same dreams. It’s not any of those things.
It’s about having the courage to sit down and type out your thoughts- to be brave enough to hit publish and be curious enough about the world to search out others and invest your time in learning about their lives. It’s about snail mail saying you are thinking of them, it’s about phone calls and 3 am emails, it’s about hearing a song and smiling thinking of one of your favourite people. It’s about remembering important moments in their lives, about sharing in their joy- and being there during the struggles.
How do I know this? How am I so sure that blogging is more than a members only group with special jackets earned only through shared location or religion or ideals or dreams?
Because I have never met a blogger in person (YET). I’ve never met a single one of the people who worked so hard to make the video that brought me to tears today. I’ve never shared coffee with any of the amazing people who donated today to www.loveharder.org . I’ve never swapped stories and downed margaritas with the ladies who worked so hard to get this project done. I’ve never met any of you in person- and look, look what you did for H.A.D. and I. Just look.
I’m typing this while attempting to do the *pretty cry, but I’m veering towards ugly drunk girl cry (minus the drunk part). So I will end this for now. But to every single person today who participated in this video or donated or tweeted or retweeted or posted this on their blog or emailed or called or texted? Thank you. A million times over. It is one thing to see that the internet has your back, on your hardest day when you feel like you are fighting your toughest battle- it’s a completely different feeling to believe that they do.
And internet? I believe that you do.
Thank you.
Featuring the vocal stylings of:
Maxie, Ben, Tia, Alexa, Kyla Roma, Sizzle, Rachel, Jessica, Rachael, Katie, EP, Courtney, Tipp, Nicole, Jamie Varon, Laurie, L G, Ashley Marie, Wishcake, Matt, Doniree, Chelsea, Lisa, that short chick, Princess Pointful, Derek, Jess, Marie, Jamie, Jenn, Ashley, Erin, Jessica, Renee, Allie, Grace, Rachel, Restaurant Refugee, Titania, Brad, Jolee, DC Princess, Patrick, and Deutlich.
AND LiLU!
* pretty cry= what starlets do in old movies. That kind of cry that shows no emotion, minus perfectly shaped tears rolling down perfectly powdered cheeks. aka: cry I used to try and practice in the mirror as a teenager when I felt the WORLD DID NOT UNDERSTAND ME AND MY ANGST
ugly cry= the kind that makes your face look like a bulldozer and involves enough snot to float a barge. aka: the kind of cry I did tonight.
Loveharder.org is an absolutely amazing project that I am so thankful for. Thank you to everyone who has donated so far. Over $2,000 has been raised. $2,000. Unbelievable.
My heart is full.
And has an erection.
Of love.
Tell Me I’m Normal January 18, 2010
Posted by brandy in beauty can get ugly, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, earning my dork badge, find the dorkiest sentence in this, H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, harry potter, i am slowly going crazy, i complain because I care, i like cupcakes more than gluten, i may write about the west wing forever, i'm hot like fire, it happened this week, it's almost like a meme, lists, oh dear, p.s. i love me, pretty hair makes me happier, proof i attract crazy, quote of the day, reinforcing stereotypes since 1981, right on my sleeve, secrets, sometimes i get violent, the last line is my favourite, the one that nobody reads because of the title, this makes me sound dumber than i am.102 comments
1. When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a *robot. (Because yes, that’s a serious concern I have- people mistaking me for a robot). “Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate, Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate. Why yes, it IS cold out today. Oh you like my hair? Thank you! What would I like? Oh that’s easy, Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate”.
2. Not only do I practice my order- I routinely practice conversations with people who will only end up saying ” That’s $4.04- have a nice day” to me. They do not compliment my hair.
3. Strangers not taking an intense interest in my appearance sometimes disappoints me.
4. If wearing a white shirt and eating spaghetti, I sometimes give myself a pep talk beforehand. Ie: ” I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.“. As in, I can eat a meal without it getting on my shirt. I’ve yet to achieve this goal. Is it just me or does the chance of food falling significantly increase if a) wearing white b) wearing your favourite shirt or c) trying to impress someone?).
5. I will do a personality to quiz over and over until I get the result I want. And then I will act completely surprised that I got what I wanted. (Note: I never end up being labeled “someone who manipulates quizzes to get the desired result because they have an enormous ego”. Thankfully. That would be weeeeird.).
6. I think about the new Harry Potter movie everyday.
7. I cannot have more than 20 emails in my inbox at once. Any more and I succumb to a nuclear meltdown and end up lying on the floor, breathing into a paper bag willing myself to rest my wary and exploding head. Emails have to be immediately responded to, archived or deleted. I have no idea when this habit started of being a 20 emails only freak- or why it’s 20 and not 30 or 50 (just typing 50 made me shudder), but it’s 20. On the plus side, if I tell someone “hey, your email? STILL IN MY INBOX!” it’s one of the biggest compliments I can give. Unfortunately people don’t know that I only keep 20 in there and consider me a tool for letting them know that I have kept their email. Sad face.
8. If people say they don’t like “The West Wing”, I just assume they are confusing it with another show. I really, honestly cannot comprehend someone not liking that show. Such an event is just… nope, I can’t stretch my brain around it.
9. Speaking of television, I miss the show “Felicity” in big and important ways that make my 28 year old self ashamed.
10. If someone hurts my feelings, I’m not a yeller. Or fighter, really. I just… stop talking. And I can’t look at them. I turn into a submissive, mumbling, avoider. But if someone hurts my friends feelings? I will stomp on you. And your soul. And your mamma.
11. I have yet to finish reading a beauty magazine and feel BETTER about myself, yet every month I wait dutifully for new magazines to come out so I can take them home, caress their pages and feel as though my life is incomplete because I don’t own a skirt that costs more than my car. And university education.
12. I have probably 40 pairs of earrings. 20 bottles of nail polish. The most complex set of hot rollers ever. And everyday I wear the same earrings, with clear nails and straight hair. (I blame my need to purchase these items directly on #11)
13. I can justify any purchase. Any purchase. I have a friend who calls me when she wants to buy something but can’t talk herself into it. 10 minutes with me and I will have her whipping out her wallet and getting it in two colors.
14. I don’t get the cupcake craze. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like cupcakes. (What’s not to like? Icing? Cake? Sprinkles? Sign me up!) But there’s this.. intensity around cupcakes that I don’t quite follow. If a cupcake is around, sure- **I’ll eat it, but I’d always rather have sour patch candy. DO NOT STONE ME.
15. Every. Single. Time. I hit “publish”, I have an irrational fear that no one will read my post. I’m not worried about comments, I just has this moment of panic where I think “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND NAMED RYAN REYNOLDS! WHAT IF NO ONE STUMBLES ON MY BLOG AND READS MY DEEP THOUGHTS REGARDING NON-FAT, NO WHIP HOT CHOCOLATE? WILL MY LIFE HAVE MEANING? HOW WILL I DEFINE MYSELF? WHERE WILL MY SOUL GO WHEN I DIE?”.
* I really wanted to say ‘cylon’ but was fully aware that only 3% of you would have got that reference.
** Or maybe I won’t eat it. Today I ran into a parent who I hadn’t seen in over a year. Her exact words to me “Oh, brandy! Hi there. I almost didn’t recognize you. You look so much… fuller”. FULLER. FULLER. Why, the hell would you use those words?! FULLER? Sigh. Between that and the beauty magazines, I’m feeling the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade float. When I’m wearing all the same clothes I wore last year. Ladies and gentlemen, just… let’s put it out there. NEVER use the word ‘FULLER’ to describe a girl. (Although H.A.D., bless his heart, continues to insist that ‘FULLER’ means ‘RADIANT’, we both know THAT’S NOT WHAT IT MEANS).
And yes, I’m sorry for all the CAPS ATTACK but it was necessary today.
Floating: A Survival Guide January 14, 2010
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, here is my heart, hey it's Friday! let's say something nice, it makes sense to me, learning, overwhelmed doesn't even begin..., so sappy it hurts, something I won't forget, the one that nobody reads because of the title, thinking, today i am not funny, when i say it anyway.68 comments
I was thinking tonight about how I don’t know how to swim. I’ve always felt like this was a handicap, something that prevented me from living a life of glamorous weekend getaways, cuddling with Phelps abs (not his face, just his abs), fully appreciating the cuteness that is showcased every spring in the swimwear section of J.Crew. I’ve always seen it as a horrible flaw- yet one I’m too scared to overcome.
I’ve never experienced cancer like I am right now. I’ve never had a family member or friend get diagnosed, I’ve never felt engulfed like I do now. Submerged in a whole new world. We are in the process of planning treatment- chemotherapy, radiation, these words form in my mouth and feel strange. Receiving and understanding each new piece of news, feels like drowning- it’s hard to breathe, I can’t move. I feel completely alone, as though I could scream and not a single head would turn. Time stops and the weight of the universe is squarely planted on my chest. And the terror that clutches me? I cannot fathom how to begin to describe it. It pulls me under in ways that leave me exhausted and aching and gasping for air.
The clock ticks.
I learned a long time ago that if you are drowning, you need to be calm. Flailing will not save you. Panic will not increase your odds. Steady thought, positive thinking and calmness will do so much more. So that is what I do. I wait until the moment passes- the moment that seems will never pass and when it does, I rise again- through everything and am ready for what comes next.
And although this news, this new reality pulls me under- by way of unwanted news, careless comments from co-workers, and misguided google searches, motherfuckers- I can float. I may be a little worse for wear, my eyes may be red and there is a tired about me- a nervous exhaustion that isn’t remedied with sleep, but after every dip under the water when I am engulfed- I break free and breathe again. Still going. Still looking for silver linings and great big things to believe in.
This is not brave or courageous or admirable. This is just what happens. This is what you would do too. It i’s human nature to keep going, to figure out how to keep breathing when your heart has stopped. I have learned that I may not be able to swim, but I’m strong enough to float, brave enough to not flail- when the waters get high. And on the scariest days, when the waters are highest and I’m scared of not breathing again? When I’m tired of pulling myself up? I turn to the person who’s with me in this, who fixes it all with a joke and a laugh. The one who best understands how I’m feeling right now. I turn to him, grateful that he is a strong swimmer and I find complete comfort in knowing he’s got my back and that we are in this together. And we will win.
From my fictional little sister, Stephanie Tanner January 13, 2010
Posted by brandy in other people say it better.31 comments
I grew up in an era of kick-ass television. Sure, my definition of ‘kick-ass television’ makes normal people weep, but I miss the days of Cheers and Seinfeld and Family Matters and of course, Full House. I always thought I was alone in my mourning of the end of Full House, until Shaba and I started talking one day about the most ridiculous episodes (Who remembers the one where D.J ate ice pops and fainted in the gym because she felt fat? Seriously, she didn’t eat for 3 hours and was already passing out? Full House, you are so crazy) and she adopted me as her big sister. Thus, I became D.J Tanner. Which works for me, because D.J grew up to be pretty hot and married an NHL hockey player. WIN!
Anyway, Miss Shaba wrote a brilliant list that I wanted to share with you. It has to be shared. And after you read this? Please go and visit her. She needs your support right now, more than ever.
Top Ten Things I Learned About Co-Habitation
1.) The toilet paper usage formula. 1 sixteen pack of toilet paper will last a single person with one bathroom upwards of four months. 1 sixteen pack of toilet paper will last two people, with two bathrooms the blink of an eye. I can not count how many times I’ve had to do the awkward waddle over to the cabinet only to find that we were completely out of toilet paper. This may be the most irritating thing in the universe.
2)Meal times are weird when one person is indecisive and another one has a mutant ability to exist for days without food (coughtheboyforgetstoeatcough)
. If we haven’t decided what to have for dinner by six o’clock, it’s a free for all. Hence I’ve had meals made up of noodles and applesauce, cereal and cookies, and an entire jar of pickles.
3)I’m sorry will not fix everything. But it’s usually a good start.
4)Strict remote rules must be enforced. The rules are as follows…1) New episodes you both like, 2) new episodes one of you likes, 3) repeats of shows you both like and haven’t seen a bajillion times 4) bad reality television 5) mythbuster/dirty job marathons. Four and five are interchangeable depending on who holds the remote.
5)Sometimes, all you need to do is ask. In relation to chores, wants, desires, etc. Just ask.
6) Date nights are essential. Dates nights outside the house. With “going out clothes”. And a sit down destination. And booze. Gotta have the booze.
7) The moments you love the most are the moments you’d never expect. Like trying desperately to keep your feet from being unmericilessly tickled during commercial breaks of Glee.
8) No one can read your mind. Period. Even when you’re sure that they MUST know that you HATE what when they do that….they probably don’t. Unless you said so. Speak up.
9)Sex. Whenever and wherever. This is the answer to the question, “Why in the world did I agree to live with this crazy ass person with dreamy eyes?”
10) It’s the little things that mean the most. Love grows in the moments of tiny sacrifices and minute kindness. Like splitting the last cookie or traipsing out in the cold to fetch something unimportant from the car.
Things I know this year, that I did not know last January 12, 2010
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, beauty can get ugly, because "guilt" is a dirty word, because US health care makes me sad, boy band mania!, confession of the day, earning my dork badge, H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, here is my heart, i know- we all LOVE him, i should be a P.S.A., I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, it makes sense to me, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, life lesson, lists, people i like, the last line is my favourite, things I don't say outloud, top 10, when I go all Dr. Phil on you.49 comments
I know. I knoooooooooow. We are only 12 days into the new year and already I’m going to bust my enlightened self all on your ass. But you know, I’ve had entire years where the total learning experiences has culminated in learning:
1. The darker the liquor the more likely you are going to want to stab yourself the next morning
2. When your stack of jeans is almost taller of you, it’s time to stop buying
3. Using your student loan to buy jeans will result in you wanting to stab yourself for 5 years after you graduate.
All valuable insights (especially the first one. 365 days of regret is worth having #1 cemented down and firmly imprinted in my brain) but like I said, it’s 12 days into the year and methinks the lessons I’ve learned so far might outshine lessons of the past.
So here we go!
10 Things I know this year that I did not know last
1. Battlestar Galactica is THE MOST AWESOME THING IN THE HISTORY OF ALL AWESOME THINGS. Yes, I know this makes me sound like a dork, but I also own a Harry Potter wand, own the Dwight Shrute bobblehead and know elaborate dance routines to maaaany Disney songs and pop tunes (Doni? I’m not kidding when I say I know a dance to “Getting Jiggy Wit It”. Teaching children’s musical theatre had definite perks). I wear my dork badge with pride.
2. I know what an M- spike is. How much a stem cell transplant costs. Who to call when my world collapses.
3. I know that if I toast gluten free bread, throw on some sandwich stuff and close my eyes- it almost tastes like the real thing. The secret is in the toasting. It transforms bread that tastes like a dirty sock to crunchy bread that almost tastes like a dirty sock. This transformation has been widely celebrated in my life.
4. I now understand how fear can grip your heart and squeeze. How no feeling can compare to that of helplessness- give me anger or depression or jealousy or sadness or hate. I can deal with those- I can punch things and swear a stream of profanities that would make any frat boy blush. I can weep until I feel like I’ve poured my insides out through my tear ducts, I can give stink eye, consider making a voodoo doll, I can lay in bed and wonder how long it would take before someone realized I was gone. But helplessness? Helplessness? That is a feeling I do not do well. I have learned that.
5. I have learned that as much as I love “Countdown”, if Lawrence O’Donnell is filling in, I have to shut it off.
6. I’ve learned that H.A.D. thinks $30 mascara is a colossal waste of money. (Actually, I’m prrreeettty sure I could have guessed his feelings on this and been right about it last year, but his feelings “$30!?! That’s two cases of beer!”, were confirmed last night).
7. I have learned that as funny as I find Jay Leno, my heart belongs to Conan.
8. I have learned how comforting it is to have people to be there for you. I know that sounds silly, but despite the fact that I have a blog and like announcing my celebrity obsessions and views on Obama to the world, I keep parts of me very private- especially any struggles. I’m surprised at how an email from a friend saying that they are checking in, a friend driving 5 hours to talk about how big Mrs. Duggar’s vagina must be, a received text with a ridiculous emoticon attached, comforts me in ways I had not expected or prepared for. I’m surprised at how much I relish these moments, how I can replay them in my mind when I’m not sleeping and how much comfort a small gesture can bring.
9. I have learned that I want to be Heidi Klum. Okay, I’ve always wanted this, but again- this one has just been re-established lately. I’ve been thinking about role models a lot (and yes, me turning to a Victoria’s Secret model as my role model is about as healthy as eating a cigarette sandwich and a lard milkshake for lunch), and she just seems like a person with a bright, positive attitude. Of course, methinks I should focus on more locally grown role models (who are not supermodels, with rockstar husbands), but for now,- for today, I wish to be Heidi. Or just you know, have her legs.
10. I have learned that in the worst of it- in the very deepest parts when the day is bleakest,the hour darkest, when the conversation has made your eyes raw and your voice hoarse, that it is possible to laugh. And laugh until you hurt. Laugh until you forget what you are laughing about, but you keep doing it because damn, it feels good to do something other than cry.
2010 is still young at heart, but tell me- what have you learned this year that you didn’t know last?
* Inspired by this.
“I have a Miley Cyrus station on Pandora. I give a thumbs up to every song it plays.” January 10, 2010
Posted by brandy in the secret project.43 comments
It’s The Secret Project Day! (I know it’s Sunday,- not Monday, but I’m feeling wild- just bear with me). Again, I want to thank everyone for their amazing wishes and emails and good thoughts. I’m still in awe of the amount of support I’m receiving on a daily basis- strangers from all over the world have reached out and I’ve been floored by the kindness everyone has shown. I’m trying to respond to each email- if I miss yours, please know that I appreciated it. I’m still a little overwhelmed with everything.
I do not want my blog to become a blog that only talks about thank you’s and support and the C-word (not that one, the other one- the one I still struggle to say). I know H.A.D. would hate that too- we are working on not letting this engulf us, though I admit that I am still struggling. This is all so much harder than I thought it would be. To #2 this week- I’m sorry that I’m disappointing you. I think everyone needs to do what is right for them, but my life- and H.A.D’s are about so much more than this event and it’s important for me not to forget that. If you need resources, please email me- I have been given so many and would be more than willing to share what I know. This is hard right now and I’m not sure when it will get easier and there are moments when I want to quit life- lay in bed and eat cheetos until I turn orange, but I know everything continues, alarm clocks go off, math tests need to be marked, meals need to be ate. So that is my focus. Thank you to all of you again and to those who let me know they would read no matter how sad the post was? Thank you, especially.
On with the secrets! And if you submitted the title one? I swear, I’m glad I don’t know who you are because if I did? I’m prrrretty sure I would give up my job, hunt you down and force you to be best friends with me. Yes internet, now you know. I LOVE “PARTY IN THE U.S.A”. (Somewhere out there, my ex-boyfriend- the one who only listened to music no one else had ever heard of, is weeping a thousand tears).
1. I broke up with my bf of 3.5 years and due to horribly impeccable timing, he ended up thinking that I left him for this guy I met in class. For the record I would never have dated the friend. The truth is, my interest in him started slowly fading about a year before we actually broke up but I didn’t have the courage to leave him until now. It’s scary to think that I might have ended up marrying him because I was so comfortable with him. I’m actually a much happier person now without him. I’m still friends with the guy I met in class and to this day I mentally thank him daily for helping me work up the courage to leave my ex. My ex will probably see me as the bitch who ended up liking another guy and broke his heart but I don’t care.
2. I was saddened to hear about the hot awesome dude’s diagnosis, but I was really disappointed to discover that you won’t be using your blog to grieve through all of this. You have a large following, giving a voice to all the bloggers going through cancer- either their own or that of a loved one, would be something so many people would be grateful for.
3. I’m pregnant, and over the moon about it! I had a miscarriage this year and that was hellacious, so I am ecstatic to be getting this new chance, and I can’t wait to tell the world. But–always a but, right?–I feel like this will drive a rift between me and some friends who are trying to conceive when they find out. I am terrified, thrilled, anxious, and so very jumpy all at once, but I think that’s par for the course right now.
4. My friends all think I’m eating organic (like them!) but the truth is, I can’t stomach paying $4 for a head of lettuce when I can pay $2. And even worse? When they come over for dinner, they ‘oohh and awww’ over how much better organic food tastes when they are really eating the regular ol’ lettuce my broke ass can afford to buy.
5. I’m not a lesbian- I’m happily married (and attracted!) to my hubby, but I keep a running list of girls I would sleep with if the opportunity presented itself.
6. I don’t make resolutions because I am too hard on myself when I break them. I tell people it’s because resolutions are lame but the truth is- I’m terrified of failing at something I commit to.
7. I’ve been trying to get pregnant for two years. I cannot handle one more conversation with my friends who talk incessantly about their children. I know that their children are a part of their life, I just wonder- why they can’t see that it feels like I’m taking a bullet every time they talk about how they ‘wish they would have waited’ a few more years before kids.
8. I’ve been planning on dumping my boyfriend since November. I was talked out of it, because Christmas was so soon, then new years. My friends say it would be heartless to dump him now- with valentines day coming up ( a holiday he adores spoiling me on). I know I sound selfish but I just am tired of pretending to love soemone I don’t.
9. I am a single, non-blogging male. I’m attractive, employed and have friends, but I can’t land a girl. I think for a long time it was just nerves, then I never understood how a girls head worked (blame this on growing up with three older brothers). I have no idea how I stumbled on your blog, but I’m embarrassed to admit it’s helped me understand how a gal’s head works. I’ve also started reading some of the blogs of the girls who leave comments- thanks ladies, this single dude says keep it up!!
10. I have over 8,000 followers on twitter and I still don’t get the fucking point of it all.
Some News January 6, 2010
Posted by brandy in H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, here is my heart.comments closed
Because I’ve reached out and so many of you were there, I know that I need to tell you what I didn’t want to ever say. The H.A.D. went to the doctor. It is myeloma. Surprisingly, his urge to imagine worst case scenario has him calm regarding this news. I, on the other hand, feel angry for not allowing myself to assume this could be an actual possibility. A learning moment, for sure. Thank you so, so, so much for all the support, good wishes and emails we have received. So many of them will be passed on to H.A.D so he can hear directly from people who are living and thriving with this disease.
10 in 2010 January 4, 2010
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, Andrea should move back to Canada, because "guilt" is a dirty word, because I can't do report cards 24/7, confession of the day, find the dorkiest sentence in this, H.A.D gets his own tag- that's love, harry potter, I sound drunk but I assure you I am not, i think my sweetness gave you a cavity, it's almost like a meme, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, lists, love or something like it, man I'm such a girl, the J.O.B., the one that nobody reads because of the title, the title says it all, top 10.63 comments
I considered doing a “let’s reflect on everything that happened in 2009” post, but honestly? My brain works better moving forward, rather than looking back. And although 2009 had some ultra, let’s-just-up-and-down-clapping-our-hands-we-are-so-damn-happy-I-look-drunk-with-joy, moments (hello new job! hello H.A.D! hello bangs that don’t make me look like I’m 9 years old!)- I’m ready to move into 2010.
So in the spirit of reflection and moving forward (and yes, it’s possible to do both), here’s 10 great, big, off-the-charts,shout-out-loud, moments I’m excited for in 2010.
1. I’m really working hard on being a better teacher. December… well, let’s just say December left me a little ragged. I showed up the last week of work looking like Courtney Love after a street fight and my lesson plans consisted of listening to Christmas music while creating ornate Christmas crafts involving styrofoam cups, glitter glue and a wicked amount of determination. I put in 14 hours at school today, hunkered down over my new literacy goals (none of which involve singing “Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer” while silently cursing that your googly eyes won’t stick to the construction paper) and am so ready to drop some knowledge bombs on my kids.
2. The H.A.D has an appointment tomorrow. One of those ones that you write down in your planner but you really don’t need to write down in your planner because IT’S AN APPOINTMENT- the kind important kind that gets CAPS ATTACK, the kind that you can’t possibly forget. And though we still don’t know what’s going on, I’m so, so, so ready for some good news. I refuse to think that it will be anything but- so I’m really, ridiculously, over the moon- looking forward to hearing some good news tomorrow. Good news, people. Good damn news.
3. Bloggers In Vegas? Yes. Methinks this needs to happen. (I also need to stop saying ‘methinks’. I know. I KNOW.)
4. Friday, November 19th. What’s that you ask? Oh, just the date of the next *HARRY POTTER MOVIE. Maybe you’ve heard of this particular boy wizard? (Unlike this person.. which still leaves me baffled. I’m not kidding. Sometimes when I’m stuck in traffic or in the shower, I’ll think ‘she didn’t know who Harry Potter was‘ and then my brain just shuts down because it doesn’t know how to process that kind of information).
5. The results of the 20sb awards. I want all the winners to write speeches of acceptance and thank me when they win. (Including Ben, who I consider the Meryl Streep of blogging- he is lovable, talented and has heaps of rightfully deserved accolades thrown his way).
6. The return of Glee. Is it shallow and small that the return of a television show makes my top 10 things to be excited about in 2010? (I said this before reflecting on the fact that the new HARRY POTTER MOVIE made the cut as well. Oh universe. Is there no limit to my geekdom?).
7. More friend time. Life has been hectic since I became you know, employed (hooray for regular pay cheques! boo for getting up before 10 9 8 am)- and I miss my friends. I miss them a thousand times a day and find myself reflecting on the amazing times we had with more and more wistfulness. Because as fantastic as life can be, as structured and safe and productive your world is- there is nothing, nothing like spending the evening with someone who has seen you puke in a flower bush, wipe your mouth off with your sleeve and then proceed to sing “Heartbreaker” while wobbling in your too tall shoes. (I know. H.A.D. is a ridiculously lucky guy. I’m so classy, someone should name a handbag after me).
8. The Olympics, baby! I’m just going to get on my soapbox, throw my toque on, grab a beer and get ridiculously Canadian on you and admit that I think of the Vancouver 2010 Olympics, daily. Sometimes, twice a day. I’m not sure when this obsession first started, but I’m a hardcore Olympic junkie. Like, the kind who a few years ago, was setting her alarm at 4 am to watch curling. February is going to kick all sorts of ass. (For the record? My obsession only applies to winter Olympics. I find the summer Olympics about as entertaining as matching socks).
9. It’s currently -20F (-29C) outside right now with something called FREEZING FOG in the air. So naturally, I’m looking forward to June, July and August. Or just a time when I can go outside and breathe without feeling Mother Nature shove her frigid fist down my throat, freeze my lungs into chunks of ice and make breathing as enjoyable as a televised pap smear.
10. Travel plans the H.A.D and I have. Sigh, I know. I’m so sappy, I’m a freaking maple tree (wait- that’s syrup.. damn, I just messed up an almost clever comparison). But universe? If you knew all the plans we have, all the places we want to go and ridiculous conversations that we have on the regular (that he continually insists he will put on ‘the blog’), you’d be excited too.
What are you most excited for in 2010?
(If it involves the HARRY POTTER MOVIE, just get over here and exchange friendship bracelets with me already)
* I own a wand people. My excitement over this movie (even 11 months early) cannot be overstated.
