Dear Facebook,

I write to you today with a heavy heart. We used to be so close! Remember that time you introduced me to Scramble and my loved ones had to send out a search party? What fun! I loved that game. You were witty with all your superlatives (three votes for being caught wearing a bunny costume for no reason? Go me!), and I loved that I could play Scrabulous any time I wanted (even with Beth who continues to destroy me).

You let me stalk all those people I went to highschool with- you know the ones you just don’t know well enough to add as a ‘friend’, yet feel it necessary to see pictures of their 27th birthday party*. You let me feel like I attended the weddings of people I hardly knew, just by letting me scroll through their pictures. And I loved that about you. You made my stalking easier and you never judged me for wanting to judge others secretly.

However.

This whole ‘friend suggestion’ application is not necessary. Not only is it not necessary, at times dear Facebook- it’s down right inappropriate. You see, being a single girl of a certain age, it’s natural for me to have…. encountered a certain sum of men. Men who, are usually friends of my friends. Who, for whatever reason, turned out to be less than stellar gentlemen, men who I’ve stopped … encountering.  Men who turned out to be married, unintelligent and/or poor kissers. Which is fine- lessons have been learned, (apparently you have to straight out ask a man “ARE YOU MARRIED- RIGHT NOW?”, and if you don’t do that, all the shame lies with you. But that is another rant for another day), and notes scribbled down in my journal on how to avoid such speedbumps in the future.

But then, you install this new application and suddenly you are a host who keeps unintentionally introducing me to someone I cannot stand. Do you know how tiresome it is to log on to Facebook just to play a harmless game of Scrabulous and stare into the sidebar as you once again suggest I be friends with someone I don’t want to be friends with? Because here’s the thing facebook, if I wanted to be friends with them, I would have added them the first time you suggested it. It’s been months and yet the same name keeps popping up. This is unacceptable.

There are rules here Facebook- there’s protocol to follow! It’s rude to insist I be friends with someone I dislike with the intensity of a supernova. I’d rather take a cheese grater to my eyeball than be his friend. So you see? I’m aware of the fact that we have  7 mutual friends. I’m aware of the fact that he’s in my network. I am also aware that I do not want to be friends with him. So, please- I’m begging you on all that is holy and good (including Scrabulous- the best thing that ever happened to the internet- I’m a 7 letter bingo whore!), shut down the friend suggestion application.

Also, it would be cool if you could stop people from tagging me in photos when both my eyes are closed and/or I look like have had 4 too many martinis.

much love,
brandy

p.s. And if I get one more green patch request, I make go nuclear.

*That might be the creepiest thing I’ve ever typed, but you know you do it too.