Shallow Summer Survival Tips
May 19, 2008
Posted by brandy in advice, beauty can get ugly, holidays, i complain because I care, i like scotch & table dancing, i should be a P.S.A., if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it makes sense to me, just do what i say, oh look! i have opinions., shoes, soapbox, the world according to me, tip of the day.
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I’ve appointed myself an expert on all things summer. Why? Because I feel like appointing myself something and I have a lot of opinions today.
- if I can see your vagina, your shorts are too short. For real.
- Sunscreen- wear it. If I look at you and can’t help but wince in sympathy pains- I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Even the prettiest summer dress, or most fantastic personality can’t distract someone from a lobster burn. Repeat after me, “baby oil is not my friend”.
- Perhaps skip the long sleeved silk shirt. Silk showcases sweat stains the same way Britney showcases neurosis. And even if your are wearing the most amazing outfit, if you have sweat stains the size of footballs under each arm, I’m going to be distracted.
- If you believe in one thing this summer, believe in the magic of patios. And beers. And beers on patios. Nothing will make you happier.
- If flip flops were husbands, I’d been Elizabeth Taylor. I do believe in keeping ones that you love year after year, but if a pair of flip flops cost less than a beer- splurging on a new pair that are new, clean and bright is a good idea.
- Speaking of flip flops, let’s talk feet. Make them presentable. I mean, let’s face facts. For the majority of the world, feet are not the prettiest things. But you can definitely make sure they don’t make other people scream in horror and run away when showing them off in your new flip flops. Scrub, polish, lotion. Perhaps splurge on a pedicure. But for the love of all good things, if I see another person running around in Juicy Couture flip flops with feet so dry you could rub them together and start a fire- I’m not going to be okay. AT ALL.
- Deodorant is no longer optional for the small minority who thinks it is during the fall, winter and spring months. (Also known as people who always find me in crowded public places and stand far too close to me spouting communist views).
I’m putting my soapbox away and heading out to a patio with friends. Because the only thing better than a patio and a beer on a Friday night, is a patio and a beer on a Monday afternoon. Man I love long weekends.
What’s your piece of advice for everyone this summer?
Ah this post cracked me up. Especially tip #1. I feel ya on the flip-flop obsession, too. I have had to do many purges over the years.
My summer tip would be: Don’t forget to put sunscreen on the part in your hair. I’m a blonde and that little stripe has gotten burned more times than I can count. If you’re going sans-hat, you gotta smear some 45 on there.
Drink lots of beer, er I mean water. You know to stay hydrated
Even better than beer on patios is sangria, or anything fruity on patios. Gotta love it!
Hahaha…Great tips - especially #1 and #3.
My suggestion - “Watch what you eat” - and not just so people don’t ask you “Err…are you SURE that bikini is in your size?!”.
Food tends to spoil sooner in the summer - and you could get really sick from eating something that was left out too long.
(I’m speaking from an experience that had me up sick all night and caused me to take 2 sick days off work recently)
Mine ties in with #1…
If you’re not quite sure whether it’s a shirt or a dress… IT’S A SHIRT!!!
(ooh, good one Mel! I’m a brunette and I still manage to burn the hell out of my part at least once per summer)
Oh, I have to agree with all of yours. Also, bikinis? Meant to cover skin. Make sure it does. I don’t want to see EVERYTHING when on the beach.
Argh, i think this is the 2nd time I posted under the wrong name on your blog. I’m sorry. Above post–me. I’m awful at logging out of things.
Speaking of summer pet peeves, I really have a pet peeve: People, your dogs don’t sweat like you do! They cannot run in the heat like you can!! It pisses me off to see a dog near heat stroke as their blockhead owner rollerblades , runs, or bikes down the road.
Oh yeah, and Speedos are nasty enough on the beach, my hairy legged friend, wearing them to run in is just plain jaw-dropping (and NOT in a good way).
i completely agree on the short shorts and vag, except i’d like to add BALLS to that
since i don’t have a patio, my faith is in beer, a ping pong table, and red cups
don’t squeeze into a bikini that gives you muffin top, boob spillage, camel toe, butt crack viewage, or back fat. Please, just buy something your size ok?
i completely agree with your list! esp the short shorts and dry, crusty feet making their appearance known with flipflops. maybe your survival tips could become so popular, they are mandated to be printed at every public establishment.
Tip #1 should definitely apply to shorts AND dresses. have you seen what the skanks are wearing these days??
and the silk shirts? first off, i’m sorry you see these out, i have yet to see one. and doesn’t silk stick to you when you sweat? who would want that?
no advice, i agree with what you’ve said. well, except for the flip-flops… most people have begun to abuse the f-fs. they feel that they’re appropriate for all manners of dress. they’re not. they’re not appropriate for work, or with a little black dress. dressy thong sandals are fine, but flip-flops? i feel like they’re taking society down.
“- if I can see your vagina, your shorts are too short. For real.”
Ha ha ha ha!
Exactly.
My summer piece of advice is- if you leave your dog in your car with the window barely cracked on a summer day I will call the SPCA on your ass in flash. It’s REALLY hot in that car you idiot!
Ha! Oh, exactly true. All of it.
And, if I might add, my one tip is: Summer is not an excuse to wear insufficient clothing to the grocery store.
If you are male and over 30… PLEASE… whatever you do, if you don’t have a buff body, don’t, I REPEAT DON”T walk around town without a shirt. It’s bad enough on the beach, by the pool, at the lake… but really, bulging bellies and white hairy flab in suburbia, is not a good look. Get a shirt guys! I understand these things happen - I just don’t think we should all be subject to it’s vision. Sorry.
Oh, and while I’m at it - fake tans… be very very careful… the streaky Oompah Loompa look really isn’t that great either - it’s up there with the lobster look.
Short shorts are just gross…..I mean really what’s the point? No one wants to see your britney or your cheekees for that matter!
And feet - I think every woman should be required to get at least one pedicure (at the very least) per season.
Oh man, SUNSCREEN. Spf 30 AT LEAST.
ooh i agree on all of this. especially the ones about flip flops and feet in general- oof. i hate feet as a rule, but at the very least, people should pretty them up with a nice pedi. and dudes should not wear flops if they have gnarly feet. period.
my summer piece of advice? hmm. wear a bra with a tank top that warrents it. dont think that just because it’s 95 and humid that you gots a free pass to go sans bra. i can still see your nipples and that my friend, isnt cool.
Hahaha! I love this post
This rule is my favorite: “if I can see your vagina, your shorts are too short. For real.”
And I second brooken’s comment. Bras are your friend. Wear them. Love them.
#1 is my favorite.
I live in Florida, where it’s kind of summer all the time.
I really really really wish men would not wear speedos. Ick! I mean it’s the beach - not swim team. Speedo’s are not attractive on even the hottest guy, and unfortunately most of the men wearing them are old enough to be my grandfather and at least 100 pounds overweight.
Also on the sunscreen thing - (let me get on my soap box since I’ve done three reports on the topic):
1. Use a sunblock 30 or higher. Most people don’t apply sunscreen right in the first place, so an SPF 15 ends up being more like and SPF 8.
2. Use a shotglass full amount, saving at least a tablespoon for your face.
3. A spray sunscreen is best because it gives off a fine continuous mist that coats more evenly.
4. Reapply every 2 to 2.5 hours, more often if you have been swimming or sweating.
5. Don’t forget behind your knees and the tops of your feet - places people miss most often.
Thank you for posting this. It’s so helpful. ITA on the short shorts, ick. But I recommend also a note about getting “too excited” about the weather and dressing in full muffin-top form. Don’t let your self-esteem get too high too early in the season.
Hilarious, and so true
I especially love the vagina/shorts rule.. that happens way too often! Ick..
Very funny! I especially like the first one. And you reminded me I have to buy some new flip flops. Thanks!
Happy Victoria Day to you! I’ve always wanted a patio, but I have to add one thing: a BBQ. Doesn’t have to be huge, but large enough to cook up some good food for the friends who have beer.
And if I ever get my patio and BBQ, you’re cordially invited over.
No one mentioned waxing? If your bikini bottom is barely there, I don’t want to see your hair.
SECRET CLINICAL STRENGTH DEODORANT. Four words have never been more important.
Also, I’m smitten with Dingo and want to be BFFs. SO TRUE.
Totally agree with the short shorts, hell I see girls wear them everyday. Where is their dignity? And you’re right, beer on a patio does make me feel happy. Only thanks to my damn cleanse, the beer will have to wait for two more miserable weeks.
I totally agree with your number one and Froggy’s hint of advice. Gah.
And if you’re 40, you shouldn’t even have to think to yourself, “Hmm. . . should I wear this?” If you even have to ask yourself that question, the immediate answer = no. Always.
i hear that!! esp number 1. ick.
I once got a pedicure next to a woman who had the feet of a Yeti. I just about barfed and yet I wanted to compliment her for trying.
My beef - most people who go to the beach enjoy hearing the sound of the waves. Thus, please refrain from boomboxing the shit out of the area. And if at all possible, keep the tykes muzzled and off my sandless blanket.
White platform flip flops are a NO NO.
Haha, good tips.
I especially agree with your number one tip.
everyone needs to get a pedicure. toes can be GROSS and i don’t want to look at them unless they are all shiny and polished. ha
my summer tip?
just because it is warm out and they make a shirt that is oh so short doesn’t mean that one needs to wear it with a tube top.
Fantastic post :). I love the “If Flip Flops were husbands I’d be Elizabeth Taylor”. Pure genius!!
Great advice and perfect for a good summer! The deodorant is definitely a must and a pedicure is a requirement. Thanks for the advice! It’s great!
You had me spewing at the first comment!
i nearly spit out my water after reading the first statement. SO FREAKING TRUE.
I’ll take a patio and a beer and a barbeque of very fattening things while wearing a sundress and favorite flip-flops with pretty feet and sunscreen. And BUG SPRAY!!!
definitely agree about the vagina bit.. CUZ EW.
“the only thing better than a patio and a beer on a Friday night, is a patio and a beer on a Monday afternoon.”
Wow… so true. Daytime drinkin’ is the best drinkin’
I am a big fan of MaiTais on the pier on a Sunday around noon. Wow, nothing better. Come to San Clemente and I’ll show you.
In my opinion, you have fabulous opinions and you shouldn’t put the soapbox too far out of reach. Its needed. Happy summer Brandylicious!
My feet are not pretty. I’ve had the same pair of Addidas flip flops since 1992. I love the suckers. Do you like Crocs?
My advice for everyone this summer, wear flourescent hats.
With so many cheap flip flops, men (especially) should wear cute ones instead of what we call “Jesus sandals” a.k.a. strappy brown contraptions that are horrific and often accompanied with white socks.
Great list Brandy!
I am so with you on the presentable feet thing. WHY show them off if they don’t look pretty!?
my advise :
DON’T WEAR CROCS!
Tube tops-just because they look okay on some doesn’t mean you are one of the select few.