“I’m always happy to see my boyfriend when he gets back from trips but I can never stop thinking about how much cooler I am when he’s gone.” August 16, 2009

It’s The Secret Project day! Remember that you can ALWAYS submit your secret to me at brandyismagic@gmail.com. I hope everyone has an excellent Monday (I will be spending it in the school, since you know I GOT A JOB!- pray for a classroom that has big windows and a large desk and a comfy chair- or you know, one that just doesn’t smell of sweaty kids, glue sticks and regret). Happy Monday!

1. Before I started blogging, I thought I was a good writer. Now, I mostly feel like an amateur.

2. I hate you for putting me through this (note: not YOU you, just anonymous you), and I hate it even more that it’ll probably wind up being one of the best things that could’ve ever happened to me.

3. I’m really afraid of feeling like this for the rest of my life, but I don’t know how to stop.

4. I named my hemorrhoid Harold.

5. I’m sad when some of my favorite blogs becomes all about the baby.  If I wanted to read mommy blogs I would.

6. I play the piano and a few other instruments, and music is my favorite thing in the world. But I’m really competitive about it, like, RIDICULOUSLY competitive. I’m obsessed with being better than everyone else. I have a recording of a child prodigy playing one of his compositions, and I have cried while listening to it. Out of, I don’t know, jealously? I wasn’t raised this way, and I feel so selfish and stupid admitting to this.

7. Blogging isn’t fun any more for me.  When I started my goal was to meet new people and get a conversation going.  But lately I’ve become obsessed with it.  Now the goal is to become one of the Big Name Bloggers, to write stuff that will get a hundred hits a day.  And it’s just not as fun as it used to be.  But I don’t know whether or not I should quit.  I still love writing and meeting new people, but I’m tired of the competition.

8. I was caught in a huge layoff from my job and have been looking for a new job…but I secretly hope I don’t find one soon.  I love staying at home!  I find myself sabotaging myself in the interview process.  I go in with the best of intentions and then somehow end up screwing it up.

9. My former roommate is in the process of moving out. His girlfriend has made my life a living hell, for myriad reasons. I can genuinely say that she’s a not-nice person. Today, as I was helping him move his things, I found a pill on the floor: Valtrex. Turns out, she has herpes. I know it’s wrong, but I feel a little thrill of karmic joy every time I think about it.

10. I’ve only ever had two boyfriends. And one was just a week thing, so it doesn’t really count. The other was right for me. When I started dating him. But I grew out of him. (I started dating him when I was in a depression and he helped my confidence.  I got that back and started growing and changed, but he didn’t. He was holding me back.) I broke up with him the day after our 10th anniversary. I wanted to stay friends because I still cared about him – I couldn’t ever not care about him. This being my first break up, I lacked wisdom.  He became my rebound from him. The way I’ve thought about our relationship is that I’m the best girl for him that he could find, but I could do so much better. Time passed, and then I began doubting whether I really could do better or not. On the 12th of July I went to a two-week performing arts camp. And better came along (We’ll call him H). From what I had percieved of him those two weeks, I could hardly find anything wrong with him. I told him how I felt the second to last day and he told me he liked me too. This was huge for me. He was normal. He was a real guy. Both guys I had previously had romantic relationships with are either creepy or have zero confidence, and both have really pathetic grades/no college plans. But H lives 10 hours away in an entirely different state and we decided not to pursue a romantic relationship due to that fact. So I feel that I finally found a guy who I can’t get enough of whoactuallylikesmeback and I’m scared another guy who is just as good as H (or better) won’t come along. He was a major confidence boost, but he’s gone now. And I feel like I don’t have any girlfriends to tell this to who will understand.

Keep going, Keep going August 4, 2009

After posting the original secret, I received this- an anonymous ‘follow-up’ from the person who shared Monday’s secret. People have asked if I know who this person is- I truly do not and if I did? I wouldn’t say. The purpose of the project is for people to share what they need to in an environment that protects their identity. Regardless if you agree with that or not- that’s what this project is about and it’s a project I’m so proud of.

I do want to thank all of the members of the twenty something bloggers community. For me to name people specifically wouldn’t be fair. If you’re a frequent reader of Brandy’s blog, chances are, we’ve spoken. Chances also are, you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.

It’s important to remember why we’re all here and why I still am. We’re a group of twenty-somethings. If nothing else, we have that in common. We’re going through the same things. It’s important to remember not just one or two people from the community, but to look at it as a whole.

Depression is hard. It can hit anyone. I’m not a lonely person. I have a family. I have friends who I see several times a week. I have a job. I have hobbies. The difficult thing that people don’t realize is that sometimes, I’m fine. I’m happy. I think, “Thank God, my thoughts are gone for right now!” I’m the person you’re joking with in a chat room. I’m the person you’re e-mailing to confide that dirty little secret to. I’m the person making you laugh with my often crazy sense of humor. If I were to give my name along with my blog title, people’s mouths would drop. I don’t want that. I still want to be the person that people come to, joke with, talk to.

As a whole, the community, along with my sometimes wavering strength has kept me alive for one more day. I can’t make guarantees for tomorrow. I can’t even guarantee that I’ll make my newest goal: the next meetup. I can promise you that I’m going to go to sleep tonight and going to wake up in the morning and start again on this journey called life. I promise you that I’ll keep fighting this battle as long as I can. As long as you all promise to keep reaching out, and to never underestimate the power of your words and the impact of your actions.

Brandy, you having this secret project has gotten me through another day; one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. My normal coping mechanism is to put the thoughts in the back of my mind and carry on with my daily activities. The thoughts wouldn’t let up today. I was tired of swallowing this secret over and over pretending it didn’t exist. I had two options; One, to finally take myself up on the offer to end this pain the easy way. Or, I could finally confess my secret in hopes it could allieviate some of the burden. I had to get it out, and you gave me that chance.

Some of my pain is gone.

You helped save a life today.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for helping me find my strength. Even if just for today.

The One Every Twenty Something Blogger Should Read August 3, 2009

Every once in a while I will get an email from someone wondering why I started The Secret Project. And the truth is, it really is just how I explained it. I got an email from someone who wanted to tell me a secret and realized that we all have secrets that we may not want to share with everyone but we’d still like to share. I’ve mentioned before, there have been secrets that made me laugh and ones that made me cry. And more than once I’ve had to restrain myself from hitting ‘reply’ and writing back “ME TOO!”.

And then I got the secret I’m going to share with you today. Given all the recent discussion about blogging and community and cliques, I thought this needed to be shared. The last few days have been a whirlwind for me and I’m fairly certain I’ve never blew my nose more often or have been more self absorbed- so this secret, although absolutely heartbreaking, helped me put things back in perspective and make me want to reach out to the people who mean a lot to me. I hope it does the same for you too.

I am a regular participator in the Twenty Something Bloggers community. I read blogs, write blogs, comment on blogs, chat with people, e-mail people, tweet, and so on. I’m connected. I have attended and will be attending scheduled meet-ups happening soon. No one will know by looking at me or speaking with me that I suffer from severe depression with chronic thoughts of suicide. The one thing keeping me alive is the blogging community. Often to get myself out of a suicidal thought, I make a deal with myself: “You can contemplate suicide again after ________ happens”. Right now, filling my blank is the next meet-up.

And to every. single. person who sent me kind thoughts in the last few days? You are truly all remarkable and I’m so thankful for each of you. (Especially to the people who got the emails at 4 am. You know who you are)