What I see when I close my eyes January 8, 2008
Posted by brandy in Chuck Norris, anger and I have sat down for tea, disappointment, famous people make for good gossip, happiness, i love fragment sentences, learning, men, politics, seriously, the george, the world according to me, what i found when i went looking, when it doesn't go my way.trackback
Sometimes life gets me down.
I wake up and my hair is flat and my legs are Sahara desert dry and all that’s on TBS are movies starring former WWE wrestlers.
And it makes me sad.
I haven’t even got thinking about issues other than.. you know, myself and the lack of credible day time television viewing. There’s actual tragedies going on in the world Like wars! And deaths! And *elections (that are causing me ulcers!)! And global warming! And the fact that the trend of ankle boots refuses to die!
And so I have two choices.
I have to either get out of bed and face the day silently hating everything (DAMN YOU TOOTHPASTE LID- WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS DISAPPEAR?!), or I can lay there for a few extra moments, close my eyes and imagine a better world.
And you know what I imagine?
James Earl Jones is my neighbour. Peonies grow like weeds and the Bratz dolls have been outlawed. People chuckle more. Vacuuming mysteriously gets done, but no one ever has to do it. Nothing makes George Clooney happier than brushing my hair as we picnic in a field of wildflowers. More people know how to waltz. I’m fluent in Italian.
Lemon trees scent the air everywhere I go. I have a Southern accent and say things like “my stars, I need that man like a submarine needs a screen door!“. Gluten has been annihilated from the face of the Earth. There are more reasons to wear ball gowns, less baby polar bears drowning because of global warming and my alarm clock is a cute puppy (one that looks like this) that licks my face every morning at precisely 7am.
I bring all of this up because tonight my legs feel dry and the candidate I’ve settled on did not win. And tomorrow morning the wretchedness of this evening will all come flooding back to me in bright, high-definition clarity.
And my legs will be dry.
So, I will lay there for five extra minutes and think of puppies and peonies, of lemon trees and George Clooney and then I will get up and face the day. And I will put lotion on the legs- because unlike the election, dry legs are something I can control.
That last sentence was so deep you might want to read it twice.
*Did anyone else notice the hot carpenter who rocks 5 o’clock shadow better than anyone from Desperate Housewives standing behind John Edwards? So Huck has Chuck and now John has the hot carpenter. I’m excited to see who comes out next. Fingers crossed Janice Dickinson supports someone. I would love to see that train wreck.
Isn’t that puppy the best, most adorable thing ever? I think I would melt in a puddle every time I looked at it if I owned him. I mean, he is all white with spots on his nose! Spots! On his little cute nose! I’m glad you appreciate the serious things I post on my site. Puppies with spotted noses are serious business.
I also agree there should be more reasons to wear ball gowns. I’m thinking blog meet up, ball gowns and spot nosed puppies are required.
Jamie- I’m with you. I freaking love that puppy. It’s like, a big ball of cute.
Awww, I loved this blog. I’m feeling your pain right now. Nothing seems to be going my way, and this cold, dreary weather is bringing me down (while doing nada for the skin…)
Oh well, let’s plaster a smile back on our faces and keep our chins up. Spring will be here soon!
that carpenter is ripped.
and that puppy is ah-dorable.
just call me captain obvious.
Heh, you never know. Maybe a cute carpenter who runs a snow-shoveling business on the side will show up at your door holding a cute lost puppy looking for a home. He’ll bring along George, of course, who’ll also be looking for a home. Then he’ll go plant peonies and lemon trees in your backyard. Hey, if you’re gonna dream, dream big.
You had me at Sahara. All your posts are so deep I have to read them twice. It’s my burden.
I missed the carpenter, but I did notice my favorite actress from 90210 got a role on NBC starring with Brooke Shields. Too bad I can’t remember her name.
peonies, chuckles, fluent italian and lemon trees! this post kind of made me want to randomly sing the favorite things song from the sound of music. because uh, thats not annoying or anything. found you through damsel and i know this seems a bit fast, but you might be my new favorite blogger.
George would still brush your hair if you didn’t use shampoo to wash it – promise! (I just asked him and he said yes) The trick is to make sure you scrub your scalp really hard, and will probably need to wash every day for a little while until your hair gets used to it.
I’m with you. The world always looks more fabulous from underneath the doona.
Is it bad I read peonies as penises, and was kind laughing hysterically at you blatantly admitting you were closing your eyes wishing they would grow like weeds…?
A picnic of wildflowers and George Clooney? I’m closing my eyes right now.
“Nothing makes George Clooney happier than brushing my hair as we picnic in a field of wildflowers.”
And this is why I heart you.
He didn’t lose. He just lost NH. Hang in there sister. It’s a long road.
I like this. Nay, I love this. I want to go back to bed just so I can try this
George Clooney is not my type, but Peonies and lemon trees are perfect. What a wonderful world would that be! I absolutely love your ideas for a better world!
Can I come live in that world too?
Election induded depression this morning? It certainly was a surprising night…but the race is far from over. Your boy could still pull this out!
Brandy, you never cease to amaze me…every post is brilliant!
Hahaha I smiled so big (largely?) at your imagined world. Seriously- you’re hilarious. You mind me of one of the girls at Go Fug Yourself.
Nothing is absolute until Super Tuesday! I’m not letting anything get me down until then.
“my stars, I need ______ like a submarine needs a screen door”
I am going to try to use this phrase (inserting different words each time) at least twice a week now. I might or might not give you credit when I do so. Just, you know, a heads up.
xoxo
In a perfect world, the Sedaris clan would adopt me. Oh how I’d love to spend Thanksgiving wedged between Amy and David. Wouldn’t that make life grand?
Sorry so glum! But on the upside, your post was awesome! I loved it. And in my perfect world, I’d be BFF with Augusten Burroughs and Jen Lancaster, and my hair would always look perfect, whether straight or curly. We can all dreamN can’t we?
I have my very own cute puppy alarm clock (goes by the name Maggie) – unfortunately, she HATES morings more than I do and encourages the continuation of teh warm snugglies as opposed to kicking my sorry self out of bed to face the day
and the dry legs? you live in Alberta babe, them’s the breaks ….
My gosh, you are great.
I’m going to be talked about as “the girl that laughs while alone in her office” now but it was TOTALLY worth it.
**taking notes**
…stars….submarine….screen door…..
fabulous fabulous blog. i’ve been having one of those days, weeks, years.. you know. as for the southern accent, it kind of comes and goes with me!
i’m sorry you are having that kind of day – but not that sorry because then i get to read great stuff like this!
re: hot carpenter
- okay – i TOTALLY SAW THAT HUNK OF HOTNESS standing on the podium, and my first thought was: “is brandy seeing this??!!!”. i fully tuned out the actual ballot results.
- i’m glad you’ve laid out the peony fantasy for me. i woke up this morning in quite a funk, but could not figure out why. could it simply be the NH results? surely no.
- p.s. I am fully in favour of Hillary Clinton as Vice President, because I think she’s a hell of a manager, a compromiser (just look at her marriage), a realist (again, I give you exhibit A. I’d like to say I’d have divorced Bill and made him beg and woo to get me back, and then stump for me on the campaign trail, but who are we kidding, I’ve barely recovered from my 4 month summer romance). But I am now openly and solidly behind Barack for President, because I think that managers should manage – that’s what the public service is for. And advisors, and lobbyists, and managers. But the man at the helm should be our great inspiring hope, pushing us to think bigger, reach farther…
all that stuff from the West Wing episode where Josh or whoever says that government should be more than just a bank machine and pension delivery service. Maybe it was Will, when he advised Bartlett to say that he could deliver a cure for cancer in 10 years. Anyway, it doesn’t matter of Obama is a liberal dreamer who can’t achieve everything he sets out to do.
A county with that much power and that much wealth has got to dream, no?
Ankle boots must die.
I do that “lie in bed because I refuse to face this world” bit too. Unfortunately Clooney never shows up. I’m blessed with having an elementary school next to my apartment so I listen to the bell ring and the laughter of children, the sound of the wind against the trees and stare at my hands in the sun beam cascading through my window. This usually makes me remember that my world, for the most part, is glass half full.
Also I have decided that “my stars!” is going to be my new phrase.
Hot Carpenter Alert!!! HAHAHAHA – GMTA
Oh yeah, the highlight of my election night too.
Hang in there sistah. It’s a GOOD thing IMHO that Hillary squeaked out that win. It’s ever so much more interesting for everyone if there is a bit of a battle. The issues will be debated more in depth and the excitement within the electorate clearly is growing. I want the country to have a reason to pay attention and having a woman and a black man vying for the nomination is a damn fine way to do it.
Oh, and about George? In your fantasies, he is cloned right? Because he rubs my shoulders and brushes my hair all the time
hot carpenter behind John Edwards? you’re giving me ANOTHER reason to further support this man? ack!
though Clinton had Albright the other day and she is my biggest, baddest hero. i had the luck of seeing her in passing when i was in Australia in 1998 and i think i nearly screamed.
I DID read that sentence twice and it WAS deep.
Also, I suggest the kind of toothpaste with the little attached cap that can’t get lost. I love that kind.
Amber- Yeah! I could use some spring. Although, I will have to say goodbye to my fantastic collection of toques to do so…
libby- Yeah, I really took my time finding a picture of him…. there were so many good ones!
geekhiker- Your comment? Made my day.
shanti- Ohh I should have included some Julie Andrews in my post. Dear God that woman has it going on. And thanks for stopping by!!
Zosia- Ha! I love that you are that close to George you can ask him about such things!
Mez- Yeah. I had to spend a few extra moments today collecting myself after watching the last episode of the West Wing last night in a hope that it would cancel out CNN. It didn’t. It just made me sadder.
Elieen Dover- I SHOULD have said penises. Growing like weeds though? Maybe not so much.
Tiff- Isn’t that just such a happy thought?
cdp- Aww thanks!
CableGirl- Yeah. You are right. I need to try and stay stable throughout this whole thing or else I will just be a ball of nervous when it really starts getting intense.
rye- Do it! You will get out of bed and be so much happier…
Tori- George Clooney is not your type? Tori, are you completely mad? Have you seen the man in a suit? Okay, I’m done judging. Lemon trees- I want one.
Lisa- Absolutely!
AM- I’m not sure if calling in to work saying I can’t teach today because I’m suffering from ‘election induced depression’ would ever work- but I MIGHT just be trying it one day (fingers crossed we never get to that point though). And thanks for your kind words! So nice!
Lisa- That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Miriam D- Oh man. Super Tuesday. Is it completely insane that Feb 5th is marked down in my agenda and is circled? Just in case, you know, I completely forget?
Nicole- Isn’t that the greatest saying ever? I once spent an entire day with a friend reading up on Southern phrases and terminology. I did this because a) it was interesting as hell and b) I was currently hating my job.
Paige- You would be eating turkey sandwiched between genius. I do not think it could get any better than that.
Lacey Bean- Ohh perfect hair, how I long for it! And I agree- we all need to be dreaming of this perfect world. I mean, how else does one every get out of bed?
Kathryn- That was ‘tough love’ you were just practicing there regarding my legs, wasn’t? As for Maggie- she is cute. How was her birthday?
justrun- Your comment made me laugh. The only person who witnessed it however was the fat bulldog who drools so much it’s like her mouth is a leaky faucet.
SWF42- Good! I love that this message is getting across…
kristin- Well let’s hope 2008 is better for the both of us. But, even on the good days I still want to imagine George Clooney brushing my hair. It just makes me happy.
Anne- I’m glad you find joy in my misery.
HC- Yeah. I honestly hadn’t made up my mind about who I was going to support (and yes, I like how I say that like I’m voting) until I watched the NH debate. Hillary said “making change isn’t about what you believe, it’s about hard work”. And right there? She lost me. I would really love to see Edwards win, but he just doesn’t have the support, so I’m happy with Obama. Also? Whoever let hot carpenter stand directly behind John was a fool. Who even remembers anything Edwards said? Not me. I was too busy staring at that tall drink of water behind him. Poor planning!
Shannon- Yeah. Ankle boots. The thing is, people wear them and I can say that I don’t always think they look bad. But I’ve never seen someone (celebrity or otherwise) where a pair and think ‘those are the BEST shoes for that outfit”. There are always better shoes than ankle boots. And THAT is why I detest them. Also? Your wake up routine sounds fantastic. I’m a little jealous actually.
tpgoddess- See, the thing is if I felt like a Hillary win would bring it back to the issues I would be excited. But after she went so negative and Bill called Obama a ‘fairytale’, I think she’s going to use that sort of campaign as her fuel. I hope not though.
AlieMalie- I should have said he was naked. I think EVERYONE would have watched the next primary.
Jess- Ha! You made me laugh. I’m going to have to switch toothpaste tubes. This missing lid every morning is driving me insane.
Ankle boots be gone! I am so over that fashion statement & let’s not even get into leggins.They are not cute. Sorry. It’s so funny how somethings like our legs being dry can totally ruin an otherwise perfectly normal day.
In my world there are tater tot rain storms.
I’m not concerned with the primaries, I somehow have hope that America will make the right decision.
The lotion line was deep. Some of us can write forever and not attain a line like that. I am now reminded why I began learning from you. Send it to Hallmark. Seriously!!!
seriously what the eff is up with ankle boots. and chuck norris? AH
it absolutely was tough love – I had to go to Ontario over the Christmas break and my own dry legs are only just now recovering back here by the ocean
and Maggie had a fabulous birthday thasnk for asking, though I am sure she would prefer that I not ration her cake so much
jesus christ, you are funny. (i mean that as in – you are funny. so funny i need to use the lord’s name in vain funny. not that jesus doesn’t deserve this a shout out here and there for his sense of humor. i’ll head over to GodTube and do that there though)
i mean, i really love you. every line in this post is quotable. i began copying and pasting so i could say “this one, this one, i like it! it’s funny”. but then i realized i don’t need to copy and paste your whole post on your comment board.
this post sounds like i’m high. but, i’m not! that’s just the effect you have on me, brandy.
*this COMMENT sounds like i’m high.
that typo? further proving that i’m not.
Meow!
Ha!
Why DOES TBS do that to us?
I wish I could get into politics. Oh I wish. I’m just so unimpressed by these candidates. Maybe it’s b/c I’m from NC and I know thta John Edwards is a crooked ambulance chaser. I don’t know. I see the primaries interruption during the only scheduled new hour of tv and I sigh with contempt.
Thanks for coming by my blog. I love having new people to read. Maybe you can educate me on the politics side of things and I can entertain you with my randomness.
Ah, you’ve described heaven.
And I totally get election-induced depression….after my country “elected” President Bush the first time, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get out of bed.
I’m sorry – I can’t think of anything more coherent than “awww! puppy!”
just have to chime in and say i’m so glad someone else noticed Hot Carpenter. because i literally sat up on the couch (i had of course been in some sort of semi-horizontal slump prior to his appearance on screen) and said to my boyfriend, “who IS that insanely good looking man behind john edwards???”
and i then proceeded to just stare at him while edwards talked for the next ten minutes!
This was such a great post, there just are no words. I’m speechless, which is pretty crazy considering I’m a blogger.
Well done. That is all.
I missed the primaries because I was out drinking German beer with my handsome boyfriend.
God, my life is hard.
Thanks for the recap. I would rather read your recaps than CNN.com any day. (Unless that silver fox Anderson hopped out of CNN.com and read them to me in bed while he fed me peeled grapes.)
I was watching CNN the other day and I thought “Anderson Cooper is HOT!” You have made me see the light. Your posts always make my day.
I don’t suppose that the “hot carpenter” comment was a thinly veiled reference to having Jesus backing Edwards, was it?
OMG- I think you’ve got something there, next debate host, Janice!
You deserve the five extra minutes!
My stars! Those 5 more minutes every morning would make SO many grumpy people that more tolerable… or at least sleep in so that they miss their day and let us go about it in peace!
RE: election – as a Clinton girl (but honestly if OBAMA! or Hillary win I am happy; so long as it’s a democrat I am good!) just think that NOW the race can get interesting… I mean, this kind of drama only happens every 4 years
And to be honest, OBAMA! has SO much support that in my heart of hearts I believe he will eventually be victorious – but let’s have a good show of it while we have the chance to watch!
Can I come live with you in your fantasy world?
I love dropping by this blog! Alway so amusing and thoughtful! Thanks for sharing.
PS. And GO OBAMA! GO! I’m already hoping for South Carolina and Michigan.
somedays i wake up and i wonder…”what would the world be like if i could write like brandy?”
THAT would be a lovely world, much like your JEJ-neighboring, peony-growing, happy world description.
i love reading your stuff. thanks for letting me hang out.
I have the hots for that Carpenter. I’ve always wanted a Carpenter.
I also have puppy fever, that picture was lethal. I might have to run out and adopt one of the strays that wander about this teeny pueblo.
Hope your dry legs feel tons better
I will steal your feel happy day dreaming for my bad hair days,
Semichrmd- Yeah… the thing is leggings can be okay sometimes I think. If they are apart as… a layer of your outfit. The pictures of Lindsay wearing almost see-thru leggings and then a short shirt, that’s not good. At all. No one benefits from that.
dustin- I was thinking your world would involve some tater-tot-erness.
MC-Ha! Hallmark doesn’t like my ideas. That’s why I’m thinking I should start my own card company.
Violet- Ankle boots are just… difficult for me to accept.
Kathryn- I think about moving somewhere better for my dry legs. Is that weird? Basing a move based on dry legs? Probably.
damsel- Your comment made me laugh out loud. And thanks. For thinking I’m funny. And for giving Jesus a shout out too. And apparently, Jesus gave Edwards a shout out- so it’s almost like … full-circle. But not. Okay, I wish I sounded high right now, instead of just… not smart. I will try again tomorrow.
Peter- Because TBS is fickle with it’s love? And is it possible for you to lose at Scrabble?
littlespoon- I definitely think politics are something that you can grow to love. I think the trick is finding one issue (health care, global warming, Iraq, the economy, stem cell, abortion) and really educating yourself on it. The parties (and the candidates themselves) differ so much on some of these.. it’s hard not to get interested.
Ally- I love that you put elected in brackets.
Bre- I know. I honestly go over and look at it at least once a day. Jamie must think I’m such a stalker.
kate.d.- Yeah. I said it before but I honestly don’t know what they were thinking putting him right behind Edwards. How is a girl supposed to concentrate when he’s standing right there in all his good lookingness?
qu33nbee- What a nice thing to say! Thanks for stopping by.
Renee- Ha! If Anderson ever gets over to your house to feed your grapes, I will bow down to your man slaying skills.
Elisabeth- He IS a fox isn’t he? And he wears a suit like a real man. I do love him.
Evans- I didn’t think of that, but you know what? I’m thinking Jesus would support a Democrat. As for Janice- can you freaking imagine what she would do? Flashing candidates would be the first order of business.
Ruby- Thanks
Carrie- I get what you are saying, but if I get an ulcer after all this because it was so close- I’m blaming you!
Jennifer- But of course!
Diane Mandy- Me too. It’s funny how much more I realized I cared after New Hampshire and seeing results I did not like.
Carrie- Hey! You are a fantastic writer. Thanks for stopping by!
Emma- Yeah. A carpenter? Would be good.
Ana- They always make me feel better!
“So, I will lay there for five extra minutes and think of puppies and peonies, of lemon trees and George Clooney and then I will get up and face the day.”
I love you even more after reading this, because those thing are EXACTLY what I would think about when I need happy thoughts.
*hugs*
Thankfully I don’t have a fragile ego. I will let this one slide Brandy, but next time your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
Hey I just saw your “secret” on Lisa’s blog and um, I tore all the ligaments in my ankle because I was trying immitate an Nsync dance move. I’m super cool!
That’s a good idea. I’ll help you invest. You might find this hard to believe, but I’ve got a few card ideas of my own.
That’s a great idea. I am doing that the next time I have trouble getting up in the morning…so that should be tomorrow.
mcgee- Truth me told, all of that is nice but I think if I just had the puppy alarm clock I would be 100 times happier.
egan- Okay.
Marriage101- Ha! I love that we can bond over our cool dance moves…
MC- I can only imagine..
Cheryl- Good luck!
In my dream world, both George and JKras will be fighting for my attention during said picnic. There would be a duel and I would nurse them both back to health. In the end, George gets the even days and John gets the odd days. *sigh*
Your lotion line reminded me that I had a roommate who used to say that she’d couldn’t control her life, but she could always control her eyebrows. Philosophies to live by…
Ooh! Don’t forget the fountain of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Because, in my dreams, the fact that it is not liquid does not change the fact that it comes out of a fountain.
Gretchen- Ahh I loved this. Is there anyone better than John Krasinski??
PP- Ice cream? Yes. I love it.
Lol! Funny post as usual! How do you think of so many funny things to say!
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