Peace December 18, 2007
Posted by brandy in confession of the day, jumping off bridges, learning, life lesson, self improvement, the george, who needs a self help book?.trackback
Peace.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this word lately. It’s been coming up in Christmas carols and is stamped on my holiday cards. My glossy magazines are encouraging me to find it in myself and Oprah raves of how it’s changed her life. We wish it upon others, in the hope they can find a content calmness and we admire those who’ve attained it (Yoda The Dali Lama, I’m talking to you) for themselves.
I’m a person who struggles with peace. I’m a woman who reviews my mistakes regularly. Reflection is my self-imposed torture device. I lay awake thinking of the guy I turned down, the shoes I didn’t buy, the trip I didn’t take. I bring up each memory, recounting every detail. And then, I fold it gently back up into my brain and bring down the next one off the shelf. A constant barrage of “You should have…”, “Why didn’t you…”, “That was awful that you..” ring through my ears. It’s hard to find inner peace when you want to curb stomp the part of you that is always so quick to judge. Who highlights what you wish you could forget. Who types up your flaws in 36 point font and flashes them in your head when you should be counting sheep.
Recently however, I’ve found myself feeling more peaceful. My life has not changed dramatically, yet I’m feeling more content than I have in a long time. Of course I still think of what I’ve done wrong in my life, but without the help of Oprah or repeated viewings of Star Wars, I’ve found a way to forgive myself. For the mistakes that I made, the words I can’t take back, the people I let go.
Who knows how long this moment of Zen will last. Whether I will go to sleep tonight and dream of George Clooney or lay uncomfortably in my bed recalling how awful I was that I once made my grade 6 crush cry, eventually I will sleep. And if I do fall off the Peace wagon, I will try again tomorrow. I will think of what has past and how I cannot change anything but now. I will wish to remember how good it feels when I realize I’m not angry about anything. How much better my body feels when it isn’t curled tight, each muscle filled with anxiety. How much more I enjoy sharing compliments than complaints. How it feels to have a light heart.
I will wish for peace.
I know whereof you speak. My biggest problem is similar in that I tend to over-think and over-analyze everything, rather than just going with the flow of things. I think my life would be a heck of a lot more peaceful if I could just let go sometimes. I’ve gotten better about it over the course of this year, but it’s far from become habit yet.
Keep in mind, of course, that there is no such thing as too many viewings of Star Wars.
I will wish for peace for you as well. Peace, and a good night’s sleep!
WOW. “Reflection is my self-imposed torture device”. No WONDER I get you… wishing you peace and less self reflection… at least that’s what I think I need! Merry Christmas my friend!
Ah this rings familiar.
It’s crazy how we find our identity–or obsession–in our weaknesses and flaws rather than in our strengths (or creator). And when I distill this sort of thinking down to another level I see that I’m struggling to see value in myself when I’m not perfect rather than resting in the peace of knowing that my perfection (or lack thereof) and my value are not related in the least.
Glad you’re experiencing peace Brandy!
We could be twins. In fact, thats the reason i’m still awake at 2am. I can’t stop THINKING of all the past things and how i could have done them differently. I think my life would be so much easier, and my insomnia so much less if I would find this peace you speak of.
Have a good nights sleep
Amen to that!
Beautiful post. I’m also a before-bed re-hasher, but somehow as soon as I’m done reviewing the days events, the peace takes over me. Or is that sleep? I’m not sure.
Here’s to lots of peace and serenity to you now and in 2008!
I gave up regretting past mistakes a while ago because it’s such a waste of energy. Regardless, I’m a stress puppy, always finding something to ponder at night. Still if I were you, I wouldn’t reflect back on too many things from the past–except, of course, if the guy your turned down was George Clooney!
This was such a beautiful post and one that I really relate to. Especially the part about paying compliments is so much better than sharing complaints.
I’m trying to relax and find some inner peace, but its hard. I’m the queen of regrets at the moment. This usually happens around the end of the year.
Happy to hear that you’ve managed to find some peace though.
Peace is nothing if not small moments.
I’d like to say I’m someone that has it all the time, but I don’t think that’s what’s planned for me. I need the chaos to remind me.
All the best to you, dear.
You may not want to hear this, but it’s possible that your newfound successes in finding peace may have something to do with getting older/wiser. Or maybe just wiser, eh? I’m glad you’ve found some.
sometimes i like to look at “peace” in small bits and pieces. taking small moments out of my day to reflect on the things in my life that are good instead of complaining all the time. being at peace with myself for a whole five minutes. i think that’s where to begin
I don’t want to sound preachy, but I totally found an inner-zen after reading the book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney E. Martin. It’s very recent, written by a 20-something who also struggles with that dissenting voice in her head. You really ought to look into it.
hoping you peace for another night and another year!
Does this mean our days of trash talking other bloggers is over?
geekhiker- I’ve seen one Star Wars movie total. The one with the ewoks. That’s it. So I can see how someone might think I may need to watch a few more. As for the overthinking, it’s such a time waster isn’t it?? I find that sometimes after a long period of thinking about something I can’t change I will remember that thinking about it all doesn’t actually CHANGE any of it. And then it feels like a waste. Yet, I keep doing it….
a life uncommon- Ohhh I’m glad someone gets that. Other girls torture device is too tight jeans that they keep to remind them they don’t fit into them. Or staying with a bad boyfriend. Or a gazillion other options. Reflection? Yep. That’s mine.
Ally- I loved this comment.And I wonder that too (although you said it much better than I), that why do I find myself defining myself by everything that I didn’t do and mistakes that I made instead of everything I HAVE accomplished? Something to ponder. I think doing so will put my brain on the right track.
Ashley- Yep. I’m pretty sure my insomnia is 99.98% related to the fact that I think too much. The other .02% is my addiction to the West Wing.
brookem- Ahh, I thought ‘the crazy’ part of you would be able to relate to this…
Tiff- Oh thank you! Maybe I should start drinking heavily before bed so that the sleep comes quicker??
Diane Mandy- Ha! No, he wasn’t George… if I ever turned down even the opportunity to lay my bare eyes on him in person…. well… I’m sure I would still be weeping and unable to utter complete sentnences.
Hope- I think it’s the end of the year that’s causing all this self reflection. There’s just so much to think about. Although, I think I might want to break up this ‘intense reflection’ into bits and do some of it in July when I can sip margaritas on an outdoor patio while I’m reflecting. That sounds like a plan for next year.
justrun- Well said!!
wolf- I think I’m one of the 13 people in the world who actually get pumped about the idea of getting older. So if that’s what’s causing this Zen moment, I’m all for it!!
MATC- I like how you worded that. It sounds like what I’m trying to do. I’m working on getting through a whole night now. Progress has been good!!
Renee- I will check it out. I’m always looking for a good book to read.
Anne- Thank you friend!!
egan- No because I never get tired of trash talking. Especially when it comes to you and Scrabble. Or when it comes to calling people to discuss the fact that Britney’s sister is pregnant. What. the. hell.
I’m glad you’ve found your peace. Here’s to staying on the peace bandwagon! I’m still running after it and hoping to hop on someday soon.
Emma- Fingers crossed you find your way!
Oh you bet your ass me and My Crazy relate to this. That’s what you were saying right? Because I do. My overanalytical self and all, neeeeds some peace. My mind needs some peace right now.
Egan’s comment made me laugh.
That is all.
Are you by chance Catholic?
I just ask because I grew up with a dad who was riddled with “guilt” and a grandmother who was a martyr in every sense of the word. As you can imagine, there is now no end to the “Sheesh, you’re so hard on yourself; you must be CATHOLIC” jokes.
Either way, I’m glad you seem to have found a peaceful valley. I wish for you in 2008 (and always) that you can stay right there and give yourself a break.
Phew, I thought we’d have to end our “bff” status. Now I can sleep tonight.
brookem- Yep… I was referring to your crazy. And egan made me laugh too.
AmyD- Nope, not Catholic- though I can see how my post would have people wondering….
egan- If we ever do end the BFF status, I want the other half of the BFF necklace back.
You’ll have to sue me for it. I want my little piece of Brandy.
Damn you and your intellect with Scrabble.
Great post and very fitting for this time of the year!
to be able to quiet the voice in your head, to not overobsess or stress the small stuff…that’s truly a blessing. what’s your secret?!? i gotta get on that!
egan- You know, when I moved away for school, I cleaned out all my old jewelery boxes and found a few half BFF necklaces. The sad part was I wasn’t sure who had the other half. At least now I know, if I ever buy one again you want the other half. I mean, the necklace is so versatile, you can wear it with anything. Definitely a piece to wear all year round.
Airam- Thanks friend!
libby- Oh honestly… I have no idea what the secret is. I think if I did, I would be writing a book about it. Although, my brother is the most laid back person ever and whenever I begin freaking out about something he always says ‘are you even going to be caring about this next week? next month? next year?’. And that really does minimize my problem into something I can manage- the idea that by the same time next week I will probably have completely forgotten about why I was so upset.
i struggle with this too but it feels so good to realize you are content despite everything not being perfect.
I, too, am a notorious ruminator. However, lately the notion that I am still happy with my life now, despite all the bad decisions I could ruminate about, gives me a little peace.
I find that I end up apologizing to people at least two or three times a week, and that’s not counting the apologies in my head for the wrongs I have committed…yeah….probably as far back as first grade. Eventually, I get over it and realize that hey, I’m a good person. And then that nasty cycle begins again.
Oh, yeah, I am Catholic and, quite frankly, one of the best things I’ve done to get over that inborn sense of guilt is to date a man who’s anything BUT Catholic. I highly recommend it to any guilt-ridden Catholics out there.
Peace! And Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you…
Forgiving oneself is not a one time event, i guess…
k- I know! I often wonder, when did I start thinking that I was ever going to be perfect? I think expecting imperfections makes my chances of getting an ulcer go waaaaay down.
PP- It’s a good feeling when you get to that place… the place where you give yourself a break, isn’t?
Sarah- Yeah. That apologizing habit is one that I know so well. It’s so out of hand, but it’s a hard habit to break. Fingers crossed that we both kick it in ‘08!
Bungi- Thank you for your wishes my friend! I hope the same for you…