This is my life November 17, 2007
Posted by brandy in disappointment, happiness, i like cupcakes more than gluten, learning, oh dear, seriously, so sappy it hurts, these are the things that happen to me, what the hell, when it doesn't go my way.trackback
There are moments that clearly stand out as examples of what your life is. A day that could serve as a snapshot of existence, where the holder of a photo could look down and get an idea of everything that you are about, what you stand for, where you are going. Maybe it’s the day your child was born, the day you got married. Maybe it’s the day you stood up to your boss, got divorced or kicked a bad habit. Maybe it was the day you graduated university, sang in tune to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” at a brightly decorated karaoke bar, maybe it’s the day you successfully argued your way out of a speeding ticket.
For me, my day was yesterday.
It was Ben’s funeral. I dressed early, swiped on some waterproof mascara and stuffed my purse with kleenex. I got stuck in traffic and arrived at the hall with 3 minutes to spare. I looked around and saw less than 10 cars. That should have been warning sign number one. Although confused, I jumped out of my car, smoothed my tweed skirt and walked briskly to the front door. A woman with cluster of pink balloons followed in after me. The pink balloons should have been warning sign number two. Instead, I look around and see a handful of old women sipping tea out of styrofoam cups and discussing where to place a large cut-out of a teddy bear. The teddy bear should have been warning sign number three. I walked quietly over to the women and asked the one who looked most friendly what was going on in the hall.
“A baby shower of course. Oh! Can you go get the door for Marie? She’s got more balloons.”
I ran and opened the door for the thankful Marie and then grabbed my phone and started dialing like mad. I was hoping to get anyone who I knew was going to the funeral and would give me some idea of what the hell was going on. Either I was at the wrong hall or had come at the wrong time. Thankfully, my brother can always be counted on to answer his phone in times of emergency. After a brief conversation (that included so much swearing that I’m sure Ozzy would have blushed), it was confirmed- I was at the wrong hall. And now, 15 minutes late. For a funeral.
I held the door open for Marie again (apparently this shower had a ‘balloon theme’, or they just really, really liked balloons) and then ran to my car. Gravel slipped quickly into my shoe and as I ran I stepped down repeatedly on two sharp chunks of rock. I let out a little shriek while opening my car door. I turned my key in the ignition and…. nothing. A brief grunt of refusal from my ‘new to me’ car followed by a frustrating silence. I tried again. And again. And again. Until I ‘flooded’ the car (that was the term used by Marie’s sister who was now bringing in cupcakes and heard me in the parking lot). I called AMA and was told that they would be 40 minutes.
I found that my waterproof mascara came in handy as I allowed myself a few minutes of deep seated self pity in the form of tears. Then I hit my steering wheel a few times (physical abuse on steering wheels almost always makes me feel better in times of distress). I dumped the rocks out of my shoe, walked back inside the hall and washed my hands (after physical abuse, washing my hands almost always makes me feel better in times of distress). I helped hold up the teddy bear sign at the front door since I was the tallest person in the hall (I think that was the first time my 5″2 self was addressed as ‘the tall girl’). I ate a cupcake (gluten was the least of my worries at this point) and told the ladies where I was supposed to be. They clucked sympathetic responses, and the one nice lady with frosting stuck to the delicate whiskers above her lip patted my hand. I said goodbye, went to my car and quietly thought of all the things I wished I would have said to Ben. AMA finally honked their arrival, gave me a boost and informed me that I needed a new battery.
I drove into the city first extremely annoyed with myself. I wanted to believe that this incident was an abnormal occurrence, something that wouldn’t be expected, a blip on my otherwise normal radar, but it wasn’t. I wanted to be shocked and amazed that I would end up eating a cupcake with a woman named Enid instead of at a funeral I felt I needed to go to. But these are the things that I do. The things that happen to me. I wasn’t surprised, in fact my first reaction when I realized I was at the wrong spot was ‘of course I am’. Not in defeat, but almost in… surprise that I expected something different. Even my brother wasn’t surprised when it became clear on the phone that I was at the wrong spot spending my time opening doors for women holding a zillion balloon strings rather than at a funeral I had wanted to go to.
The annoyance lifted as I became aware of two things- One, I had missed the funeral completely. It was over and there was nothing I could do. And two, that I apparently wasn’t a person who needed tears and funeral hymns to say goodbye. Apparently I could find a way to say goodbye with cupcakes, balloons and hand pats from kind strangers. And of course, a few moments in my car to say everything I never did.
My day didn’t go anything how it was supposed to. What I expected to happen never did, and what didn’t happen was better than I expected. A perfect snapshot of a not so perfect life. And for that, I’m thankful.
UPDATE: My google reader currently has ZERO unread posts. I can’t remember the last time it said that. EVER.
UPDATE II: I’m far too excited about this (courtesy of Jill of All Trades). If you’ve ever wanted to revisit what happened in the Second Super Special, how annoying Dawn could be with her love of health food or a detailed account of some of Claudia’s more wild outfits you have to check this site out. It feels like Christmas came early.
i love this brandy. perhaps because i can relate so well to it, and also because it’s just so nicely written. i have chosen to laugh at all of the “because this would happen to me, and only me” moments lately. there are so many things lately that all my friends have said “(brookem), definition of something that would happen to you!”… and they’re right. but instead of being annoyed and frustrated at these things, im learning to say eff it, and embrace the situation.
You know, you said it before about American Gangster, but after reading this post, I know for sure that we could be friends if we actually lived in the same country :).
I hope that your day got better, that you were able to say goodbye to Ben and that you are happy to embrace the madness that is your life!
Brandy - This was so well written. I am sorry that you didn’t get to say good-bye as you had planned, but as you concluded, you were able to say good-bye which is what you had truly wanted to do - the place or decorations… they didn’t matter as much as what you felt in your heart.
That must’ve been so hard for you to realize that you missed your dear friends funeral. I’m glad to hear that you were able to see the best in the situation even though I’m sure it took a lot of effort to do that. And you’re right. You didn’t need to be at the funeral to say goodbye. I bet he was looking down on you (if you believe in that) and shaking his head while chuckling thinking, “That’s my Brandy.”
I’m glad these kinds of crazy things happen to other people as well. It ALMOST makes me feel normal
I’m sorry you had to miss the funeral for it, but at least, like you said, you could make your goodbye without the service.
And my Google Reader? Over 100. Sigh.
You know, sometimes I’m completely amazed at how the unexpected can be so perfect.
Now that you’re done with your google reader - wanna start in on mine?
I adore this post. It is such a perfect way to feel about those sorts of days. I am glad you found a good moment in all the frustrating things.
I’ve got to agree with everyone else. This was so well-written and poignantly funny. But beyond that, I am really sorry that you never made it to the funeral.
Hey brandy, first time reader (although that sounds like I just learned how to read!) That was a pretty post, because you got to say goodbye and gain a nice memory of a sad time.
I can’t tell whether to laugh or cry! Or both, I guess.
I think you hit on the real key…what is important is that you get whatever closure you can, and can be as much at peace with this as possible. The funeral would have helped, but if something else helps you get your thoughts in order, that is just as good.
I am glad that you felt better at the end of the day than the beginning, and hopefully tomorrow will be even better
On Friday I arrived at the Toronto airport 25 minutes before my flight, unsure as to whether I was already checked in because a)my blackberry died nd b)Air Canada’s computer system had crashed at 4:30 the night before. I had to run frantically in front of the entire convention of our company’s “future leaders”, and in fact slipped in my high heels and fell sprawling on the floor.
Who’s a future leader now?
Was I surprised? Please. How many flights have I missed in the last two years. Did I confirm my colleagues’ suspicions…sigh. Perhaps. Is it going to make or break me? Not so much. Because even from the glossy floor of an airport lobby, I know how to pick myself up and keep on running.
oh no! what sheer bad luck
but you know, I’m sure that wherever Ben is, he heard and understood you.
and by the way? after my final FINAL of University? I blasted “Celebrate Good Times” and danced in my room. BEST MOMENT EVER.
This is so well written. I can absolutely imagine the same thing happening to me. I know we would be friends in real life. I’m sorry you didn’t make it to the funeral, and I am sorry for your loss.
That is the worst moment ever… when you realize that a situation has left you powerless, and you can’t think of anything but how frantically your need is to be in another situation.
However, I do believe these situations (and this is so cliche) often teach us something. Like saying goodbye doesn’t need to be done in a pre-determined way.
Oh god, I hate when things like this happen - but at least you were able to make light of the whole situation.
Also, BSC? I LOVE BSC. I totally forgot about it! I think I must have owned, like 100 BSC books by the time I was in 5th grade. Claudia was my favorite, even though she mispelled everything. Great blog find.
brookem- Exactly. I think, if I got worked up over such events I would have an ulcer already at the tender age of 26. I would much rather worry about things I can control than those that I can’t.
Sarah- I saw American Gangster last week and thought of you! I enjoyed it, but I found the hat Denzel wears to the boxing match so distracting I was giggling so loud in the theatre. I think next year for Halloween I may go as the Canadian Gangster.
The Exception- Yep, that’s exactly what I think too!
Airam- Thanks friend. Either he was saying that or ‘what the hell? why is she driving that car?’. Either way, things are okay.
OC- Maybe we should start a support group for people with insanely high google readers? I think Bre would want to join….
Bre- Ha! My google reader was at ZERO last night I think for about 27 minutes. Now, it’s over 40 again. NaPloBloHos or whatever is kicking my ass and I’m not even participating. Oy.
YSP- Thank you friend! And I feel better knowing that everyone has a day like this. Hopefully when they do, they get a cupcake out of it at least.
Hope- I see it as more funny than sad (I wish I could have taken a picture of icing in whiskers) but maybe that’s because I’m tired of being sad? That doesn’t sound right, but it’s the closest to how I feel.
Julie Q- Thanks for stopping by!
AM- Thanks for your kind words friend. The truth is, I feel pretty good right now. I think the cupcake helped.
HC- Good for you! I’m sorry that you fell, but glad that you kept on going. I liked this tale. (And can I just say that my dislike for Air CAnada is rivaled only by my dislike for Telus?)
Libby- Nice!! I’m all about dancing loudly to music, it’s such a great way to get rid of all the built up stress that sometimes comes with big events.
Tori- Thanks friend. It’s okay now. I’m still giggling at what ended up happening…
PP- Yep, I think that’s what I got from it. I’m working on realizing that not being able to chose, having no power in a situation is not always a bad thing.
Miriam- I KNOW. BSC was fantastic. I’m going to get all weird and say that I read THE ENTIRE BLOG in the last two days and laughed so many times out loud. The girl who writes over there is a genius!
I’m glad you had your own moment, in your car, to say everything you wanted to say but didn’t get the chance. Sometimes that, along with a cupcake, is almost easier than a funeral.
This was laugh out loud funny but also very wise - we need to remember that saying goodbye the traditional way isn’t always the best and only option. I feel sad for your loss and I am sorry that things didn’t work as planned, but I’ve gotta love your style and class!
I honestly don’t know where to start… I’m speechless Miss Brandy - at the turn of events, at the ending you’re happy with, and how well you told us about it.
Sorry to hear about the course of events that day. I’ve had that type of thing myself, where everything in the world seems to get in the way of where you want and need to be. But despite it all, you said good-bye as you needed to, and that’s what counts.
Ahh, there’s so much wisdom in this. If this “is your life” then you’re doing a damn good job. Trying to get what we can out of a situation we can do nothing about has got to be the secret to life if there ever was one. I think your friend and all who know you would be proud.
Beautiful post, friend. I’m glad that you were able to say goodbye without being at the funeral and glad that you were able to understand that you could say goodbye without being there. I hope that sentence makes sense.
I also agree that hitting a steering wheel in a moment of crisis is quite a stress relief. My steering wheel has been hit many a time. Poor thing.
Oh, and your second update? Holy hell, Brandy!! You just made my Monday with that link. If I loved you before, I have no idea what feeling I’m having for you at this moment. And quite weird, because lately I have been fighting the temptation to re-read my BSC books. Maybe I’ll give in to it afterall.
Ruby- Exactly. I’m pretty sure that before the cupcake waged war on my body, it was delicious and time to say goodbye without other people around was much easier.
Wondy- Yeah, that’s it isn’t? The whole notion that you don’t need so much STUFF to say goodbye to someone. I think that’s what I really got out of that whole day (other than a raging headache and an unfortunate bill from AMA). You can say goodbye to anyone anywhere, and you can remember them anywhere at anytime. Which is why I didn’t join the facebook group someone started in his memory. Maybe that’s a jerk thing to do, but I don’t need facebook to remind me of who I’ve lost. I know.
Carrie- Thanks lady! That means a lot coming from a writer like you.
geekhiker- Yep, that’s exactly it- the world just got in the way of everything I wanted to do. But, in the end it all worked out. I’m still a bit bummed that I missed the actual funeral, but I’m finding I’m okay with how it all went down. (And yes, I just said ‘how it all went down’ because apparently I’m 1/2 gangster today).
justrun- Thank you LG! I’m with you on the whole ‘get what you can out of situations you can do nothing about’. That really does make sense to me.
armalicious- Thanks lady! As for the BSC blog… YEAH. That pretty much changed my life. The chick who writes there is hilarious. And I love that she talks about all of them in a way that I think I would too, if I was re-reading the books (And right now I’m going to say that I’m a little jealous that you still have all yours, my mom made me give mine all to my cousin. Oh, what I wouldn’t do to re-read the book where Logan and Mary Anne break up. That was so golden.) Oh, and apparently there’s also a blog (www.dariburger.com- i think that’s the link) that has a chick re-reading all the Sweet Valley High books. I love the internet.
Oh, sweetie… you did what you could and I’m sure your thoughts were heard.
If I may say so, I think you’re kind of extraordinary. So sorry for your loss x