Whoomp there it is, I thought you knew July 10, 2008
Posted by brandy in I've fallen into a funk and I can't get up, and now you might know everything, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, don't judge me based on my love for bad music, family, hello universe? I love you, learning, self improvement, seriously, so sappy it hurts, swimming in a sea of self pity, when i say it anyway.trackback
Let me just say, the title of this post has nothing to do with the content. I just have had that song in my head for the last 3 days and felt the urge to share it with the masses.
You are welcome.
Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I’ve been feeling funky lately. Not “so cool, I’m DC Brain Supreme!” funky, but like “what’s the point of showering and do I really have to get out of bed?” funky.
I blame this on a lot of things- not having a teaching job again for the fall (hello broken record? we are playing you again now let’s do the twist!), suddenly getting hit with this guilt that my father and I don’t speak to each other, the fact that I sort of like the Ali Lohan song. (Don’t tell anyone please. I’m not sure I can deal with the shame).
I find that when I start to fall into this mood, I sort of… shut down. I stop talking, I stop writing, I stop answering my phone, returning emails, showering on a regular basis. I’ve read how other people have been dealing with flaky friends and realized that I don’t just hurt myself, I hurt others. So I’ve been making a concentrated effort to make better choices and when I realized I was falling into Bridget Jones post-break up territory (think: not dressing, messy hair and binging on high calorie dairy products) I did what I would never had done in the past- I told someone.
And then, I put down the ice cream carton and thought of what saves me. Not necessarily what I love, or my favourite things- but the things that pull me out of funkytown and shove perspective back into my life. What keeps me out of the bathtub with a bottle of gin listening to “Wonderwall” on repeat.
I’ve discovered that I need to work. Not just for financial reasons, but because not working isn’t a good choice for me. It gives me too much time to think. And when you are already a thinkaholic, an abundance of free time to mull over the tiny details of life is not necessary- or necessarily healthy.
I’ve discovered I’m saved by phone calls- the persistent ones from friends who refuse to let me drown in a sea of my own self pity. Who call when they know I won’t answer and walk the line between stern “answer your damn phone” and kind “answer your damn phone, please“. I’m saved by thoughts of Mini- Walter and how he may forget me- but because of me he knows a things he will never forget. How to read the word “island”, the capital of Canada, how to subtract double digit numbers, what makes a boat float, and a thousand others. And despite my selfish wish that he remember me, I know that him remembering what I taught him is far more important.
I’m saved by the constant confirmation that my father wasn’t always the man I couldn’t talk to. He was- he is the smartest man I know. I’m saved by remembering the dad who burnt his hand making me hot chocolate when I came home from school crying over a silly argument with a silly girl. I’m saved by the fact that although we don’t talk right now, we did- and those conversations are some of the best I’ve ever had. I’m saved by the fact that although he hasn’t changed, he could. I’m saved by the thought that I still believe that he can change… and that I can too.
I’m saved by my brothers spontaneous calls filling me in on his summer that leave me both proud and exhausted. I’m saved by hearing the happiness in his voice. I’m saved by knowing that wanting more doesn’t mean that you don’t like what you have, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at getting what you want- it just means you aren’t there yet. I’m saved by the emails I get from people who realize that kind words are the best gift you can give. I’m saved by the man who let me go in front of him at the grocery store and the car wash attendant who let me wash my car for free.
I’m saved everyday. By gestures and words, actions and thoughts. By memories I will always have and mistakes I’ve learned from and let go of. And knowing this, learning this- makes it easier to pick up the phone, meet friends, answer the email. To shower, dress and untangle myself from the thoughts that I let cloud my head. It’s a million things that save me, when I chose to let them. So I guess in the end, everyday I make a choice. And everyday it’s hard, but I’m working on it. I chose to save myself.
With “Whoomp there it is” playing in the background.
Naturally.
I’ve been feeling like this as well. The smallest kindnesses really do make a difference (even when I refuse to answer my phone or respond to e-mail).
I’ve been feeling like this as well, like it’s time to hibernate from all sources of media and people. It’s okay and you’ll get through it. I am totally a “worker” too. I need to work if even part time so I can interact with people and get out of the house.
It must be in the air or something, because I’ve been feeling that way, too.
Now that summer school has started, I feel less like hibernating, which, I think, definitely speaks to my need for something to do. Because, if not, I’m left alone with my thoughts.
And that, for an extended period of time, is not a good thing, for much the same reason as you mentioned.
Also, I haven’t been to the gym in close to a month, due to my ‘funk,’ and my GOD, do I feel gross. Tomorrow, the treadmill and I have a date.
I know how easy it is to wallow. And then to wallow in the wallowing. It is a huge vortex. I think taking that first step is probably the hardest.
i knows those funks all too well. but knowing that you are in one is the biggest battle. so you are already ahead of the game!
also, please try to work on your relationship with your father. trust me.
sha-ca-la-ca sha-ca-la-ca sha-ca-whomp!
One of the best parts of this blogworld is that just when you feel like you’re so alone, you could drown in the emptiness…you read that someone else is feeling exactly what you are feeling (and saying it for you since you’re too f’ing lazy to update your own damn blog). And then all the commenters too? It’s like a big, funky group hug among those of us for whom today’s shower was a major accomplishment.
Thanks for the reminder that we have the ability to save ourselves.
I guess I’ll go along with everyone above me and say that I am exactly the same way. Up until recently, I was acting very similarly. I don’t know why, but I find it hard to wake up before 9am and I still feel like a nap around 3. And then I don’t do anything all day.
Let’s hope this passes soon, or I’ll never get anything done
*nods* Amen, sistah.
Maybe it’s just passing it’s way around.
Maybe, the 1930’s are referred to as the Great Depression for a reason other than economic hardship. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.
I totally do this too. Every so often, about 3 times a year, I just crash and then wollow in my own sympathy, not being able to get out of bed for a few days and then wandering around in a fog for a week. I generally don’t know what works to get myself out of it, but I should start to figure that out!
I know how you feel, about the over-thinking and shutting-down. Exactly how you feel. When I get that way, as I kind-of am now, I usually find I need to hit the trail. Already in my mind I’m planning my hike for this weekend, to head out and be back in the woods, where my thoughts will clear.
That’s what saves me. I hope the things that save you have their effect on you soon, my friend.
Ah that is a post so close to home. Being outside brings perspective back to me
and i was beginning to think that my phonecalls, someecards, and texts might be verging on stalker territory.
i <3 you. and im here. always.
This was a wonderful post. Though no one likes being in the dumps, sometimes it gives us a chance to put our lives in perspective. And clearly you’ve got it.
Ok…well, I feel better! I thought I was the only one!! Hahah…I know exactly what all of you are going through and I think we should find comfort in the fact that we’re not alone in feeling this way from time to time.
With over-thinking, I find that aside from “shutting down” sometimes I develop an OCD to cleaning my house top to bottom and get angry with anyone who interrupts me! ( I know, weird)
I’m not sure about the relationship with your father, but it seems from what you say, that at least you at one point had a good one. My father and I do not get along at all, although we are way too much alike. However, for some reason, as the years pass I find that even though we disagree on many points, we have learned to just accept it and have at least a relationship. Though it be a scarred one, it is one none-the-less, and I’m grateful. I’m sure you’ll get your footing again on this one.
Oh, last thought!! I always like to think that this “funk” we go through is to make our good days even better by comparison. Without “these days”, we probably wouldn’t appreciate the normal, good ones half as much! Good luck!!
Oh I so wish my best friend would read this post. Seriously – she gets in these funks as well. Normally I am persistent and work to get her out of them like your friends are doing with you. Unfortunately, lately I’ve had other things on my mind and I run out of patience. It makes me sad and angry.
Anyway, enough about me. I am glad that you are able to recognize these things and are able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps (I love that saying, yo) and talk to someone about it. That’s huge.
And the last four words of the paragraph about your father? That’s the most important thing. Take it from someone who didn’t talk to her mother for almost 8 years. It’s a two way street and both of you have to make adjustments if you want to fix the current problems. And in the event that he doesn’t change, you may be able to find peace if you have.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with StoryPeople artwork (people either love it or hate it) but your post made me think of this print that gives me comfort whenever I’m in a Mood: http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?storyID=1080&action=product&productCategoryID=1000
ooooookay. just fyi? brace yourself, dear friend, for the singing message that i just left on your vmail. it aint pretty, but i hope it will make you smile.
Awesome post. I hope you keep choosing to save you. Totally worth it!
And let people love you. I know it’s hard sometimes but it helps.
It seems the blues are making the rounds these days. What’s great about the blogiverse is that we’re so supportive of each other. It’s great to think about what saves you and I’m going to have to focus on that myself. Thanks for such an open, thoughtful post.
How can this song not make someone feel good? Happy Friday!!
Wow, thanks for this. I really needed to read something like this post. I was really touched by what you wrote about Mini-W and what he’ll remember from what you taught him. And thanks for getting the best song from the early 90’s stuck in my head. Peerrrrfecto, lol. Getting the summertime blues isn’t easy but it is definitely possible. I’ve been battling it back and forth for awhile. Sometimes you just had to think of what saves you like you did. I should try that sometime.
Geez this song takes me back to the nineties and high school & daisy dukes (why I’m not sure, but for real – that’s not pretty!). There must be something going on in the universe, because I am right there with you. It’s hard to always be the cheery optimistic one. But you are extraordinary, always remember that.
This made me smile and cry at the same time. You’re gonna be A-OK, girl. Me, too.
This post came at exactly the right time…dealing with a nasty break-up, the kind where you find yourself lonley, lost and absolutely shattered, I chose to hide away instead of turning to my friends. They, however, refused to let me do this, and while it’s been shaky rebuilding what we had before, I could not be more thankful that they were unwilling to just let me slide off the face of the earth.
Thanks for sharing, it’s nice to know there are others out there feeling the same. Best thing is, we will be ok in the end. :O)