The Man Project#1: Jake June 5, 2008
Posted by brandy in and now you might know everything, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, don't hate me for this, friends, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, life lesson, love or something like it, men, relationships, secrets, self improvement, seriously, something I won't forget, the george, the man project, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, what i found when i went looking, when i say it anyway, youth.trackback
Last year, Bre had the great idea of using the month of March to write about women who changed her life. I, (being adept at stealing excellent ideas) quickly decided to follow her lead and used the month to reflect on those ladies who changed me, in good and bad. It was an interesting experiment- one that I still think of now. As I wrote of each woman or girl, I found myself digging deeper- learning more about myself than expected. Truly a great experience coming from someone who often writes about new flip flops and favourite lip glosses.
I decided to try it out again this year- this time focusing on the men, in honor of Father’s Day and all who hold the Y chromosome dear to their often hairy chests heart. I won’t write in order of ‘importance’ (how would that even be done anyway?), and not all of these are pretty, but I can honestly say that each one has changed me in some way. And despite the (sometimes) nervousness sadness that comes with writing without hiding behind lines of jokes or George Clooney references (which really are the bread and butter of this blog), I think it’s important to write what you know, what you remember even if it makes you cringe.
And so I begin with Jake.
There’s one song that sums up what I feel when I think of him. It’s not a pretty love ballad, or a sexy rumble of words- it’s this:
I’ve been a bad, bad girl/ I’ve been careless with a delicate man/And it’s a sad, sad world/When a girl would break a boy just because she can. – “Criminal” by Fiona Apple
That’s “bad, bad girl”? Yeah, that’s me. That “delicate man”? That’s Jake. I met him at a time when I was both equally love hungry and man wary. A friend first, who fit the bill of being both funny and kind, he had the distinct ability of making me feel important, intelligent and sexy. So, I did what all young and foolish girls do- I promptly scorned him.
Don’t get me wrong. Jake had a list of qualities that made the idea of a him and I, not workable. I didn’t feel a physical connection, he complained often about his family and I often found myself cringing when he listed off his favourite hobbies. We had very little in common and what we did have in common (a mutual love for me), wasn’t enough for a relationship. But instead of being wise and gentle- I was naive and cold. Brushing him off with comments like “you don’t really like me, you just think you do” (if anyone can tell me what the hell that means, I would appreciate it), or ” you’ll meet someone better”. Neither of which helped. In fact, such comments just fueled the fire.
Eventually the fire burned out- partly due to my cold rebuttals and partly because a man can only take so much girl drama before they would rather cut ties than hang around hoping you throw them a bone. And then, (of course) I did what all crazed girls have done before me- I lured him back in. I missed being friends with him, I missed the jokes, the laughter, the conversations about converse sneakers, world peace and bands I’d never heard of. We made jokes, we laughed and we fell into the same pattern- he loved me, I loved him not. We got close, I comforted him with ‘maybes‘ and ‘one day’s…’ I false-hoped him into happiness. Then, when he got too close, I pushed him away by ignoring his calls, not responding to emails and again, we argued. He claimed I was using him. I claimed I just needed time.
I lied. Partly. I just needed time to confront myself with the idea that I was the person who would so willingly toy with someone else to boost my own ego. To make me feel what I wasn’t sure I was.
Important. Intelligent. Sexy.
I wasn’t able to make myself feel that, so I looked for it in someone else. And that’s always a dangerous game- a game where there will be casualties who hold broken hearts and wonder why the hell you keep screwing them around.
Today we are friends. Distant friends. Not the intimate ‘talk everyday’ kind that we used to be- the kind that fueled my ego and broke his heart. And it’s for the best. For both of us.
You see? I told you it wasn’t pretty. I just didn’t tell you that it was me who was ugly.
Having been that guy, the guy that was used to boost her ego, I have to say I appreciate your candor here. I’m glad that you learned from it, and I hope that you know that you are “important, intelligent [and] sexy” all on your own, and won’t need to have someone make you feel that way ever again.
Of course, I also learned my lesson. And I’ll never be that guy again.
Sometimes I forget that we women truly do have the power over men. Because it seems like they are usually the ones doing the hurting, I forget we can really do some damage to them as well. I think every relationship serves a purpose in our lives. Unfortunately sometimes someone really gets hurt in the process. But we learn and move on. And hopefully take our lessons to do and be better. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been in a very, very similar situation and I still feel disgusting about it.
That power is a hideous one to have. Sometimes we don’t even realise we have it. Either way it’s something worth being very aware of. Very well written.
I love your raw honesty. I don’t know that this is a power I’ve ever possessed, but I’ve been on the other side of it quite a few times.
I didn’t start blogging/reading blogs until last summer. I had to go back and read about your women. I loved them all. The idea of reflecting about who helped shape your life is killer. I can’t wait to read more.
Thanks for sharing.
I love this. The honesty is beautifully overwhelming. I’ve had a Jake in my life too – and just recently have figured out that my reasons for luring him in and casting him back out are the same as the ones you mentioned here. It was all about me. And it was pretty wrong.
Thank you for sharing this. I think I’ll steal the idea, if’n you don’t mind.
Have a great weekend, Ms. V.!
I think we all have one of those in our lives. Part of growing up I suppose
I love this idea, ps.
Great post idea, Brandy! (did you know that anytime I write or say your name, I sing that Looking Glass song? I know…weird).
Anyway…to the point here. I think what’s important about you writing about Jake is that you recognize the error you made with him. And that you’ve learned from it. I firmly believe that people are in our lives for a reason…some stay a long time and others for a small time and others come and go. But they all have a purpose. Jake’s was probably so you could learn that you don’t need someone else to validate who you are.
Or I’m completely whack and that has nothing to do with anything. Either way, thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend!
Your honesty is inspiring and I think we’ve all had a Jake in our lives at some point or another. And I do think it’s for a reason, for me I was actually dating my Jake and another cute boy (who now happens to be my current husband) at the same time (which is another post all in itself mind you!). I made me realize what a great thing I had with my NH & even though I may have done things a little differently, I don’t think I would change it. I hope your Jake taught you that you are important, intelligent and sexy all on your own with or without a guy.
It’s great that you can be so open and honest about the whole situation!
Great post. (As usual!)
I feel like I was reading one of my own man stories… a few of them actually.
We all learn our lessons though. It’s human to be selfish every now and again, it’s just not nice.
it’s kind of cool to be able to reflect on all that now.
and, also, to be able to claim a friendship still.
i’ve been that girl. the one that wants attention so she can feel better about herself. it happens. it also shapes us.
Oh God, that song. Every time she sings those words, I see his face. Brandy and Meeks – scarring men left and right. In younger days.
Loved the honesty and insight of this post. And I can’t wait to read about the women who shaped your life – I might have to borrow (steal) that idea myself.
It must be a sad but real right of passage, to be the heart breaker, the leader-on (made up word of the day: Check). I never believed the other side didn’t feel good, either… until I did it.
Thank goodness for hindsight, at the very least.
i think in one way or another, we’ve all been there. be it with a guy or with a friend, i think sometimes it’s easy to fall into that kind of… howyousay, comfort zone with someone. where you dont really feel it for them, but you like that they feel it for you, so you go with it, longer than you ever should. it’s nice that you two are able to remain friends now, in a new level.
good idea for a post brandylu.
You’re so brave. I’d be too chicken to write about this on my blog…because I know at least one of my Jakes reads it. I think this sort of terrible behavior is normal for some of us when we’re young. I did it to several boys in college…but then I was on the other side of it in my mid-twenties. Not so fun. But a good lesson, nonetheless.
To copy Carrie… here** you said a mouthful sister.
(**I false-hoped him into happiness)
Wow. Haven’t we all done this to some poor guy? I know I have.
good lord those are good lyrics. I’ve been toying with an idea/a post/a new personal philosophy that examines this idea of girls being dicks.
i find that society/the feminist movement/whatever likes to pretend that we can’t be. i feel they are mistaken, and i thank (you and) Fiona for summing the situation up.
It is odd how quickly we forget how much power we weild over some men. We’ve all had our moments of fishing – casting them off then reeling them back in… I guess it makes us more familiar with when its happening to us,and knowing how much it hurts.
This was painfully honest… and something I’m sure most of us can sympathize with on one level or another. Sometimes it is the biggest ego boost in the world to know that someone wants you that badly.
Rock on for your honesty! it’s like one of Lauren’s friends saying, on camera, I’m only acting this way to get TV time…
But me fears Wolf might think twice about being your boo knowing what that bad bad girl (toot toot ah beep beep) can do! Or not…;-)
I too have been that girl and am not proud of it
that said, I have also been in the reverse position and it does truly suck
why, I wonder, are we at times so callous with other people’s hearts?
I’ve been there.
Grade 6.
There was an annoying, dorky, awkward boy a year younger than me. He would akwardly, dorkily, stupidly, love-struck..edy(?) hound me at every turn.
One day he gave me a picture of a train he drew for me (I want to say it said “I choo choo choose you” on it) and I promptly ripped it up in front of his face and told him I hated him.
I hope I didn’t scar him for life. Karma has had it’s way with me though.
I think we all have done this at one time.
I did it a few times…. :/
Sigh.
It’s always hard to be with someone when you’re not secure in who you are. We’ve all been there and it’s a learning experience everyone goes through. Good and bad.
The brutal truth.
I think I’m the Jake-guy and E is the you-character right now. Backwards, but it happens. I wonder if he’s lying about needing time too. I just don’t know.
This is very recognisable, and I’m feeling bad now about a guy I “broke” in a similar way. It is scary what that insecurity can bring about, thank you for sharing.
SInce I can’t comment on the above post (haven’t seen S & C yet) I’ll comment here. I also appreciate you honesty and sooo relate to the situation you describe. Been there, sadly.
I have an old guy friend like that, too. Exactly like that. Same situation and everything. … Is it sad to assume we’ve all been there in some way or form?
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