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Greta-a-Sketch asked “What was your first kiss like?”

My first kiss was… wet. And I think I saw stars. Not because it was overly romantic, but because I had no idea that you were supposed to breathe while kissing. I sort of.. held my breath. And then when my ears started to pound I let out this big GASP! And the boy looked all pleased with himself like his kissing technique (of darting his tongue all over my mouth) had left me breathless. Men.

She also asked, in addition to phalanges, what other words do you like?

I’ve had a post sitting in my drafts box for a few months that entirely about words I like. Maybe it’s because I’m a reader (or maybe I’m a reader because of this?) but I like words. I like the way they roll around in my tongue, the way they make my mouth feel. Here are some of my favourites: soliloquy, Borneo, zing etiquette, sultry, allegory, luminescence, caterpillar, whiplash, cord, mesmerizing, Connecticut, bellicose, cork, encrusted, ravishing, loquacious, embark, lavender, omnipresent and superfluous. A sentence like ” The mesmerizing soliloquy by the sultry caterpillar produced a zing in my lavender encrusted heart” may make no sense but it’s pretty much like an orgasm for my mouth. (Oh, and Ashley, I promise phalange is an actual word. Though it does sound like a made up word doesn’t? Sort of like, igloo. I always thought that word sounded dodgy.)

Pam asked, “what words do you hate?”

Ointment. The C word. Oh, and the term ‘tube steak’.

Tori asked, “do you wear perfume? If so, what kind?”

Perfume is something that I either LOVE or HATE depending my mood, my outfit, the position of the Earth. It’s pretty random. Most days I like leaving the house with something, but other days the idea of wearing perfume seems like TOO MUCH WORK (this goes against the theory I had in university where perfume was often put on instead of showering on those mornings I had little sleep because last night there was a special on jugs of beer. Because I valued pitcher specials as highly as my expensive education).

Here are a few from my current rotation: Island hop Spray by Gap (hello heaven? You come in a bottle!), Eternity by Calvin Klein, Deep Red by Hugo Boss, Mediterranean by Elizabeth Arden and Fantasy by Britney Spears (though I haven’t wore this since I subbed a grade 6 class one day and found out that I was wearing the same perfume as the entire girl population of the class) and Pure Seduction by Victoria’s Secret. Holy shit. I own a perfume called Pure Seduction??! I feel sort of like a tramp. I had no idea that was what it was called- I just buy the bottle with the pink flower on it. But closer inspection has revealed that this little bottle of magic has a name. Now what kind of grade two teacher goes to work smelling like something called “Pure Seduction”? That just seems wrong.

Lisa asked “What is your most deformed body part?”

I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I knew INSTANTLY what I was going to answer with. It has to be my right foot. Also known as the foot I broke in three spots attempting to do the worm at a wedding. Do I know how to do the worm? No. Have I EVER known how to do the worm? No. Did a few wobbly pops somehow warp my mind into thinking that I could do the worm if I just visualized me doing the worm? Yes. And do I hate myself for using the term ‘wobbly pops’? Absolutely.

The foot actually healed wrong (shocking-considering I was put in a walking boot and walked on it for 2 months since I work crutches as well as I work chopsticks) and now it’s sort of… crooked and lumpy. Man, I’m getting you all so hot right now aren’t I? Apparently I need to get it re-broke but that means, at least two months not being able to drive. And although I love the idea of piggy back rides and accessorizing my cast, the idea of not driving for two months is about as pleasant as getting a root canal while listening to Ashley Simpson.

And in case there was any misunderstanding- I’m fully aware that the word ‘lumpy’ is the worst word to use to describe a body part. Although, if I was wearing Pure Seduction and flashed you my crooked foot, I’m sure I would melt your heart.