“Some women are scared that they’ll never get married because they’ll never find a husband. I’m scared that I’ll never find a maid of honor.” March 30, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.23 comments
It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday posts in January, February and March to get caught up! Also if you can, please check out this post, where I discuss the differences between Angelina Jolie and I when it comes to volunteering. It’s a great site, so sign up and become a member!
1. I recently failed out of a professional school (medical related). Under pressure to try again, I applied to another school and will be leaving to start all over again next month. Yet, I have absolutely NO IDEA what I really want to do with myself. And I’m so incredibly terrified to try again because I seriously believe I can’t do it.
2. I am in love with a boy seriously my junior both in number and maturity. He and I are incredibly close friends. At least, on my end. On his, I have no idea. And that makes me seriously broken hearted everytime I think of him.
3. My parents are the only people in the world to me. They are the reason I have never done something completely stupid when I’ve gone through my Basket Full O’ Crazy phases. I have no idea (and am completely terrified of) what will happen when they are gone.
4. I once cheated on my boyfriend with a transgender FTM. It was one of the closet experiences with a person I’ve ever had, and I miss him.
5. I lost a large amount of weight after moving to a foreign country. Since returning to the states I have noticed myself consciously/unconsciously skipping multiple meals to maintain that loss.
6. To this day I can express my emotions much better via my blog than in person. I am very good at listening and giving advice, however I have no idea how to express myself to another person on a deeper than surface level and I’m pretty sure that will prevent me from ever having a complete and happy relationship. It terrifies me every day.
7. I am a massive self-analyzer. I’m also an internalyzer. Therefore I’m pretty sure there will come a time when I will implode.
8. My indepence is simply a facade so I don’t let myself become vulnerable in relationships.
9. I want to move in with my boyfriend not just because I love him, but because we’d share the bills and save money. Then I could quit my high-paying job I hate and go entry-level on something I like and still afford new shoes.
10. He asked me to marry him and I’ve been trying to figure out how to end the relationship. The fact that it wasn’t at all romantic and there was no engagement ring offered just sealed for me how much I do not want to be married to him. I’m no prize, but I will never “settle” for less than I want/deserve again.
For when the tequila bottle is empty March 27, 2009
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, hey it's Friday! let's say something nice, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, tequila consequences.44 comments
The economy is in turmoil. There is war in the world, no one has cured cancer and baby polar bears are dying. I’ve developed a strange love for “Private Practice”, my hair is dry and if it doesn’t stop snowing I’m going to curb stomp Mother Nature. Ashlee Simpson is not only famous, but she’s going to be on the Melrose Place re-make, a show that was very dear to my heart during my formative teenage years. In short, these are trying times my friends.
Sometimes though, when a Friday shows up, when I finish a good book, when my current favourite song pops up on my ipod, when someone holds open a door for me, when I find $10 in my coat, when I get an unexpected letter in the mail, I get a feeling of absolute happiness that I usually only experience after 4 shots of tequila and the loving caress of a man in tight jeans. And I am almost overcome with the feeling that everything is going to work out.
So despite the trying times (or maybe because of them), I hope you find one good thing that makes your day brighter. That one thing that makes you take stock and realize that you hold more chips than you thought. Because we all could use something to make us happier and we can’t drink tequila all the time.
Have a good weekend universe!
On teenage pregnancy, wrinkle cream & vacation cards March 23, 2009
Posted by brandy in 20something, beauty can get ugly, blogs, confession of the day, house fire incident of 2005, I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it makes sense to me, it's a long one (twss), italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, learning, life lesson, lists, Oh Canada!, the last line is my favourite, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the secret project, this is where I grew up, you're skimming this one.57 comments
Obama equals change. 40 is the new 30. Iphones make you cool, not recycling equals polar bear murder, drinking beer will always mean you get the hot blonde in minimal clothing. We are bombarded with the idea that so much of what we see and taste and believe in, is equal to something else. Will result in something else. That our world consists of people, events, products that can be easily interchanged with other people, events and products. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and realized that though this can often be true, it is just as often not. Here are a few things that DO NOT EQUAL what I used to think they did.
1. Visa Card DOES NOT EQUAL Vacation Card
The only reason I ended up getting a credit card was when my house burnt down and I needed to continue living my life and suddenly had nothing. Like, not even a box of kleenex to wipe away my tears sort of nothingness. Here is where you ask “but what about your savings?” and here is where I say ” Dude. I was a free styling university student who lived close to a pub that had really great beer. I had no savings”. (And somewhere in the world, Suze Orman’s head just exploded). Anyway. The point is, I never wanted a credit card. But now that I have one, I often have a hard time remembering that the money that’s tied to it? Technically isn’t “free money”. It’s not my “hey, you just have this sitting around, go on a holiday” fund, it’s more like “hey, here is money that you will spend a lot of time paying back WITH INTEREST and possibly your non-essential organs so use it wisely” fund. I currently have zero credit card debt, but it’s taken me a while to figure this one out.
2. Jealousy DOES NOT EQUAL love
Somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that if a guy was jealous it meant he loved me. And the MORE jealous he was, the MORE he loved me. Convoluted right? Right. Thankfully I’ve wised up and now know that a man loves me when he buys me an iphone. And the MORE applications he puts on it? The MORE he will love me.
3. Minimal comments DOES NOT EQUAL minimal reading
This has been a good lesson for me to learn. The Secret Project has definitely been one of my favourite parts of this blog for some time. And though the comments are usually a lot lower for these posts, stats show that they are often some of the posts people enjoy reading the most. Also they are the posts that generate the most email discussion (which I always enjoy). Lesson learned.
4. “Free” DOES NOT EQUAL Free
I’m a huge sucker for promotional gifts. I mean, there was a time if you told me I’d get a pea-sized squirt of hand lotion that smelled like urine if I spent $150 on wrinkle cream, I’d be fighting you to be first in line. I’m especially bad with Clinque. I don’t even really enjoy Clinque products, but their “free gift” with purchase means I now have enough Clinque products to last Gwyneth Paltrow and her entire yoga troupe a life time. Only recently did I start focusing on the other half of that slogan “..gift WITH PURCHASE“. Meaning ” GIFT YOU PAY FOR”. Sure, sometimes it’s worth it- bliss samples from Sephora pretty much make my life worth living, but more full sized bottles of Clinque just so I can get a trial sized version of eye makeup remover? No thank you.
5. Complicated DOES NOT EQUAL interesting
I wish someone would have told me this during my teenage years. One too many episodes of angst ridden Degrassi taught me that complicated people were complex and far more interesting. Which made me feel like a failure when I wasn’t having a baby at 14 or sporting an eight inch mohawk. I guess everyone goes through this phase, the one where suddenly life is less valuable if you don’t have things you are fighting for or struggling over. Thankfully I’m over it. Sure, there are always things to strive for but now I look at someone like my grandfather, a simple man who’s led an extraordinary life and find him far more interesting than Spike, her baby and the drama with Shane.
There’s going to be three people who follow the Spike reference. And I’m betting all three enjoy universal health care, poutine and coffee from Tim Hortons.
“I like my dogs more than every single person I’ve ever met.” March 23, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.24 comments
It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday posts in January and February to get caught up!
1. I so desperately want to be a mother some day, but haven’t had a boyfriend since high school that I’m terrified I’ll never find anyone who would want to be with me.
2. When my brother and his ex-wife split, my brother needed me more than anything, I was there for him, since he has moved on, I’m now scared that I need him more than he needs me.
3. Sometimes I think that my best friend is my soul mate. In a purely platonic way. But I think in order to consider someone as your soul mate, the feeling has to be mutual, doesn’t it? So sometimes I don’t think they are my soul mate.
4. I wish I were one of those bloggers who are able to meet other bloggers and have real life friendships. There are bloggers I’ve been reading for what seems like forever, and I’ve been a regular commenter on their sites for years, but I don’t think they ever visit my blog. With the few readers I do have, I worry that emails or IMs to them might be unwelcome. So even in the blogosphere where people can pretend to be whoever they want to be and introverts become Internet idols, I’m just as socially inept as I am in real life.
5. I’m falling for my best friend. I’m scared to ruin years of amazing friendship. I’m scared that my feelings aren’t reciprocated. But I’m also afraid that if I don’t say something, I’ll always wonder about him and what “we” could have been.
6. Because they now have small daughters and I am worried that the same thing will happen to them, I have recently told my Cousin and Cousin in Law that their father/father in law molested me from the time I was 2 till I was 17. My family confronted the Aunt and Uncle with this when I finally told them about it at age 17. Since I have been talking about this to my cousin, whose parents never separated or told any of their kids about this, she told me that her mom and dad have said since I was about that age that “You can’t always trust what she says.” We all believe that my aunt and uncle were just grooming their children in the event that perhaps someday I would tell them what he did to me. I want so badly to confront my aunt about this lie she is telling to people, but it is not my place to open up that can of worms because the girls have not decided when they will tell their husbands. I am a very honest person and pride myself on that. It feels better to tell someone about this, but it still sucks that he did this to me and at least two other girls.
7. I accidentally backed the U-Haul I rented into the wall of a store. And it was glass. And it shattered. Nobody was around and I freaked and just took off. That was almost a year ago and I apparently got away with it, but I still feel pretty bad about it.
8. I put on strong smelling hand lotion every time I fart in my cubicle because I’m too lazy to get up & fart somewhere else.
9. After my ex-husband’s affair & our divorce, I wanted him to regret everything & want me back. Now that he does, it makes me feel like shit because it means we’re both unhappy. If he was happy with his slutty mistress, at least the pain would have been worthwhile for one of us.
10. I continually turn down my crush when he asks me on dates because I’m afraid I’ll screw the relationship up & subsequently lose my fantasy about the two of us. Instead I “Facebook stalk” him & lead him on…only to turn him down again. I’m such a jackass.
Exactly what I needed to hear March 18, 2009
Posted by brandy in 20something, adventure, confession of the day, hello universe? I love you, i should be a P.S.A., I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, it makes sense to me, quote of the day, something I won't forget, the less i worry the happier i am, thinking, when I go all Dr. Phil on you.comments closed
(via we heart it)
A peek inside my soul closet
March 16, 2009
Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, and now you might know everything, Annie Lebowitz is so jealous, confession of the day, don't judge me based on my love for bad music, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., let's not talk about how long this took, man I'm such a girl, overwhelmed doesn't even begin....
62 comments
I’ve decided that today I want to be that person who posts pictures of her closet on the internet. Tomorrow I might go into detail about my daily eating habits. Keep your fingers crossed.
Okay, all joking aside (because yes, I was joking- no one really cares that I would taser my grandmother for a daily bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch), my closet is a continuing issue for me. Mostly because there are things I like to do (own pretty clothes) and that comes into direct conflict with things I DO NOT like to do (throw out any clothes because hello? That faux fur trimmed Gap vest I bought in the fall of 2003 MIGHT just get popular again). But, the closet was once again getting out of hand. Here is proof:
And then I looked up and saw this: 
So I had had two glasses of wine, put on some Soul Decision and began. I shrieked when I found old favorites and cringed when I found a plaid kilt circa 1994. Four hours later, this is what I had created:
The mission is far from over. Of course my university degree is still hidden. And yeah, I’m fully aware that “Clothes to piled up to HERE” makes as much sense as me hanging on to a hypercolor t-shirt. What I was trying to convey was that if you look at that bottom shelf? The clothes are piled up past the clothes on the hangers. Meaning, that anytime I dare to take something off a hanger, I have to brace my body for a flood of clothes to come piling down on me from the dark depths of my closet. That shelf is a project for another day that I know I really do have to tackle. Because the idea of a mountain of clothes falling on me and me dying of suffocation at the hands of a hypercolor t-shirt I couldn’t bear to throw out, just doesn’t sit well with me.
“I really do think I am an extraordinary person who will never be happy doing ordinary things. I can’t really say that aloud though, because it sounds conceited.” March 16, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.23 comments
It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday posts in January and February to get caught up!
1. I am a bisexual girl, and I write a sex blog and publish erotica under a pen name. I have a story coming out in a book that will actually be sold on Amazon.com, and I can’t tell anyone about it because then they’d find out about my secret life. Bummer, because it’s my biggest professional accomplishment to date.
2. I am beginning to realize I don’t love my mother in the unconditional way children are supposed to love their parents. I don’t like the person she is.
3. I have come to realize that I subconsciously sabotaged my graduation because my mom was pressuring me to move home to live with her and I didn’t want to. I hate her for that.
4. I envy my brother, who is in jail, because he no longer has to deal with my mother and her issues.
5. I think I’m not worthy of my husband. Even when he insists I am everything he wanted (except the temper tantrums and the size 12 butt maybe?!) – I keep trying to make him agree that he would have been better off without me. And then start crying saying he doesn’t love me because I’m not worthy of him.
6. I used to have a job I LOVED. Then I messed up big time. Now I’d give anything to have that job back – even though I make more money now, and work fewer hours. (this person emailed me again with an update to say that they got fired from their job)
7. I don’t have a job or kids and my marriage is barely there and all my mother can talk about is about my double chin.
8. I had an abortion almost 3 years ago. I don’t think I’ll ever quit having mixed emotions about my decision.
9. Even though we’re not ready, sometimes I wish we were engaged just so I could have some new blog material.
10. I know you still talk to her, I know you don’t want a serious relationship, but the way you’re treating me screams otherwise and all I want is a real shot with you. I think I should let go and I think you might even be bad for me, but all I want is to be back where we were a few months ago and start fresh. I think what we have is absolute magic and I can’t bring myself to believe it might not be real. I have never met anyone like you and I can’t stand to think I might not keep you.
What are we waiting for? March 12, 2009
Posted by brandy in About the last line? I'm kidding. I promise, are you there God? It's me- ripping off Judy Blume, i love fragment sentences, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it makes sense to me, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., self improvement, the less i worry the happier i am.comments closed
The funny thing about bloggers is that we are often far more private than what people would expect. I mean, we have no qualms about discussing our relationships, our sex lives (or lack thereof, ahem), our goals, our failures, the reasons we get up in the morning and the stuff that makes us hide in bed with a bottle of lemon flavored vodka and back issues of Real Simple . But sometimes, it would appear- that leaving comments is too public. That’s when my gmail box gets flooded.
This week I got a lot of emails from people who didn’t leave comments on the previous post but still wanted to share what they would do if they had one week to do anything they wanted. What struck me by the answers of others (and the one I gave myself), is how often we all said we would tell people how we felt. How would we say all those things that we assume people know but never really articulate. The stuff you almost tell after that fourth beer, the thoughts you want to share early in the morning before the world comes crashing in with it’s distractions and dilemmas and doubt. The words that almost fall out of your mouth when you find yourself in that moment where you feel like you can say everything you want to- but instead say nothing.
It just seems like such a missed opportunity.
I resolve to do better. To be more brave. The kind of brave that requires great character, unwavering courage or alcohol.
Thank goodness for the bottle of vodka under my bed.
What would you do in one week? March 10, 2009
Posted by brandy in adventure, Andrea should move back to Canada, hello universe? I love you, i know- we all LOVE him, movies, question of the day, the title says it all, thinking.58 comments
Oh internet, I’m in love.
With a movie.
Called “One Week“.
Those of you who aren’t Canadian (or who don’t love Joshua Jackson with all of your soul unlike this girl) may not have heard of it. It basically is a movie about a man is confronted with death and goes on a roadtrip to figure out exactly what he wants in life. That sounds cliche, doesn’t? But I assure you, this movie is unlike any I’ve ever watched. Plus, it’s fun to see how they cram Canada into every possible scene- through showcasing the beauty of the country, a Canadian Tire reference and lots of Tim Hortons product placement. Oh and the soundtrack? I’m in love with it. So much so that I want to open mouth kiss it. And grab its ass.
The end of the movie has a lovely moment when the viewer gets asked, if you had only had one week to live, what would you do? What wish would you want fulfilled? Who would be the one person you would declare love to? What city would you jet off to, just for a cup of coffee? What would make you smile, what would make you feel grateful? What would be exactly what you wanted?
So of course dear readers, I now have to ask you, what would you do with one week?
The #$@%ing Post I Had To Write March 9, 2009
Posted by brandy in books, other people say it better, when i ask you to do things for me.17 comments
I have a confession.
I’ve been holding out on you. Big time holding out. Like if you only knew the kind of holding out I’ve been doing, you would have the most serious case of blue balls ever possible. (That’s if “blue balls” were actually possible. Cosmo magazine informed me many years ago they weren’t. Thus, any guy who ever tried to use that term to get laid promptly got scoffed at. It would appear Cosmo did serve some sort of purpose during my formative years).
Anyway.
In December, Peter sent me a copy of his novella that he had finished. He asked if I would do a review of his work. Of course I said yes. And then devoured the story. And then I read it again. And again. And then um, five more times in the last two months. Then I got really self conscious. I realized that my facebook Scrabble partner (that would be Peter) was far more clever than I could possibly be. And sure, I could throw down words like “QAT” in Scrabble and gain 48 points, but Peter, oh Peter, could write lines like this that made me feel like I was living the story he told:
“It was one of those days. The cloudless and seemed impossibly big. The sun was stunningly bright but appeared almost small in relation. The air was the kind of warm that made you wonder why you’d ever want to go back inside. Everything moved just a step slower than usual.”
So I read this brilliant novella, titled: #$@&ing Read Me! and didn’t tell you about it because you know, I’m greedy. I’ve thought of a thousand ways to explain this and yet I always come up short. I think Peter has described it best:
Not only is the story well written, both heartbreakingly honest and laugh out loud funny- it manages to be a love story told from a mans point of view, in a way that both men and women can relate to. I read this novella at first wishing that I knew people like the characters and then realizing that I did- Peter has just brushed off the people we all know in our daily lives, made them a bit funnier, a bit more honest and put them in a love story unlike any I’ve ever read. And I’m a book whore, I read a lot.
The first time I read it, my goal was to ration the pages, so I could savor each word, each joke, each clever line that left the want-to-be-writer in me full of envy. Of course I failed miserably and read the whole thing in one gigantic, satisfied swoop. I urge you to buy this book, read it, read it again, read it one more time and then tell those who you love- that you love them. And then brush up on your Scrabble skills because if Peter challenges you on facebook, there is a chance you will lose. Besides writing a story that clings to your insides, his Scrabble playing is getting better with every game.
In short? You should #$@%ing read it.
