Unknown. February 20, 2008
Posted by brandy in Jon Stewart, Wednesday nights make me frisky, and now you might know everything, cnn makes my heart beat fast, family, i love fragment sentences, lists, music, politics, secrets, top 10, what i found when i went looking, what the hell.trackback
There are things I pride myself on knowing- the secret ingredient to a family cookie recipe (from a family I’m not technically a part of but trusted as much as). What secrets are worth keeping. How to correctly feed and saddle a horse. The number of minutes I can teach math before 15 children begin to plan a mutiny. Detecting when an “I’m fine” means anything but that. My sevens multiplication table. How long I can drink milk past it’s expiry date before I get ill. When to quit and when to try harder.
And there are certain things I would give my life’s treasure to unknow. Things, that for whatever reason- through my own intentional doing, through an unintentional accident, or the will/wish of someone else- I now know, and wish to heaven and back again that I didn’t. Because they are either a) gross b) hurtful c) wildly inappropriate or d) all of the above.
Here’s a few that are currently on my list:
1. There was a pinworm outbreak in the school recently. And pinworms can lay eggs in your underwear. (Sorry. But if I have to know that, you do to).
2. The dirty little secrets my brother and his girlfriend share when in the deep seated throes of 3am drunk sex.
3. The soul crushing, panicked feeling that comes with having 413 unread posts in the good ol’ Google Reader.
4. Anything relating to Heidi, Spencer and or the dynamic duo that IS Heidi and Spencer. (Why can’t I quit them?)
5. Exactly what it feels like to have a parent give up on you.
6. The taste of moldy bread. Or better yet, the feeling of seeing mold on your bread when you have one bite left.
7. The smell of cancer.
8. The lyrics to any and every song every performed by Avril Lavigne.
9. Knowing that you are the one who loves more.
10. The sound of Tyra’s voice pretending to be a homecoming queen. What. The. Hell.
Proof that a higher power exists: Jon Stewart on Larry King tonight! I love that. Oh, and Tiffany sent me this- which has brought me far too much enjoyment (AM- are you back on the bandwagon yet?!). Keep clicking the message to get a new one to show up- tell me, what’s your favourite one? Now I’m off to try and fix #3.
Amen on #9. That is all.
413 unread posts on your reader!!???!! whoa! Good luck! I’m not sure I could make it thru all that without giving up after (maybe) 20!
and I think we’re all sorta addicted to the Heidi/Spencer drama. it’s hard not to be. and OMG… new season of The Hills coming in March! eeeee!!!!!
I’ve experience #9. I have not so subtle desire NEVER to have to know that again.
There are times I swear I would chop off my right arm to unknow some things…
And I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t know who Heidi and Spencer are…but I am totally turning to google to find out!
abbersnail- Yeah. #9 is a rough one.
AP- Well, I’m going to pull a BROOKEM and try to read them, but we shall see how it goes. I may just read the most recent one from each, then go back into the archives when I have more time. And the new season is March?! How do you know this? Who told you? Oh, man I’m so excited!
silverneurotic- Yep, definitely not a good feeling.
Maggie- NOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t go and look. If you haven’t been sucked into that world, avoid it like the flesh eating disease. It’s a horrible, horrible thing (Heidi and Spencer that is. Well, the flesh eating disease fits too). I have no idea why I’m so addicted. That Spencer. He weaves a wicked web.
Why do you know “The dirty little secrets my brother and his girlfriend share when in the deep seated throes of 3am drunk sex.”??
Or do I want to know?
Also, Spencer Pratt is the Devil. That is all.
I know #5 and #7 myself. And you’re right, it sucks.
Bre- I ended up staying in a camper with them last summer and it was truly one of the most horrible experiences of my life. We got back to the holiday camper and things were fine, I fell asleep on the couch, then I woke up and could hear… them. And I did all those things you are supposed to do to let people know you are awake- I coughed, I got up and got a drink of water- at one point I even said ‘I’m awake! I’m awake!’, but alas- it was too late. The damage was done. No amount of pillows over the ears blocked it all out. I was horrified. I’m still horrified.
Cheryl- Definitely. Besides being two that I REALLY wish I didn’t know about, they are two that I find I had the hardest time coping with. Especially #5. Sometimes I still wonder how well I really cope with that one.
bleeechhh oh no one bite on the moldy bread?! that bruuutal!
Can you imagine someone having to say that they are afraid they got pinworms in their tubesteak? It’s just a thought…a very scary one and one that will never, ever be followed by a that’s what she said…It’s also good proof that I can ruin a perfectly decent inside joke. Sorry about that…really.
I love that Barack site. Thanks Brandy and Tiff!
I totally agree on 8
Mm.. pinworms in the underwear. That’s gross, and reminded me of the Roto virus I had last year while working at the daycare. I mean, honestly… is there anything grosser than having a sickness that can come from… you know… down there?
And really, I am really behind on the Heidi and Spencer thing, because the last time you posted about them, I googled their names, and now, I don’t know anything about them. Who are they again?
Me + Jon Stewart = love
It’s a fool-proof equation.
And I’m beginning to think that Google reader is nowhere the good invention it claims to be.
#1. Ewwww. Seriously?
And I know that guilt, I have to tackle 349 unread posts. So tempted to hit mark-all-as-read button. I don’t do guilt too well.
Ditto on the anti-#9ness.
Also, Barack Obama held my hand when I was frightened.
If you figure out number 7, please, please let me know. I would love to unlearn that one. And for what it’s worth, I think I’ve always been number 9, so go figure.
No 6 happens to me all too often.
And now I shall blame you for having Girlfriend in my head all day. Argh.
Number 8? Including b-sides?
Number 9? Yea. U-huh. Yes. That would definitely be at the top of my unknow list.
Number one is gross, but I knew that one already. Just FYI, did you know if one member of a family gets diagnosed with pinworms, the entire family should take the medicine? And that the mom (or helpful dad) has to wash every set of sheets in the house and every item of clothing that has possibly come into contact with that kid? Because I did know that, and I also know now that my oldest daughter is allergic to the standard medicine they give to get rid of pinworms and spent one of her birthday parties unable to walk because of the allergic reaction. Makes you want to have kids, right? Sorry for the oversharing! This was years ago when she was in preschool and she’s 10 now, so we are all fine now.
Well, if he really did send me flowers, I would be totally on the bandwagon. I am a sucker for flowers!
Seriously? Ew. To number one especially. Ew.
Ew.
Ugh, I’m sorry you know many of those things, too. Scrub the brain. A lot!
I particularly loved the first paragraph of this one. And numbers 3 and 6.
Moldy bread is disgusting! Last year, we were in a restaurant in small town in NC. As we were deciding what to order, a woman sitting near us had a fit. As she and her family were finishing their meal of burgers, she noticed her daughter’s bun had a huge patch of mold on it. She showed every patron there the evidence. I was horrified. We left immediately. Eiwwwwww!
You know what? The moldy bread thing seriously freaks me out. One of my biggest fears of eating bread is just that. I will inspect the hell out of bread before I start using it to make a sandwich.
There are a lot of things I wish I could unknow. Like an male ex-coworker who shaved his pubes. How do I know this? Because my BFF is of the logic that if she has to know, I have to know too.
How about taking a drink of spoiled milk and then realized what you just did. it’s right up there with the bread thing.
I have no idea what pinworms are, but nothing that lays eggs in your underpants can be good. And now I want to go home and take a shower.
I found out number one when I was teaching kindergarden..ICK….I would love to unknow what it feels like to beak someone else’s heart - unintentionally…
Moldy bread sucks.
And Heidi could do much better than Spencer…
Speaking of Heidi, did you see that crazy music video?
I practice this rule when I see a butt crack from jeans that are too low. I point it out because if I have to see it, so do you.
Unknowing things would be the greatest gift. What a great superpower that would be. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
Digging into a bag of chips and two handfuls in, find ants crawling on your fingers and then suddenly feel them having a party on your tongue.
that a cockaroach had been in shoe closet.
and really tyra?!?!?
It’s interesting the things we wish we didn’t ever have to know, huh?
Um, speaking of, I sent you a Hills preview earlier today. Get ready my dear.
Do you feel the least bit guilty for continuing to put out new posts meanwhile not reading other blogs? You know, the Google Reader doesn’t lie or forget.
I’m not seriously asking you this question. It’s more a curiousity since that’s how I feel sometimes. Sometimes people like to ask questions of others, but the question is really geared towards themself. This would be one of those times for me.
Jon Stewart is cool.
i’m jumping on the bandwagon and going with number 9.
and how many minutes exactly does it take for children in a classroom to mutiny? i could see how math could possibly inspire mutiny in children (no offense of course, i’m just jealous because i can’t do math myself).
I wish I could unknow the relationship status of two married (not to eachother) co-workers at my place of work.
I wish I could unknow what it feels like to be the parent to my parents.
Two paragraphs in and I couldn’t help myself. I HAD to read more. Thanks for sharing… once I read about pinworms, I knew I could deal with whatever else was on the list.
So… because I’m an inquisitive jerk I went ahead and googled the pinworm.
I.. think I’m permanently scarred. Because? EW!
Hahaha! Fantastic!
xox
how you managed to make it past #2, I just don’t know. And really pinworm - is that like ringworm? Another reason why, I just may skip past the whole “let’s have a kid thing”.
Oh god #6 yes. I ate moldy pita once and it was nooooot good. And Spencer/Heidi let’s just get rid of them okay. Maybe they’ll move back to Colorado. Oy.
I’m there with ya on #3. Why can’t my favorite bloggers be lazy like me and only post like twice a week.
Is it wrong that I am now dying to know that secret ingredient/recipe? How do I get in that family????
hi brandy! just wanted you to know that i discovered your blog last year and i’ve been reading it sporadically for the past few months and i just finished reading all your posts. you are really very funny and your posts are just the right mix of poignancy and craziness that i enjoy…have you ever thought of writing a screenplay or something?well anyway i think you’re great, keep it up! =)
My favorite response to #3 is the “Mark all as read” button.
My favorite response to #9 to wallow.
http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/
I’m sure you know, though, that wallowing isn’t worth it. Just to clarify.
Or, if you were talking about a different last line, the only thing you can do with stupid people is to get over them.
After spending an entire day in a high school classroom and after reading this post about pinworm, I just have to say that I SO ADMIRE YOU for becoming a teacher. It’s not something everyone can do…in case you didn’t know already, you totally rock!
Oh, and if you’re really in a poor mood, what Chuck Todd has to say may cheer you up. It involves statistical analysis of Obama’s lead over Clinton for the nomination.
“Knowing that you are the one who loves more.”
amen, sistah.
also…to your other post concerning mandy moore’s newwest album? i’ve been obsessed with it since it debuted. we’re talking on repeat, here. and it never gets old. i totally get it.
xo, bb
“Barack Obama dedicated a song to you”
To be the first to realize it’s over.
Oh God. I ate a moldy piece of cheese once, and I will never forget that vile taste.
This one made me LOL:
“Barack Obama skated here all the way from the beach just to see you”
Can you picture him on skates? For some reason I am picturing neon yellow windbreaker shorts, too. Because when I think of skating near a beach, I think 1991.
I thought I was the one of the few who dared to risk drinking milk after its expiration!
That website is my new favorite….thanks for that.
this is my first time on this blog and - you got me. Love at first post.
So I will quietly subscribe and read some more
You’ll be seeing me ’round
..*sad face at the moldy bread thing. sad face with recognition.*
I’m traumatized by #1 and #2
libby- I know. Moldy bread is not my friend.
MC- Seriously?! You went there?! Disgusting!!
Elisabeth- Yep, that site is wonderful. I think my favourite so far is “Barack Obama went to your play”.
poodlegoose- Oh man, seriously?! If you don’t know about Heidi and Spencer, count yourself lucky. They… invade your world if you let them. Okay, that might be a bit much, but trust me- you are better off not knowing.
PP- Isn’t he just fantastic? Smart, funny, smart, funny… okay, I was going to list a bunch of attributes but those were the two that kept popping into my head. God spent a little more time on him. As for Google reader- I think it’s a motherfucker. And I can say things like that here because I don’t think people actually go back and read these. And because I really just wanted to pull out that word.
Ana- Google reader is some sort of torture device I think. At least we are in this together.
Gretch-a-sketch- LOL, I love that one! Oh man, that’s just the greatest site ever. I already emailed Tiff, but I think I need to email her again because that site has truly made my life better.
geekhiker- At least take comfort in knowing that you aren’t the only one who’s number 9′ed it. Hey, I think I’m just going to use that term ‘number 9′ed it’ on a regular basis. I like how it sounds.
teabelly- Sorry! But for what it’s worth- I had a friend point out how fun it is to sing the ‘you’re so ridiculous’ line Avril sings in one of her songs and now when I hear that line I have to sing it extra loud.
Hope- Dude. I’m Canadian. The A side stuff you learn without even trying because it’s on the radio all the time. It’s like Celine Dion. I’m pretty sure I could sing ANYTHING she’s ever put out there. I’m also pretty sure I could shoot a beaver if I had the gun, again another thing that comes with being Canadian.
Tori- Dear God lady! Your poor daughter! I don’t even have pinworms but want to take the medicine after reading your comment!
AM- I will let him know!
littlespoon- Sorry, but you know I had to share it.
justrun- Agreed. Sometimes a good brain scrub makes all the difference.
Ifar- Thanks lady! I really had to put in a mention to my 7’s times table. They are the ones I know the best, and for reasons I don’t understand, I take gigantic pleasure from this.
Nilsa S- Gross! Noticing it at the end of the meal is always the worst.
Sicilian Mama- Now I wish I unknew about your co-worker and the pubes. Seriously- how does she know that??! No wait- don’t tell me. Because it will just continue this awful cycle.
Maxie- Yep, that’s just as gross. I’ve often held the milk in my mouth because spitting something out immediately isn’t something that my brain thinks of doing. I usually panic and hold it in my mouth and freak out before running to a sink (why I never spit it out back into the glass- I’m not going to be drinking anymore of it anyway, is beyond me). And I love how this makes me sound that I drink sour milk ALL THE TIME.
Dutchess- Yeah… I think the words ‘eggs’ and ‘underwear’ should never be uttered in the same breath.
PE- That’s one I want to unknow too. But… I guess knowing that helps make me more concerned/cautious about the feelings of others so now I don’t know…
Amber T- Dude. Heidi’s video got played more than once here I’m afraid. Because I’m attracted to crazy like a moth to a flame. Actually, I watched it twice because I really thought it was a parody of something- of her actually. My brain just couldn’t comprehend that she and Spencer made something so bad. I liken to my repeat viewings as to watching a train wreck. Awful, but mandatory.
Clearlykels- Exactly! And about butt crack- don’t people realize when they are showing it all off? I don’t understand that…
Jess- Agreed. It would be a nice power to have.
The Lisa Show- Oh gross! I did laugh at the idea of a party being in your mouth, but ants should never be invited.
Anne- Tyra is a trainwreck in my opinion. I just… want to tell her to ‘hush’ when I watch her. (This is probably why I will never be a blogger who will write a post about America’s Next Top Model. I like the show but can’t stay into it long enough to write something substantial- Tyra makes my brain bleed).
brookem- Woo hoo! I’m so excited. I read that one at work and let out a squeak of a excitement during silent reading time. I’m pumped!
Kayleigh- Well, when the children were doing math sheets for the entire period, mutinous glances would reach me after 10 minutes. Now I’m trying to make math more fun, and it’s been a bit easier. The kids are actually wanting to do extra math in their free time. Score one point for me!
EM- I thought that might be at the top of your list
Nicole- Sigh. I get this one. Far more than I would like to admit.
Jacinta- Ha! I thought I would put that one first- to weed out those with weak stomaches.
Deutlich- WOMAN! You googled PINWORMS?! Are you insane?! That’s like googling… genocide or foot disease. Your brain will never be the same.
Heidikins- Thanks.
Semichrmd- See, it was the ravage head lice that made me question my want for children. And you know, the popularity of BRATZ dolls.
Katelin- I just read an article with Heidi (because why wouldn’t I?) where she talked about people being ‘haters’ and how she’s just a small town girl from Colorado with a dream. I’m thinking her story should be a lifetime television movie event. Brookem can be a producer.
Dustin- Exactly. Can we put out a petition?
Tori- I got told the secret ingredient as a birthday present. It was a HUGE deal. I will give you a clue- it’s not raisins.
Bless- hi! Actually, when I was younger I was far more serious about writing. Now I struggle to stay with a topic, and find that after 30 minutes at my computer I start looking at the dead ends of my hair or chipping off my nailpolish. I don’t think I have the attention span- but thanks for your kind words and for stopping by!!
eyeingtenure- I’m a big fan of the wallow as well.
Sarah- Highschool is a different world than grade 2. Sure, grade 2 kids can still be awful, but when they are really bad and refusing to come when you call them at the skating rink, you can get the teachers assistant to watch your class as you physically pick them up and carry them back to the school. Highschool kids- not so much. At least I wouldn’t want to try it. But thanks for the support!
eyeingtenure- I definitely want to look at that. I need something good.
bloggingbarbie- It’s funny how many people can relate to that one. Not funny hysterical, but funny- I like how it makes the world seems smaller sort of funny. Okay, I don’t think that made sense at all. As for Mandy- there’s been so much talk about the album I’m thinking I might have to take some drastic measures and buy it.
Damsel- I like that one too!
Evans- Oh dear. That one broke my heart a little bit. I think being the last one to realize it’s over is just as unknowable. Is that word?
Valerie- I THOUGHT YELLOW SHORTS TOO! And those sunglasses with the nylon cord that keeps them around your head. Oh OBAMA!
Claire- Nope, I do too. I’m all about living on the edge.
Jemi- Welcome! And I’m sorry you know what I’m talking about!
WendyB- Number 2… I still can’t think about it without feeling a tiny bit of vomit crawl into my mouth. There’s just some things a sister should not know. EVER.
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