Still outshaking Shakira September 4, 2008
Posted by brandy in Me & the Bard, and now you might know everything, famous people make for good gossip, i am slowly going crazy, i like scotch & table dancing, i love fragment sentences, it makes sense to me, it was a dance dance revolution, politics, the title says it all, this is where I grew up, this might be why I'm single, travel, what i found when i went looking.trackback
I found this in an email account I was cleaning up (because email account cleaning can turn into a whole day project when you are unemployed), and was both delighted and horrified to see how accurately this still was, SIX YEARS after I originally wrote it- except the mono part. I kicked mono’s ass- all while backpacking Europe because I’m part superhero.
Dear Everyone…
So sorry for the mass email, I am just so busy that I can’t write to you each all individually, I am sure you understand. Considering the fact that I have no serious job, no real boyfriend, and am not going to school, my days are quite filled with exciting ground-breaking activities, new found life-altering hobbies, and amazing feats of heroics. So far I have memorized all of Shakespeare’s sonnets, have learned how to bake 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes and discovered a sure fire cure for the hiccups/hangovers/hangnails. I have learned Latin, Chinese, Klingon, and a rarely spoken form of pig Latin mostly used in West African tribes. I now know how to waltz, cha-cha, rumba, and how to fashion an explosive using only 3 toothpicks, a stick of gum and pocket lint. I have been to a P.Diddy party, have sang in Grease and have been in love in Paris.
I have channeled my spidey senses and can now scale buildings with ease, am able to play the spoons using only my feet and could effortlessly beat Rinaldo in a game of soccer.I translated War and Peace, Anna Karenina and the Bible before lunch and am just putting the finishing touches on my novel that will hit the New York Times list at #1. I built enough homes to shelter all the homeless, have trained to become a WWE wrestler, and have lent money to Donald Trump. I have discovered the true meaning of life, now know if there really are aliens out there, established how Kennedy really died, and through much research learned why some guys don’t call back. I have sponsered a child, adopted a panda, and bought a star. I have talked philosophy with great minds, and shared small talk with strangers. I have learned how to play the saxophone, the piano, boys, and Playstation 2. I can re-create the Empire State building using playing cards, and am easily able to justify against anything that George Bush is for.
I have won an Oscar, a Grammy, a Tony, a Purple Heart, the Nobel Prize, the Booker,and an Olympic gold medal. I have out baked Martha Stewart, and out shook Shakira. So, next time we talk, and I seem a little tired, know that it isn’t the mono. I have just been really busy.
Love, Brandy
If you could tell people you are busy successfully accomplishing ANYTHING, what would you say?
Oooh good question. Let’s see . . . apart from the obvious (outselling Jackie Collins) I’d like to have beat Nadal in a tennis match – and then went on a date with him!
I’ve spent the day trying to figure out how to put lipstick on a pitbull.
that is too funny. I love it when I find stuff like that, from the past. I always blush though, not sure why?? haha
Hahah. This makes me laugh, because it sounds like that one thing I saw that was quite similar. You know, with equally impressive things. Can I be anymore cryptic? Hm, what would I do? I’d say that I’d learned how to fly. Because we all know we’d want to
And found the cure for the itch. Oh, and learned to play the hammer dulcimer.
Paula- I respect this goal. Nadal is hot.
Dingo- This one made me laugh out loud.
LPB- I know what you mean. Sometimes being confronted with who you are, or who you were is a bit overwhelming.
poodlegoose- I love the idea of finding a cure for the itch. That should have been on the list. Damn!
Producing a global event. Hmm…
become a world reknowned harpsichordist.
Hahaha the first thing I thought was “man, this puts brookem’s bucket list to shame.”
I think I would like to convince people I’ve been building a giant ice maker that manufactures glaciers and can slow global warming.
this makes me long to be your real life friend
hah, i totally adore this.
mine would be something like:
“Sorry for the mass email. I’m just totally busy lately, you know, creating world peace. Currently in Iraq handing out Rockbands. Figured it’d help, with the whole “I’d rather be playing Rockband” craze! Also creating new jobs for the future as we will have many troops-turned-bands on our hands soon, which may need more radio stations to broadcast their music.
Love you all,
Well-Intentioned Heartbreaker”
I ate a whole jar of pickles and then rode the world’s sickest rollercoaster. And I DIDN’T puke.
Great email! I would tell them that I have successfully built an igloo. In July. Or learned to play the spoons using forks.
I was able to successfully find all uncounted /hanging chad votes and the past 8 years will be nullified and we will pretend they never happened while all learning to rhumba with Rickie Lee Jones.
Two words: President Obama.
All me.
That’s awesome! Obviously the people you sent this message to must have a good sense of humor
If I said anything more than I was sitting on a boat somewhere no one would believe me or get into my sarcasm. But I might add that I was finding the end of Pi just to get ‘em riled up.
If I could just get complete balance between work, the gym, blogging, reading, catching up on movies, hiking, relaxing, and all the other things I’d like to get done in an average week, I’d be in great shape!
Bah, it’ll never happen…
Everything that comes to mind is really serious….like matching every orphan in the world with a family. That’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I’d love to see more and more families adopt so that every child would have a stable and loving home.
Hilarious email! You’ve been an excellent writer for years.
p.diddy white party? that’s when i’ll know i’m a big deal. haha
Out shoe shopped Carrie Bradshaw? Sounds like a good time to me!
This is slightly off topic…but shouldn’t your response to Dingo have been… Why?!…just sayin’…
You are amazing.
Me? I got Justin Timberlake to fall in love with me, found a restaurant that will give me free sushi and wine for life, and graduated with a Ph.D. without a wrinkle forming on my face.
LCT- Nice idea. Can the global event include a shoe donation to me?
dmb5_libra- Nice. I want to learn how to play the bagpipes, we should start a band.
Mel- And Al Gore will fall in love with you.
Jen R- Aww sweet! You say this now, but part of the reason I started blogging was a way to write without annoying everyone all the time. (I tended to MASS EMAIL all my friends ALL THE TIME).
WIH- I LOVE this one!!
Amanda- I don’t think I could eat a jar of pickles ALONE without puking, let alone riding the rollercoaster.
Erica- igloo in July. I swear, in July I would have begged you to try. It was HOT this year.
evans- Ahhh the chad vote. I was expecting you to make a Speidi reference…
Elisabeth- Ohhh damn! This is an excellent one!
Exschutz- Ha! I don’t know if they ALL did, but they got these emails on a regular basis so I think at the very least they were used to them.
justrun- the end of pi… you are a genius!
geekhiker- I need that too.
Ally- Oh dang. Now I feel so… shallow. I didn’t reference orphans once. Thank goodness you are here to remind me to think of something (someone?) other than myself sometimes!!
emrlds- If you go, can I come too?
Stephanie- Ohh! I like this one too. Sigh. I want new shoes.
Thistle- I didn’t because I assumed she was referencing the Palin speech.
Ashley- Ohhh anything involving Justin Timberlake is a good one with me!
Out walking across the country, Forrest Gump-style. That’s seriously one of my dreams. I even want to couch surf along the way.
ahh..got it…sorry..not been following the RNC for reasons we won’t discuss cos we don’t want to upset Jim…
I love Dingo’s response. Damn that Palin.
I’d say “parenting” to answer your question about being busy.
that is one hell of an e-mail!
That I finally graduated college. I’m rich from writing 3 novels, it was the second coming of JK Rowling. Tim Gunn is my personal shopper and I always “make it work”. I brought the troops home just by blogging. Banned the words “hockey mom” and “maverick” from everyone’s vocabulary. I also figured out how to make good hair days happen EVERY DAY.
I was surprised you accomplished figuring out how Kennedy died but didn’t feel the need to answer the question: Was the moon walk staged?
Know something we don’t?
LOL that’s great. I would probably pronounce myself the Flip Cup champion of the world and become a serious fashion designer. Yeah, I could pull that off, right?
ha, i love this email. im thinking if this was present time, i would have found this in my inbox- i love some of the mass ones i get. and then oops, reply-all and i get myself a boyf from canada (how is my man btw? send him my best!).
id want to tell people that i’d successfully perfected the art of… finding out about all shoe sales a day ahead of time. busy becomming an RN. preoccupied spending my days on a breezy island with a gerard butler look-a-like.
My artwork suddenly began outselling Picasso and with my income I bought a huge mansion w/ a huge pool and a hot pool boy, climbed Mt. Everest, won Project Runway, biked cross country and got Matthew McCaughney to be my love toy.
Now that would be nice…
I LOVE this! I must say, my letter would be stunningly similar. What woudl I add? Hm. I memorized and performed all lyrics to “We didn’t start the Fire.” Also, I rode on an elephants. Twice.
im sorry but i just read your comment about the dancing fingers across the table to get to your boobs, and i couldn’t hold it together.
i dont want to hear your story!!!
im going to keep communicating solely by our comment boxes (ttws?).
“boob man”- reminds me of the “ass man” sienfeld episode.
dude. has it been six years since diddy stopped being puff daddy?
i know. and seriously, how do you get out of a situation like that, easily?
he was good looking too. what a waste.
You are hilarious. Lets see… i’d most like to say i’m busy being famous for no reason. Kind of like Paris.
How can you ask us this question? You took all the good ones!
haha you are awesome, i love this. i should have sent a letter like this to my friends. and if i was to say anything i would say that i became best friends with keanu reeves and he’s taking me to the oscar’s next year and i got a sweet raise and a wii, because i really want one. like stat.
You ARE part super hero! I almost died when I got a moderate fever abroad, and I wasn’t even traveling! I would say that I had just finished my first novel and that boy, was it tiring work.
P.S. As soon as I finished reading your post, Shakira came on the radio. How fantastical is that?