Things I plan on not saying (Or, one more reason David makes me sweat) August 19, 2008
Posted by brandy in AHHHHHHHHHHH!, Annie Lebowitz is so jealous, and now you might know everything, brookem is awesome!, confession of the day, i can't believe i said that, i know- we all LOVE him, i like scotch & table dancing, i post dated this mofo!, i wish i was water, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it's a long one (twss), lists, love or something like it, men, oh look! i have opinions., politics, school, teaching, the world according to me, top 10, wasting time, when i say it anyway, you're skimming this one.trackback
So first of all, thank you for all your well-wishes and crossed fingers/toes/internal organs regarding the job situation. It feels so nice to know that people all over the world (mostly the Mid-West US, but with a smattering of dedicated Russian subscribers who I suspect read solely for vodka references) are rooting for me. I will let you know how it goes. In fact, you will know if I get the job because I will probably write up some subtle post titled ” OMIGOD I GOT THE JOB WHHHHHHEEEEEEE!”, and if I don’t get the job, you won’t hear from me until next week when I awake from my self medicated depression reducing tequila haze.
The one thing that’s never really bothered me about the job search is the interview process. I get nervous thinking about what to wear (what looks like I’m trying to hard? And what’s wrong with trying hard anyway? I mean, isn’t that a good message to send to a possible boss? I’m working hard here, even in the shoes department because I want this job so badly?) but as to what to say? Not so much. This is mostly because I’ve inherited my mom’s gene that allows me to talk confidently at length on any subject. Especially those I know nothing about.
Although tomorrow, the topic will be one that I know something about- Me. Specifically, what makes me the person for the job. This is where I run into a bit of a problem. I might have a self esteem issue- meaning… I think sometimes my self esteem might be too high. As in- I worry that when asked
“Why are you the right person for this job?”
I may reply, ” I’m the only person who is really capable for this job. I mean, look at my resume, it’s outstanding and perfectly tailored for this. If you pick someone else, it will be a big mistake. Huge.”
This will be followed by an awkward silence where I count paper clips on his desk and wonder if he notices I pulled out some Pretty Woman talk (because quoting a hooker is always a good way to get the job), while he stares at me and ponders how such a big ego can fit into such a short person.
This is where things are tricky- though I’m not nervous to speak in interviews (in fact, I enjoy them because where else do you just get to talk about yourself and your accomplishments for long periods of time?), I worry about those other things that might spill out. The hooker quotes. My love for tequila and afternoon naps. What I want to do with David Duchovony. You see? Dangerous. So I’m going to tell you instead.
Here’s a list of 10 other things I may say during the interview that I’d rather not. (aka. My list of shameful confessions that I’m going to release to the internet similar to those who release a white dove on a wedding day. Except I’m not getting married and these confessions are not birds who probably have better things to do)
1. I read Oprah magazine. Regularly. And I enjoy it. Speaking of, Tea Leoni is in this months issue (p.228 ) and discusses how David came thisclose to finishing his PhD in English literature.
2. The news about David and his love of English literature made me actually swoon out loud. And clutch my heart (which, had momentarily stopped because David= amazing, David+the idea of his educated hands caressing the spine of fine works of literature= cardiac arrest of the best kind). I’m not kidding. I will think of this for the rest of my life and be forever changed.
3. I’ve given this much thought and I believe that the world would be a far happier place (ie. no war/starvation/need for “Intervention” the scary television show) if everyone got laid on regular basis.
4. I watch the Morgan Freeman commercials everyday on Youtube and everyday I cry. (I don’t even have the time to explain what the hell is wrong with this…)
5. Sometimes, I will lick potato chips but not eat them. And then, I throw all the soggy chips into the garbage. I don’t do this because I have a weird food fetish, sometimes I just don’t want the chip.
6. I brush my teeth in the shower.
7. I lose my phone so often it’s embarrassing. Not “oh, that’s cute and you’re so silly!”, but in a “holy shit, let’s velcro it to your body because no one can ever get a hold of you” way that’s not endearing but annoying as hell. (Just ask Brookem)
8. As much as I’m trying to control this, I get really irrationally level 10 annoyed/angry when I hear women who are going to vote for McCain. I can’t even really articulate the anger I feel about it, and I’m sure if I attempted it here, my hate mail would at least double and hate mail is lame enough as it is. For real.
9. I don’t like cats. (And saying this here makes me nervous. Like I’m saying ” I beat children” or “I support the making of high-waisted, tapered, pleated, acid wash jeans”.)
10. I’m just putting this photo up again so I can use the tag I made when I put it up the first time. And because, let’s face it. The picture does it for me in ways I suspect no other image found on the computer can.
I get love drunk off his humps smoldering gaze.
And for the record, the above sentence is definitely #11 on the list of things I plan on not saying.
seriously- that is my #1 hated question people ask at interviews. It’s the sole reason I get super nervous. There was one time though where the interviewer actually made me feel really comfortable. I nailed the interview and got an offer (which I turned down). But you are def not the only one hating that question.
(and thanks for subscribing to my twitter! AP5719)
So, I’m kinda a lurker on your blog, but I love your writing! It’s very witty and entertaining, and I especially loved your post about the girl that wanted a grand gesture. Anyways, I’ve been curious now for a while about why you care so much about American politics if you’re Canadian. My next question is why does it make you angry if women vote for McCain. It’s their choice, and obviously not the one you would make, but it just seems a bit weird that you care that much about the decisions of strangers. That being said, I guess it’s a little weird that I’m even asking this since we’re strangers. Anyways, I hope I haven’t come across as rude because I really don’t mean to be.
Great list of confessions. You never know, if one slips out during an interview you may discover you have a fellow “teeth brusher in the shower” or “phone velcro needer” in the world!
I am just like you – with the ability to be able to think of things to say at length, except worrying about saying too much.
One thing I’ve realized, do not be bothered by silence. I think people like to allow for awkward pauses because they know it makes people nervous and then they start talking and spilling…
Just try to work through the pauses. Good luck!
Well if you steer clear of those subjects and your love for the alcoholic delight, I’m thinking it guarantees you that job
Good luck at your interview! Hopefully that question won’t get asked…I’ll cross my fingers!
Good luck! I would so mention the brushing teeth in the shower- it shows that you are a multi-tasker.
Good Luck! I know that you will do great. Even if you mention David. Everyone has a fetish, right?
I loved this.
PS- I don’t think I could own a cat, I brush my teeth in the shower occasionally, and I’m so with you on McCain and getting laid.
Cheers to your interview…why do I think that you’ll be drinking tequila either way?
ha, i so recognized the line from vivian. of course. and im not annoyed about not being able to reach you. you though, might get annoyed with my singing messages? hm. i love that you referenced fergie in this post (you know i have a “get you love drunk of my humps” tag, yes?).
also, direct me to these morgan freeman commercials? please?
ill forget i read about the cats.
Three things:
I have the same worries when interviewing for a job. I think I’m fabulous, probably too much so. It doesn’t help that I just bought a new suit that looks so good I want to wear it every day, even to bed.
I use that Pretty Woman quote way too much.
I need to start just licking chips.
I hate interviews.
Just once, I want to apply to a job that I’d like to do but don’t necessarily need to get, and be completely honest in the interview.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Shaba: Well, it totally beats my current job and you’ll pay me more money to do less work. And you have a water cooler.
Interviewer: Tell me of a situation where you had to work with a group that didn’t work well together.
Shaba: I am a pro at picking my groups, that has never happened to me. But if it did I’d probably stage a Survivor elimination and make one group member be in charge of getting lunch and stapling things.
Interviewer: What’s your worst trait?
Shaba: I like to sleep in late, I’ll probably be late 4 out of 5 days a week. I have an internet addiction and you may end up paying me to blog. I hate talking on the phone and refuse to call anyone I can email instead. Should I continue?
Interviewer: We’ll call you.
yea. I’d not get the job, but it’d be SO worth it.
have you ever seen the Jay Leno spot where David plays the egg with the Bare Naked Ladies? That’s the moment when I finally understood what women see in him … bloody brilliant
best of luck at your interview – am sure you will knock their socks off!
On #1 about the PhD I was like, “OK, I KNOW she is not going to just leave it at that. She has to expand on that somehow.” And of course you did!
And #3, about getting laid? SO true. On my particularly pleasant days, our intern asks me, “Did you hang out with (name of guy I am dating) last night?”
YES. Yes, I did.
“My love for tequila and afternoon naps. What I want to do with David Duchovony.”
I love tequila! I love naps! I love David!
Wow! I feel so close to you right now.
Emma- I hate it when you aren’t nervous when you go into the interview but people make you nervous! Not cool. As for twitter, of course! It’s so strangely addictive isn’t?
KitKat- Hi lurker! Definitely a good question and I understand why you would ask. I think I (kinda?) answer the reason I care about politics in this post: http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/2008/01/04/iowa-whoop/ . But I’m not sure how clear it is- so I will try and explain. Unlike many other countries (or most in the world if we are being honest), the US directly affects Canada in the most obvious ways. Your economy starts sucking, ours will take a hit. You have trade issues? We (being your biggest trading partner) will have issues. I think to care about my own country is to take an active interest in yours. Also, I just really find it interesting. I’m a dork like that.
As for the John McCain thing, you’re right. It is weird and I probably should have been more clear. I think what bothers me is if it a woman appreciates the freedom given to her by things like Roe. vs. Wade and plans on voting for McCain, because he’s said that’s something that he doesn’t support. Of course, if a person doesn’t support abortion, they will have more in common with McCain than Obama. I also think anyone who supports or cares deeply about the environment or the war would be better off voting for Obama, but those issues are deeper and it would take a lot longer to go into why I think that. And don’t worry about sounding rude, you definitely didn’t. I think sometimes I forget that if I don’t actually articulate what I want to say, no one will have any idea what I’m meaning!
LCT- that’s a good point. And if we bound over losing our phones, I’m guaranteed the job.
sforshner- That’s a great piece of advice, I definitely need to learn this. I’m one of those people who is all ‘fill the silence! dear GOD there’s silence, SAY SOMETHING!’. Maybe I don’t need to do that.
littlespoon- Thanks!!!
Maggie- I’m hoping it doesn’t too. It’s too early to pull out hooker talk but I know I will.
Anne- Thanks for the advice!!
Sara Jane- Tequila if I don’t get the job, if I DO- I won’t have time to drink. Sad, but true.
brookem- i’m sure you’ve seen them- it’s the ones Morgan did for Visa/the Olympics. The one with Derrick Redmond… oh sweet jesus that made me cry.
justrun- Warning- only do the chip licking thing alone. People are far too disgusted to hang out with you when you do it around them. And that pretty woman quote? Legendary.
Shaba- This made me laugh out loud for sure. Definitely some things in here that I can relate to. (I’m the same way with the phone)
Kathryn- I think I’m going to have to google this David/Jay Leo thing!
longredcape- You know me too well!
freckledk- Hooray! I love that we love the same things!!! Although David isn’t really a sharing option (I act like he’s really here or something and I can’t physically let go of him. Wow! I’m such a creepo today), I appreciate that we both love the idea of him. Swoon.
There is a David Duchovny song you definitely need to hear. The youtube video is kind of weird, but the song is the best part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=getG19TQ0go
Good luck on your interview. Also, I don’t like cats with. Not just because I’m allergic, I just don’t like them.
actually, this one is a better quality of the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJHRuzTgPxY&feature=related
have you watched Californication?
Aaaaaand now I’m nervous for my interview tomorrow.
Haha, wow. Good luck keeping all of your secrets inside.
As someone notorious for saying the perfectly wrong thing at the perfectly wrong time, I loved this list! I have no doubt you’ll refrain from saying these things during your interview now that you’ve purged them here.
Re: the nice comments you left on my blog (thanks!), email me your address! And NO, you will NOT pay for shipping, silly!
I’m with you on #8. I get too worked up to even launch a coherent, “are you out of your mind?” response.
As for inappropriate interview responses, if you’d be more comfortable, ask them if they could ask you the questions and you could Twitter the responses back to them. This idea is going to catch on, I just know it! I heard David Duchovny does it. I think I read that in Oprah magazine.
sorry my voicemail got cut off.
im trying to stalk you on yahoo chat right now, but no luck.
I lick Doritos and don’t eat them. HAAAAAAAAaaaa. Never met someone like that before.
re #3: rationalising the sleep over? i approve.
When I was a kid, my dad got mad at me for sucking on peanuts and putting them back in the bag. Sometimes a gal just needs a little salt and texture on her tongue. Wait, that has some dirty connotations…
Sometimes, I lick the frosting off the cookies–but never the salt/seasoning off a chip! That, my dear blogging friend, is a new one! Although, I like it. I think quirks make people interesting!
Does your love for Dave hurt KC’s chances of getting you in the sack? I mean think of how great the world would be if you got some from KC and DD? Swoon is right.
You know I was just thinking about the McCain thing the other day. I find it hard to fathom how someone who has given birth to a child could ever support a war where innocent people are dying on a daily basis. The thought of losing a loved one is immense. For the right cause… perhaps. I don’t believe what’s going on over there is even close to the right cause. Enough said on that subject.
Please print this list and have it handy tomorrow. Most importantly, good luck and kick ass. Oh, during many of my interviews, I get dumbfounded when they ask, “so tell me why you want to work here?”. I sort of look around, think to myself…hmmm, can I blog here? Thankfully I don’t verbalize that thought. Typically I say “because this place looks fun and challenging” which explains why I haven’t had a new job in 7+ years.
Um, the second X Files movie? Made me remember why David Duchovny is one of those guys that has always made me go, “Oh…yes…thank you.”
As an English major, I gotta give David D. some major props for that fun fact you related. Swoon indeed.
It’s probably better to be over confident than meek, in my opinion (coming from someone else who has no problem interviewing but that’s because I like to talk and can fake confidence well).
You’ve seen Return to Me, right? I kinda love that movie. A lot.
Hello, Fellow Blogger. I, too, love David Duchovny. I live in L.A. and went to a wrap party for an upcoming movie called Manure a couple of months ago. Tea Leoni is in the film, and she touched my shoulder.
I wanted to ask her why she didn’t bring David. I didn’t really care that she was there. It was really all about David.
LOL: apparently on #3 my doctor agrees with you! The potato chip thing is a little creepy, but I like you all the more for admitting to the cat thing…
You seriously rock my world. Absolutely rock it. Good luck with the job….no matter what, be proud that you put yourself out there and decided to take the plunge. Sometimes that’s the hardest part, besides things like sweaty palms, stuttering, and blurting out something you didn’t want to say.
But if any of those things happen just shake it off. With every interview you just get better and better! Things will pan out, I am very certain.
And speaking of watching things on Youtube and crying- I cried when Nastia Luiken won the women’s all around in Beijing, and I BAWLED as in tears streaming down my face during her medal ceremony.
…….awkward.
Forgive me for this, but I tend to jump from part to parts in a post and basically your Caps are misleading. I actually thought you had it already. It wouln’t have surprised me.
I too brush my teeth in the shower! You are not alone!
And I’m sure you’ve already been caught up on this one, but have you seen Californication? I’m guessing, what with your intense feelings for “David” (love the first name usage, by the way), that you’re already a big fan. It’s pretty hilarious. I just started watching it.
“cardiac arrest of the best kind” – I love that.
Randomly throwing Pretty woman into daily conversation – you have my respect. Awesome. Please say something like that during the interview just for the great story to tell afterwards. If it’s a guy doing the interview, he won’t notice.
Licking the chips? You do this in public? I’m kidding. I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve licked icing off of cookies though.
If you haven’t had the interview yet, here’s a tip from someone who has coordinated lots of interviews and resumes. Just something to keep in the back of your mind as you answer all the questions – always think of the answer that tells them how you will benefit them. Don’t mention things like – I like the employee discount, I like how I can park close to Starbucks, I shop here during the holidays so I’m looking forward to the great deals I will get – that kind of stuff. It shows what you’re getting out of it and they want to hear more about what you are bringing to their company. The only thing that would be ok to say when referring to what you are gaining from them is maybe how you can learn a lot and grow with the company. You may not have even needed to know that but… just a tip. I hope it helps.
I don’t commit to eating the whole chip either (sometimes, but not always). It has to be less calories right? =)
goodness I’m with you in everything that involve David.
I love your blog. Hope you don’t mind me linking it.