Forgetting on a Tuesday October 16, 2007
Posted by brandy in a possible regret, men, relationships, so sappy it hurts, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, vague is vogue.trackback
“I used to know a guy…“
I was talking with a friend, and suddenly caught myself saying your name. As I stumbled and stuttered, trying to reclaim the words I had already given away, I felt an old frustration seep back into my skin and wrap around the air I struggled to breathe. Suddenly the silence got loud and I became uncharacteristically shy. Because saying your name feels like sharing the secret combination to my heart. It’s as simple as that.
I used to know a guy, implies that you weren’t important- that your place in my life was something easily wiped away like chalk from a board. That you didn’t make a mark in my life, that you were replaceable, your name easily forgotten. That you were a goal to cross off a list. And none of that is true, do you know that? I hope you do.
God you were funny. I don’t think that’s something I ever told you. We always talked about how funny I was. I was funny and you were smart. But you were funny too. In a way that very few people are- in the ‘miss or you blink‘ joke that flies above the head of anyone who isn’t paying attention. I loved that about you. I wish you knew that.
I wish you knew about my neighbour who smokes outside with her pink foam rollers pulled so tight, every wrinkle is removed from her face. You would love hearing of her. I wish I could tell you about the new car, the old job, the moment last week I somehow got a fork knotted in my hair. Those are the stories that I wish I could tell you. I know you would laugh in all the right places, ask all the right questions. But saying all the right things, wouldn’t change anything… we would still be wrong. Sometimes too much history cancels out a possibility of a future. I’m learning that.
We don’t talk anymore and it’s saved me. I’m better off without you. So why do I find myself wistful? Listing off stories I will never tell you, remembering tales we shared that we will never discuss? I would guess it’s because since the moment I said your name out loud, I’ve been thinking of you. And despite remembering the deepness of your laugh, your enviable ability to win at any game, the way your voice changed when you were tired, the details of you are getting hazy around the edges.
You’re forgetting me. I know that. Because despite my want to keep the best parts of you memorized forever, you are not alone.
I’m forgetting you too. The guy I used to know.
You capture that so beautifully; the wistful wanting to share the insignificant with someone, the realisation that whatever character you’ve made up in your head wasn’t really that person.
Distance is good, time is better and chocolate best of all.
It is hard when you can’t decide whether remembering or forgetting is worse.
Well written.
It is so true, sometimes some things, and some people, are better as a memory.
What a beautiful post. It was very powerful and kind of made me weapy. Which I can only imagine what it did to you as you wrote it.
Wow. Very well said. I don’t know the story, but having an experience like that with another person, even if it’s over, can’t be a bad thing.
I can only hope I left that sort of impression on some of my former flames.
The good part of letting these people go is welcoming in people we won’t have to forget.
this is so true for me right now. thanks for writing it.
I love this post. We’ve all been there and know what this is like, but the way that you can put it into words is beautiful.
I used to tell my ex, “I don’t want us to reach a stage where it takes me awhile to recall your name”. He used to reply, “That’s never going to happen.”
Brandy, thank you for expressing that moment in time when you realize how transient life can be sometimes.
tres poignant, love
I love this even though it is a tad sad, but so very true
first of all, really like the “vague is vogue” tag. good choice. im totally down with this post, for it seems with this situation, we happen to be on similar paths/time frames (if that makes sense?). i find myself thinking sometimes too about how *he* must be beginning to forget me more and more with the time that has lapsed. yet, im doing the same.
Ames- I think you go it so well. The idea that… whatever we create sometimes isn’t what the person really is, or was. It’s so easy, once it’s over to change someone, mold their flaws, the problems you shared into something more pretty, more romantic. And sometimes, you can’t. Sometimes you shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s good to remember their ego was too large, or they were insensitive.
Princess Pointful- Or when you can’t decide if you wish you could remember more or if you are glad you can’t. Ohhh the choices!
Manda- Thanks! And welcome!
justrun- Exactly. That’s exactly it.
Arm- Shockingly, I didn’t feel that sad writing it. I felt more.. frustration that there was so much stuff that I’m realizing that I didn’t say. Ahh, is there a more common regret than that??!
wolf- I wonder about that too… about who I left an impression on. I think I like doing it because it really boosts my ego- I assume that I’ve changed the lives of everyone, even when there’s a strong chance that’s not the case.
Kyla Bea- That’s an excellent way of thinking of it. I’m going to remember that!
Sizzle- thanks for reading it!
Beth- Thanks Beth. It’s comforting knowing that something that feels so… private is something that other people can relate to, that you know that they’ve gone through.
Hope- It’s strange how you think some stuff is just going to last and it doesn’t. Wow. That sounds far more depressing than I intended. Good thing I’ve got Britney to listen to on the radio.
finn644- Sad honestly wasn’t what I was going for, but I can see how it could go that way. I think sometimes it’s impossible to talk about the past without it sounding sad.
brookem- Ahh ‘vague is vogue’ came to me in the shower and it just fits so perfectly. I decided that instead of not talking about things that I can’t get into all the details about, I will just be annoying vague. Lucky readers!
This is beautifully written. Thank you. It makes me feel like I’m not all alone with my feelings…and also that things will eventually get better…
I hope.
Ohh, Brandy…
You put everything into perspective in just the right way and amount of words. And I do dearly love how you tag your posts!
“Because saying your name feels like sharing the secret combination to my heart.”
Exactly how it feels…it’s why I always hesitate if I mention or say his name to someone. I get the odd feeling that I also have a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look plastered on my face, too.
“Sometimes too much history cancels out a possibility of a future.”
So very wise! It’s something I’m still learning too…that moving on is learning HOW to move forward by letting go of the small things. Sounds like common sense, but keeping a memory can be hard when trying to make sure that it’ll stay a memory and not a hope for something more. And learning not to fall in love with potential…and reconciling potential with reality!
To say time heals things (or at the very least makes it easier) is cliche…but SO true.
Oh…. you said it very well. I’ve had those feelings before. I hope in time it won’t bring on such feelings.
I have no idea of the history behind this, but in this post I feel like I can relate exactly to you. Well written…and I hope it gets better, whichever and however that would be.
I’m not sure what to say except that what you’ve written is completely poignant. And that I’ll be rereading it now and again. Nicely done.
Wow Brandy. Way to make a girl tear up. I think the part that got to me the most was the “you’re forgetting me” and “I’m forgetting you too”.
It’s sad. But it’s for the best. It gets better with time. It has to.
Such a touching post! I almost feel like dedicating it to someone I knew from long gone, whom I’ve forgotten (almost)…!!
Joanne- Exactly. It’s funny how a memory can be warped into something (or someone) it’s not. My goal, my wish is to remember the person as a whole. I don’t think anyone should be judged by their worst day.
Sue- The one reason I like sharing stuff like this is because it allows me to be reminded how universal some feelings are, how easy people can relate to something that we all (in our self centered worlds) feel is unique to us.
Clarie- Thanks! It’s funny, I think this came out a lot more sad than I intended. I feel more.. wistful than anything, but not really sad. With that said though, I’m hoping the situation improves…
Nic- Thank you for saying that. It’s funny, I always struggle to post stuff like this because I feel bad… sometimes a post doesn’t leave a lot to comment on, and I know how it is when you read something but don’t know what to say about it. I guess just saying you don’t know what to say was something I can totally relate to.
Airam- I’m with you on this- it has to get better with time. Or whoever said ‘time heals all wounds’ was a liar. A huge liar.
Still searching- Thanks! It’s funny when you have almost forgotton someone… what the last things you remember about them are.
Jenni- I missed you! Damn it. I always miss someone. Thanks for your comment. I hope things get better for the both of us. My fingers are crossed!
This was really beautiful, but would I get in trouble Bran if I said this was probably someone I could have been best buds with based on your description…
To help you get over this, I would like you to take over the comments on my blog soon. And I swear it ain’t ‘cuz I’m lazy.
99.9% of relationships don’t work out, but each of them leave behind a little bit of magic memory dust. It’s nice to wallow in a bit, even if you’ve found your .01%. Thanks for letting me wallow with you.
Love, love, LOVE THIS!!!! Gorgeously written, babe.
that was beautiful
MC- I doubt that you would want to be best friends with this person, but if you think you would be, then I can’t get you in trouble for that. And I’m working on a post for you to moderate. Just you wait.
Deb- Hey, thanks for coming to the wallow session!
brillig- Thanks lady!!
Trinity2- Oh thank you for saying that. Welcome!
ok i am late in catching up on blogs but this is such a great post. i can completely understand where you’re coming from. because i know that once clancy and i have been separated for awhile there will be a list a mile long of things i would love to share with him. again, such a great post.
I absolutely loved this – its fantastic.
thank you.
Michelle- Thank you. Hopefully as time goes on you will find that there are things you wish you could share with him, but I completely understand if today is not that day. Things will get better.
disarmingsiren- Oh thank you so much!
This is so beautifully written and poignantly sad. Plus, it feels a little like you read my mind and then wrote down what you found there much more eloquently than I ever could. I’ve felt nearly every single word of this, and still feel most of it even now. Very nice post.
So well written Brandy, its wistful, sad, honest and almost relieved all at the same time.
Lorelei Leigh- I think… when someone tells me that they feel like it’s something similar to what they are feeling, that’s a huge compliment. It makes me feel like, I picked the right words. Thank you!
Ruby- You hit the nail on the head Miss Ruby. Relieved. In the best (and saddest) way possible, that’s exactly it. It’s a relief to know that it’s over, and that I’m not mad at myself (or anyone else) because it is.
I shall reciprocate and do a Garth Brooks for you and come out of semi-retirement in your honor to write a post YOU can moderate the same way Garth broke retirement silence to honor Chris Ledoux in a new song. Yeah, it probably was completely unnecessary for me to state all of that, especially in a run on sentence…but what’s done is done.