The hiss from a tire makes such a sad sound February 10, 2008
Posted by brandy in a possible regret, and now you might know everything, confession of the day, disappointment, don't hate me for this, games we play, i am slowly going crazy, i might be addicted to tags, i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, is it weird this makes me cry?, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., love or something like it, men, relationships, secrets, seriously, so sappy it hurts, something I won't forget, these are the things that happen to me, thinking, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, this one is about you, when i say it anyway.trackback
I think of writing this post almost daily.
And then I get scared, swallow my words and choose a different topic.
Because suddenly when I see the words on the screen my thoughts seem smaller. Less valuable. Less life changing. And then I wonder, why did these thoughts change me so much? Are they worth it? Was he?
And I don’t answer myself. Not because I’m scared at what the answer might be, but because I just don’t know.
Once upon a time when I was young and naive and the world was my brightly lit, always positive oyster, I knew a guy. A guy who… well, charmed me. Charmed seems to small a word for the feelings that I felt, but it’s the closest that I can find. He was like the book that was so good it made you cry. Or the perfect skipping stone that hops down the river. Or the jeans that fit just right. He was all the good things a girl would want- and even things you didn’t realize you would want until you saw them- in him.
And of course he had a girlfriend. Who was lovely (as girlfriends of charming men who have charmed you always are). And so we did what people in such situations do- we lit the match and played with fire. Because like I said- I was young and naive and the world was my brightly lit, always positive oyster. Why wouldn’t I act on everything I felt?
We used to put everything on the 1-10. How much did I want to be a teacher? A 9- it was the report card situation that didn’t push me to a 10. How deep was his love for Madonna? 2- he wasn’t a fan.I remember we were talking about marriage. More specifically- the chances of him marrying his lovely girlfriend. So I asked the question that would hurt both of us: How much do you want to marry your girlfriend? His reply? A three.
I don’t for one second believe he downplayed the number to spare my feelings. I believe his answer was sincere, having said it through a long sigh that sounded both sad and frustrated. Like the hiss that comes from a deflated tire. A three. Three. Less than half. Almost close to his feelings towards Madonna. There’s no appropriate response to such an confession so I said nothing, but inside my brain went into overdrive.
Why only three? Why would you stay with someone if you only wanted to be with them a three? Is it comfort? Security? Are you staying because that’s what is expected of you? Because it’s the easiest thing to do? Are you that much of a wimp? And how does she not realize that you only want to marry her a three? Does she know and is pretending differently, or are you that good at hiding everything? And if you think she’s pretending- why would you want to stay with someone who would be willing to settle for the likes of you?
Eventually we faded out of each others lives. We had reached a point where neither of us could do anything else- and what we had done had already been too much. I think our last conversation involved him discussing buying tires. I suppose that’s the beauty of some relationships- they end without long speeches or heartfelt confessions. Sometimes they end with people discussing tires. It ends just how it began- easily and without expectations.
That was a long time ago, yet I can’t help but wonder- did he marry her? Is he happy? Is she? If you’ve been with someone for as long as he had been with her and was only at a three- did his love suddenly grow? How does that happen? Or, did it stay a three and did he marry her anyway? Or did he not marry her at all?
I have no answers to these questions. In fact, I can’t even explain why I still think of any of this- but I do. Oh, I do.
That is actually really a sad post. You obviously have some pretty deep feelings for him or else you wouldn’t still be thinking of him.
And the thought of wanting to marry someone that you only feel 30% about is really, really depressing to me. If you don’t get tingles every time you see his or her name on your phone…how can you be that excited to spend your life with them?
I dunno…I feel like people should aspire to be happier than that.
I didn’t get the sad vine on this post. I got feeling you’re dependable friend to the end. When we stop caring about people, humanity has been lost. Great post friend!
VIBE not vine. Too much vino for moi.
I agree with Accidentally Me, it is sad that he only had feelings of a 3. People should really really aspire to be soo much happier.
I think it is normal to have these thoughts about past relationships or friends, I have them very often. (So I hope I am normal.)
P.S. They ALWAYS have girlfriends, or girls they are interested in and it throws you out of having the whole package. Never works out the way we want it to.
I have a very sincere inkling that whoever you marry, you will love them more than a three. And you know what? That’s the best passive-aggressive revenge a girl can get for a broken heart.
One word. Facebook.
I am compelled beyond all reason to respond to this post. I have been in similarly agonizing situation but the guy wasn’t with anyone. We played this game day in and day out, flirting, pulling away, coming back, and it all wreaked utter havoc on my emotional state and psyche for a year straight. I am sorry this happened to you. There’s nothing worse than lost love. I loved this person too without boundries, without hesitation, without needing anything in return. Here’s to tomorrow -
AM- Yeah, I think the idea of marrying someone when you are a 3 is sort of.. sobering in the worst possible way. Thank GOODNESS you are not going to be that kind of person, Miss Engaged!
egan- Are you drinking red or white tonight?
Ashley- That’s what I think too. It’s not like I think of him and pine away, it’s more like… I just don’t understand the whole 3 business and wish I could get some clarification on how that happens you know?
Renee- Oh thank you. What a nice comment! I have to say, I agree with you- I don’t think I would marry anyone if I felt a 3 about them.
Airam- I suspect he’s not a user, but it’s worth a shot. You my friend, are a smart lady.
Kayleigh- Amen. It’s strange what humans will put themselves through isn’t??
There’s a school of philosophy that says that there are exactly two decent, likable, single guys in this world. It also states that they’re dating each other.
Sometimes people just get a little hopeless and decide the years it takes aren’t worth the wait for The One. Settling for someone loses it’s pall when the option is a bad breakup and a waiting period of who-knows-how-long until the next meaningful relationship.
Maybe it isn’t the perfect somebody, but it is a warm body. Eh. I hate to be so nihilistic.
Uhm, red wine. Have some.
http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/
*defeatist, not nihilistic.
Oh, this is all so poignant. I find it sad that people settle, even though I understand the temptation. This post reminds me of a situation where I recently met a friend’s girlfriend and the girlfriend’s sister. The Gf is sweet but fairly quiet and rather dull. The sister is spunky, fun, exciting company. Someone far more suited to my friend I would have thought. I am so disappointed that he went with blonde, skinny and boring instead of brunette and exciting. (My disclaimer is that I don’t really know these girls, and I could be judging the quiet one way too harshly, but it seems to me to be such a common story that people are dazzled by something superficial because they are happy to have a dull relationship, when they actually could have an amazing one…) Oh i know this is not what you’re talking about really,… I just feel the same sense of melancholy.
This one must have a follow-up post, Brandy. You need to find out!
No that is far too tragic to marry someone simply for a 3. I would marry for a 10 – a mind blowing, perfect 10. I could never settle for less, but I wonder if he did.
(Beautiful post)
Beautiful post as always. Don’t beat yourself up by wondering. As someone who married less than a 10 a time (or two), my guess that if he did marry her, he is no longer married.
Aw, this is beautiful. The art of settling. I hope for his sake (and yours) that he didnt.
I think this is an amazingly heartfelt post coming from someone who realizes people come in and out of our lives and affect us in different ways. Maybe his presence in your life was meant to serve as a reminder – don’t settle for a 3.
BTW, if you were really curious about his whereabouts now, I bet you could Google him.
and then things like facebook and myspace were invented to answer our questions. but i don’t necessarily think that is a good thing.
Sometimes it is so hard to let go of certain people and certain memories. I think what really matters right now is, are you happy?
Do you ever wonder enough to try and find him even though finding him could open up a whole different can of worms?
Well, maybe there were reasons besides how much he loved his girlfriend that made it a three. Ok. Granted, there was something going on with you, so he wasn’t very solid in his feelings anyway, but… like if someone asked me right now how much I wanted to marry MysteryMan, three doesn’t seem like such an unreasonable answer. Not because I don’t love him to death, but because most marriages (in my personal experience, not overall) have just been miserable. So that isn’t high on my own personal priority list. However, if you had followed up that question with “How much do you want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend” and his answer was still three. Ouch! I’m just saying that for some people “marriage” and “comitted relationship” aren’t entirely synonomous.
This was so poignant and…just…hauntingly gorgeous in how honest it was. Oy, you are beautiful.
Those questions are so hard. Now with the internet and all the social networking and whatnot, it would be easier to find out the answer to that question. Well, it would be easier to find out the outcome. But you still wouldn’t know if his desire had stayed at three. Which is why that internet accessibility is not necessarily a good thing.
Like Ariam mentioned…Facebook is always good for reconnecting. Worth a shot?
I, too, have these thoughts of past relationships. I need one of those damn memory erasing things, like in Men in Black. Lilfe would be so much easier that way.
Forgetting marrying, why was he dating someone that he just had “three” level feelings for? I’d guess he was lonely and just wanted someone around to take the edge off of that pain. Although you probably have some lingering feelings, I’m glad you let that relationship/friendship/whatever it was go. You’re better for not being in the midst of that type of emotionally dishonest mess.
Mmmm… we’ve officially entered each others minds now Miss Brandy. Well not completely, but we’re so on the same thinking-wave-length that it’s scary.
I wish I could say something relatively intelligent/comforting/mind opening – but I am still pondering similar questions and thoughts in my mind.
Egan is a lush.
And doesn’t being a girl suck sometimes? Seriously…I have a lot of thoughts about this post here, but for some reason this morning I can’t put them into words. They’re good thoughts, though. Just so you know.
Also, why do women think of the many things we think of? It’s how we roll. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes the not knowing the answers to the questions that plauge us is better. Unfortunately, you won’t know if it’s better or not until you find out the answers…then it’s too late if it ends up being better not knowing.
And wow…that was really confusing so I apologize if that made zero sense. Happy Monday.
I think we must always wonder most about those things we never really had 100% of in the first place. That must be how it works– I know it’s that way for me. If he said 3 and hadn’t told her, what else wasn’t he saying, you know?
I was under the influence of my iPod touch. I wish I could say it was red or white wine, but it wasn’t. I just wanted to sound cool so I would look neat in the eyes of your readers.
I actually had to stop reading this post and come revist later, because I didnt want to start crying at work. I know this situation. I am in this situation. I can’t blog about because he reads my blog. I’m in love… and his girlfriend is, well, lovely. OBVI.
I don’t even want to bother meeting a ‘3′ for coffee on a Thursday evening after work. I mean, (extending hands to emulate a scale) – a 3 or Celebrity Rehab….
And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high?
You should find out. What’s the harm really?
I think you entered my head and then wrote it all down. Only you did it a lot better than I would, since every time I think about it the only thing I can come up with is……nothing.
I would agree with you that I wondered what happened between them. But because I am the biggest whimp around, I would never find out. But I totally want to know if you find out – then you’ll not only be a fantastic writer, but also braver than I will ever be. And maybe he would like to hear your favorite lines out of the Gettysburg Address…you never know – it would certainly be one way to break into the conversation!
A conversation about tires. Yup, that sounds about right. I think I had one about snow. But it was so long ago and so much passion still sits in wait in me that I might even just be imagining it altogether. I’m afraid to go looking for him. He married a three. And told me the same night he tried to sleep with me that he was getting married to a three. Things suck sometimes. But if he hadn’t married that three, I’d go looking for him. Just to talk about snow again.
I am in fact one of the nosiest people around, I couldn’t resist a myspace/facebook or google search. Sometimes though, it’s better to leave things alone, dredging up the past can only bring more heartache. And seriously a three? That has to be the loneliest number ever.
You are totally breaking my heart over here… So, on a scale of 1-10 (I couldn’t resist), what’s the chance that he still thinks about you, too? Would that chance be enough to make you want to track him down and see what he’s up to? Time changes a lot of things, including feelings and memories. If you think of this man and those thoughts still make your heart go “boom,” isn’t it worth exploring??…
Beautifully written.
I have guy friends who have married women based upon anything but the quality of their relationship. I never understand it. They “love” their spouses, but they married them for another reason – timing was right, couldn’t find better, it was what everyone was doing at the time… that sort of thing.
I always wonder if they got what they expected; if they are happy with their choices; and if they realized that there was more after they had already committed to that one.
I would not want to be the woman who was in love at a 9 or a 10 while the man was only a 3 or a 4.
When it is your turn Brandy – you will be in a 9 or 10 relationship because you won’t settle… and the man will know just how lucky he is to have you.
I mean, I still think the relationship should be an 8 on most days and then some days it’s a 3. That is sad. It is sad because nothing would be done about it. You were right not to say anything.
Oh Brandy, you really captured it. Strive for more, oh yes.
Dying to know more about what happened.
herein lies my big fear- that someone would be with me and when he thought about marrying me or being with me for a long time, he’d feel a three. i’ve met people in marriages that when asked why they married give the worst response such as- everyone else was getting married or we’d be together a long time or she is very nice and wouldn’t hurt me. seems like that’d be the kind of marriage he’d find himself in, sadly.
maybe that’s why i am so guarded when it comes to committing to love- the fear of the three.
You are always so right with matters of the heart. It’s amazing what people will say when the ‘messy’ feelings get in the way.
This is something I would think about all the time. Probaby because either I don’t ever want to be that girl who’s boyfriend wants to be with her only a 3, or because it’s something that is extremely sad and pethatic. That people could actually just stay with someone for the comfort or security, not because they actually want to be with the person.
I want to say maybe you could call him…I see AmyD agrees and she’s in a successful relationship. My own track record makes me doubt my own advice.
Not matter the topic, your writing skills never cease to amaze me.
eyeingtenure- Dear god, your comment made me sad. Perhaps because I’m single and the idea of what I’m going through now as a ‘waiting period’ didn’t really cross my mind until you said it. I think I need to drink heavily now.
Zosia- Yeah… settling. I know people who’ve done it (although it’s not called ’settling’ then, it’s called ‘compromise’. I suppose everything is just a matter of degrees and perspectives.
Emma- Ahh, I think this might be one of those things I’m better off NOT knowing. No answer will leave me satisfied.
Rosanna- Yeah, me too. See, my wondering isn’t fueled by the desire to rekindle anything, or even become friends again… I just really wish I understood how someone can stay with a three. That’s what sparks all my interest.
Diane Mandy- Thanks for your comment. I will try not to beat myself up, but sometimes I wonder why I wonder so much, you know?
Tiff- Me too!!
Nilsa- I like to think of it as that- a reminder. It puts such a positive spin on a topic that often makes me feeling… sad.
Michelle- Me neither
littlespoon- Yes, surprisingly I am. My wondering what happened to him doesn’t add/diminish what’s going on in my life- it’s just another part of it. If that makes sense.
Dutchess of Kickball- No, I don’t really want to do that. I think it would never be as good as what it was. That ship has sailed, so to speak.
kitliz- What a great point, I hadn’t really thought of it like that at all. I definitely see what you are saying.
Mllealexis- Thanks!
Jess- Yep, and like you said- the answer I want- how do you stay with a three, is it still a three?, wouldn’t be answered by anything than a conversation and that’s not something I want. Or need.
Miss Pickle- A memory eraser. How lovely that could be.
Ally- Agreed!
Carrie- Well, I take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone on this issue!
Armie- Isn’t he? And yes, I do know what you saying and totally agree. Sometimes having a vagina isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
justrun- Yeah, I definitely know. And thinking of that is just… sad.
Nage- Nage, what made you think you needed to do anything to be seen as ‘neat’? Doesn’t having an Ipod touch put you in the cool group anyway? Now leave the computer and go kiss Anna.
Lisa- Eep! I’m sorry you are going through this. If it’s any consolation- I have definitely been there. Feel free to email me sometime if you need to vent. And also- I’m curious, how is the story going?
Paige Jennifer- Yeah. I know. People.
Leanbean- The harm is my sanity. But, I suppose if I was more stable mentally, it would be an exciting idea.
Maggie- Ahh, for me this isn’t an issue of brave or not brave. In fact, sometimes I think it’s taken me more courage not to ask about it. For me this is just an issue of keeping myself sane or not. And shockingly, I’m more sane knowing less. If that make any sense.
r.xo- Bloody hell. We are a fun pair aren’t we?? Isn’t it sad when you find yourself interested in someone who stays with a 3?
Semicharmed- Oh yes. I have it on good authority that no number is worse than three.
AmyD- Oh God, I have no idea if he thinks of me. And although I love the fun and exciting idea of contacting him, honestly- it would be more pain than pleasure. Although, I’m sure it would give me great writing material.
Exception- Oh man, I’m getting sort of weepy now! (I’m officially going to go with ‘lack of sleep’ as my reasoning- but your comment was darn nice). I always wonder too- less about him but more about her. If she knew that she was viewed as a 3, what made her stay? And if she wasn’t aware… well. How is that possible to not know someone thinks you are a 3??
Clearlykels- Thanks. Sometimes it’s nice knowing people agree with what you’ve done. I think I made the right choice too.
Jennifer- Strive for more. That might be my new mantra.
Sizzle- Yep, that’s a fear of mine too. What if I WAS A 3?! Actually, I’m pretty certain I was at one point. Though we didn’t get married. Thank Jesus.
Ames- Sigh. Agreed. It is definitely amazing.
Confusedk- It’s funny how it works out isn’t? I know some people who would argue that settling is a sign of maturity- the idea that you realize that no one is perfect and you accept the limitations of others and do the best with what you have. Of course this isn’t my view, but I’m just saying I know people who think like this.
HC- Ha! Yeah, calling is out of the question. It would just be awkward and uncomfortable and I am really horrible at small talk. It would go something like: HIM: hi ME: Why only a 3? That’s an awful way to treat someone. HIM: Is this Brandy ME: Of course it is. Now why only a three? And you know, nothing good comes from conversations that start like that.
MC- Are you saying that because you want something from me? Because truthfully MC, I really have nothing to offer. It’s amazing how great grade 2’s are at pickpocketing.
I’m so freaking late to the punch here, it’s insane really!
I haven’t read any of the other comments really, so I could be repeating a bunch of stuff. But, what I will say to you, is that I get this. When someone has a way of getting under your skin and into your heart, even time and distance away from each other doesn’t just remove what was once a really strong hold that they had on you. It fades, sure. As do memories and butterflies that were once so strong for a someone like this. But shared moments, shared intimate things that you and only you both know with each other? That never will leave you. At least that’s how I have experienced a relationship like this.
Wondering and questioning seems to be our subconscious reminding us of how important a situation once was. It’s not bad that it happens, but the fact that it does? The reminders and the questioning? It’s not always easy is it?
Oh geeze, I could go on. I’m emailing you.
I’m back.
Um, a 3? I didn’t even mention this in my last comment, but holy hell. I feel bad for the girl he was with, I really do. I certaintly wouldn’t want to be with someone who saw our future happiness together as a 3. I wouldn’t want a 5, a 7. Sorry, but my expectations for that kind of thing are higher. And I don’t understand how his couldn’t have been either…
The English Ex bought a house with a women he was not in love with.
Don’t try to apply logic to male behavior. It’s inexplicable.
(btw- Hi! Just found your blog this morning!)
What a depressing thought that 3 is. Especially when you know you can be such a bigger number to him.
Ha!!! And the answer is no
You’re certainly not the only one who thinks and ponders of such things. I think it’s natural for people do it. Or, at the very least, I really hope it is.
At least until the one that makes you forget all the others comes along. I’m told their out there… somewhere…
I have had a situation like this also….Its security I think. but men that would stay with a 3 are insecure, and truly you wouldnt want a man that way anyway…they wouldnt serve you and men that way are threatened by women that are 10
[...] few months ago I wrote about a guy. A guy who had charmed me. Who told me that he wanted to marry his girlfriend a three out of ten. [...]
Okay, so maybe I should have read this before commenting in the other post. I see you believe he was sincere in proclaiming his wife being a three. I guess he is different.
Mine wasn’t. He told me he was with her just until she got back on her feet (from what, I do not know), he told me she was never his type and he only married her because she got pregnant, a marriage of convenience he called it. And Brandy, he was just has sincere as can be. I believed him until the very end.
[...] In order for you to understand, you need to quickly read this. [...]
I just recently came across your blog and I just wanted to say it’s fantastic. You write beautifully and I’m looking forward to reading more.
A three. Ugh, poor girl. That’s completely unfair. In terms of marriage, everyone deserves a ten.