the one where the roof was on fire October 29, 2007
Posted by brandy in martinis make the world make sense, shoes, things, this is where I grew up.trackback
It starts out simply enough.
I wonder where I put that black bra.
Not the one with the pink flowers, not the sheer one. I need the one that isn’t ‘ho hum’ and I ‘m not looking for the one that’s ‘hey ho!’. I need that perfect black bra that I got in France when “backpacking” was a verb and not a dream. The cheap one that looks expensive. The one that would be perfect under the shirt I want to wear, the shirt that is waiting patiently on my bed. And pretty soon I’m finished wondering and am ripping apart my closet searching for this perfect black bra because suddenly, everything (the setting of the sun! the rising of the moon! the incoming of the tides!) hinges on finding this bra. I push my hair out of my eyes as I begin to search every corner, looking for something I forget that I haven’t seen in years. I have decided that this bra is essential- not only to my ensemble, but to the continuation of the world. Without it, the entire universe will cease to exist.
And then I remember.
It was May 2005 and I was living in a building that was… beautiful. I always described it as being exactly like the Huxtables place on The Cosby show. It was a brick townhouse, on a street lined with trees that shaded me from the fattest snowflakes in the winter and protected me from the brightest rays of the sun in the summer. I loved that house. And I was currently loving my life where my biggest worry was finding a job now that I had graduated university and wondering where all my tupperware lids went. On a whim, I convinced Trout (my fantastic roommate) that we should drive 5 hours to surprise my brother on his 21st birthday. We packed suitcases, closed the door. I did not look back.
Five hours later I was wandering a liquor store, wondering just how many cases of beer were enough for the birthday party of my only sibling when I got a call telling me that my house was burning down. My friend on the phone calmly explained that the whole row of homes was on fire, and 0h!, they just busted your window with an axe. She would stay and watch. Did I want her to call me later?
We left early the next morning, and drove the five hours back. We prepared for the worst and we were not disappointed. Up to that point, I had been very matter of fact about the fire. We had lost our things. We would not be getting them back. The end. Then, as we walked the steps I saw one of my shoes- a pink loafer with brown ribbon stretched across the top. Dirty, stained and soaking wet, and trampled by firefighters doing their job, these shoes were not going to be saved. It was when I started to cry because, hey that was mine and it was wrecked. And how did this happen? And what am I supposed to do now? We were approached by reporters and just shook our head. The fire marshal decided it wasn’t yet safe for us to go in, but he would allow a firefighter to go into our home and get out what we wanted. We had a second to decide what we wanted. I said a photo album and my passport.
It’s funny. You think you know what you want, everyone has answered the question ‘what would you save in a fire’, and of course we all say the same things- pets and photos. The irreplaceables. But when you have the man in the suit standing before you, it’s strange the things your brain will think of in a split second- I wanted my Gap jeans from grade 12 that had a hole at the knee. I wanted the bookcase my mom bought me at a farmers market when I told her I was moving away. I wanted every photo (even the ones where everyone had their eyes closed), I wanted every journal (even the ones that were completely filled with talk of boys who didn’t deserve so much thought) and every pair of shoes (even the ones that I never wore). I wanted the scarf my friend bought me at the flea market, I wanted the new box of rootbeer I had just bought at the grocery store. I wanted perfume bottles that were almost finished, the load of laundry I had folded before leaving, the love letter from a boy who had made me cry. I wanted the smell of the linen cupboard, the squeak of the fridge door, the feeling of the soft carpet under my feet. I wanted everything that I wasn’t seeing, everything that I remembered ever having, and everything that I knew I was forgetting. I wanted.
Eventually they did let us in to assess the damage. It was evening, it was raining. Trout and I walked the heavy steps and glanced around at what used to be our home. We stood where our kitchen table used to be and looked up to the sky. The roof had collapsed. That moment- of feeling walls around me and looking up to expecting a ceiling but instead seeing the sky, feeling drops land on my tongue, watching a violet cloud darken overhead… has been one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever experienced. A mixture of the seeing the familiar but in the bizarre. Like seeing clowns at a funeral. Or tulips growing in your cereal box.
Almost nothing was salvageable. I walked away with a small rubbermaid container that held photos that smelled sharply of fire and Ralph- the teddy bear I’ve had forever. I left behind cracked frames and broken appliances. I left behind over 30 garbage bags of stained clothes, a ruined DVD collection, every piece of tupperware. I left behind a destroyed computer, a blanket from my grandmother and four years of university class notes. I left behind a enough books to fill a library, enough music to last a life time, enough hats to top a village. I left behind every pair of shoes I owned. I left behind the black bra that I bought in France. The one that is perfect under any shirt.
The one I still look for.
Emergencies happen. The Red Cross (through generous donation) states that it currently has enough funds to take care of the current California wildfire crisis, but if you are interested in donating to help when the next disaster (fire or otherwise) hits- donate today.
Wow Brandy. I can’t even imagine losing everything like that. That has to be the most horrible thing ever. Thanks for the link … the Red Cross does amazing things.
Am I a total sap for saying “Aww” out loud that your teddy bear made it? He did make it, right? Oh please tell me he made it…
Airam- It’s actually… kind of a good feeling after you get over it. Because suddenly you have NO JUNK. NO CLUTTER. All those knick-knacks and mementos you wanted to get rid of but felt guilty about trashing, now you don’t have to worry. I lived the minimalist lifestyle for many months after that…
AM- Ralph did make it out. He spent some time in an ‘oxygen chamber’ that the insurance company handled to try and get the smoke smell out of him. A few of my journals also spent time in there for smoke smell and can I say, it’s weird to hand over books of all your thoughts to a complete stranger? I really did want to say ‘no seriously. Don’t read these.’ . Because I’m sure he didn’t have better things to do….
A wonderful post, especially having seen so much destruction so close by for the past few days. Last weekend I drove through Malibu at around midnight. The fires had been out for days, but you could see the blacked landscape everywhere. I drove past the burned down church, and the smell of smoke… it’s unmistakable. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve seen your face on a few blogs I frequent as well, thought I would stop by to say “hi”.
What a well-written post, Brandy! I loved how your bra of all things tied everything together. Definitely of a kind to keep searching for!
I’m glad you weren’t in the house when the fire incident went down, but wow…that’s one surefire (hah) way to make a new beginning.
I was just thinking about this tonight while on the elliptical! Not your fire obviously but what I would want….and journals and photos definitely make my list. Of course, people often don’t get to make a list and pack up. Anyway, I’m sorry that happened. And my wish is that you find another inexpensive-but appears to be costly-perfect under any shirt-black bra:)
I am so sorry about that.
I am with you on the no clutter thing, though. Ever since I moved from my first apartment, I vowed, NEVER AGAIN will I ever keep that much crap in my house. Every few months I empty out a closet and turn a blind eye to the things I want to keep but know good and well I will never use.
Oh wow fires scare the day lights out of me, it is a really big fear. In some ways you were lucky that you weren’t in town, like it was fated that you left.
Great message though. We also have a sticker on our front door letting the fireman know that an animal is inside, in case we aren’t home – that way they can resuce her if need be.
I am so sorry you lost everything in a fire – but I am grateful you posted about the fires here in California as there are so many people close to me who havve lost everything…they, like you, have to carry on and need help. I am doing what I can here and there and I hope that you two got the help you needed then as well. My heart goes out to you and I definitely think you deserve another perfect black bra….
I just found out I’m teaching math all day today at the school I’m at. I also just found out that there is still conditioner in my hair. Which might just be one of the worst feelings ever yes? I hope you all have a better morning than what mine has started out like…
I woke up to the fire alarm in the middle of the night once. It was pulled by some idiot who got kicked out of his girlfriend’s apartment. However, I did take the time to grab my purse and the scrapbook I made for my Mom on the way out. I guess my decision is made.
After reading this post I feel like cleaning out all my clutter though.
And yes, conditioner still in hair is the worst feeling…
I’m going to be moving to another state in the Spring and am already dreading all of the crap I’m going to have to go thru. I love the minimalist lifestyle, though I have trouble following it (I’m a pack rat, whether I like it or not.)
Great story about the fire. Made me think about what I’d save.
Wonderful post.
I believe I need to buy a bigger fire safe.
Fantastic post! I felt like I was “there”!
I can completely relate to this post. We had a fire when I was in 7th grade. Everything was gone. I remember walking through my old house picking up those things I had to have. It’s funny because just Sunday night I was talking to my mom about it. I have a Kermit the Frog, Elmo, Grover and Red the Fraggle stuffed animals from when I was little that I took from my old room. They still have a little smoke damage on them but I’m glad I still have them.
I am speechless. That is one of my worst fears – fire. Good that you weren’t home and didn’t get hurt.
This was so touching. I know you’ve alluded to the fire before, but hearing the whole story is really mind-blowing.
I’m glad you weren’t home. And I’m glad you have Ralph.
I think of things like this, on days when I think I can’t live without my ipod. Or without the right running socks. Or without other “things.” You told this story very well. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. I am sorry you had to go through this but continue to be amazed at your writing skills, or as the kids say, skillz. Did I pull it off? TWSS
My folks have been evacutated from the So Cal mountain fires for a week and a half now. They lost houses on their street, but apparently not theirs, though ym dad gets to go up tomorrow to see. They were with me this weekend and I was amzed at how little they had the time to pack up and take with them…just in case.
I pray it’s a decision I never have to make. Things like this should always make us thankful for what we DO have.
I knew this had happened to you a while ago Brandylu, but had never heard the full story. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt. I mean, I’m tearing up just reading this, so I can surmise (again, with that word, right usage, or no?) that it must have been devastating for you. Thanks for sharing that link… I keep hearing about the fires in Cali, and I can’t get over it.
Oh Brandy! A house fire is probably one of my worse nightmares. I just watch the news in shock as I see some many in Cali losing their homes to something totally beyond their control. I’m so sorry that that happened to you.
Did they ever determine how the fire started?
ay yi yi – could this piece have been any better written?!
geekhiker- Thanks for stopping by! I hope that those who are currently experience the loss of the fire come to find the positives that are hidden in such circumstances. And I hope if they had black bras that changed their lives, they got them out.
Joanne- A surefire way…? Oh dear you are clever. And you are right- it’s a definite way to start a new beginning. Whether you are ready for it or not.
Ally- Ahh thank you lady! My eyes are always open for this perfect bra. About what to save, photos are always worth it. I mean, I never show the photo of me with splash hairspray bangs (I was actually the girl who didn’t curl my bangs- I just spiked them- straight up) and an acid wash jeans/vest combo but I like knowing I have it. Because it’s mine.
Valerie- Yep, the clutter thing was a huge blessing. I mean, let’s face it. There are some things you would feel like a complete bastard throwing out (anything a grandparent/child has ever made you, those clothes you know you will never wear again but were too expensive to let go of, and those random things- funny shaped erasers, teacups that aren’t big enough to hold more than a gulp.. that you never use), but a fire is a built in excuse. Afterwards everything in your home is there because YOU WANTED IT TO BE. And that is a very freeing moment.
Ammanners- Great idea about the sticker! I hadn’t heard about doing that but it really makes sense. Especially in areas where you live when there is a greater chance of freak weather. Glad Ginger is taken care of.
PE- I’m glad that you are doing what you can. A fire can be absolutely devastating, but with a great support system it can be something you can find the lesson in. I was lucky to have a friend who (without blinking) volunteered her home. My time at her house, sleeping on an air mattress and eating pizza at 3am has been one of the best memories I have. She is a good friend.
brandy- Yes, conditioner is the worst feeling in the world. Now, what makes you feel worse, conditioner in your hair while teaching grade 5 math you are unsure about, or responding to your OWN comment that you left on your OWN blog?
POTU- It’s a comforting feeling to know what you would take, even when it turns out to be a scare. And really, he pulled the fire alarm?? I thought distraught men only did that in the movies!
wolf- Yeah, I know what you mean. I lived minimalist for awhile but suddenly… I have all this stuff. Although a fire is a difficult situation to go through, sometimes I really feel like I was lucky. I was able to start fresh out of university without clinging on to so many things from my childhood. Good luck with the packing.
Aaron- You have a fire safe?? Really? I’m impressed.
Dory- Thanks! I wish you would have seen the face my insurance adjuster had when she had to have me clarify a few… ‘personal’ items….
Jamie- That’s exactly it. Suddenly you want THINGS. And it’s strange, we live in a society where saying that you want things makes you feel bad. But in that situation, I understand just wanting to hold your stuff.Glad you kept your buddies.
Katrin- Yep, fire IS scary but I hope that people can see that it isn’t as bad as it can be imagined. I mean, it was sad and I lost things that I still miss, but there were blessings. And I know- we were so lucky that no one got hurt!!
abbersnail- I’m glad I have Ralph too! I’m pretty sure he played a large role in my continued happiness.
justrun- Thanks. I think it’s good to remember that it’s possible to lose everything, but that wanting ’stuff’ or being sad about losing ‘things’ isn’t wrong either. Because I think what it comes down to is not that you are said that you lost the Gap jeans, you are sad because you had no control over why you lost them, but that’s so much harder to understand. It’s easier to just say you are upset about the jeans. At least that’s how I felt.
MC- That’s so scary. The worst is waiting I think. Once I saw what was gone and had one giant cry, it was surprisingly how much better I felt. Fingers crossed your parents place is okay!
brookem- Thanks lady! The Cali fires reminded me of all of this, which just goes to show you how quickly your brain can forget big events when you don’t focus on them. It was scary, but there was also a lot of good that came from it. The no clutter thing, the once in a life time chance to go out and by 10 new pairs of jeans at once without feeling guilty, the fact that everything you own is new…. those were some of the good points. Of course, there is bad, but after awhile, you just try to forget about everything you will NEVER get back. That can drive you crazy (ie. black bra).
pam- It’s funny, we gave our cell numbers and email addresses to the fire department/investigation team but we never heard anything back. I do know that because of the type of shingles that were on all the places that the fire was able to pretty much destroy the whole street of places.
HC- Hey thanks!!
reading this made me really emotional. I haven’t lost anything to fire but I’m attached to “things” – it’s funny how we are.. It would be horrible to lose those things you are attached to – even if the important things are in your heart.
I also have a black bra wth pink flowers on it (we rock).
Just beautiful writing here. My parents lost their house in a fire a couple of years ago. I had already moved out, so none of my things were lost, but I saw what they all had to go through and I think it must have been pretty rough!
Glad YOU made it out.
Mez- Yep, that’s exactly it! And black bras with pink are the shit!
YSP- Thanks friend. I have stuff at packed up still at everyones house.I think it’s part of my ‘hedging the bets’ deal. By having stuff spread out all over at different parents houses, I think I make it impossible for me to lose EVERYTHING. However, it also makes it impossible for me to know where my favourite platform shoes from grade 7 (that are coming back in style) are….
Thanks for the thoughts! I think you are right, the waiting is the worst part…I was trying to write something funny about waiting, but just read that Robert Goulet died. I shal belt out my best baritone is his honor.
I guess I really didn’t need to take up your comments to mourn like that. Whoa, aren’t you glad I’m not moderating your comments or sumpin’ like that
Wow wow wow.
This is one of those things you just never expect to really happen, and you never have a sense of exactly how you will take it.
I once thought my apartment was about to burn down, and it was insanely surreal. Take that and multiply it by a thousand for you, I would guess.
Oh man- I’m not sure what to say struck me more…how you eloquently described what your home and the priceless treasures in it meant to you, or how you humanized the burning of so many homes and dreams in CA….
This post is touching. Thanks Brandy. I’ve been worried as my family lives half an hour from the fires, I’m glad you thought of us.
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