There will only be 300 witnesses to my meltdown April 13, 2008
Posted by brandy in Me & the Bard, adventure, confession of the day, friends, help, i complain because I care, i like scotch & table dancing, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., oh dear, these are the things that happen to me.trackback
A short time ago, a dear friend asked me to do the one thing that a good friend can’t refuse doing. She asked me to speak at her wedding. And of course, I said yes. Because that is what you do when your friend asks you to do such a thing. You say “yes”. And you say it without hesitation.
And then I was given my “reading”. Sonnet 18 by The Bard. In case you aren’t up-to-date on your Shakespeare (and other than *Bre, who is?) Sonnet 18 starts out “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”, and includes the lovely lines (that has my tongue doing gymnastic moves in my mouth):
“Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest,
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade”
Uh huh.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I do love me some Shakespeare. In fact, I spent a month reading him just to better improve myself, because my literary diet of Jodi Picoult and Melissa Banks had begun to feel like empty calories. So, it’s not so much the Shakespeare that makes me nervous. Neither is the idea of speaking in front of large crowds. I’m one of those bizarre, mutated individuals who actually loves public speaking. I actually won public speaking awards (and yet I still managed to have friends as a child, curious?). So that’s not my problem.
The equation to my sense of panic can be written exactly like this:
reading Shakespeare + 300 people in audience + distracted state of mind due to fact the wedding is listed as ‘black tie’ and I’m not sure of what to wear, which prevents me from reviewing this important Sonnet 18 with the due concentration it deserves = a blindingly, painful type of panic that had me contemplating drinking heavily before my reading (to you know, loosen my tongue) until I received an email from the bride reminding us that we cannot drink before or during the ceremony.
Not that I was going to show up pulling a Tara Reid, but now that even a glass or two of red wine is out of the question I’m back to full throttle panic mode.
I need an outfit. I need to start reading this piece of literary wonder.
I need a drink.
T minus 6 days to public humiliation.
* Bre, I mean I don’t know a single other soul who could have twittered back the first line like you did! Impressive talent, are you free this Saturday? Want to do a reading? Can I bribe you with Canadian beer and poutine?
You’ll do great and you’ll find a dress. Don’t you worry. After all, YOU are mmmmagic, aren’t you?
No need to panic. Just because you aren’t *supposed* to have a drink doesn’t mean you *can’t*…
She’s obviously not from Cape Breton. The one thing that I’ve learned since moving to the east coast is that drinking before the ceremony is required. Hell, if they’re not drinking DURING the ceremony there’s got to be something wrong with the wedding party!
You’ll ace it. Good luck!
Ah, nobody will know if you sneak into the bathroom for a little nip of the bottle. Hehe. Good luck!
A quick sip of something or the other when nobody’s looking is totally ok…and in fact, required I’d say. Fortunately there are also some fabulously lovely dresses out in the world right now.
Good Luck, and I agree a quick sip / shot when no one is looking would probably help. I know that it would definitely calm my nerves.
What? No drinking before public speaking? That is just terrible.
will she REALLY know if you sneak in a glass of wine before the reading?
just put some vodka in your water ; )
practice practice practice.
and if that doesn’t work just make a loving friendly joke about sonnet 18 and get a laugh from the crowd. maybe?
It’s just not as fun if someone doesn’t have a cooler full of beer in their car. Seriously, weddings should resemble more formal tailgate parties.
Bluefly.com has some gorgeous dresses. Please go buy one and wear it for me. I want one, but I don’t have anywhere to wear it!
It doesn’t have to be memorized, does it? Does it?? Because if it does, totally take alexa’s advice and put ze vodka in ze water. Stat.
Can’t drink before the ceremony? What kind of Stalinist police-state is she running over there? Seriously, brides have to go easy on the control-freak tendencies…a good wedding is when everyone has FUN!!! Rules inhibit fun.
Black tie means one thing…boys in tuxedos!!! So, that should have you looking forward to the whole thing quite a bit.
As for the reading…just relax, breathe deep and go S-L-O-W!!! If you think you are going painfully, horribly slow, then you are probably still going too fast;-)
And for God’s sake, have a drink before you do this…the bride’s authority only goes so far.
Wow no drinking before or during the ceremony? That stinks. As for the reading – I agree practice makes perfect so practice, practice, practice! You know that old saying, when you have a big presentation picture everyone in the room naked -you could try that, I mean cute boys in tuxedos – naked, not so bad.
You should check out bluefly.com for dresses – they have adorable designer dresses, way cheap! Good luck!
wait, Jodi Picault is AWESOME.
Just from my past Shakespeare classes; when I knew I would have to do readings, it helps to write them out and listen to the words in my head. You can pick up the pitch and intonation, as well as determine how the words should be said. Trying the words out makes a huge difference, as well as interpreting them. Also. If the words seem strange, translate them into your own words. When you have a better idea of what you’re saying, reading the Shakespearean version sometimes makes it so much easier.
Just a few thoughts.
haha I’m lovin all the comments above me…and yes I 16th that…add some vodka to that water and deny deny deny if asked! As for Shakespeare…I have no advice…I would never ever sign on to read that so you are already far braver (and therefore gonna rock the wedding) than me!
Hi, I love you; but I just can’t get past the fact that a child just farted on your leg. Our lives, they are poetically similar.
happy monday, lady
ouch! if you forget the lines pretend to shed tears for the joyful couple. then continue.
if that doesn’t work, there is always alcohol.
Heh heh heh. You need one of those little hip-mounted flasks they used to use back in the day so you can take a little nip before you go up to read.
I will, of course, be expecting a full reporting on how things go. Audio would be nice. Video would be better.
I was just working on sonnets with one of the kiddos I tutor… do you know that the great conspiracy theory is that Shakespeare wrote that about a guy?
Heehee!
um, no booze before whatsoever? can you sneak a flask in your purse? down a couple shots beforehand?
what shoes will you wear, that’s also what im wondering?
(thank you for the email my friend. i heart you more than i can put into words).
Man, what do I have to do to get some poutine? I can’t recite lines or lyrics for shit, but I want some poutine. You think anyone will notice if you throw in a “fo shizzle” or “word” here and there?
Ten bucks says that though no one can drink before the ceremony, everyone will want to. Tight ship there!
I am sure you’ll do great and do your bride friend and the 300+ proud. And look good doing it.
Just ‘accidentally’ start reading a paragraph from a trashy romance novel first. I guarantee it’ll break the ice, get everyone loose and then the real reading will go just fine!!
When I had to read Shakespeare at a wedding, my sister (ahem!) never gave me the actual reading assuming I knew it by heart as I have sort of a. . . thing. . . for all things Shakespeare. When it came time to read it DURING the ceremony, no one had it written out. DOH!
But I managed to make everyone laugh as someone scrambled to locate it and then I read it (cuz hell no did I have it memorized). And all was right with the world.
I tell you this because YOU WILL DO GREAT!
i, too, was a public speaker! i would probably trip over shakespeare in your sitch…but i’m sure you’ll be great!! best. of. luck. may the force be with you
Oh my gosh you will be great! Although I am secretly dreading having to give speeches or talk in general at my friend’s weddings. Thankfully they are not engaged yet. I am an awful public speaker! However you, my friend, are a good one! How do I know? Because anyone who can get up every day in front of a bunch of lil kiddos and give it her all can deliver a phenom presentation at a wedding. You totally got this!
Noooo – don’t drink before you have to make your speech! You’ll do fine! Strap a small flask of liquor to your garter for after
“until I received an email from the bride reminding us that we cannot drink before or during the ceremony” – not a catholic wedding, is it?
You could down a couple of vodkas, nobody can smell that.
Good Luck!!
Vodka won’t show up on your breath. Mix it with something. Porcelain flasks don’t set off medal detectors.
Wow, I need a hobby.
By “show up” I meant “have an apparent odor.”
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