2:39 am December 19, 2007
Posted by brandy in a possible regret, confession of the day, disappointment, jumping off bridges, love or something like it, martinis make the world make sense, men, movies, oh dear, oh look! i have opinions., relationships, self improvement, single girl stories, tequila consequences, the world according to me, thinking, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, this is where I grew up, vague is vogue, what i found when i went looking, when i say it anyway, when it doesn't go my way, youth.trackback
I recently posted my performance review regarding my New Years Resolutions. It was mentioned in the comments that it must have been nice to have stuck with the blog for a year so I could track my goals. And I agreed it was. Which got me thinking, where else did I have written evidence that showed my goals or dreams, how close was I to something my younger self had wanted? How big had I let myself be in my future? Did I predict Britney Spears would turn 83 shades of crazy? What had I wished for deeply enough to write about, but had not wanted enough to remember?
I went searching through my archived emails for an answer (because before I realized that blogs existed, I sent out my thoughts in the form of mass emails. And before you ask 1) Yes, I’m extremely slow when it comes to technology (I hear that there’s a phone out that doesn’t require a cord, could it be?) and didn’t know about blogs for a looong time. And 2) No, I’m not joking about sending out my thoughts in mass email. I really did think my thoughts were worth forcing people to read). I expected to find some emails that detailed my young, hopeful ideas of love and lust, of friendship and family. I expected something to show me how light-hearted and whimsical I was. I expected something completely different than what I found.
Dear: Everyone,
It’s 2:39am. Right now I’m rubbing my leg trying to forget the horrific dancing I was a part of tonight. A man named Colby did not want to stop dancing, and unfortunately I was his victim/dancing partner. I think I might actually have his shoe prints on my feet. I know for a fact that his phone number is written on my arm (why do people give you there number even when you say you don’t want it?) I need to write about something. Some wild, mildly depressing tangent. Brace yourselves.
A few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a friend regarding the idea of love. More specifically, whether anyone who ever spouted that whole ‘ it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”, was right on track or had been smoking whatever the homeless people who loiter in my work parking lot indulge in on a regular basis. I favored the smoking theory, and I have been thinking about it since.
It’s not that I’m cynical, really. It’s just… I have a hard time seeing what it’s all worth. I mean, I guess it’s different if you feel like Juliet and he’s Romeo (but some could argue that a double suicide is a less than lovely note to end on…), but honestly, how often does that happen? (And if it does, how often does it last before it just…. fades away and they forget about you?) Why does the idea of love always come with the word ‘compromise’ and ‘hard work’… should it be work? How much do you compromise before you compromise yourself? And when it does happen, this “magical romance”, there is always 900 gazillion things that can/could/most often do, go wrong. I mean, Nicolas Cage came back to life for Meg Ryan and she got hit by a bus. Even Robert and Francesca seemed okay with it and they only had four days together. Jack and Rose had a week- tops. I’m sure they would all argue it was worth it (the movies were all blockbusters) even if they all ended up alone, but lately I see it differently. (And if any of you email me and talk about how you are so in love that if your loved one got hit by a bus you would just be grateful for the time you had with them… well I may hunt you down and kick you as hard as I can with my good leg)
Maybe it should be ‘it’s better to have loved and lost once, but after that you should learn your lesson and instead take up quilting’, or ‘ it’s better to have liked and lusted and lost, than to never and liked and lusted at all’. I could deal with those. But love! Oh, love. Love is so much more work, such a bigger investment, so when you lose, well you lose so much more. And if you are slow to recoup your losses (like I am), it is even more maddening. (oh, and please refrain from that whole ‘if you want big rewards you have to take big chances’ talk, either. that’s off a no fear t-shirt and i’m inherently against no fear mantras) Sigh. I feel like I should care more, want to love more, but it just seems like so much work and today it just doesn’t seem worth it, or maybe I just don’t feel capable of it lately. Maybe because caring a lot sometimes ends in trouble. Or missing people that you should never miss and sometimes wish you didn’t know about ends in trouble. And yes, I’m fully aware at how awful that sounds. Wow. I feel like I should write a country song- at the very least it would be a chance for me to work my autoharp skillz.
You are all happily coupled living the fairytale.. give me some insight.
I don’t like how this current email goes directly against my fun-loving, carefree, currently living a 9 day self so I’m ending it.
I promise to never watch “Bridges of Madison County” ever again. Cross my heart.
love (the non-work kind),
brandy
p.s. And if I’m this articulate after 5 martinis, I almost feel I should be drunk all the time.
After so much time has gone by since writing this, I have to say- I still feel like this sometimes, but not as often as I once did. And if reviewing the past is a way to measure growth, I’m happy with where I am now- and look forward to seeing where I stand on this issue in a year.
More importantly however, I take comfort in knowing that I’m still pretty awesome 5 martinis in- and still have the guts to cite “The Bridges of Madison County” (because holy hell, do I ever LOVE That movie) to everyone on my email list. I also love that I’m not ashamed that more than anything else- it’s cheesy blockbusters with sweeping musical scores that shape my idea of love and lust and everything in between.
Peace. Love. These are deep topics. My next post will be about table dancing, buck hunter and the fine art of drinking games.
Yah, I gotta agree, although I’m in a happy relationship, if he got hit by a bus I’d be cursing God for ever letting us meet.
Your old mass emails are amazing! I wish I had been on the email list. And if by buck hunter, you mean the arcade game, totally do a post on that. I love that game.
Miriam D- Oh your comment made me giggle. There was a time I sent out so many mass emails one of my friends emailed me back asking ‘how is it possible for one person to have so many random thoughts?’. Your comment was sweet revenge to his question. And yes- I am referring to buck hunter, the GREATEST arcade game ever. (Especially when you alternate between dancing and playing it while drinking a beverage that is strong enough to take the paint off your walls).
ms. brandy? this is when i declare my love for you, your writing, your smarts. i know all too well that the dickface (sorry, alfred lord tennyson) who said it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, must have never gotten his heart wrenched out of his body because his words are deceiving. but then again, he was a man. (oh, what? we’re not man-bashing here?) i loved (ah! love! the non-work kind!) reading your thoughts about the L word.
isn’t it interesting to read things that we wrote long ago? coincidentally enough, i just wrote yesterday about finding an old letter i wrote 5 years ago to the editor of my college newspaper (thank you internets for never allowing anything to die). your email? is far, far more articulate and wise. so now we know, class. emails written 5 martinis in > innocent 18 year old ramblings.
Ha, you had me at the Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage line. God I love City of Angels. You do such a good job of articulating things 5 martinis deep. I commend you on this. Did you have to use spell check? Just wondering. Otherwise you’re really, REALLY good!
And, as you can imagine, we’re in the same boat on this one. My spinster sister.
I read your post in my google reader. I giggled quite often - though you make some excellent points. And I love the blockbuster movie references.
BUT
I came here to comment and what gets me are your tags. Holy hell do I ever love your tags. And dare I say that this post may have the most tags ever?
Out of curiosity, how long ago WAS that written? It’s freaking fantastic! I find it fascinating to be able to go back and get into the heads of our past. It’s certainly nice when you can see actual growth between the times. Good work outta you!
As for love, I finally found it after many years of wondering many of the same things you spoke of in this email, but I still can’t articulate it’s true meaning or origin. The one thing I realize now is that it’s all about the timing. Both people have to be ready and willing to give and receive that which they are ultimately seeking. If they haven’t worked through their own shit prior to meeting each other, it simply won’t work. So, just keep focusing on you and the rest will follow.
Thanks for this blast from the past!
“Did I predict Britney Spears would turn 83 shades of crazy? ”
Probably my most favoritist line ever.
Damn I love you. “love” in the affectionate way too so don’t go twisting my words. I think it’s marvelous how proud you are of your 5 martini output. It’s wonderful you can use the word “cite” correctly after five of those sugary drinks instead of “sight” or “site”. Well done.
I think the movie Bridges of Madison County is a keeper. Good story, good acting, and lovely scenery. More drunk posts please!
Love shouldn’t be all about compromise, but you do have to willing to compromise. I think there’s a huge distinction there, but now I’m getting serious and that’s not good for the goose or gander.
I only wish the crap I used to blog was so well-written. When I went back and read my old stuff last year, some of it was laugh-out-loud funny, but for the most part it was just me being young and dumb :/
Clearly, I need to do this kind of post.
Love is “The Notebook” and never having to say you are sorry. But perhaps me lady mixes up 2 very important distinctions- love and relationships. Love is easy, relationships are work. Love can be an independent experience, but when you attach it to a relationship it has to co-exist. It’s like the ring and Gollum…often distorted when merged…oh yeah, ove is a many splendor things, for good, cliched, measure…
I am left wondering, what could she do with 6 martini’s under her belt?
I just love the idea of your mass emails. How great that you discovered blogs - the perfect medium for something you were already doing. It’s.. like… magic…
And what an interesting idea for a post - the buck hunter, table dancing combo. Do you mind if I “borrow” that? As a wise (cartoon) man once said “sometimes boundaries can paradoxically bring us freedom” (Daria’s English Teacher) and I’d like to see what I can make of those boundaries
Or 7 martinis? Brandy, I love reading your blog because it’s all the things both love and a good read should be–easy, fun, meaningful, and always leaving you wanting more.
Thanks for sharing!
is it bad that diane mandy’s comment to you just made me tear up, and it’s not even my blog? oof. speaking of needing a cocktail…
You are pretty amazing after 5 martinis - it’s always neat to be able to look back and see your personal growth via your blog posts - you have a zest for living that resonates in your writing and I love it..
Love it love it love it
that is great that you would mass email your thoughts like this before you knew of blogs. blogging in the stone age. lol.
ah, i’ve often thought some of the same things. why is it so difficult? anyway, i’ve come to the conclusion that mostly? it just sucks. and ’til someone manages to persuade me otherwise, that’s my line and i’m sticking to it.
and honestly, i’m not blue or slighted or cynical. that’s just the fact of the matter at the moment. maybe someday my opinion will change, but ’til then, i’m pretty happy single and out of love.
I couldn’t leave a comment at work when I read this on google reader so I sent you that email but now I forget what I wrote. All I know is that 5 martinis in and I wouldn’t know my ass from my head. You = awesome.
You know I’ve actually wondered that myself- IS it better? I’ve never come to any concrete conclusions.
I LOVE that you cited Madison County.
Love IS work…I guess the hardest part is finding someone who WANTS to do the work with you, and is willing to do as much work as you.
Love is too much work and too much perfection - that’s the hard part. To really have it you have to give everything you’ve got to it.
Love this!
From someone who IS in love - it’s always easier to say love is hard work, too much trouble and so forth when you’re not in love with someone and it’s reciprocated back. But, when you’re the one in love - well, all that “it’s hard, it’s too much work, etc” goes away.
Great post!
i agree with trinity2…
ahhh do i miss my martinis.
great post, i’ve been away too long and missed reading your blog.
happy holidays.
how I would have loved to be a recipient of your mass-emails of old!
and the fact that you were conscious after 5 martinis (not to mention completely cohesive and articulate) makes you one of my heroes
confession: I used to write all my college papers more than 2 pages long while drinking a few.
pretty much aced all those papers too 
if they only knew…. hahaha
oops. i meant- all papers that required more than 2 pages. lol. perhaps i need a drink now? jk
As dramatic and stupid as it may be, if my love got hit by a bus I think I’d jump in front of the next one without even really thinking about it.
Great post.
http://www.sparkel.wordpress.com
Have you had anything to drink yet? I demand another tipsy post.
AHHHHHHHHHH. Why do I leave comments for so long? I read them but then forget I haven’t responded… and my google reader is fucking nuts right now. And I just got an email from the “Canadian Dating Service for Singles”. Who gave them my email address?!!
damsel in digress- Oh thanks for your nice words! Yeah… that whole idea of it being better to love and lose always sticks in my throat. It just doesn’t feel right. And I do believe I’m going to have to check out this post of yours that you mention. Blasts from the past are some of my favourite stuff to read. It just shows how far we’ve come.
brookem- Spinster sister, I DO use spell check. Because when I’m drunk and typing, if I don’t know how to spell a word, I put in every possible letter that might be included in it. I also don’t believe in pushing backspace when drinking to fix obvious spelling errors. This makes it impossible to read. Although, sometimes if I’ve hit the bottle a little harder than usual (I love how this is all making me sound like I’m addicted to the drink), I think it’s funny NOT to use spellcheck. See, my comment to egan for an example of what that looks like.
Arm- Ha!! I was waiting for a comment about the tags.Sometimes I get tag happy. I mean, there’s probably about a third of the tags in this post that I just made up FOR THIS POST. Where they necessary? No. But then I think of one and it seems like a national tragedy not to include it. Sometimes I enjoy picking out my tags more than writing the post. I wonder if Tolstoy was alive (and a blogger) if he would say the same thing….
AmyD- Shockingly, not that long. I wrote it in July of 2006. Summer seems to make me more love crazy, or love confused that usual. As for the idea of timing, that’s what I hear. It’s all about timing.
Semichrmd- I do wonder if I ever thought she was going to lose it. Although the stuff with her sister? Yeah. I don’t think Cleo the psychic could have predicted that was going to happen.
egan- I like it when you are serious. It makes me think of Robot Egan. Also, I’m am one of those girls who is proud of her drinking accomplishments. I once mass emailed everyone to tell them I survived a few Irish Car bomb shots and it was apparently the highlight of my life. Although, I think it came out like ‘I loruve IRRRRRRRRRISH cc-bosmbs!’. I let my friends do the translation. It keeps them on their toes.
Valerie- Ahh, grasshopper you are forgetting that I combed through MANY emails to share this one. Some of the stuff I wrote… yikes. There’s a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘totally’s’ and ‘ no one understands me’.
justrun- I look forward to it. You have such a way with words.
Evans- Your point is taken, and I think you are right. In my cloudy martini haze love and relationships got easily intertwined. As for what happens after another martini? I play aggressive buck hunter, steal my beer cup and pull out dance moves that leave my body sore for days following.
Zosia- Borrow away! And I love that quote. I think I need to put that up on my corkboard…
Diane Mandy- What a nice thing to say! Thank you! Maybe my new years goal should be to try and become all those things in my dating life- except easy. Well, maybe. If he’s cute.
brookem- Nope, it’s absolutely fine.Sometimes a few tears is what a person needs. (But after your post today, I suspect you know this better than most.)
PE- Oh thanks! I also have a zest for drinking that rarely makes it to this site, but perhaps I should let it be shown more often.
Mel- Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Michelle and the City- Oh man, I giggle when I think of it! Seriously. I mass emailed for YEARS.
AlieMalie- Yep, I get that. Sometimes I feel if I’m not in LOVE with the idea of LOVE that it means that I must be miserable, which I think isn’t fair. Sometimes I feel too lazy for love. And I’m completely okay with that.
Airam- Thank you for your email, it was so fantastic to get! I definitely needed it. And I agree “Great White North” is code for Canada. And awesome.
POTU- Is there a better movie out there? I could do without the whiny brother sometimes, but overall I love it. And doesn’t the sister sort of look like Miranda from SATC?
appletini- Well said! That makes sense.
Bre- I think you have it exactly right. My problem was (at the time of writing and sometimes still) is that I just don’t feel like giving EVERYTHING. But maybe I just haven’t met the right person.
Trinity2- That makes sense. The people I know who ARE in love never really complain about the work (and the ones who do, well… I’m not going to go down that path), so maybe I just need to keep that in mind.
Trixie- You are back!! I can’t wait to read the baby update!
Kathryn- Thanks! I would love to say that I was articulate because I’m wise beyond my years but I think it has more to do with the fact that at the time of writing that, I was going through an intense… partying phase and 5 martinis just didn’t phase me like they should have. If I had 5 martinis NOW, well, things would be different.
AP- I get where you are coming from. Sometimes a few drinks just takes the edge off and lets the creative juices flow. Although, in my case it resulted in papers that smelled like beer.
Sparkel- Really?? Wow. I don’t know if I could do that. But, this may be because I’m not in love with anyone other than fictional characters (Josh Lyman) or unattainable married men who I wouldn’t want if they broke up with their wife and left their child for me (Jon Stewart).
egan- I think I should start. I get Noel Coward funny when I’m drunk. Actually, that’s not true, but I wish it was.
Mass emails actually triggered me to blog, too. I would mostly do them when I travelled, and got such good responses. The funny thing is that no one who received those emails knows I have a blog.
I’m lucky enough to have my first long term lovely merely fade…. it was actually relatively easy. But the idea of a spontaneously end of my loved one now frightens me beyond anything.
Your comment reminds of this myth; Orpheus and Eurydice. Had he not looked over his shoulder, he would have had her back and forever.
Peace, love and ? I would not mind a third “topic”.
I can’t look back at posts or emails I have written very often. It starts to scare me.
Reading your blog makes me envious of your way with words.
Finding out you sent emails of that caliber whilst 5 martinis into an evening blows my mind.
However, I’ve had many philosophical discussions with my roommate the philosopher while completely inebriated which at the time, I remember thinking, “This is it. I’ve discovered the meaning of life.”
Unfortunately I never wrote any of it down.
As for this love biznass, I had a thought: I simultaneous agree and disagree with both your comments and those of previous posters.
To love and lose in itself, is not so bad. It’s once you through the “R” word around that things get sticky. Those blockbuster romances all revolve around “love” without relationships, thus you’re stuck with only the memory and the wonder of what could have been, all the good, none of the bad. For instance, I had an interaction with a boy named Jordan when I was 10. We had a glorious afternoon in a hot tub and my pre-adolescent mind was in love. I never saw him again. But I still think about him, wonder about him, etc. I wouldn’t want to lose that memory.
Now, if the current Boyfriend was to disappear out of my life, I would unsuccessfully wish away the last 1.25 years of my life from my memory.
I guess it comes down to the more challenging question of “what qualifies as “love” in this situation?”
And I apologize for writing a book on your blog.
PP- Ahh you were smarter than I was. I actually put the LINK to my BLOG in my MASS EMAILS. Oy. If only I had a time machine…
Gany- Hello my friend, you got all deep on me. Actually, I just heard this tale somewhere else recently… I think Sam Seaborn quotes it in the West Wing. As for the third option- I’m with you. Hence the new post. PEace, love and drinking games? Sounds about right.
MC- Mine scare me too. For different reasons- sometimes because they are so poorly written and sometimes I will read one that is FAR better than anything I could write now. But mostly, because they are poorly written.
Shannon- Never apologize for long comments, it gives me more to comment back to you with! It’s funny, I can completely relate to that whole ‘I’ve discovered the meaning of life’ feeling you get after some deep talks. I actually DO write those moments down but when I look at them the next day (usually on some beer stained napkin) all I get are some crude words, a smiley face and a phone number of someone I AM NOT going to call. But at least the thought is there that I’m attempting to write it down. I like your story about Jordan. I used to always wonder about the people who changed me, who left an imprint in my memory. Now I’m more interested in wondering who is thinking of me? Who did I do that to? It’s such an ego boost.
I don’t know the answer to the whole love/lost question. Ask me when I’m 90. Maybe I’ll have it figured out by then…
Ok, I am comment #37. I wonder if u will even see my comment, BUT, great post. Very cool read!
I’m with you on this one. You have no idea how much I enjoyed this post!
geekhiker- Fingers crossed we both will.
angie- Of course I will see your comment, I’m all about the late commentors… probably because I’m usually one of them myself!
emma- Thanks friend. Enjoy your holidays!