Explain to Me: The Benefits of Friends with Benefits November 24, 2008
Posted by brandy in About the last line? I'm kidding. I promise, I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, confession of the day, i post dated this mofo!, it's not you it's me, question of the day, sigh. i've made a tag for THE HILLS., the sex tag, the title says it all, thinking, this might be why I'm single, when i ask you to do things for me.trackback
In the last few weeks I’ve had multiple conversations with people all of whom are in ‘friends with benefits’ situations. Which? Always intrigues me, the way Alaskan cruises or tightrope walking intrigues me- I think they appear fun but I don’t think they are for me.
There’s a gene I think I lack. The “I’m cool with exchanging bodily fluids without caring enough to date you” gene. Don’t get me wrong- I’ve done the walk of shame, I’ve made very many bad choices and have enjoyed every single one. But repeatedly going back to the same person, liking them enough to sleep with them but not enough to date them? There’s something about this idea that makes me unable to do this- similar to wanting to like Spencer but just not being able to. (Wait, I think I just compared Spencer to sex, that is so… so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. Also? He and Heidi got married?! What. The. Hell?!)
Which of course, makes listening to others talk about the benefits and consequences of their situations even more interesting to me. I hear of the convenience and the ease, how with a quick dinner or a drink they’ve guaranteed sex for the night. I hear about how comfortable the routine is, how they don’t worry about feelings or consequences and how no one stays up wondering “where is this going?”. And of course, I hear how nice it is to have guaranteed sex.
But the funny thing is, I’m not hearing anyone tell me how great the sex is that they are having. It’s all being described as mediocre. Which makes me wonder, are these people just picking the wrong “friend” to have sex with? Or is it possible that the one benefit you don’t get from a “friend with benefits” is REALLY great sex? I know great sex is possible with the one night stand, but can you go back repeatedly to the same person that you know you never want to date and expect it to be mind blowing each time? And if it’s NOT good sex, is mediocre sex better than no sex?
These are my questions. I’m waiting for your answers.
(Don’t take this post the wrong way, I’m not judging this choice. In fact, there’s been times in my life where I’ve wished I was capable of pulling off this feat. I think if I would chew less ice if I had the ‘friends with benefit’ gene. And if you have to ask about the ice chewing, I can’t explain it).
Brandy, yes, some sex is better than no sex. Its like pizza – even shitty pizza is good!
perhaps they aren’t being totally truthful? Maybe it should be called the benefit of friends instead of vice versa…then mediocre sex seems more acceptable than no sex- unless you are Heidi.
Omg, ice chewers, unite!
I’ve never had the FWB situation but I think I might be able to handle it. I don’t get emotionally attached to people very easily. I was actually thinking though that people are starting to phase those out. I don’t really know anyone who has a friend with benefits at the moment.
I suffer from the same gene.
I do not enjoy the FWB. Someone always gets hurts because someone always falls for the other one when you’re supposed to be all “no feelings”. I’ve had great affairs that were based solely on sex and the sex was great. But they were fleeting and brief which is why I can remember them fondly. I’ve had one night stands with awesome sex. But it was probably awesome because it was one night. For me, on going great sex with the same person involves deep feeling.
“Always intrigues me, the way Alaskan cruises or tightrope walking intrigues me”
HAHAHAHA
I can’t do it. No idea how anyone can. It intrigues me to no end.
i’ve had this situation before and for me, it was always a guy i started out liking but then realized it was never going to work but we were both single so what the heck. once we crossed the street to the friends with benefits area it was great… great sex, someone to call when you’ve been out drinking and want to get it on, someone to go have sex with rather than going home with some stranger at a bar, it was a great situation. we never had dates/dinner/drinks with each other it was simply sex. we were really only physically attracted to each other. at the time i was involved in this it was the perfect situation then at some point i decided i wanted to have a relationship and knew i had to end the FWB to get that. it was a good time : )
I have the weird ability to do friends with benefits without getting attached. I’ve done it several times and it’s always worked out fine for me.
I think…there’s a safety in knowing that it can’t go anywhere beyond just casual hooking up. And that’s what makes it so appealing. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. It’s casual. Sometimes, when I’m in between relationships, the last thing I want is to fall in love with someone new or deal with the ambiguity. So I go for a friend with benefit. I already know him. I already know why it won’t work (and I don’t have pretensions that it will). And the best part is, we can be friends who indulge in other things as well when we feel like it. It doesn’t take over the friendship. At least not if you do it with someone who is on the same page.
There’s a complicit understanding that if anything changes (feelings, relationship-wise, etc.) you tell the other person immediately. Else you jeopardize the friendship. Hope that clarifies a bit.
I also chew ice. I’d never connected it to my sexual repression // frustration, but that is a really interesting theory.
I have pretty limited experience with the FWB, but I do have some experience and I’ve had close friends dabble in it. It’s a hot mess and you are missing nothing. It’s fun at first (the sex is often amazing in the beginning), but it never ends well.
Because eventually one of you develops stronger feelings and gets hurt. Or neither of you does, but one of you just gets TIRED of it faster. And that’s hurtful and disappointing, too. It’s just really hard to be physically intimate with someone and spend a fair amount of time together and not either (a) get sick of the person or (b) develop an emotional investment.
Or maybe there are some people who can truly do this. But I, like you, am not one of them
I couldn’t do it. I don’t agree that any sex is better than no sex.Especially for a woman. Aren’t you left unsatisfied in more than one way? And there are other options besides shitty sex with someone else. Joselyn Elders got fired for saying so during the Clinton years.
this is a tough situation. i personally have one situation where it is has been strictly friends with for quite a few years. it’s like a once a quarter thing (we don’t live in the same city). but i think this situation is not typical.
every other potential friends with benefits situation i have tried to maintain has not been the best. either i want more or the boy wants more.
who knows, it’s so hard to make generalizations for me at this point. sigh.
hmmm never had an “official” FWB thing… ok wait I lie. It was totally a FWB thing and it worked out fine. But I think because it was a limited time only thing (ie we were both leaving the city we were in) if it had been an indefinite situation I think someones feelings would have got involved at some point, or the sex would have got “not worth it”…
I think that would be the only situation in which it would work.
I had a FWB. But the problem was I WANTED to date him but he was all “no-relationships-until-after-med-school” even though I was all “but-you’re-hot-and-Russian!”
So I took the next best thing. Benefits.
My first real job didn’t give me health benefits so I guess Friends With Benefits is totally better than nothing.
I’m missing the same gene as you! I just can’t do it – I think it usually turns into a messy messy situation. Personally, I can’t totally seperate sex and emotions so I’d probably end up hurt or feeling used (even if I was using them back!) It just does not work for me.
welp. you know my story with grasshopper.
i think these things can work, but there need to be some sort of ground rules. then again, who wants to have a talk where they define rules? i also think they work for a bit, they run their course, and then they’re done.
i think if you’re going to go the friends with bennies route, the bennies better be damn good. otherwise, why not just stick to friends? i think when you get sick of going back to the same person, then it means it’s run it’s course. and hmm, no- i dont think mediocore sex is better than no sex. that’s what a good vibrator is for.
what?
In high school, I was teased often for my ice chewing habit but now I think everyone is used to it. I have get my frustration out somehow!
I’m in the camp that believes that friends with benefits rarely works. Someone usually gets attached and then gets hurt and then it’s a big mess blahblahblah. Lots o’ tears. But of course that has never, ever happened to me…
Oh wait. Yes, yes it has. Stupid missing gene.
I suffer from the same gene you do… I have tried – oh how I have tried… but I just can’t do it… I either like the person and want to date them or don’t like them enough to want to have sex again. Go figure.
I’m an ice chewer!
I’m not repressed though. I just like ice.
As for FWB, I dunno. I’ve had one night stands. And two night stands.
All of which were awful and weird and occurred within weeks of each other in a very strange point in my life.
I won’t ever do it again.
I think, at least for me, I need a connection to have good sex.
I have never been able to wrap my head around FWB, either. It seems to me someone is always more invested and, in my mind, there’s just no way it will end well. I do not get into things I already know won’t end well– at least not anymore.
I’ve never had a friend with benefits, but I do see its appeal. There have been times where I really don’t want a relationship, but it’d be nice to have someone for benefits from time to time. I dont think things like this should really last more than a month… but… idk. On the other hand- I am the kind of girl who *does* get attached semi easily, so maybe that’s why I’ve never done the whole friends w/benefits thing. Right now, I feel I’m over all that drama and want something real. I want to be in a relationship with someone i care about and want to be with.
I agree with the others who said that a “time constraint” is what makes a FWB relationship work. At least for me. I’ve never had a friends with benefits, but I don’t think I could do it if there were “no end in sight” (that’s the best way I can explain it). I’d probably want an easy way out at some point if I wasn’t into him enough to date him. I think when it would get too repetitive (like as in, well, I’m horny and who else is there? type of deal–when it happens often), I wouldn’t want to do it any more. I like the thrill of the chase. In the beginning I think it would be like that, but after awhile I’m sure I’d just get bored.
Hmmm. My FWB never led to home base, but definitely rounded third, so does that count? And as many previous commenters have said, I stuck with it because I had an emotional connection to the person that went unreturned. So I took what I could get. At some point, it became more of an issue that neither of us had something going, so it was convenient. It actually went off and on for a few years until either I cut it off or we mutually did (can’t remember now!) For me, I think I needed the physical touch and affection that was there when we were together and I didn’t have someone else to go to for it. Sure, a great vibrator can replace mediocre sex, but a simple touch was what I was in it for. But I wasn’t the best at it and didn’t follow the FWB rules. I got attached and at times made more out of it than it was.
I always thought of it as the safety hook up. You’re out with a group of friends, everyone’s having a few drinks, feeling the buzz, getting flirty, getting horny, and there’s that one guy/girl that you hook up with in those situations so you don’t have a one night stand with a random stranger. And it’s not really safer so much in the medical sense (don’t treat your FWB any different than you would the random hook up protection-wise), but it’s safer emotionally. The awkwardness isn’t there cause you’re already friends, and things aren’t going to be weird the next morning. Mediocre sex though??? Please, those people need a new FWB, that’s the best part, it’s sex without the relationship pressure. It’s just FUN.
I get the FWB and think that at least for a while the sex could be great, but a few years ago I realized that I want sex to be a bigger deal than that. I want it have more passion, significance, and be more cherished–the way I believe it was originally created to be. In my generation sex has become so lame. We simultaneously oversexed and undersexed, meaning we talk about sex all the time but we’re missing out on the soaring incredible way it could be if we treated it as something more than another consumer transaction. i could write pages and pages about this….but I won’t:)
I don’t really get it. I don’t think I could have sex with someone and not get attached.
Then again, I have never had a one night stand. Not even close… I’ve had sex with 1 person. And we’re now engaged.
So my opinions on these matters don’t really count!
Everyone wants intimacy…the sex part isn’t really the most important aspect…whether or not it was “good” or “mediore” sex…people just want to have that closeness with someone, no matter if there’s a romance, a friendship, or even just a total stranger.
I’ve only had sex in relationships. I’m the world’s prudiest gay person.
In thoery FWB is wonderful in theory but true intamacy and emotoin can only be found (with me) in a long term relationship. Tried it in my youth and it just isn’t conducsive to a healthy life..
I am very familiar with this territory and have been lucky enough to have a couple that fall into the GREAT category. Though sometimes…a girl just needs whatever’s on tap.
Yeah…I can’t really do the whole FWB thing either..It’s just not in me. When I am with someone, I am fully with them. I have had my share especially recently, of random things..but with each of them I have hoped it would turn into more.
I can’t say I’ve ever partaken (is that a word) in the FWB situation, I like you I suppose, am just not wired that way. And as far as mediocre being better than none, I disagree. I’d radther dry up like a well, that settle for mediocrisy.
I loved annmanners comment.
It makes sense that the FWB sex would not be as good. It’s because the bond (feeling of love for someone) is missing.
*cough* not that I would know from personal experience or anything. *cough*
=)
I have to say that, well, I’ve been in a FWB situation and the sex was absolutely amazing. And I didn’t want to date this friend because I was afraid of wrecking our incredible friendship. The other part of not wanting to get involved with him was that we got along so well and he understood me that well it scared the crap out of me. But, after well over a year of the FWB thing, we are now together and well on our way to a life together. It’s weird how things have a way of working themselves out in due time.
I think it is a lot harder than most people assume that it is, and the majority of these people are probably not emotionally ready to really do this. Which means it will end badly…
But in the meantime, they are getting laid…so I guess its a tossup.
If you can honestly and truly do it with no emotion or feelings attached, then yes, mediocre sex is better than no sex at all. But I’m pretty sure that women can’t have sex without some sort feelings being attached to it. That is just what I think of the female psyche. Once feelings get involved someone is going to get their feelings hurt.
Ooooh, that’s a tough one. I’m like you … never was able to do the casual sex thing. Not that I cared when others did … it just wasn’t for me.
I’m 110% with you.
I’ve tried it before, just to have tried it, and my lord did it not agree with me. I’m just not wired that way.
I think there is a massive amount of stock in the media put in downplaying that sex is a big deal, it’s presented as something that we should all be having, all the time, with anyone we can grab at. If someone’s interested you should immediately move in!
I’m sorry, but there just aren’t enough quality guys out there to make doing that attractive – and even if there were, I would rather only let someone in if they’re interested in me beyond being someone they can take or leave.
I’m not into the whole FWB gig. I’ve never done it and don’t think I ever will. It just doesn’t make me feel good about me. I mean, I like sex and I’m fortunate that I am in a great relationship and able to have it often. But honestly, I’d rather have a vibrator than a FWB.
I chew ice too. Even though I don’t think it has anything to do with sex. I chewed it when I had never had it and I chew it now. I think it’s just a habit? (For me at least!)
I’m with brookem. If you go there with a friend, it has better be for damn good sex!
The only way i’d enjoy the friends with benefits thing would be if i liked the guy. Sex isn’t the priority for me, therefore the whole premise of “friends with benefits” is not appealing to me. Because if I have to like a guy enough to sleep with him in the first place, then I’m already emotionally attached.
Sadly, I learned that the hard way.
I’ve never had friends with benefits.
I’ve done the walk of shame.
But the best sex I’ve ever had in my life is RIGHT NOW, married, in my thirties, with my snipped husband of 13 years.
I’ve had FWB’s in the past and they all fizzled out pretty quickly either ending completely or just turning into Friends – without the sex benefits. I think the people who hold on to FWB’s have an “any port in a storm” mentality. I feel that eventually feelings get in the way and it will lead to a mess. Sow your wild oats when you’re young and then find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You’ll find that your friends have other benefits (besides sex) which are actually better…
ammanners you are right about that one, great comparison!
I don’t have the gene either…that or I have tried it therfore I think I don’t have the gene??/ hmmm?
I do know that it is nice to have all types of friends though!
-hs
I think that it’s only worth doing if it really is great sex. I mean, yeah any sex is nice, but why go through it all if it isn’t great. An ex of mine and I still occasionally sleep together when neither of us is dating anyone, and it is really great sex. But it’s also more of a booty call since we aren’t really friends with each other or hang out together pretty much ever. Just the occasional phone call late at night, always from him because I’m way too fabulous to be calling him! But yeah, if it’s not great… why bother?
Ack- I can’t read all of the comments…
I have done this, and I’ve had phenomenal sex from it.
Now that being said? I think that 95% of the time, one of the parties either wants more to begin with, or eventually wants more. I think it’s rare that this all turns out OK.
But there are exceptions- I MADE my situation turn out OK, but there’s no getting around the fact that I would have dated him if he’d asked…
Been there, done that &ver it. Sure it’s nice to have a friend that you can also have the sexual benefit with but in all the times I’ve witnessed or been a part of it always ends up w/ one person falling for the other & getting hurt. I tried this w/ a friend my freshman year & ended up falling for him. He didn’t fall for me. It sucked. I ended the benefits part & continued being his friend & then he fell for me. Too bad for him it was too little too late & I had moved on. It always complicates things in my book. Oh and in my situations the sex was always just mediocre. Not bad, not great, but still better than nothing.
Oh, I recently had a *friend* like that. He bought me a meatloaf dinner and then gave me the ride of my life. I almost want to go back to being single, just so we can go for another spin.
I’d always poo-pooed the idea myself, but there really was something liberating about not worrying about whether or not the person was going to call you the next day, and just enjoying it for what it was: sex (and really good meatloaf).
OH MAN. FWB is the story of my last year and some odd months.
FWB’s are what you get when you are not emotionally ready to date someone, but still want intimacy and consistency. They’re what you get when you don’t want to sleep alone, but don’t want to open your heart.
FWB’s got me over a shitty horrible breakup because I got to deal with my feelings for the old boy, but not be lonely with the help of the new boy. And since it was discussed early early on, we knew there was no hope of us ever dating, and therefore there was no deep emotional attachment.
We were friends, we got along, we talked about stuff, but we never had any desire to go out and do stuff together. It gave me a consistent outlet to feel pretty and wanted (in one sense) while getting my own feelings together again.
It starts out great, always ends a GIGANTOR EFFING MESS. No such thing as a clean break from a FWB sitch, in my experience… unless you both decide actually, you are madly in love and maybe you DO like each other enough to date. Which never happens. Ever.
For a month or two I had a FWB, and the sex was PHENOMENAL. The reason we didn’t date was because he didn’t want a relationship (he is 21–OHSHIT I accidentally just typed 12. If I hadn’t caught that, I would have had a lot of explaining to do). I haven’t been with him in a few months, though. It’s surprising how going to rehab (him) will cause one to quit drinking, therefore decreasing one’s desire to booty text/call.
I’m definitely sharing your genes on this one- I just find it too upsetting to be that close to someone physically but not have it progress into a real love situation. My emotions seem to be too closely tied to physical intimacy.
I have a hard time believing the same people can keep hooking up and not get the least bit of feelings towards one another. Jealousy? What if that guy doesn’t want to hook up with you anymore but now he wants to hook up with your friend, than lets see how these friends with benefits react. I hooked up with a guy that saw it this way many years ago, it was a turn off because I was attracted to him sexually too and after awhile lost interest in there being any feelings towards him because it was just a hook up and felt that way too, it felt degrading so I never got myself involved in “friends with benefits” again. I think some people get tired of dealing with the relationship drama so they take the easy route that doesn’t involve being emotionally attached yet at the same time get their needs met. Which by the way, when I stopped communicating with that guy, he kept chasing me for months and went on about how he wanted to be in a relationship, sent me flowers and all that drama. I had already lost interest though.
I’ve never been good at this, either. I tried it… once. And I got sucked into the quagmire of “Are we dating or not???” I am too crazy to have an FWB.
Plus, I worry too much about all the baggage that goes with sex. My sometime FWB-that-was/n’t is luckily still a friend, but it still pains me sometimes to remember that he’s seen me naked. Ugh.
i had a ‘friends with benefits’ once and it was fun. fun sums it up the best. and it was more of a “why not?”, i guess i could easily detach too which was good, but i don’t think if i was single and not in college that i would do it again, but that’s just me.
yeah, i’m with you. one night stands – yes. short term but exclusive dating – yes. friends with benefits? nope, can’t see the point.
FWB…nah! I’d get too attached and I love the comment someone made about “a girl just taking what’s on tap” I’d love to have that type of mindset but not wired that way either…
I think you nailed my thoughts on this topic in your post. Perhaps there’s a barrier in the Benefits scenario, meaning there’s alcohol or a third wheel. Something to bring the two parties together where they then get together for okay sex.
One night stands might differ because there’s a chance you may never see them again. Once you’ve established the potential for meeting often, the heightened feelings weaken. At least that’s my take.
I don’t see how FWB is even possible. Doesn’t straying over that line guarantee that your friendship has a big fat expiration date on it? What about when you or he meet someone they want to date AND have mind blowing (or at least mediocre) sex with? Do you go back to being friends without benefits? Isn’t there bound to be some tension over that?
Mediocre sex IS probably better than no sex though, as long as it’s not full-on bad sex, that’s just depressing x
I’ve had a FWB for the past year. I rarely write about him, and we only hook up about once every few months. It’s always good. Like mind blowing. But the thing is that I always want more. Not more in the bed, but more emotionally. I try to not, but it never works. To top it off, it’s hard to move on with anyone else, because you can’t help but think of that friend.
If you get along on a friend level and have a physical connection, why not date??
PS- Never compare Spencer to sex again. EVER!
Can’t do it, at all. I am just not built this way.
Long tangent coming.
The one time I tried FWB I was a miserable, brokenhearted wreck 24/7… it turned out well in the end because it was my ex bf (we’d broken up 3 months before because 4 months in he said he felt way too much for only 4 months in and it made him feel like he wasn’t ready for a relationship at that point in his life)… well one drunk night at the bar around the holidays and the “just friends” scenario was born. I think the only reason I survived it is because at no point did either of us ever date or hook up with anyone else, AND from day one I was positive we’d end up back together (on my happy days anyway). We saw each other constantly, his friends all continued to call me his gf, it was pretty much a relationship, he just didn’t have the b*lls to admit it. In the end he came to his senses and when he did decide he was ready? He committed 200% and moved me in. And has been looking at rings with me lately.
But seriously, I was a crazy mess during that FWB time. Definitely not something I reccommend.
Friends with benefits is a horrible idea. It ruins friendships and makes things awkward. I think sex is always better when love is involved, but that’s just me.
For whatever reason I keep thinking of the sex and the city episode where they wonder “what came first, the chicken or the sex? reading this post. haha!
I think friends with benefits is a bad idea. Every friend I have ever had that turned into anything remotely beneficial and/or boyfriendey has gone sour and I think it’s better to just keep church and state as separate as possible.
BUT like you, I’ve made my share of bad decisions. But maybe looking back, we know better – 20/20 hindsight!
Yes, it is totally possible to have amazing sex with a FWB–a couple of years ago I used to do that with an ex, and it was always fantastic.
That being said, sometimes sex with someone you’re actually *dating* is also mediocre. Not everyone that is compatible in life is compatible in bed, and vice versa… so I guess it all depends.
But as someone who’s been in a dry spell for, oh, a few YEARS now… I wouldn’t mind having a FWB around to keep my battery purchases to a minimum.
Honestly? I used to think I had that gene. But the older I’ve gotten, and the more I’ve been rejected on the whole “relationship” thing, I think I’m starting not to care. Mediocre is better than nothing, right?
The friends with benefits concept always eluded me too.
My take, based on more experience than I ever wanted, is that ex-sex has the potential to be a real mine field. If you just want more of the great sex (and it really MUST be guaranteed earth shattering, mind boggling, spirit shifting sex for BOTH of you) and there is absolutely no expectation for what should happen when it’s all over but the cleanup, then go for it. If the sex is hardly memorable to begin with, don’t waste your time and energy on a potential powder keg. If you’re confused about what you want, but need to feel intimate with somebody, call your Mom and consider therapy.
Yeah, that’s what I think.
KJ
http://www.nanadiaries.com
I know I’m ridiculously late in responding to this, but I don’t really get the whole friends with benefits thing, either.
While I made a few mistakes in college, I don’t think I could ever do a friends with benefits thing simply because I would get attached. That’s the way I am. *shrugs* I’d much rather have a relationship and the added benefit of sex than one based on y’alls sex drives.
I’m even later than Ms Handwriting… But I’ll give you my take on it.
There’s a difference between having sex and making love. Some people equate sex with love and there’s nothing wrong with that… My dearest friend is that way. She can’t have sex with a guy unless it MEANS something. That’s ok. It’s not a gender thing, it just… is.
Personally I see sex as both… it can be an incredibly moving emotional experience… or it can be just two people having wild monkey sex for pure physical pleasure. Sometimes it’s both at the same time.
It is whatever it is to you. And that’s ok.
I’ve been married to the same man for 28 years and i have 2 additional friends with benefits. I adore all of them. Hub knows about one and is ok with it (we’re not really that conventional when it comes to sex). I love my husband but the idea of one person satisfying all my needs and desires is just crazy to me – and to him. I hardly ever have a ‘physical relationship’ with my friends anymore but I still talk with them all the time, and we all attend a lot of the same social functions. We all have families and spouses and are in committed long term relationships but sometimes it is a wonderful feeling to just be with someone ‘extra special’ for a few hours. Of course we never expect any one to break up their families or anything crazy like that. It’s just a thing the 3 of us have gotten very comfortable with over the years and I love it.
[...] also reminded me of one of my absolute favourite quotes of the year which was in response to “Explain to Me: The Benefits of Friends with Benefits“: Brandy, yes, some sex is better than no sex. Its like pizza – even shitty pizza is good!- [...]
interesting topic. I couldn’t do this, I am married but if i were single I KNOW I wouldn’t be able to separate feelings from being physical. I lack the gene too.
Isnt there someone special you enjoy spending time with that you would never want to be married to? I love the special relationship I have with my friends w/benefits, but I know for a fact I could never live long term with either of them.
i’m extremely late to this conversation here but i followed a link from your blog about meg ryan earlier today.
i had a friends with benefits situation once and your post reminded me of both that situation and an email i wrote to the lucky lady when in the aftermath of a bit of a sticky situation. lots of gray areas with the friends with benefits situations.
“first, i apologize for making out with suzanne. that was kind of
fucked up. i was very drunk, as i’m sure you know. thinking back on
it, i think it was definitely partially b/c i was a little pissed at
you. it did kind of hurt my feelings that you didnt invite me to your
party when you were inviting jimmishea and everyone else (include
fucking craig) and i you kind of disappeared once leah and devyn came. maybe not, but that was sort of my take on it. not to but not to
burst your bubble, i dont think it was totally to piss you off. i was
very drunk and there was a hot girl that wanted to make out. that
usually equals making out. but i shouldn’t have done it and i’m sorry
about that.
secondly, i def shoudnt have said anything about getting or, i guessi
should say, not getting you a valentines day present. jessica did
suggest it and i thought about doing it but it just sounded a bit much
like a girlfriend/boyfriend type thing, which serves as a nice segue
into issue number, the real one here, the state of us.
my memory is hazy but i do remember saying i was crazy about you and whatever other shit that i was saying. that’s sort of misrepresenting my feelings. this is how i feel (i’m about to improperly use a colon): we’ve been good friends for a while now and i guess you could say i’m crazy about you as a friend, not that anyone would ever use that to describe a friend so i guess you couldnt say that but i did.
i thnk you’re cool, fun, bla bla bla. i consider you a very good
friend and i guess my concern about us hooking up was that things
could get weird which i feel like they sort of have a little, so let’s
nip this problem in the bud. in the more than just friends
department, i’ve enjoyed the couple of times that things have
happened. i am attracted to you on a mental and physical level but
i’m not like head over heals in love or anything like that. i’m more
than happy to keep the status quo. i wouldnt mind going out or just
hanging out sometimes. i guess i’m saying friends with benefits or a
little more. i’m not trying to exclusively date. any profession of
love or strong feelings last night was greatly exaggerated by alcohol.
that said, it has been fun and nice and i would like to continue in
the same gear that we’ve been in. i definitely intend to date, and i
have, and you obviously are as well and that really doesnt bother me
at all. in fact, i’m totally fine if you want to talk about all that
with me – it really doesnt bother me. i suspect your feelings pretty
much mirror mine.
so basically, there’s not need to get all dramatic here. you’re a
good friend but i also like kissing you.”
how romantic.
incidentally, i don’t think that colon was improperly used in retrospect. i’m no grammarian, however.