What Boyfriends Are Good For July 7, 2009
Posted by brandy in I want to make Jim Halpert a mix tape, and now you might know everything, find the dorkiest sentence in this, i complain because I care, it makes sense to me, lists, man I'm such a girl, men, single girl stories, swimming in a sea of self pity, the title says it all, the world according to me, you're skimming this one.trackback
You know, there was a moment today when I realized that being single sometimes really sucks. Did I get a wedding invitation and not have a date? Was I realizing that there’s no way I was going to be able to eat all the rice krispie squares I made? Did I have an itch I couldn’t scratch?
No. No annnnnd No (and for that last one, get your head out of the gutter).
I was having to drive my car in for an oil change. You know when you have to drive your car in and make sure it lines up with those little ramps? Yeah. I’d rather babysit the Jon and Kate plus 8 crew 24/7 for the next decade than drive the car into the shop. As crazy as it sounds, I have a deep seated fear that my wheels are not going to line up and I’m going to plummet approximately 12 feet to my death. Or you know, just really embarrass myself in front of *hunky James Dean look-a-like mechanics.
So after I drove in and was narrowly saved by the clutches of death due to my impeccable driving, I sat there for the next 25 minutes thinking of all the things it would be good to have a boy around for. I mean, other than that whole SOMEONE TO CALL 911 IF YOU FALL IN THE SHOWER AND CAN’T MOVE.
Here is my current list- far (from complete)
1. Drive my car up the ramp when I get an oil change. Or, at least be in the passenger seat, ready for whatever comes- Thelma and Louise style.
2. Put sunscreen on that 2 inches of real estate I can never reach in the middle of my back.
3. Unzip this one particular dress that requires me to perform Cirque du Soleil like acrobatics to undo.
4. Reach down into the sudsy soap water and pull the drain after doing dishes. (Seriously? A man who volunteered for that job would get a free pass to hit all my bases nightly.)
5. Tell me how to spell Cirque du Soleil so I don’t always have to look it up.
Of course there’s so much more that a boy can do. Like go to all the movies you are too ashamed to go to alone (Hello any movie starring Ben Stiller), open all the jars you can’t, and they are perfect for spooning. Oh. Spooning. I’m pretty sure if Ahmadinejad spooned a little more he wouldn’t be so crazy. And of course you know boys are good to have around for the sex. Sigh.
But that’s a whole other post altogether.
* Okay that’s a stretch. They were more like, James Dean if you added 10 years, 40 pounds and a scowl. But STILL.
I have the exact same reaction when going through the car wash! I LOVE getting my car washed, especially the part with the multi-colored foamy soap. It is kind-of magical. You might like it…or think I’m crazy for enjoying it so much. Either way, I have a minor panic attack every time I have to drive onto the little tracks. It scares me enough to almost make me avoid the car wash…but not quite.
So. I bought a shoe cube today. For my shoes, right? Have you ever tried to put one of those together? IMPOSSIBLE. How can you screw side A and side B together when you can’t even figure out which one is which? Enter friend who is a boy to save the day. Totally worth the $5 I had to pay him.
oh. my. god! do I know the feeling. oh the woes of singledom. haha! I absolutely LOVE #4. I have to admit there are so many nights where I hold onto my pillow wishing for a cute boy to appear in its place. I was talkin to someone about this today…I’ve spent so many hours sitting on the floor in my kitchen crying cuz I cant open a blipping jar!!! ahhhh!!! wheres a hot guy to sweep me off the floor, open my jar and cuddle me?!!! damnit. only in my dreams apparently. sucky about the wedding thing…i know that all too well. especially when all your friends are married. aye me. *hugs*
Oh! Having a boy around sure is glorious. But only if it’s the right one, I don’t have the paitence to deal with all the crap just to have him pull the plug out of the sink after washing up.
I pinched a tire on one of those drive-up car wash things once. My guy roommate had to come pick me up. I also popped a tire late at night in the middle of a miserably cold Boston winter. It was seriously about 10 below. The same roommate put on the spare while his girlfriend and I tried to provide a wind shield. Come to think of it, he also got me Gatorade when I had the stomach flu and picked me up after a weird foot-fetish dude followed me home. Maybe guy roommates are good for all of these single girl needs. Except for, you know, THAT one.
They sure do come in handy with one’s jar-opening and automotive needs. Plus, they have penises, which is a significant bonus. And broad shoulders. And naturally man musky salty smelling skin.
I need to stop thinking about that now.
Spooning IS wonderful, though. I think you’re on the something there, with the whole, world leaders needing more of it thing. Someone needs to step up and spoon Mahmoud, stat. For world peace and stuff.
What if the boy just does the dishes completely?
you should write a list about why it IS good to be single. enjoy it!! i wrote a post on this once, it was called “the single vs. the married”
Don’t you have a dishwasher? I mean, seriously, it’s 2009.
Mowing the lawn, killing spiders, digging gross stuff out of drains, getting up in the middle of the night when there’s a scary sound. You know, boy things.
A man to spell Cirque du Soleil? Unrealistic standards! Haha!
i have a manfriend, but i wouldn’t mind also having a sawyer around, just to look at.
every woman needs a sawyer.
#imisslostmorethanyouknow
when you’re feeling fragile and all you want is for him to hold you.
i need a boy to do crap for me like install my air conditioner (hello, scary! i’m afraid i’ll kill someone on the sidewalk if i do it myself), reach things on high shelves..oh, and um, spoon. yeah, that’d be nice.
The zipping and unzipping of the dress is key. I have several weddings this year and a lot of my dresses require me to dislocate my elbows to zip them up. A boy would be great to have around for that. They’re also great when you’re walking on the street and you get a pebble or something in your shoe (usually heels) and you need something to hold onto while you balance on one foot to get the offending pebble out. It’s something you don’t think about until you bust your ass in the middle of the sidewalk trying to balance on your own. Ooh, and to help finish the crossword.
YES, the dress zipping! though i had a friend in college who fashioned a “zipper pull” from a paper clip and some fishing line. hook it through the zipper, raise arm over head and pull up. worked every time!
I think I’m going to hire someone to apply sunscreen to that impossible-to-reach spot on my back.
Girl, I feel your pain. Just yesterday I was telling one of my friends how much it sucked being single because when you want IT, you can’t have it like you could if there was a bf around. Sad. Not having someone to spoon you also sucks. Oh and when you wake up from a nightmare and noone is there to hold you.
Earlier this year I was kinda on a man hunt because I had planned on moving and I have a 150lb 7ft sofa (couch?) that was hard for even the delivery guys to get into my apt. What? Like that couch is gonna move itself?
Installing the washer and dryer is also a good “need a boy” job. As is moving.
So right now, in my apartment, my smoke detector is chirping because the batteries are about to die. And I am about three inches too short while standing on my step-ladder (and my dining room chair) to change the damn batteries. But I don’t want a boyfriend right now. Even if he would be so useful. FML.
you just need one of these
Jars are the bane of my existence…they really are. Spooning is awesome though!
But sometimes the musky man smell? Too much.
LOL.
I know just want you mean.
It’s why I married. Yeah. For love too.
OK, I know that this isn’t really your point here and I’m being just like a man focusing on solving one little detail when really the detail is part of a larger point that I am totally ignoring, but for number 2? Spray-on sunscreen! You can hit every little spot. No skin cancer for single people!
I once had a boyfriend help me clean the bathroom after I’d overflowed the toilet with a massive poop.
That’s love right there.
I hate going to the mechanic by myself, mostly because I think I get ripped off since I know zip about cars. Sadly, my bf doesn’t know anything either so he’s no help.
I would suggest getting the spray sunscreen. I use it all the time and never get burned! It’s a single gals life-saver!
I really enjoy living with The Boy because of the boy-tasks he does.
For instance-mowing/weed whacking, any and all car maintenance, moving heavy stuff, and vacuuming.
Sometimes he’ll cook, do the dishes, and do laundry (though he sucks at folding).
But my favorite thing is that he cuddles me at night and allows me to watch three hours of WE Go Bridal on Sundays—without a single complaint!
Keeper.
And to reach the top shelves in the cupboard when you can’t.
Add: Will go to the store to get you Gatorade when you’re sick. He knows if he doesn’t then he’ll have to hear you whine and dry heave all. night. long.
I just had to tell my BROTHER the other day that he had to go with me to one of those all-inclusive car washes cause it freaked me out to go alone.
My brother. Yeah. I need a boyfriend.
xo
Uh, yeah, number four? I feel the same about cleaning the bathroom. If I can come home to a sparkling toilet, that is gonna be one lucky dude. Repeatedly.
EWW I HATE the sudsy nasty dish water! Blegh it’s so nasty. I’m pretty sure if I guy volunteered for that, I’d let him round the bases too.
Matt stole my comment.
Huh, I can do all those things and it’s still not enough. Apparently women have unreachable standards in LA. *sigh*
A few quick things:
1) Haven’t you been around the webs long enough that everyone has their mind in the gutter? Really darlin’?
2) The whole Plus 8 crew? Now that’s hate right there.
3) I have never seen a James Dean look-alike (even with beer belly, grease, and scruff added) aside from movies. Would be kind of spooked if I did. Considering, you know, he’s been dead for 50+ years.
you have to drive it up the ramp for an oil change? luckily i just have to pull up to the service area and they drive my car away to fix it for me. i would be terrified to drive it up those ramps, haha. man. you are awesome for doing it.
Yep, boys are good for things like that. And for squishing spiders you find in the bath tub, and for making sure the milk is still good.
Boys…good for oh so very many things. My personal favorite is for moving all the stuff out of my apartment and into our apartment WHILE I’M AT WORK. I hardly have to lift a finger. I lucked out!
I just want someone to fix my fucking car when it breaks.
And maybe build me some shit.
Yes, but on the downside they’ll also sleep on your side of the bed and fill your basement with SNES’ – look out! One day you’ll have someone driving your car up those ramps, but you’ll have his Transformers in your bookcases.
True story.
Just today, I was trying to install a tub faucet, only the faucet part was in the bathroom and the other end was on the other side of the wall in the bedroom, and the faucet kept falling into the tub whenever I tried to screw on the dealy-bobs in the bedroom, and I almost burst into self-pitying tears. “How am I even supposed to do this ALONE? Plus, no one is going to find my body until it stinks when I die ALONE someday.”
Then I called my friend’s husband and he finished it while I held the faucet, and then she fed me dinner. Friends are good.
Have you seen the jar opening device called The Husband?
This post reminded me that maybe I do need a manfriend. Preferably someone who can fix things, build things and do dirty things (such as reaching into the sink and maybeeee other kinds of dirty things)
But then that “boyfriend” may turn into a husband, and take it from me – he doesn’t do anything of those things anymore. That is unless of course, there’s bribery or blackmail.
that’s the same reason my vw passat wagon is always dirty! i’m so scared to pull up to the car wash because i have to line up with the tracks while they do the first spray on the car. the guy always moves his hand to turn one way, and then when i turn that way he’s like NO NO NO NO! haha panic attack i tell ya!
I think Bubbles did all of that…
Yeah, but they only do that stuff until you MARRY them, and then you’re back on your own again.
I too am afraid of those stupid ramps. But I like playing weak and make the grease monkeys do it for me. (bats eyes)
It occurs to me after reading these comments that it seems men are only good for doing the things that women find gross, or are to short to do, or aren’t strong enough for…..
wow, I guess men are just centre pieces to women…
that can’t be right?
The day I got my license, I decided to wash my car. I lined the car up wrong at the car wash and the things that spin around and spray your car with water GOT STUCK in my car door. I drove away that day with the sprayers still in my dirty car door, and a fear of car washes that hasn’t lessened 8 years later.
Somedays being single just plain sucks. Number one on my list:
Having a boyfriend who calms me down when my internal crazy goes off.
When I finally landed last night after what felt like lifetimes of traveling I was suddenly struck with a bit of melancholy that there was no one there to pick me up. No one waiting for me. No one happy to see me. I miss having a boyfriend in those moments because a warm hug after a long day of flying would have been perfect.
Having a man to zip (or unzip) a dress is handy, but with the right man, one of the sexiest things ever.
Also…for finishing the last of your beer and so you can snag just one (okay, just two) bites of his dessert, because really, you don’t want dessert, but well…okay, you do, but you don’t want to want it.