And then I was naked in front of a stranger December 28, 2007
Posted by brandy in confession of the day, family, holidays, men, oh dear, proof i attract crazy, these are the things that happen to me, what the hell, when i say it anyway, when strangers see you NAKED.trackback
I’m skipping writing a post about Christmas. I will say that CASHMERE was involved (and apparently, CASHMERE has been added to the list of words that must be capitalized along with BUCK HUNTER and OBAMA!) and although I found myself at times frustrated and quite sad- overall it was good. And I can say that it was good because I learned something. And as long as you learned something, it’s got to be classified as a ‘good’ experience. At least that’s what my grandfather told me on the phone. But I’m not sure he can be trusted, he has a sweet love affair with vodka during the holidays. Actually, he’s Ukrainian so he pretty much has a sweet love affair with vodka any time of the year. Now you know where the love of the drink comes from.
I’m house sitting right now. I adore this place. It’s in the country, and although the house is surrounded by trees and deer- the inside is hooked up with flat screen tvs, a fireplace, a hot tub and hard wood floors that my bare feet love. One of my favourite parts about the place is it’s bath tub. It’s so large you could float an ocean liner in it. I’ve taken to having a late night bath accompanied by a glass of wine. I considered listening to some jazz while doing this but that just felt too over the top. If I listened to jazz while in the bath drinking wine, I think I would have to start calling people ‘Bugsy’ and wear a lot of red lipstick. Instead, I lay in the bath reading old copies of Hello! magazine and searching for the celebrity with the best hair.
After I get out, I’ve taken to smearing body lotion all over. This is an important to share for three reasons:
1. It relates directly to the title of this post
2. It relates directly to my New Years resolution plan (more on this in an upcoming post)
3. I think more people should be putting body lotion on in the winter. Skin gets dry and it’s important to moisturize and I wanted to raise awareness of this serious issue.
So the lotion gets put on and while I wait for it to really ’set in’ I usually stand naked deciding on pajamas (and now I think we’ve reached that point in our relationship where you know everything about me), because I think one of the grossest feelings in the world is putting on a robe (or pajamas) while lotion is still on your skin. Tonight I was standing there deciding on which pair of flannel pajamas to put on (and yet I’m shocked that I am single), when the doorbell rang.
I wasn’t expecting anyone so I considered not answering it. But then that illogical part of my brain took over (’what if someone died?’, ‘what if you won the lottery and there’s a camera crew outside waiting to give you 4 million dollars?’, ‘ what if it’s a cute guy who’s lost and wants to come give you a massage while tries to orientate himself?), I grabbed a robe, tied it loosely around me (because I didn’t want it touching my still lotioned up skin) and went to the door.
It was a cute guy (illogical part of my brain= 1, logical part= 0), who owned a snow shovelling company asking if I needed his services. I explained that I was just housesitting, but if he had a business card I would pass it along to the people who lived here when they returned. He took out his card and went to pass it to me, but a wind (or the evil side of God, or the karmic consequence of cheating on an old boyfriend) caused it to fall to the ground. I picked it up and kept talking, thinking that the elevator glance (you know, looking at me all the way up and down) he was giving me had to do with his appreciation of my quick wit and charming banter.
Suddenly I looked down noticed that my robe was wide open. WIDE OPEN. Leaning down to pick up the card undid the already loose loop I had done up because HEAVEN FORBID that my skin touch the robe. And instead of interrupting me while I chattered about snowfall, he just looked at the goods. Bastard.
There was an awkward moment, and by ‘awkward’ I mean that I’m pretty sure a part of my soul died right there on the front step. I politely went back inside and laid on the floor, letting the lotion stick to my robe.
Sigh.
I suppose it could have been worse. There could have been a camera crew.
Umm, best holiday story EVER? Indeed. At least he didn’t make a crude comment about your lovelies. Although he could have complimented you… which also would have been creepy.
Renee- It’s true, there was no comment either way about the goods, but he did have a smile. And my ego likes to think that he would have cut me off sooner if he wasn’t impressed. Either way, I’m sticking with the idea that it was creepy that he didn’t say anything about it being open the SECOND that he noticed it. Sigh. Men.
Oh man… SO so sorry about the robe deal… sounds like something that would happen to me. At least he smiled. As for cap’ing CASHMERE… and long baths with a glas of wine… so for it! Enjoy your new surroundings in the country from the comfort of inside that home. Sounds awesome.
And he didn’t say anything? Or avert his eyes? Hmm, maybe he’ll be back tomorrow night with some wine.
Totally awkward, but a great story!
I totally agree with your feeling about robes and pjs sticking to freshly lotioned skin – it’s just icky and should be avoided at all costs. Well, almost all costs – I think that if I had been in your shoes that the cute stranger would not have had to worry about averting his eyes, because I would just be dead right there. Then he could look all he wanted.
But it was by far the best story I have heard in a long time!
Lucky b**tard.
I mean…
How embarrassing! Maybe he’ll come back and return the favor.
I was *just* going to ask – but did he smile? Glad to hear he at least had the inadvertent deceny to acknowledge the sight for sore eyes he was blessed with…
Probably the best Christmas gift he got in years? So that makes you a generous and giving girl (who probably will never ever loosely tie a robe again).
“I politely went back inside and laid on the floor, letting the lotion stick to my robe.”
There are so many things I could say to this post (about how wonderfully funny and entertaining it was, or how well written), but instead I think I’m just going to say this: I have such a bloggie crush on you it’s unbelievable!!
Oh Brandy, you have the most fantastic stories. I am sorry for your embarrassment, of course, but truly appreciate that you shared this story. I will think of it several times throughout the day and giggle to myself.
I think the work NAKED should always be in all-caps as well.
This story was priceless and I have to thank you for sharing it with all of us! Did you feel a draft of air when your robe was undone??
Ah Brandy… I heart you.
Of course CASHMERE deserves capitalization! I’m so intrigued to hear what your resolution is. And there doesn’t seem to be enough lotion in the world for me in the winter…sigh.
Wow. I guess I’m lucky I don’t mind the feeling of my robe on my lotioned self. Who knows what could have happened otherwise.
Haha, OOF Brandy! I flippin love it. So something that would happen, huh? I do the same thing with lotion… I have a whole system of lotionizing then letting it set while I do my hair, etc. There’s nothing worse than slimy lotion getting on clothes.
It’s fun to have you back. Even though I was far from expecting anything like this…:)
You know. I think that calls for jazz for your next bath. Or, what the heck, resort to the Vodka (I’m Polish, it’s in my DNA to promote a love of the great drink).
Bwah ha ha! Oh, I am so sorry, but your suffering made for a HI-LARIOUS holiday tale! I can top it, though- I once wandered out of bed naked and half asleep, post afternoon delight, if you know what I mean, to stroll to the bathroom. I heard Jim in the living room with the TV, but as I popped in to say hello, realized that the other voice I heard was not the TV but my BROTHER IN LAW who got a nice look-see of my FULL FRONTAL NUDITY.
I still shudder to think of it.
Maybe we WILL come back and return the favor
…hilarious story
Oh my GOD – I would have died right there too! What a perve!
(But can I just say how divine your house sitting job sounds right now?)
I would have laid on the floor too!
Hysterical. It so figures he had to be a hot guy. I am not sure I would have ever recovered from that
Oh my GOD what a great post! Hey, at least you’re having interesting things happen! And yes, body lotion? Essential. Every single day. And it DOES feel gross when you put on clothes. I get ready naked in my bathroom every morning. Kyle doesn’t seem to mind
OHMIGOD.
hahahaha oh gosh that is so funny. and what a way to end the year!!! though i don’t blame you. i hate the lotion sticking to your clothes feeling. hahaha. man i’m still chuckling.
Note to you: If you ever need someone to help house sit the house in the country surrounded by trees and deer, feel free to give me a call.
Note to you #2: Unlike hot guys, geeks are shy and will politely look away and say something while they turn red in the face.
Note to me: Must. Start. Snow-Shoveling Company. (”Mr. Plow, that’s my name, my name again is: Mr. Plow”).
GASP… oh my… um… I can relate to the ‘waiting for lotion to dry’ neurosis… but my goodness. I’m sorry brandy!! How awkward ~ and ungentlemanly of Mr. Plow to a) not pick it up himself and b) not turn away!!
PS: weren’t you cold love?
With all due respect, as soon as I figure out time travel, I’m going to print off this tale and take it back in time to twelve-year-old, 1985 Mike with a little note that says, “You’re SO welcome”.
that’s hilarious and awful and oh so entertaining. it could’ve been worse. he could’ve turned away. take it as a compliment.
holy crap. i’m very glad for your sake that the camera crew wasn’t there!
How did I read this and not comment? What a dork I am.
I bet you made that guy’s holiday, though.
Anyway, that is both hilarious and mortifying. I cannot imagine, and to think how that cold air must have felt!
Now THAT ia a humbling way to start a New Year. Although maybe beginning a new year humbled is a good thing, right? Ya know, as opposed to winning a Nobel Prize or something…
Happy New Year Bran. I hope 2008 brings you everything you desire!!!
Can you say *chilled*? As in your naked ass without that wonderful robe around you? I feel for you when you finally realized it was your body that was getting the elevator look and not your quick wit ( although I give credence to that theory too) You handled it like a pro – now go and put some clothes on and have a Happy New Year! (no streaking allowed!)
Hehe, this story is so well-written! It also sounds like something that would happen to me….
As far as him looking goes though, can you blame him? I’d take that as a complement, not creepy. I mean, he did just look after all.
Anyway, great post, looking forward to reading more!
Oh dear.
Wow.
I bet he thought he’d stumbled into his porn fantasy, with a shovel boy instead of pizza delivery boy.
Poor you!
Brandy, if the picture is you then you have nothing to be embarrassed about ! From what I see you are quite lovley . My only question is didn’t that excite you, even just a little bit ?
ROFL. You are awesome! That is all.
happy ny.
Oh Brandy…that’s just..creeepy…I mean, i bet u were glad about the fact of the absentee camera crew
Anyways, happy new year.
a life uncommon- I’m glad that others are with the cap’ing of CASHMERE. It just makes sense doesn’t?
POTU- Nope, there was no averting, it was just so awkward. Although, it made for some GREAT conversation last night with friends, so I’m thankful we at least had something to laugh at!
Maggie- Yeah, lotion on the robe is not good. Not good at all. But, it is better than strangers seeing you naked.
Wolf- Ha! He did not come back. And if he did, I’m not sure I would answer the door…
HC-Your comment made me giggle!
Paige- Yep, it’s a safe bet that I’m going to be tying my robe up AS TIGHT AS POSSIBLE the next time I answer the door.
Nicole- Aww thanks! The feeling is mutual!
Jennifer- You know, that’s the only reason I shared it- I thought if my humiliation could make someone else laugh- it was worth it!
Airam- Yep, NAKED should definitely be in caps. Especially when it involves being NAKED in front of STRANGERS. As for the draft- nope. I honestly didn’t feel anything different. Oy. I wish I had though.
Jasmine- Thanks!
Cheryl- Resolution post is coming soon!!
Teri- Count your lucky stars my friend, count your lucky stars….
brookem- Favourite new word: lotionizing.
Gany- Yep, I was hoping my post back would be a little more classy and involve a little less nudity, but what can you do?
Sarah- You love the vodka? I could definitely hang out with you!
DH- Oy! You definitely outrank me in ‘worst nudity story’ with that one. I cringed reading it and it wasn’t even me! You poor woman!!
appletini- A stranger getting NAKED in front of me on a doorstep isn’t a favor I want. Even if he was cute. I need a little lead up before hand. Call me old fashioned.
Alyndabear- The housesitting job IS divine! And I think part of me did die right there, but thankfully I had a lot of stuff to look forward to (a friend visiting, New Years…) that I decided to live with the humiliation instead of die with it.
Jo- Why does laying on the floor seem like the only acceptable thing to do after something like that happens??
Semicharmed- I know!! I mean, of course it wasn’t some… not attractive guy. Why is it that the attractive men alway show up when I’m doing stuff like this and when I’m being all demure and lovely, I’m surrounded by the not attractive kind?
Valerie- Yep, I’m joining the body lotion bandwagon. Winter is just destroying my world and lotion is making me feel better. I’m currently enjoying the Victoria Secret kind in the pink jar that smells like strawberries…
libby- I’m glad my escapades that have ruined me forever made you chuckle. Actually, I have to admit- they make me chuckle now too. When I wrote this however, I was about 3432 shades of mortified.
geekhiker- I think I need to hang out with more geeks.
Carrie- Can I just say that I love the nickname Mr. Plow?
themikestand- When you figure out time travel let me know. I think I would have tied the robe tighter. Or you know, stopped talking and looked down a lot sooner… Oy.
kristen- That’s an excellent way to think about it. If he had turned away I’m pretty sure I would feel more mortified than I currently do!!
Michelle- Yeah. I think that was the only thing that could have made it worse.
justrun- I like to think I made his day too. Perhaps next year I will give showings to guys instead of giving Christmas cards. Ahh, I love it when I make myself sound cheap.
MC- Ha! That’s a good way to think of it. I like to think I crammed in all my awful moments between december 25th- december 31st so jan 1st is a new leaf. At least I HOPE that is what is going to happen.
PE- Thanks for your kind words. I plan on keeping my clothes on for New Years. But we will see.
wolfshowl- Hi! Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by!
PP- Your comment made me giggle. If only I had the want/courage to continue the fantasy and using my best Kathleen Turner voice ask him to come inside…
zman- Sorry. Naked in front of a stranger just doesn’t really excite me. Perhaps I’m in the minority on that one though…
mez- Thanks! Happy New Years to you! I’m glad that you found some joy out of this. I’m just starting to regain some dignity from the whole event…
Sanyukta- Yep, I was definitely glad there was no camera crew!! Happy New Years to you too!!
That sounds mortifying! I am with you on the gross lotion skin thing. I have this whole weird habit of just barely patting dry in the shower, putting lotion on while standing in the shower, then wrapping up in a terry cloth robe to finish drying and soak up the excess sticky lotion grossness.
At least you have his number. In my opinion, the man should at the very least be required to buy you dinner after getting a look at the goods…
I am right there with you on the yuck factor of lotion skin touching clothes/jammies. My husband thinks I am crazy (for many more reasons than just this) because when my kids were babies, I would lotion them up after their bath and then hang out in the warm bathroom with them for a bit before I put their jammies on. He said it didn’t matter and that I should get them dressed right away. He said that they wouldn’t complain, and he may be right but I just couldn’t do it to them.
Anyway, your story was awesome! Maybe the guy didn’t know what to say to warn you? Or he was so mesmerized by your beauty that he couldn’t look away?
Ouch! A similar thing happened to me one time. A really hot guy nurse had to hook up some EKG heart things to me but in order to do it properly I had to be naked from the waste up. So some strange guy was putting sticky pad things right around my boobs. Most. Embarrassing. Moment. Ever.
Hahaha…I bet you gave him quite a thrill. Best unexpected Christmas gift ever.
that made me laugh out loud – thanks, love!
and? of course CASHMERE is in all caps, like duh
Lisa H- Yep, lotion + clothing… nothing good can come of it.
AmyD- I’m completely with you! No one gets that good of a look without dinner.
Tori- I’m glad you understand this lotion not touching clothing situation. You’re children are lucky to have you. Also, I’ve read that bathroom steam after a shower/bath helps the lotion set in, so you were really doing your kids a favor.
bastet3- THAT HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!! I know exactly what you speak of my friend. It was so insanely awkward because boobs do not look best sans bra while you are laying flat on your back. Oy.
mcgee- That’s what I keep telling myself….
Kathryn- I’m glad I could make you laugh, even if it left me mortified.
That’s definitely one hell of a holiday present. I think he’ll be telling his friends about the best Christmas he’s ever had for years to come. (Hi, new reader!)
Oh no!!!! Still at least he was cute and you never flashed an ugger!!!
Haha, it happens to everyone at some point right? You probably made that guy happier over the holiday season than any presents he got!