Can I still be in the girl club? May 29, 2009
Posted by brandy in confession of the day, hey it's Friday! let's say something nice, I'm a lady. I'm a tramp., if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it's almost like a meme, it's okay- you can skim this one, lists, man I'm such a girl, reinforcing stereotypes since 1981, this makes me sound dumber than i am, wasting time, when i say it anyway, women, you're skimming this one.47 comments
Five Truths That Make Me Question My “Girl” Status
1. I would rather attempt to read German car manuals for the next 10 years rather than spend an evening reading the “Shopaholic” book series.
2. I do not (even after repeated attempts) like yogurt. (I know this one doesn’t make sense but I just assume all girls like yogurt. I can’t explain it. My brain is ridiculous).
3. I have not spent oodles of time planning my imaginary wedding. In fact, the only thing I know for sure is that a) I do want to get married and b) I want to dance a lot. That’s it. Seriously.
4. I still do not know how to apply fake eyelashes without hyperventilating and resorting to drinking a lot before giving up.
5. I do not find Brad Pitt attractive (this has been noted here).
Five Truths That Fully Confirm that I’m a Girl.
1. I almost go into cardiac arrest if I spot a spider/mouse/cockroach or anything else that’s small and skitters across the floor.
2. I may or may not have called a BFF before to confirm that I will not be dying alone.
3. I just used the term “BFF”.
4. I use the word “fine” when I’m mad. Example: Someone else: “I’m sorry I acted like a complete jerk” Me: “It’s fine”.
5. I will spend a ridiculous amount of money on a pretty bra that no one will see (at least no one is seeing it lately). And not only will I do this, I will get defensive if anyone even suggests that spending a lot of money on such items is wasteful. Or the idea that matching my knickers to my bra is a waste of time. ( Yes, I have to use the word “knickers” I refuse to use the “p” word. I absolutely despise it).
Wait, how the hell did I get talking about knickers? This post has gone so downhill I need to quit. Anyway, I also wanted to use this time to say thanks for all the great emails and comments I’ve got this week and for everyone who went over to the STOG and checked it out. It’s been such a fun project to work on. Have a good weekend universe!
Things I Said Today May 27, 2009
Posted by brandy in 98% of me thinks this is funny, AHHHHHHHHHHH!, conversation of the day, i am slowly going crazy, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, it happened this week, lists, school, teaching, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the title says it all, these are the things that happen to me, Things I Said Today, you're skimming this one, youth.45 comments
The title says it all. Here are ten things I said today (and I only started writing them down at lunch- that’s how crazy this class was). I spent a better part of my drive home daydreaming of a workplace where no one put things down their pants while talking to me. I’m sure there is a GREAT dirty joke in there but I’m too tired to find it.
1. “If you keep talking inappropriately about Michael Jackson, you will spend your recess with me”.
2. “Show me that you are ready for gym. That means you need to get your hands out of your pants”.
3. “No, I don’t want to feel how loose your tooth is. I can see the blood. Let’s get you a kleenex”.
4. ” Yes, I know the lights just went off, I’m right beside you. It’s dark for me too.”
5. ” Okay Tyler, come stand by me. You don’t talk like that at school, I don’t care if your brother told you those stories about Michael Jackson.”
6. “Karen, you need to stop farting on your reading partner or else you will read alone.”
7. ” You know, I already ate my lunch but thanks for offering to give me your jam sandwich. You need to eat it though.”
8. ” Hmm, no.. I don’t think Bill Nye actually knows David Hasselhoff. I think he was just making a joke.”
9. ” Matthew, get that sandwich out of your pocket. You need to at least eat some of it.”
10. ” Okay Karen, you need to apologize to your reading partner, then you need- Matthew, GET THE SANDWICH OUT OF YOUR PANTS”.
Also? If you are not reading the STOG (Short Term blOG)- what is wrong with you? It’s over this Friday, go read it. Peter is funny. Oh! And I’ve been getting emails- yes, The Secret Project will be back on Monday and yes, I’m still taking submissions!
Tell me that you said something ridiculous today too.
Duck, Duck, Dodge May 26, 2009
Posted by brandy in because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, family, here is my heart, i am slowly going crazy, i should be a P.S.A., it happened this week, my passive aggressiveness is devastating, relationships, the world according to me, things I don't say outloud, today i am not funny.41 comments
One of the more bizarre quirks I possess, is the strong desire to run from people in public places. There have been times in the past while shopping where I’ve heard my name called and my first reaction has been to drop my purchases and run like I’m being chased by a pack of angry wild dogs craving the taste of human flesh. That’s my reaction when I don’t know who is calling my name. It’s worse when I see someone I don’t get along with.
This week marks one event that takes place where it will almost be impossible to avoid my father. My father who I do not talk to. One could argue that it’s possible to avoid someone by simply not leaving the house. Though I admit this thought has crossed my mind, my hair is too pretty for me to be a recluse. And I’m far too young to give up on life and spend the next five days in sweatpants hiding from society and the man who taught me how to ride a bike.
Which leaves the option of dodging.
The act of jumping in and out of crowds, maneuvering around anything I can, ducking around to avoid him, timing my entrances and exits down to the second. I’m a pro at this. Last year I was able to time my departure just as my father turned the corner and began walking towards where I was. Through the corner of my eye I saw him, a man I used to hug everyday- a man who I looked forward to running to after getting off the bus. He was a brief blur- then I turned my head and was out the door.
Admitting to be an excellent dodger isn’t something I’m proud of- I’m far too aware of how sad this all sounds to take joy in my ability to blend in to avoid talking to someone I used to talk to everyday. It’s just what’s happening right now. This week. I’m spending the next five days avoiding my father- and dodging all the feelings that go with being someone who is running from someone she used to run to.
The Least Interesting Post Ever May 25, 2009
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, celiacs, games we play, genius, i complain because I care, i like cupcakes more than gluten, i love fragment sentences, i should be a P.S.A., it seemed like a good idea at the time..., just do what i say, the title says it all.comments closed
I ate a bagel yesterday and now my stomach feels like there’s glass in it and invisible people are using it as a trampoline.
Gluten is such an asshole.
In other far cooler news- check out the project Peter and I are working on. In a word? Mind blowing.
Okay, ‘mind blowing’ is two words. Don’t blame me for my inability to count correctly. Blame this bastard bagel that is ruining my insides. I suspect my stomach feels how Amy Winehouse’s liver must feel. Angry and wanting to collapse on itself like a dying star.
The Secret Project will be posted next week!
Oprah vs. Me (and french fries) May 21, 2009
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, confession of the day, earning my dork badge, find the dorkiest sentence in this, i can't believe i have a football tag, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, it's okay- you can skim this one, lists, no i haven't gotten laid, the one that nobody reads because of the title, wasting time, you're skimming this one.101 comments
So sometimes I buy Oprah magazine, yeah I know.
I really can’t add anything to that to justify it. It’s sort of like saying ” I cried when Adam Lambert didn’t win” or “I own crocs”. Some confessions you just let hang in the air because nothing can save them.
Anyway.
So Oprah dedicates the last page of every issue to the topic “What I know for sure” and it’s always some really deep, moving lesson about spirits and energy and being one with the universe. I usually don’t understand what she’s saying and instead focus on how glossy the page is. (Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly low, I might even run the magazine across my cheek to feel the smoothness of it against my skin- and yes, that was another example of a confession that I cannot make better by elaborating on it).
I was thinking today of what I know for sure and although none of my points were discovered after a hike around my Hawaii estate or were told to me by Maya Angelou after she had gotten completely tanked (again) on spiced rum and was yelling from underneath the table while attempting to take her clothes off, they still are worth sharing. Here are five things I’ve been thinking about, that I know for sure. None of them are particularly deep, or soul searching and one of them talks about french fries. I think this clearly explains why Oprah rules the universe and I just live in it.
1. At some point in my life, I want to find a really great world map and hang it in my dining room. And use pins to mark where I’ve been and different colored pins to mark where I want to go. It would be so much more fun to look at in the morning rather than a blank wall. Because the only thing that is more depressing than being up in the morning, is being up in the morning and staring at a blank wall.
2. I lose a little piece of my soul every time I drink tequila.
3. Every single thing you wore in your childhood will once again become popular once you are an adult. The only difference is that it will cost three times as much and look twice as ugly as it did when you first wore it. Proof? (Am I the only one who finds this outrageous?!)
4. There is absolutely nothing better than knowing someone is as excited about you as you are about them. Nothing.
5. Music is always better live, the best boyfriends kiss your forehead, honey makes french fries better and a good football game can make scream so loud you lose your voice and then lie to people and tell them you have a cold so they don’t they you are crazy. Ahem.
What do you know for sure? (Extra points if your answer involves french fries).
I also pretend to talk on my cell phone so I don’t have to talk to salespeople in clothing stores May 18, 2009
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, famous people make for good gossip, find the dorkiest sentence in this, i like scotch & table dancing, i should be a P.S.A., i wrote this just for the picture, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it's ironic because I'm Canadian, let's still be friends?, lists, music, my passive aggressiveness is devastating, secrets, the secret project, this might be why I'm single.50 comments
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I got a few emails today asking where The Secret Project was. The truth is, submissions have slowed so I’m going to post once a month. I have to say, The Secret Project is such a treat for me to share. There were some secrets that made me cry, ones that made me laugh out loud, ones that broke my heart into eleventy thousand pieces- and there was one secret someone shared that was one that I kept too. And checking my inbox and finding that someone else had gone through something I had? Well, it was like the universe whispering to me ‘you’ll be okay’.
That’s as deep as I’m going to get after last nights vodka consumption. (Shhh.. can you hear that? Listen closely and you can hear my liver putting itself up for adoption).
Though I sprinkled in a few of my secrets throughout entries, I thought I would come clean and share a few of my secrets that I’ve never thought worthy of their own blog post, confessions that flutter in my brain late at night when I’m recounting what kind of life I lead, secrets that may sound silly but are the very quirks that define me as quickly and matter of factly as my DNA. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
1. I don’t condone stealing, however after leaving a particularly stressful job at a college where I was underpaid, overwhelmed and frustrated- I quit. And then went back the next day and wheeled out my favourite office chair like it was a personal prop I had forgot to pack up, put it in the back of my truck and drove away. And yes, I know there is a particularly hot spot in Hell reserved for people who steal office equipment. With that said, my spine is currently in heaven, so it’s a trade off I’m willing to make.
2. Sometimes re-reading old posts break my heart because they remind me of things I no longer have.
3. I have paid money to own songs sung by Miley Cyrus.
4. I have a horribly morbid habit of imaging how sad I will be when people die. Not family members or friends but famous people. If I can’t sleep I will lay in bed rating how sad I would be if a particular celebrity were to die. All time highest sad rating? Jack Nicholson. I just know when he dies I’m going to be devastated beyond repair. I’m not even a huge Jack fan but he just seems like such a character. Plus, once he goes- who is going to sit in the front row at the Oscars and creepily stare at the under 25 year old starlets?
5. I like cheese on my popcorn. When I was in high school, I used to babysit these two girls who LOVED shredded cheese on their popcorn everyday after school. I tried it and was hooked. I casually mentioned it a few times and my friends looked horrified- like I said I liked to sprinkle the blood of dead baby seals on my guilty pleasure snack, so I began to feel ashamed and hid this secret like it was a cocaine habit I was iffy on wanting to break.
And now I’m going to go twirl in my chair I pilfered and maybe go watch a movie starring Jack. Or maybe just talk my liver into staying with me just for a little bit longer.
I’m not talking about Grey’s Anatomy May 14, 2009
Posted by brandy in 20something, brookem is awesome!, charm, confession of the day, disappointment, ego boost, friends, happiness, here is my heart, hey it's Friday! let's say something nice, i know- we all LOVE him, i second that emotion, i wrote this just for the picture, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, it makes sense to me, it's okay- you can skim this one, life lesson, quote of the day, self improvement, so sappy it hurts, the world according to me.37 comments
For reasons I will never be able to articulate, I seem to swing violently between being 100% confident in my life and my choices and the direction I’m going- to the other extreme, 100% puddle on the kitchen floor, all emo with mascara stains on my cheeks feeling like I have yet to make a right choice and my life is doomed for failure before I hit thirty. There’s no in between, no grey area, no room to stretch- to accept that some choices might have been successes while others were failures. I paint everything with the same brush: it’s either amazingly great and I’m bound to lead an astounding life with Ryan Gosling as my boyfriend or I’m bound for failure and my best hope is to stake out which dumpster I’m going to live behind and hope that alley cats will not consume my entire body in greedy gulps when I die and leave no evidence of my time on Earth.
Which is why when I saw this quote I felt compelled to share it. It reminds me that my life has a ridiculous amount of good in it- I have amazing friends and family and shoes. I have a teaching degree, all my limbs intact and an encyclopedic like knowledge on all things West Wing. There are roughly eleventy gazillion things I can’t quite figure out; why I can’t remember where I put my phone, the reason I seem to discourage principals to hire me, what the hell is happening on Lost… but there’s good too.
And everyone knows a good supporting cast can save even the most helpless movie. Especially if if Ryan Gosling is involved. Happy Friday universe!
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“I cried when Bea Arthur died” May 10, 2009
Posted by brandy in Annie Lebowitz is so jealous, i am slowly going crazy, i like scotch & table dancing, i should be a P.S.A., i wrote this just for the picture, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it happened this week, the secret project, wedding season is kicking my ass, when i say it anyway.35 comments
It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday (or Sunday!) posts in January, February, March and April to get caught up. Also remember to keep the secrets coming and let other people know about the project. Submissions have slowed a bit so I may start posting monthly instead of weekly.
1.I got an abortion last week. The guy hurt me badly, so I texted him to tell him I was pregnant and getting an abortion because I was more concerned about my own feelings than his, and he responded by saying, “Well it’s done now, cheers.” The reason I didn’t have the baby is because it was his child.
2 Sometimes I really dislike the fact that my husband is the only man who will ever see me naked. I mean, it sounds terrible, but part of me really wants someone else to appreciate it. Just for vanity’s sake, I guess.
3. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21.
4. I had sex with my husbands best friend. It happened before my husband and I got together and he doesn’t know. And I hope he never finds out.
5. I told my fiance I loved baseball when we first started dating to impress him. He still thinks I like it but the truth is, I’d rather watch paint dry than watch a game.
6. I hate it when people I don’t like are nice to me because then it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know how awful this makes me sound, that’s why it’s my secret.
7. I cried harder watching Grey’s Anatomy than I did at my aunts funeral.
8. I get up before my boyfriend so I can sneak on some make up before he sees me. He always thinks I’m going to the bathroom but I’m really throwing on some concealer!
9. When I eat oreo’s, I scrape all the icing off with my teeth and throw the cookies out. My wife says it’s such a waste and thinks it’s completely bizarre but oreo icing is goddamn delicious.
10. I hate all the popular blogs.
In other news, life has been crazy busy lately. Crazy- three hours of sleep- getting up six minutes before I’m going to work- all encompassing- never ending sort of crazy. This past weekend I went to one of my dearest friends bachelorette party. I had organized a city wide Amazing Race project for teams to compete in and later that night we went to a piano bar to dance until we sweated our mascara off celebrate. I’ve tried to think of how I could explain the night but I think this picture says more than I ever could. 
Please note that I’m barefoot in a bar. Standing on a floor sticky with the residue of a drink called Tall Paul (but really should be called “dangerously delicious blueberry vodka, rum and ginger ale drink that will result in thinking I know how to rap. And send really long emails to people“- sorry about that). Also take note of the broken Mardi Gras beads and mask- party accessories. And my tiara- that had nothing to do with Mardi Gras but that I felt necessary to wear. And lastly, let’s note that it takes a special kind of drunk girl to take pictures of her feet. And an even more bizarre, sober girl to feel like the internet needs to see such pictures. I hope you had a weekend as memorable and lovely as mine.
A love letter to beer May 5, 2009
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, happiness, hello universe? I love you, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it makes sense to me, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, right on my sleeve, the title says it all, this makes me sound dumber than i am, this might be why I'm single, when i say it anyway, you're skimming this one.96 comments
I’m a simple girl. I like jeans and flip flops and ponytails. I like chicken and potatoes and saying what you mean and beer. Oh, how I adore beer.
I didn’t grow up a beer lover. In fact, I once avoided beer like it was the guy who’s ten years older than everyone else at the grad party. Then, I met Trout, went to Europe where beer was cheaper than a hooker who’s late paying rent, came back poor and realized that 4 beers could do what took 9 *monkeys lunches to do. Meaning, four beers could provide me with a rosy glow, the nerve to abandon any inhibitions and the loss of feeling in my face (the last one wasn’t something I actively sought out, it was just a comfort to know beer could do this to me). And the taste? Well, I soon began to imagine that my personal heaven tasted like crisp, cold beer served in a frosty mug. In short, I grew drunk with my love of beer.
The downside was, I never really woke up after a beer-a-thon feeling great. I mean, obviously after 10 days of houseboating when I survived on nothing than Kokanee, UV rays and overcooked hotdogs, one could assume I wouldn’t feel great. Or, after 14 days in Mexico when I lived on Coronoa, UV rays and margaritas, you would think my body would be weeping. Or that one summer where I survived on beer, UV rays and.. well, you get the idea. After each of these incidents, my liver would put itself up for adoption. But it was more than my liver. I was tired. And the kind of tired that no amount of sleeping fixed.
And then I found out I was allergic to beer.
And.
My.
World.
Stopped.
Before someone tells me that there’s such a thing as gluten free beer, let me tell you I know this. I’ve tried it. And it tastes like your grandmothers ass. Actually, I have no idea if that’s accurate but think about what that would taste like and I’m sure that’s close to the taste of gluten free beer. It’s really awful. The sort of beverage you drink in large gulps just to get it down. Because let’s face it- you are going to finish the beer. If beer drinkers know one thing, it’s you never leave a solider behind.
So, now I’m back to not drinking beer…. very much. I’ve been told by doctors, lectured by friends, scolded by parents on how much harm it really does my body, yet I find myself still drawn to it. On hot summer afternoons when it’s so hot you don’t move, during the Stanley Cup playoffs when the tension is palpable and your team is winning and you are on the edge of your seat just pleading to your God for one more goal, during those Saturday nights out when your hair is fabulous and your jeans fit perfectly and you walk like the world is yours. Oh yes, there is still beer in my life.
People ask why I can’t quit and the thing is, if I reeeeeeeally had to, I could. But beer brings people together like no other alcoholic beverage can. It’s the black dress of beverages, the one that’s easy to grab, goes with anything and the one thing that’s always perfect at a party. Regardless if it’s high end pretentious beer or bottom of the barrel 6 pack for $4.oo beer, I’m going to almost always enjoy it. That’s the bewitching beauty of beer. It transcends class and race and gender and location and politics- anything that people use to divide mankind, beer unites. That’s why there will always be a place for beer in my heart.
So summer is here and patios are open and I’m wanting to hear your thoughts. Are you a beer drinker? And if you are, what’s your favorite type?
* Do not judge me! The monkey’s lunch thing was a phase. Like acid wash jeans or bangs spiked with Splash hairspray only more shameful.
