We grow up with always. We are always going to love our parents. We are always going to be best friends with Lisa Klein- the only girl in the fourth grade who knows you still like playing with barbies. We are always going to do the right thing, even when it’s difficult- especially when it’s difficult. We are always going to look both ways when we cross the street, when we fall in love. We are always going to say our prayers. We are always going to try our best. Always.

We grow up with never. We are never going to get old, move out, or yell at the dog. We are never going to like mushrooms, or books without pictures or early bedtimes.  We are never going to cheat. We are never going to understand our parents. We are never going to be anything but a teacher, a nurse, an astronaut. We are never going to pay taxes. We are never going to smoke, or drink, or make a bad decision. We are never going to stop believing in what we can’t see, in people we trust. Never.

We grow up with extremes. We live in a simple world, where our beliefs, goals and ideals are outlined clearly in black and white. Then, we get older and suddenly it becomes wise to see every shade of grey. Suddenly our world is filled with words like ‘options’ and ‘adapting’. Suddenly being open to anything, understanding every option, seeing it from every angle is what’s important and ‘black or white’ mentality is immature.

But can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I like black and white. I like sentences that contain always and never. I crave the feeling I get when I put all my eggs in one basket. When I make a statement that’s heavy with absolute, crammed with certainty. Is it foolish, or unwise? Maybe. But I’ve never pretended to be anything else. So in the spirit of foolish absolutes, in loving the feeling that comes with a declaration of certainty,  I present to you my list of always and nevers and nothing in between. Because sometimes it’s better to say it and be wrong in the future than to never say it and never be wrong.

1. I will always believe that it’s better to be kind than right. I will also always believe that this is much easier to believe when I secretly know I’m wrong.
2. I will never enjoy watching baseball on television.
3. I will always know that she will know what to say when I’m close to hyperventilating and worried about my lack of job boyfriend new fall shoes patience.
4. I will always volunteer to help bake when I’m secure in the knowledge it will be me licking the spoon.
5. I will never date a man who is indifferent to his mom, excessively spits in public or subscribes to “Barely Legal”.
6. I will always feel better when I wear mascara. (And I will always feel a tiny bit superficial when I say that, but it’s true.)
7. I will never be a girl who can cry and look pretty. I will never be able to be that girl who has tears streaming silently down her face while her lip trembles just enough to show just how much she is feeling. Instead, I will always be that girl who makes strange noises while doing the ugly cry, that involves mucous and blotchy skin and a face that becomes so distorted it looks like I’m morphing into another human being.
8. I will always run through my memories of him when I’m most lonely, will always wonder ‘what if?’, and I will always find strange comfort in knowing I will never get an answer.
9. I will never be a gracious loser when competing in any game against my brother.
10. I will always giggle when someone says the word ‘balls’. (In other words, I will always act like a 12 year old boy)