We grow up with always. We are always going to love our parents. We are always going to be best friends with Lisa Klein- the only girl in the fourth grade who knows you still like playing with barbies. We are always going to do the right thing, even when it’s difficult- especially when it’s difficult. We are always going to look both ways when we cross the street, when we fall in love. We are always going to say our prayers. We are always going to try our best. Always.

We grow up with never. We are never going to get old, move out, or yell at the dog. We are never going to like mushrooms, or books without pictures or early bedtimes.  We are never going to cheat. We are never going to understand our parents. We are never going to be anything but a teacher, a nurse, an astronaut. We are never going to pay taxes. We are never going to smoke, or drink, or make a bad decision. We are never going to stop believing in what we can’t see, in people we trust. Never.

We grow up with extremes. We live in a simple world, where our beliefs, goals and ideals are outlined clearly in black and white. Then, we get older and suddenly it becomes wise to see every shade of grey. Suddenly our world is filled with words like ‘options’ and ‘adapting’. Suddenly being open to anything, understanding every option, seeing it from every angle is what’s important and ‘black or white’ mentality is immature.

But can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I like black and white. I like sentences that contain always and never. I crave the feeling I get when I put all my eggs in one basket. When I make a statement that’s heavy with absolute, crammed with certainty. Is it foolish, or unwise? Maybe. But I’ve never pretended to be anything else. So in the spirit of foolish absolutes, in loving the feeling that comes with a declaration of certainty,  I present to you my list of always and nevers and nothing in between. Because sometimes it’s better to say it and be wrong in the future than to never say it and never be wrong.

1. I will always believe that it’s better to be kind than right. I will also always believe that this is much easier to believe when I secretly know I’m wrong.
2. I will never enjoy watching baseball on television.
3. I will always know that she will know what to say when I’m close to hyperventilating and worried about my lack of job boyfriend new fall shoes patience.
4. I will always volunteer to help bake when I’m secure in the knowledge it will be me licking the spoon.
5. I will never date a man who is indifferent to his mom, excessively spits in public or subscribes to “Barely Legal”.
6. I will always feel better when I wear mascara. (And I will always feel a tiny bit superficial when I say that, but it’s true.)
7. I will never be a girl who can cry and look pretty. I will never be able to be that girl who has tears streaming silently down her face while her lip trembles just enough to show just how much she is feeling. Instead, I will always be that girl who makes strange noises while doing the ugly cry, that involves mucous and blotchy skin and a face that becomes so distorted it looks like I’m morphing into another human being.
8. I will always run through my memories of him when I’m most lonely, will always wonder ‘what if?’, and I will always find strange comfort in knowing I will never get an answer.
9. I will never be a gracious loser when competing in any game against my brother.
10. I will always giggle when someone says the word ‘balls’. (In other words, I will always act like a 12 year old boy)

Here’s some numbers to entertain you while I consider a lobotomy:

Number of trips to a hospital in the last week: 2 (* only one visit was for me, the other was for moral support- because I’m nice like that)

Number of hours spent in a hospital in the last week:  13

Number of hours spent in a hospital in a room with a thin curtain separating me from a drunk man who thought it the height of hilarity to go to the bathroom in his pants: 7

Number of dollars spent in the hospital gift shop, attempting to rid my nostrils of the horrific smell that the man beside me produced: $56

Number of bare asses I saw, the result of people who are too drunk (and yes, in all these cases the person was drunk) to tie their gown properly: 6

Number of nurses on the floor: 12

Number of cute male nurses who looked a lot like Milo, my new not-so-secret love: 1

Number of cute male nurses who looked a lot like Milo, my new not-so-secret love who were married: 1

Number of Good Housekeeping magazines from the early 1990’s I pretended to read while attempting to memorize every detail of the Milo look-a-like nurse: too many to count, but I’m guessing at least 60. Not only can I tell you exactly the shade of green this nurse’s eyes are, I can tell you how to make a kick ass casserole and a spring butterfly craft using only Popsicle sticks, tissue paper and 12 hours of spare time.

Number of jobs I turned down since the thought of them produced an ugly rash on my body (hello SATC reference, brookem- I know you understand) and resulted in full fledged panic attacks that left me on close terms with hospital staff: 1

I am once again, searching for a job. But, I have a stack of magazines bought from the gift shop to keep me entertained while I look.

At least there’s that.

Hey. I’m at Burt Reynolds’ Mustache  today. Everytime you visit and leave a comment, another angel will get wings.

A phone call….

Amanda- What are you doing?

brandy- Solving the Middle East crisis while re-organizing my sock drawer- why?

Amanda- Are you watching The West Wing still?

Silence

brandy- And if I was?

Amanda- That’s unhealthy.

brandy- Studies show that drug addicts have an easier time of quitting if they quit gradually, rather than cold turkey. I can’t quit the President cold. I’m weening myself.

Amanda- You are ridiculous. I will call you later.

Later…

Amanda- Hi. Did you make that up? About it being easier to quit drugs slowly?

brandy- Yes, but I think it’s true. I mean, it sounds like it would be true, doesn’t?

Amanda- I’m hanging up now.

Okay, so I know I went to the Justin concert awhile ago. Like… almost a month ago. And I know I said I would put a picture (and only one, because let’s not get crazy here) up. But keep in mind, I’m a) a procrastinator and b) horrible at putting photos up. And because I know some computer savvy person is going to ask, I’m slow at putting photos up because after figuring out how to do it, my brain is so exhausted I spend the next three days in a black room, sleeping away the pain that comes with not understanding all the power that is inside my keyboard.

However.

You all have been so darn nice lately and have been so supportive, that I felt like I really needed to get on this. I mean, you all even left nice comments on a post where I said I got a job, which (I know from experience) is tricky because other than “Congrats!”, it’s hard to think of something original to say. But you all did, thus you deserve a reward (Because yes, I think that’s the proper way to reward people, photos of Justin Timberlake). Anyway, here is the best photo of the bunch, THAT. I. TOOK. (And yes, the capitals are supposed to illustrate how proud I am of this photo, didn’t I just capture it?)

And here is a photo that I have to include because it has a story.

This girl, is not me. I promise. During the encore, she sort of… crept up on stage out of nowhere. It was the strangest thing. She didn’t attack Justin, I don’t even think she thought she would make it as far as she did. Anyway, she gets up on stage, and suddenly Justin stops playing the piano and asks her who she is. She of course yells out “TIFFANY!” and the crowd cheers. Justin tells her that she a) is crazy and b) scared the hell out of him. Security has now stepped on stage, but Justin allows this girl to stay, but forces her to sing the end of his song. She makes him play the ending twice because she’s so nervous and forgets to sing the first time.

She sings her lines, the is told she has to go. She asks Justin if she can stay (she had brought her bag because she thought she would get kicked out), and he lets her. Because he’s charming like that.

Of course, my friends and I are cynical of such happenings and suspect that this has been ’set-up’. We ask around to friends who’ve gone to other concerts across Canada (because us Justin followers have a wide web that spans not just the city, but the entire country), and it turns out no one else has stormed the stage. So, in a single night we watched a fantastic concert (because yes, I can say- even though I don’t own a JT CD and was never a HUGE fan, it was a fantastic concert) and the complete breakdown of security.

All in all, it was sweet.

I got the job. I’m working on responding to your comments, emails, facebook messages all while trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to pack up everything in the next week. Thanks for your kind words, I think they defintely helped!

This past weekend was fantastic. I spent a rainy Sunday afternoon drinking tea and playing Scrabble in Starbucks (because yes, you can play Scrabble in Starbucks as long as you spend a ridiculous amount of money on peppermint tea, or as they call it at Starbucks, refresher tea). Saturday I went to the track and lost some money on the ponies. I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but I’m not and it was fantastic (the going to the track part, not the losing money part). And Saturday night I stumbled across an inexpensive line of clothing in a grocery store I never visit and left with things I never planned on getting. Yes, that’s right, I bought clothes from a grocery store.

I was supposed to spend my Saturday night out, but a sudden urge to find Season 6 of the West Wing, had me scouring every store in town, resisting the urge to slap young faced clerks who smirked when I said what I was looking for. Because watching The West Wing isn’t cool with the young crowd here. I suppose if I said I was looking for a special edition of “Chasing Amy” or “Clerks” they would have bowed to me and offered me their pocket protector as gifts of eternal love, but that’s another rant for another day.

So there I was, Saturday night, wandering a large grocery store (with an extensive DVD department, that had every season of Twin Peaks but NOT ONE single of The West Wing), when I stumbled across racks and racks of clothes. Cute clothes. Cheap clothes. I did one of those dances where I jump in a circle while clapping, and went to town trying stuff on.

It was when I was trying to decide if I wanted the tweed jacket with soft patches on the elbow or the brocade blazer that would look perfect with jeans, that I saw her.  A girl I went to highschool with, a friend actually. We had never been best friends but we were close enough that she knew my middle name and locker combination and I knew her deepest secret that involved a guy from the football team getting familar with her and third base. I wanted to say hi but ran through what I knew about her now (known mostly from our shared friend, facebook)- she had two children, she had just got married, she loved her job, and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t have that conversation. I just… couldn’t.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hear about her life. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to learn how she met her husband, see pictures of her girls, sigh with happiness when she described her wedding dress. It wasn’t that at all, in fact, I would have loved to hear those things. The problem was, I didn’t want to tell her what was new with me, or more accurately, everything that wasn’t new with me. I didn’t want to tell her that I don’t have kids, or a job that I love and I’m not married, or even dating someone who wants to come DVD shopping on a Saturday night. And it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to tell her that, it was that I didn’t want to witness the reaction that comes with such a confession. It’s the pity glance, the pat on the shoulder, the assurance that I will one day find the perfect guy, to have the perfect kids with, who I will love more than my soon to find perfect job. So, I did the only reasonable thing left to do-

I hid.

I hid behind a display of $9 sneakers for children and considered what the hell I was doing. I had a life that I didn’t want to tell anyone about. Not that it was awful, but that it had somehow strayed so far from what I originally planned, from what I still wanted, that in my mind, it wasn’t worth sharing. I waited until I thought she left, got up, paid for my purchases (brocade blazer included) and left the store deciding that I need to make some changes.

I applied for a job. Not a teaching job, but a job. In a different city. That needs me to start immediately. I had the phone interview today and will know by tomorrow if I got it. And if I did get it, I’m taking it. I want to be a teacher, but my life will not be over if I’m not. However, any life that I DO have, may be over if I ever find myself again hiding behind plastic shoes rather than discuss what I’m doing. My goal is happiness, and I’m learning I may not have to be a teacher immediately to be happy.

So I went shopping on a Saturday night and left with things I never planned on getting. A *brocade blazer, and the realization that a good life doesn’t have to be what you originally planned out, but if you find yourself hiding behind bins of plastic sneakers rather than discussing what you are doing, it’s time for a new plan.

* My blazer was $39, but when I looked at my receipt I realized that I was charged $7 for it. It got labelled as a “polo t-shirt” instead of a “fall blazer”. I’m not even kidding. I called Trout and shrieked when I found out I was so happy. It would appear that my lucky clothing streak continues…..

I’m freaking out right now. And I know I shouldn’t be, but look at this . Does it remind you of anything? Like say, the POST I WROTE TWO DAYS AGO? I’m not a member of myspace, so I don’t think it will let me comment, but seriously. Who rips someone off? And more importantly, who rips off a SURVEY??? I’m so angry right now.

UPDATE: So, I just finished responding to all your comments but something happened and now they are all gone. And because I don’t have the minutes in this hour to go back and re-do them all, I’m just going to update here. Many of you asked how I found out. When I’m falling behind reading (which, I’ve been for.. oh, the last month), I will sometimes put my blog address in a technorati search engine. Then, I will alternate between reading all the posts in my google reader and all the blogs that link to mine (because I haven’t updated my Google reader since 1974). I thought technorati just showed you the blogs that linked to yours, and anytime you’ve been tagged, but it also apparently shows you any post that is largely your own that someone else has copied and pasted. (In fact, if you put my blog address in, and scan down the list, you can see parts of what she took still). So there you have it. As for why someone would do this, I’m not even going to attempt to think about it. It’s like trying to understand why people leave their dogs in cars with the windows rolled up on hot days, or why singers go on stage in ass-less chaps . My brain doesn’t compute stupidity.

You know how you can say goodbye to someone, watch them walk away but not miss them until you turn to their spot beside you (because that is their spot… beside you) to tell them something only to find that they are not there? And suddenly you miss them more than you ever thought you would? Or could? That’s how I feel about the end of summer. I have to admit, by August I’m usually wary of barbeques, the constant hum of lawn mowers and the automatic acceptance of yet another sunburn, but then a cloudy day with a cool breeze comes and I find my first fall leaf (!) and I’m hyperventilating and trying to figure out how to spend one more night in flip flops without my feet freezing.

So instead of denying the approach of fall by wearing inappropriate footwear, or ignoring it by taking a well needed trip to Europe (not this year at least), I’ve decided to spin a positive attitude on the whole ”changing of season” that we “apparently” must go through (and the brackets are necessary because I’m not completely sold that this ‘change of season’ is actually ‘necessary’). I feel this new tactic may prevent me from catching a cold and/or draining my bank account. Also, writing up what I did this summer makes me feel like I did more with my summer than what actually happened. And that’s always something to hold on to when you realize summer is over… and it is over my friends.

1. I sang “Happy Birthday” to Ritchie Sambora, live and in person. With thousands of other people.
2. Taught myself how to juggle. Sort of.
3. Realized that ” I don’t want to” is a perfectly acceptable reason not to be friends with someone. Or date someone. Or not do anything that you just don’t want to do.
4. READ A LOT: Last couple I’ve read: “Truth and Beauty” (which Brookem reviewed at Book me In), “Alice, I think”, “The World Without Us”, “The Year I got impatient”, “The Last Summer of You and I”  and the “The Thief Taker”. I would recommend all of them except the last.
5. Re-fell in love with Rob Lowe. And Bradley Whitford. And Martin Sheen. It’s serious people, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to be the same again.
6. Missed a wedding because I can’t remember dates.
7. Bought an expensive organizer to help me remember dates.
8. Created a hip-hop dance to ”One, Two, Step”. (Relax. I don’t do such things for fun. It was for work, back when, you know, I had a job.)
9. Watched my brother the hero, help people he didn’t have to. (He’s since been nominated for two awards of heroism, including the govenor general award for bravery, so I guess Aaron- it wasn’t a stretch for most to think of him as one.)
10. Watched Harry Potter, waited in line to read Harry Potter then cried throughout the entire Harry Potter book.
11. Almost overdosed. On gluten. Thanks to beer and corn dogs and general fair food.
12. Quit a job. Not because I didn’t love the job, but because I didn’t love the management. And when I say “didn’t love” I mean, I wanted to paint my face like William Wallace then burn their offices down.
13. Celebrated MY BIRTHDAY!
14. Squealed like a 12 year old girl at the Justin Timberlake concert.
15. Met Pink. And Jack.
16. Watched Footloose for the very first time. And swore never to take public dancing for granted ever again.
17. Went to a 3am trampoline party.
18. Was astounded by the kindess of strangers.
19. Created a “Dawson’s Creek” drinking game (because apparently I’m in grade 11 again and wearing Exclamation perfume and Club Monaco ALL. THE. TIME.)
20. Discovered that not knowing how to change your ringtone from Jo-Jo (it was one of those hilarious ideas that you have at 1am, do not judge me) can be embarassing. More embarassing than the actual ringtone.
21. Ended a brief love affair with butter ripple schnapps.
22. Got over myself.
23. Called someone a coward and ended an argument by slamming a door (which, I always wanted to do by the way. I mean, not argue but I always wanted to be that girl who had the guts to just slam the door.)
24. Fell in love with a new toothpaste flavor- Vanilla Mint.
25. Remembered why it ended, but more importantly (for me anyway) why it started in the first place.

So when the world was new and men were still arguing if the Earth was flat, Joanne tagged me to do this meme.  I have finally completed it. I’m waiting for the parade.

3 things that scare me

1. Ann Coulter
2. How easy I can fall in lust, out of love, while running on firm ground…
3. Spiders

3 people who make me laugh

1. Jon Stewart (just like you Joanne!)
2. my brother
3. my Scrabble addict friend, Kingpin

3 things I love

1. Moments when you feel like you are doing exactly what you should be
2. peeling an orange in one long peel.
3. Christmas carols

3 things I hate

1. people who think that yelling their argument will suddenly make it valid
2. white food
3. the feeling of cotton balls

3 things I don’t understand

1. quantum physics or grade 12 math
2. Why I don’t have a job
3. The appeal of Colin Farrell

3 things on my desk

1. my resume
2. this guy (because I actually draw. And that is shocking me fact #32432)
3. enough pens/pencils/markers/highlighters to ensure I will have a working writing utensil for the next 300 years

3 things I’m doing right now

1. Thinking I should make risotto for dinner but knowing I’m going to have cereal
2. Wishing I was wearing socks
3. Wondering if Pink is going to show up tonight

3 things I want to do before I die

1. Visit Rhode Island
2. Find the perfect showerhead
3. Write something longer than a post

3 things I can do

1. Juggle, sort of. I’ve spent a better part of my summer teaching myself how. It (like all important things in life) is all about timing.
2. Ask for what I deserve
3. Walk in tall girl shoes without the hint of wobble. Okay, maybe there’s a hint. But it depends on the ground. And if there has been drinking involved.

3 things I can’t do

1. Stop myself from asking ‘what if…’ about the most inappropriate people during the most inappropriate times
2. Not clap my hands when I’m excited
3. Iron a shirt without creating some burn marks

3 things I think you should listen to

1. Yourself when you are happiest.
2. Jon Stewart
3. That friend
   
   3 things you should never listen to
   1. Yourself at 3am, when you are in a martini haze and have your exboyfriend’s phone number still on speed dial.
   2. Anyone who has to put someone else down to build themselves up.
   3.  Any story you hear about me, missing beer and a night spent hiding under a horsetrailer

3 shows I watched as a kid
1. The Cosby Show- my favourite episode is the one were Theo gives this huge speech about becoming a man and doing what he wants and Dr. Huxtable puts him in his place with a ‘what the hell are you saying? That’s the stupidiest thing I’ve ever heard”. It still makes me giggle.
2. Full House.- The one where those wiley Tanner kids drive the car through the kitchen and yet Danny still manages not to raise his voice when he finds out truly illustrated the difference between their family and mine.
3. … I have no idea what it was called but it had Jerry O’Connell and he had a ’secret identity’ where he could fly through the air using aerosole cans. Man. That was good stuff. Horrible for the environment, but still, pretty cool.I’ve decided to forgo the tagging. If you want to do it, do it.