How You Know It’s Time To Call Me A Cab February 26, 2009
Posted by brandy in i like scotch & table dancing, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it's okay- you can skim this one, lists, oh dear, tequila consequences, the title says it all, this makes me sound dumber than i am, tomorrow will be better, top 10.49 comments
1. I hug you. Often. And without warning. In fact, the ‘sneak attack’ hug becomes the #1 weapon in my arsenal.
2. I suddenly start liking hot dogs. Especially, hot dogs from 7-11. Or, if I’m going to be frank, I will eat any “meat” product under the heat lamp at 7-11. And I will be the GREATEST THING EVER.
3. Cute guys no longer matter but I will be instantly attracted to anyone who is riding the mechanical bull.
4. I ride the mechanical bull. Twice.
5. I decide that taking those STD posters that you find in the bathroom and putting them in my friends bag is the height of hilarity. Ditto salt and pepper shakers.
6. Shoes become optional. Especially when dancing.
7. I get the hiccups. Loudly. And then need to TELL PEOPLE I have the hiccups. (Because, after three martinis, I forget that hiccups MAKE A SOUND that other people can hear).
8. I only want to talk about sex. Or politics. Or the politics of sex.
9. No one is more interesting than my cab driver and it’s important that I a) find out this entire life story b) assure him that I sympathize him having to deal with all the OTHER people he has to give rides to since they will be drunk and clearly I am not and c) tip him at least $20. And when I get out? We hug.
10. I would stab a dolphin with a ballpoint pen for a slice of pizza.
Yeah. I know. This post has the distinct odor of being a ‘filler post’. I’m trying to end the week on a high note (and high note apparently means discussing stabbing friendly water animals with an almost human-like intelligence). Oy. Have a good weekend internet.
Fact #4627 February 25, 2009
Posted by brandy in anger and I have sat down for tea, confession of the day, i am slowly going crazy, seriously, swimming in a sea of self pity, today has been crummy, vague is vogue, when it doesn't go my way.25 comments
Today is just going to be one of those days.
My Oscar General Thank You Speech
February 23, 2009
Posted by brandy in are you there God? It's me- ripping off Judy Blume, brookem is awesome!, don't judge me based on my love for bad music, earning my dork badge, family, here is my heart, i know- we all LOVE him, I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, it's ironic because I'm Canadian, Josh Lyman needs his own tag, people i like, right on my sleeve, so egan will LOVE this, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the world according to me, this one is about you, why I will never be the CEO of Apple.
33 comments
Despite my love for sparkly prom-like dresses, my willingness to sit through hours of singing and dancing and my **mild appreciation of Wolverine Hugh Jackman, I wasn’t invited to the Oscars this year. AND WORSE YET, I wasn’t even nominated. I have a ridiculous vlog saved somewhere on my computer, I thought just making it would have been enough to secure a nomination, but no. If I would have vlogged about Slumdog Millionaire I would have got nominated. Man. I bet if I would have just looked directly into the camera and said “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE!” I would have at least won AT LEAST two awards, Elton and I would have had a duet and Mickey Rourke would have asked for my number. Damn.
So, the thank you speech I had prepared was going to go to waste when I thought to myself “Self! Blog that! GD woman, don’t waste a great speech! Share it with the world!“. So here it is. My general, “thank you world” speech.
First of all, let’s give a shout out to whoever runs things upstairs. Well done on Obama by the way. Parents, thanks for lying to me about Santa and the Easter Bunny until it was unhealthy for me to STILL believe and then having my peers laugh at me and tell me the truth. That was definitely a traumatic character building moment in my life, a moment that assisted me later in life with my CRAFT. Also? Thanks for cutting the crusts off my sandwiches, using a hammer and nails to build me forts in the house with blankets (that really was more my dad, my mom just about went into a seizure when she saw the holes in the wall) and putting calamine lotion on me when the chicken pox were eating me alive. To my dear brother? Now our parents really will love me more.
To my “real life” friends, thanks for answering the 3 am calls where I question my sanity, the 2pm Starbuck meet ups where I kicked your asses at Scrabble, for waiting patiently while I attempted the LC braid before a night out. And mostly? Thanks for loving me despite all the reasons it would be easy not to. (Like, the trash talking involved in Scrabble. And the fact that if you called me on November 4th, I hung up on you).
To Ikea, for being the only place I can get a good handle on some lingonberry while buying a $9 lamp. To Sephora, for always taking all my money while simultaneously causing me to believe my life will be worthless if I don’t own a $36 tube of mascara. (At least you have free samples, hear that Ikea? Lingonberry to go. GET ON THAT). Also? Thanks to Susan Juby for writing the funniest book alive, ” Alice, I think”, and to Carly Rae Jespen, for writing an addictive pop song with a heavy emphasis on co-dependent behavior.
To Miss Brookem, who puts up with my horrible ability to stay in contact and still writes me the most lovely emails. And Sara who graciously hands out her heart in each post she writes. To Kyla Bea, (who has an amazing blog) who let’s me be a creeper and talk to her about apple slicers, and wishcake (who is cuter than a baby panda in a tutu) and who writes posts that make me feel like the world is better than I imagine it sometimes is.
To Beth who has made me laugh out loud while hating my job and Miss Renee, who has promised me a job running her election campaign. I will be the blonde, female, Canadian version of Josh Lyman. Be prepared world.
To Egan, who has shown me that parenthood has far more blessings that burdens, Laurie who lets me send her emails that are fueled by RED BULL (okay, she doesn’t really ‘let me‘, I sort of just started doing it. But still. She hasn’t blocked me, so that counts for something right?), Maxie who manages to gross me out with her ‘would you rather’ question every week, and Matt who talks to me about unicorns football , movies starring Tom Hanks drinking and how awesome I am.
And to all of you who voted for me back in January, allowing me to win these two lovely awards. One day, when technology is more friend than foe, these awards will be on my sidebar. Until then know that I appreciate them, you and Ikea with all my heart.
If you won an Oscar, who would you thank?
* That whole Oscar thing is a complete lie. I know. I had you fooled. See? That is what acting IS my friends, I’ve mesmerized you with my ability to transform myself through MY CRAFT. Okay I need to quit attempting to act like J. Phoenix. The idea of a “thank you” post was actually inspired by Miss Lovely.
** mild appreciation= I want to touch him. And use his abdominals as a pillow while he feeds me grapes. And then he can read me the phone book in that disarmingly sexy accent.
“I lie about my twitter updates” February 23, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.48 comments
It’s Monday, so that means another installment of “The Secret Project“. Everyone else is going to be talking Oscars so I’m going to put my points in really quick before I share your secrets. Here they are: “Slumdog Millionaire” is brilliant, people need to cut Jen Aniston some slack (who WOULDN’T be nervous standing feet away from your ex husband AND his girlfriend who is half stunning goddess, half Mother Teresa alllll while speaking to a billion people live?), Natalie Portman (who I adore) needs to eat some food and I am that ONE person on the planet who liked Miley Cyrus’s dress. I know, I know, I’ve heard all the insults regarding it and I STILL LOVE IT. Also? Like I said last week, I keep getting submissions, so if you have secrets to send- email them in. And to check out previous Secret posts, click any Monday in February and catch up!
1. I used to steal allot when I was 14. I stole from my moms cash register at her old store, clothes from stores, candy I would steal it all. I stole money and jewelry from friends and when I got accused by my best friend it I made everyone believe that the she was a crazy liar, they believed me. I never told anyone and I feel horrible about it till this day. I believe karma followed me.
2. One time at my work, I found a wallet in the women’s bathroom. I opened it up to see who’s it was and found close to $200 cash inside. I took the money, wiped the wallet of my fingerprints and tossed the evidence in the men’s bathroom trashcan and no one’s ever known.
3. I didn’t trust my then-boyfriend now-husband, so I used to regularly check his email. (Long story. I promise I had reasons.) It backfired when I read about his plan to propose to me. He’ll never know I wasn’t 100% surprised and that sucks.
4. I consider myself all evolved and deep and I spout petty wisdoms about how a man’s character would have me at hello. But then I ask myself things like, ”Who should I date? The man who makes my heart a flutter with his words but is just too damn short? Or the one that makes my heart a flutter with his lanky, layered, hotness but might be (probably is) a douchebag of note?” My secret is that I would choose the latter every time and I hate myself–so very much–for it.
5. The best relationship I had was with someone I never “met”.
6. I think I saw my dad looking at porn once, but I looked away so quickly that I can’t be sure. I may or may not have seen hairy, naked men on the computer screen in front of him.
7. Sometimes I think that I should seriously look into taking an anti-anxiety medication. I fear I may worry myself to death.
8. I don’t know if I will ever be completely happy with myself.
9. i have been in love with my best guy friend for 5 years. i have tried to get over it to no avail. he seems to be finally figuring it out (because of course i have only hinted at the fact that i am possibly in love with him). Even if I’m way out in left on this and he has no idea, I’d wait another five years. probably more. I love him that much.
10. I expect other people to understand me and just “get” me, when the truth is, half the time I don’t get myself. Sometimes I go back and forth with the idea of trying to be anorexic or bulimic. Just for a couple months.
11. It’s been over 3 years since I graduated high school, but I still think about my freshman english teacher every day. As a senior she told me she loved me, I worry I’ll never stop loving her. It’s all so strange, since we both consider ourselves straight women; I wonder if love can break that boundary.
12. I’m scared of dogs. As in, deathly afraid of them. I know it’s bizarre but I just find them terrifying.
13. I’m in turmoil. I just need out, but I know my “knight in shining armor” will never come, and I’ve dug the hole so deep I don’t know if I can get out by myself. Only one other person knows…but he has other people to save.
14. I’ve loved you ever since the moment I felt you tracing a square on my knee and for three years I spent every day desperately longing for you to feel the same. You told me you loved me the day before I left for college. It’s four years later, and I think I’m going to marry the man I’m with now instead because you utterly destroyed me on that day by leaving it until the last possible moment we could be together. I will always love you more though.
15.I think I’m not worthy of my husband. Even when he insists I am everything he wanted (except the temper tantrums and the size 12 butt maybe?! – I keep trying to make him agree that he would have been better off without me. And then start crying saying he doesn’t love me because I’m not worthy of him.
16. i haven’t been able to find a job in over a year, i have nothing left to lose, and all i want to do is die.
17. My husband and I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have kids for the last year. More than infertility, I’m worried it’s because we’re not able to figure out the “plumbing”.
18. I’m a single guy who had no idea what a blog was until I stumbled upon a few last year. Now, I have a crush on a blogger who is just damn funny (and hot!) and I don’t know if or how if I should tell her?
19. I have struggled with bulimia for 7yrs. It’s not about losing weight; it’s about tearing yourself apart from the inside.
20. I’m going to propose to her this weekend. I hope to God she says yes.
Heavy boots (in hindsight, I should have called this, “THE MOST DEPRESSING POST EVER”) February 16, 2009
Posted by brandy in AHHHHHHHHHHH!, and now you might know everything, i am slowly going crazy, i complain because I care, i do not like movies starring "The ROCK", it's ironic because I'm Canadian, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, oh dear, overwhelmed doesn't even begin..., seriously, the title says it all, things I don't say outloud, today has been crummy, today i am not funny, tomorrow will be better, when it doesn't go my way.51 comments
So, today was the worst Presidents Day ever. Wait, I don’t technically get to celebrate Presidents Day, but my province had it’s own holiday but it doesn’t sound as cool. As some of you have already read (thanks twitter! For allowing me to share everything in 140 characters or less), the BEST part of today has been the fact that I found out someone got into my bank account and withdrew everything. So, if that was the best part, use your imagination to imagine the worst part and if you guess it involves TEARS or getting licked by Mickey Rourke you would be close. Okay, there was no Mickey involved with today, but it was THAT sort of bad. Anyway, I found this post in my drafts folder, and I re-read it today thinking, “yes, by GOD! This is exactly how today was, except completely different. Now somebody hand me some Jim Beam to finish while I finish listening to my TEARS HITTING THE FLOOR”. Also, if the term ‘heavy boots’ means nothing to you, for shame. And get yourself a copy of “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” by Jonathan Safran Foer. It is one of the greatest books of ALL TIME.
First of all, it’s important that you stay up all night. Not because you are doing someone something awesome, but because you have heavy things on the brain. Like John Goodman sort of heavy, to the point your brain feels like it’s going to be crushed by the weight of all the thoughts you can’t articulate. And because you are someone who prides herself on using words, on searching for the best word to describe any given moment, any given feeling, realize that not being able to articulate your exact frustration rates in the deepest and most fiery pits of Hell. The pit of Hell that’s usually reserved for viewing movies starring The Rock, or cold sores on prom night. Also keep in mind, that not sleeping at all? It ensures that you will spend time in bed laying there, and for the first time in many nights, actively wish for the screech of your alarm clock so your day can begin.
And wishing for your alarm clock to go off just so you can stop laying there thinking all the thoughts that are giving you *heavy boots, is depressing enough.
Next? Realize the outfit you laid out the night before is completely wrong for your task today. Take out every single article of clothing you own and then toss it on the ground when you realize it’s not what you want. Stomp your feet in frustration if necessary.
Get toothpaste in your hair. Soap in your eye. Cut your finger on a razor. Suddenly notice you are wearing a black bra with a white shirt. Sort through all the clothes on your floor until you find another shirt. Again, stomp your feet in frustration if necessary.
Look at the clock. Curse. Skip breakfast.
Realize your Uggs are in your car. Attempt to walk in heels to your car in a foot of snow. Spend minutes you do not have attempting to push the snow off your car with one-mittened hand. You have, of course, lost your other mitten.
Spend time in a waiting room with coughing elderly people and screaming children. Pass a ball to a child with scarlet cheeks only to have her sneeze all over you.
Struggle to find a kleenex.
Answer questions about all the sex you aren’t having to someone with cold hands.
Get a flat tire.
Cry.
Scold yourself for crying.
Spill apple juice on your pants.
Call the people you are supposed to call at times like this. Have them attempt to console you with stories of how great their day was. Lose interest after the third story involving a lovely boyfriend doing something thoughtful. Spend much of the phone conversation mentally calculating how long it would take people to notice you’ve given up all worldly possessions and now reside in a hut on some tiny Pacific island.
Realize that the people who know you best are no longer the people you see everyday.
Notice you’ve been wearing your shirt inside out.
Feel sad.
Find a popsicle.
Consider moving.
Realize you don’t know where you would go.
Make a note to google “small Pacific islands”.
Lay on the floor. Realize how dirty it is.
Think about washing it.
Don’t.
“I have $13,813.48 in credit card debt and it weighs on my mind every single day of my life.” February 16, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.29 comments
It’s Monday, so it’s another edition of The “Secret” Project. Remember, each Monday, the title of the post and the 20 secrets below are secrets that have been emailed to me by individuals who want to share anonymously. You can still submit your secrets, email them to me if you want to participate. To see the previous installments, check out my calendar on the sidebar, and click any Monday in February to see what you’ve missed.
1. Despite being very much in love with a man I feel is the love of my life, I CRAVE sexual attention / flirtation from other men and continue to seek it out. I don’t think I’d take it too far or cheat but I don’t entirely trust myself either.
2. I’m too much of a good girl to make my life happen. I don’t want to let others down, don’t want to disappoint my parents, don’t want to make the wrong choice… and I don’t know how to change that about myself but I’m too young to feel like my life is falling down around me.
3. I always feel guilty when my boss tells me how well I’ve been doing and yet I know I’ve just been coasting.
4. I have a habit of making out with married men, and only married men, when I am very, VERY drunk. Happened again this past Friday night and yes, I am aware that there is a very special place in hell for me .
5. I’ve told everyone for years that I enjoy being single, with the freedom it affords me and the fact that being single helps keep my life simple. (And I really do like simple!). But the truth is, if I could lose weight and feel better about my self, I’d like nothing more than to be in love with a woman and to share our lives.
6. I am a 25 year old virgin. It’s partly by choice (I am, afterall, the token Jesus Freak of the 20sb community), but also partly by circumstance. In high school, when everyone is supposed to have their awkward first time, I just never had the opportunity.
7. I left I job I loved to take one with more pay because I have $15,922 of credit card debt. Now I am miserable.
8. I’ve been having an on/off again affair with a man I’ve never met ( I met him online) for almost six years and I have been married for 12 years. The other man thinks I’m divorced.
9. Not so deep down, I know I’m in a terrible relationship & I really want out of it, but haven’t yet found the strength or the courage to be on my own.
10. I’m waiting for a guy to come along who will matter more than he does, but I don’t know how that will ever happen when every song I love reminds me of him.
11. My mother-in-law doesn’t get that I could keep my surname rather than changing it after marriage. I don’t really mind and I don’t want to cause family friction but I wasn’t planning to change my surname. And now I am feeling pissed off because there is a lot of paperwork involved and I didn’t want to do it in the first place!
12. I’m terrified that men won’t want to date me when they find out I am still a virgin.
13. I was still sleeping with my ex when we first got together. I told you that I wasn’t, I told you that you were the only one, but you weren’t. I broke it off soon after, but when we were first together, I cheated on you with my ex.
14. I dont know how to write my [semi] new last name in cursive. i’ve never been able to and i probably never will.
15. When I found out he was dating someone else (even though it is not exclusive) I felt sad. And the worst part is that I cant tell if I want to keep dating him because I really like him or because I dont want to come in second.
16. I married a man I like because the man I love did not want me. Most days, I am happy.
17. I wish my dad was more “daddy” and less “dad”. I know he loves me, and cares about me, and I’ll always be his little girl, but it hurts that I’m not a true daddy’s girl because he doesn’t know how to show his feelings.
18. I’m 22 and my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to adopt 2 daughters from Ethiopia one day.
19. I’m with someone who is planning on spending the rest of his life with me. I should be thrilled, but instead, I fantasize about my ex-boyfriend, and I will never love him as much as I loved my high school sweetheart.
20. I’m friends with someone at work that I really can’t stand. If we didn’t work together, I would never be her friend.
It took three bloggers to finish this meme February 15, 2009
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, blame country music, dogs, don't hate me for this, famous people make for good gossip, i can't believe i have a football tag, i like scotch & table dancing, I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, it happened this week, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it was a dance dance revolution, it's okay- you can skim this one, let's not talk about how long this took, lists, movies, sigh. i've made a tag for THE HILLS., so egan will LOVE this, the one that nobody reads because of the title, top 10.33 comments
I know. That title is such a hook. You are dying to read this aren’t you? The word ‘meme’ always gets the people flocking.
Let me tell you a little story. There’s that “letter” meme going around (that isn’t the story, stay with me, I promise this tale gets SCINTILLATING), Beth gave Matt the letter “D”. Then, I complained to Matt that I had nothing interesting to blog about (yes, these are the things I say in gchat conversations, doesn’t it make you want to find me so we can talk RIGHT NOW?), so Matt gave ME his letter. Because he’s selfless like that. So in short, I’m doing the meme that Matt was assigned from Beth. Follow? Geez. Word to the wise? Never type anything more complicated than your first name when you are hungover. Also? Never drink vodka, then whiskey, then apple pie shots. In fact? Never drink. Ever. That’s todays tip. Oh wait!
1. Drunk- “Drunk” would be in the top five of words I loath. I’m not sure what it is, maybe because it’s always followed by a phrase like ‘girl showing her boobs‘ or ‘driver who crashed into a tree‘, but ‘drunk’ never sounds like a good word to be. I prefer ‘spirited’. Or even ‘inebriated’. Or at the very worst ‘stage five yeller, complete with unnecessary urge to dry hump inappropriate objects‘. But never ‘drunk’. Never.
2. Dungy, Tony- As in the greatest football coach ever. Considering I’m quite new to the football scene (can I call it a ‘scene’, is that the right term?) I know I might have missed a lot of people when granting Dungy title of ‘best coach ever’, but I don’t mean just on the field, I’ve read a lot about his charity work and he seems very humble and very committed to making a difference in his community. In short, he is the kind of person my resume tries to make me look like I am.
3. Dogs- I know I will get heat for this but I would always chose to own a dog over a cat. I feel like cats require you to earn their love and that’s too much work. I love animals that just love me immediately. It feeds my ego. (Cat people, can we still be friends?)
4. Douchebaggery (thanks Renee)- Let me give you some tips: If you are popping multiple collars on the multiple polos you are wearing, while demanding bottle service and making lewd comments about girls who are standing close enough to hear you, you might be exhibiting signs of douchebaggery. Not to be confused with debauchery… though I guess there could be some links.
5. Dancing- I love dancing. Especially (prepared to be filled with shock and awe) country dancing. And, AND? I’m pretty good at it. Last night I took pity on a 19 year old boy and taught him to dance. I want to say I was fueled by the feeling of being kind to another or even fueled by alcohol but I suspect I was fueled mostly by the constant adoration this grasshopper bestowed on me. Example sentence : “Wow, this is amazing. No, YOU are amazing. Can we dance to the next song too? You are so good and patient, this is the best Valentine’s Day ever!” And my response “Hush grasshopper, hush“. In my defense though, I DID endure him stepping on my feet through Keith Urban’s entire musical catalogue and I’ve given him enough tools that he can dance without looking like a robot having a seizure. I declare a victory for everyone.
6. Dread- Tomorrow is Monday. Enough said.
7. Dinosaurs!- Remember last year when I had a different resolution each month? One of the few I actually accomplished was the month were I picked a topic to learn about (in that case Shakespeare). I decided this year to dedicate each month to learning about a different topic. February has been all about pyramids (and stem cell research, but that’s a whole other tangent) and it’s been fascinating. Next month? Dinosaurs. Because I’m always looking for ways to regress into a 11 year old boy (this is the excuse I give myself when I spend an entire afternoon reading Calvin and Hobbes while drinking milk straight from the carton).
8. Drew Barrymore- People seem to either love her or hate her. I fall into the love category. I used to find her as irritating as soap in the eye, but her quirky, adorkable-ness has sort of grown on me. Plus, E.T is awesome.
9. drama- An outlet that used to be a huge part of my life. I took theatre in school, then later went on to work at a childrens theatre, and even later got to teach a semester of Intro to Acting to college kids. Now the only drama I’m involved in is watching MTV reality shows. Lame.
10. Donalds, Mc- Okay I’m cheating. But really? My life situation would dramatically improve if someone brought me french fries. Immediately. With honey. Did I gross you out with that? Does anyone else like honey with their french fries? No? Just me then? I’m okay with that. I’m also apparently okay with cheating on a meme and answering my own questions. I need a nap. And french fries.
Love is… February 12, 2009
Posted by brandy in don't judge me based on my love for bad music, holidays, lists, love or something like it, man I'm such a girl, so egan will LOVE this, the title says it all, this tag is for you Arm!, when i ask you to do things for me, your vote matters here.56 comments
Finish this sentence:
Love is:___________________________________________________
Need some help? Here are some of mine:
… going to a concert you don’t want to go to because you know the other person NEEDS to see matchbox twenty so badly that they will be in physical pain if they don’t experience the caress of Rob Thomas’ voice live.
… watching reality television when you’d rather put your arm in a meat slicer.
… saying your sorry when you mean it and following up your apology with a ordered in pizza home made dinner.
… checking each other for lice.
Happy early Valentines internet! Now spill!
(and if you are bored out of your mind interested, here are my views on Valentines Day.)
