Breaking down breaking up August 12, 2007
Posted by brandy in Jon Stewart, advice, lists, men, soapbox, the devils worker bees, the world according to me, tip of the day.trackback
I’m always shocked when people ask me for advice. Mostly because I’m someone who almost needs help getting dressed in the morning and have been known to call people to ask what I should eat for dinner. I’m still unsure of how to change a tire, cook brownies without burning them or have a relationship that’s more meaningful than the one I currently have with Jon Stewart.
However.
I recently got an email from a guy asking me for tips on how to break up with his girlfriend. Suddenly, I could feel my brain stretching to hold all the thoughts I had on this topic. As someone who has been broken up with, I feel it’s my civic duty to share what I learned in order to stop hopeless lads from following in the footsteps of my clueless ex-boyfriend.
Thus, I’ve broken down the rules to remember if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of wanting to quit someone.
Rule #1: Do not, I repeat, do not dump someone on their birthday.
Um, yeah. Getting dumped on your birthday is about as fun as getting a pap smear with a cactus. Birthdays are seen as a time to celebrate so getting dumped on one is usually a complete shock to the person who is getting the news. Also, it ruins future birthdays, since you will have a handy built in reminder every year of what happened on that day. It’s a toss-up as to what sticks with you longer- remembering your 5th birthday when you got a pony, or remembering your 23rd birthday when you were dumped out of nowhere (No really, it happened). Although, the plus side is you usually get to eat their slice of cake. So I mean, at least there’s that.
Rule #2: When honesty isn’t the best policy
So you are dumping her because you dislike her family? She has man hands? You’ve found someone who wears cooler shoes? Don’t say that. Really. There’s a nasty rumor going around that being completely honest is the way to go- that is a lie. Being completely honest when it’s going to hurt their feelings even more isn’t selfless- it’s selfish. Because the only person who feels better ’sharing it all’ is you. And when you are dumping someone, the last thing you should be thinking about is how you can most clearly express how they don’t measure up to the new person you fancy. Or just how annoying their voice is on the phone. Chances are your soon-to-be ex will not take this well- and will begin beating you with her footwear.
Rule #3: Don’t make it public
I understand the idea of wanting to break up with someone in a public place. There’s less chance of yelling, tears, extreme physical abuse with a pointy stiletto. But, I think it’s also disrespectful. If you have been dating for longer than 3 days, there’s a chance there will be tears and creating a situation where someone is forced to cry (and maybe even do the ugly cry) in public just isn’t Cary Grant classy (And yes, Cary Grant Classy is what we are striving for- that’s for you Kathryn!).
Rule #4: Exit Strategy
So you’ve broken up. You’ve said sorry, you’ve talked it out, wished each other well. Now leave. Do not linger. If you are say, in a hotel room, stop being cheap and pay for another room. Forcing your presence on someone whom you’ve just shunned is usually more painful than the break up. Trust me.
Rule #5: Friends?
Realize that depending on personality, length of relationship, reason for ending it, an ex may not want to be friends with you. In a perfect world all ex’s would meet up for coffee on Tuesdays and laugh at the ridiculousness of them dating. They would swap vacation photos and be invited to each others weddings. But it’s not a perfect world. And the worse your break up job is, the less likely she’s going to want to be friends afterwards. So have a little Cary Grant class, a little compassion and maybe one day she will want to be your friend. Or maybe just your facebook friend. Or maybe nothing. That is the chance you take, when you dive into the dating pool.
I think that’s it. Good luck dear reader. I hope it ends without physical abuse and that you show both respect and thoughtfulness in a time when both are needed. As for everyone else, did I miss any rules?
Wow, I have to say I never thought about this before. Instructions. Of course! You did pretty well. I really, really agree that it’s a good idea for the breaker upper to stay gone. For a good long while, maybe forever.
I don’t think ANYONE should say “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I love you, I’m just not IN LOVE with you,” “You’re just too good for me and I don’t want to ruin you,” “I think we were meant to be friends,” “Can I have your friend’s phone number?,” or any of those other crappy crappy crapperkins things people say because they think it makes things better. I also think Friday right after work makes a good time for a break-up (assuming M-F work week), because then the person who got broken up with has a weekend to recover with friends, instead of having to go into work the next day with puffy, red eyes.
You’ve forgotten the most important rule of all …
don’t break up with someone on a POST-IT!!
justrun- Hmm, maybe it’s the teacher in me but I try to find some rule/guideline for most of life’s stressful events. I have no idea if it works, but it makes me feel better.
Swistle- Ohhh yes! You are so right. I think the “You’re too good for me” is perhaps the one that is most likely to induce a ridiculous amount of rage in me. Such a cop out!
Airam- But of course! That is low. Reeeeally low.
This is a wonderful public service you have provided here, Brandy!! I’ve never been broken up with, so I don’t have any good ones to add. I’ve done the breaking up, though, before. And breaking up with someone over the phone didn’t work out too well for me. But in my defense, he lived in North Caraolina at the time (me in Nebraska…he was a marine and lived on base)…how else was I supposed to break up with him? Fly out to do it? Then what - break up right away and then be stuck there. Or wait until the end of the weekend and then break up right before I left? Doing it over the phone seemed much easier. Though, I still feel a little bad about it.
I believe that every person who has ever broken up with me needed this list.
Oh my God I feel sooo bad. I have never been broken up with, but I did it once. My excuse for the following scenario is only my young age (17) and that while breaking up I was surrounded by my roomates in boarding school.
I confess - I broke up with the poor guy via text message with the exact words “It’s not you, it’s me.”
If I had only had these rules eight years ago…
Good rules! How about this one - Don’t let your current girlfriend fly all the way to Africa to visit you during your super cool summer job and introduce her to your new African girlfriend! Yes this did actually happen to me … long story for another time. Moving on … I read a fantastic book on my holidays - the Daniel Pearl book - A Mighty Heart by Mariane Pearl. Egan insited that I read it and now I may have to see the movie. When I finished it, I had to go somewhere private and have a very good cry.
WOW, good rules. I related most to number 5. When my college boyfirend and I broke up, he started hanging out with my best friend!! Hello!…..she was mine first! Oh yeah, and then I later find out that they secretly dated behind my back. nice!
I totally, totally agree with your rules, especially the When Honesty isn’t the Best Policy. 90% of breakups everywhere are a result of not liking who you’re with, but then the “It’s not you, it’s me” line is the most popular of all. Smooth saves.
I have a friend whose boyfriend of 5 years broke up with her via email. Yes. Email. I’d add making sure you do it face to face to that list of dos and don’ts.
I mean, really. Email?
very good list brandylu. i like that you mentioned the birthday one. it hasnt happened to me, but i can totally empathize that you dont want your special day to be known as the day that you were broken up with (this reminds me of the post-it episode of satc (airam already beat me to that!), when carrie doesnt want the day to be remembered as “the day she was broken up with on a post it note,” she wants it to be “the day she got arrested for smoking pot.”
okay. i feel as though ive gone off on a bit of a tangent. so what i watched 6 episodes of satc last night?
oh, and i dont know that i have any to add. i agree that the “friends” thing is a very slippery slope. i guess for some relationships it can work, depending on the nature of the breakup (and like you said, how well the job was done).
i guess if i were being broken up with, randomly and out of the blue, while i wouldnt want the “its not you its me,” i would want SOMEthing. just dont break up with someone who you have shared a serious thing with, with no explanation. you know?
good list!
how about an addendum to #4? Make it final. Don’t come back the next day, the next week, the next month and say you were wrong. chances are you weren’t - so save us all the agony and MOVE ON
I am usually the breaker upper, but your list is really good. I don’t think friendship generally works out too well. Maybe after a lot of time has gone by, but not too soon!
Your rules are awesome! We should print them out and post them somewhere so everyone can follow them.
I would also include: having the guts to actually do it. In a clear cut way. I know SO many cowardly men that just act like jerks in the hopes that they will get dumped, and not have to be the dumper. It’s so ridiculous- you’re still hurting the girl, but they don’t know why, and it’s on a much longer term. Just DO it.
I wish somje of my ex’s had you to confer with before dumping me way back in the day……..
I found your Rule #2 the most insightful…honesty is important and all, but so is balance. If it can’t be said in a tactful way (or at least wait until feelings aren’t so fresh to be said), then you are totally right…being honest is being selfish. And, my two cents on the friends: during the recovery process of moving on it’s better to have zero to minimal contact for a good while, even if you want to stay friends. After a break-up, it can get confusing as to whether you’re holding on to the friendship or holding on to the past relationship. And, I find it’s really important (and more respectful) to be straightfoward. Any way you look at it, breaking up sucks…no need to prolong it.
I just noticed your smiley face at the very bottom of the page! One word–CUTE!!!
I truly believe that even if Cary Grant were to break up with you honestly and in a public space on your birthday, he would still epitomize class
So, I have a friend who is in the Peace Corps in Africa. Her boyfriend of 6 years went there for the visit she had been looking forward to for a year and broke up with her on the first day. She put him on the next plane back to the States because there are occassionaly times when it is ok to break up over the phone. When you are stranded in a third world country looking very forward to being visited by the person you love only to be dumped on day One. Yeah– it was bad and it is hard to comfort from so far away.
Good Rules.
This was really great. I have to second the addition of one about having the “balls” to actually end the relationship over just acting like a jerk in hopes that you will be dumped. In my experience, many men would rather stay and act like jerks than be brave and end it… rip that band-aid off quickly!!
~t~= I believe that writing lists like these makes me feel better
Hope you are feeling better today friend!
Katrin-Oh girl! But see, you can excuse the fact that you were young and that you know you wouldn’t do it again. And besides, you obviously feel bad about it, and that says a lot!
Brrr- Annnnd suddenly getting broken up with on your birthday doesn’t seem nearly as bad! What the heck is with Africa being the dumping ground? (Sidenote- I’ve read that book and I love it. I found Pearl’s ability to let go of anger to be one of the main points that stuck with me after the book. I’m not sure I could do that with the grace and strength she does, but she’s an amazing inspiration!)
pam- Geez! What a friend! What an ex-boyfriend! It’s funny how when you break up with people certain places, and people become ‘yours’ or ‘his’. I remember the feeling of being broken up with hurting so much more when I realized that I wasn’t just dating the guy anymore, but his friends were off limits too. Sharing custody of friends just never really works out.
WLFG- Totally! Oh, I think if one sentence should be banned from the Earth it should be ‘it’s not you it’s me’. Followed closely by ‘ I don’t mean to be rude/nosy/bossy but…’
CableGirl- Oh man! Seriously?? What the hell is wrong with people? Even if I change hairdressers I feel like I need to tell the old one face to face.
brookem- Yes, I know what you are saying completely. It would be absolutely frustrating to not hear anything about why a guy has broken up with you, a girl deserves a reason. I just don’t need to hear how ‘awesome’ the other reason is in comparison to me. As for SATC reference, I love that one. Perhaps I will view it like that- ‘today was the day I was BORN, and you know, became the light of my parents eye and a confirmation that the world should continue to flourish’ rather than ‘today was the day i got dumped’. I like your idea!
Anne- Oh I love that one. If there’s one thing I hate it’s a man who wants to NOT date you, but still wants to hang around you and give you all the signs that they like you. Nothing is more confusing than a man who has broken up with you but then returned as a stage 5 clinger.
tori- Agreed! Perhaps they should be given to men when they get their drivers licence?
Princess of the Universe- Oh man, that’s so true! The passive-aggressive man who refuses to do the breaking up because he is cowardly is so frustrating.
Princess Extraordinare- Hell. I wish MY EX would have confered with me before dumping me back in the day….
Joanne- Exactly! Our society has put such an emphasis on being honest that we’ve forgotten sometimes how much the truth hurts- or how little it can help a situation. Sometimes saying less is really worth more.
Kathryn- Probably. I mean, he would most likely conjure up a rose from his back pocket and present it before departing. Oh Cary Grant, how I love you
Clearlykels- Dear lord! Suddenly getting dumped on my birthday feels quite nice in comparison. That definitely sounds like a call could have been made instead..
The Exception- Yes! That makes so much sense to me. Though, I have to admit to having done the undesirable behavior before of just acting like a jerk hoping someone will get tired of me…
I’d like to add a few more….like do not break up with someone in the middle of their law school exams; do not break up with someone after you’ve driven together somewhere an hour or two away because the drive back is terrible; and do not break up with me and then your cell phone “accidentally” call me about four times a week, forcing me to think about you and answer the call to hear you talking to your friends in the background…psycho.
And I totally agree with Exception…men can be such wusses.
Uhm, on the break-ee side, don’t sit there after you’ve been broken up with and ask your now ex-girlfriend if she can find someone else to go to your formal (or whatever post-college event this is) with you.
I’ve also heard that it’s okay to break up how you met. So, I’m guilty of breaking up with someone via e-mail, but honestly, that was to avoid breaking rule #2. Had we met in person, I would have been WAY to honest and hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I’d rather be known as the girl who broke up with someone over e-mail than as a heinous hose-beast who totally ruined a guy’s heart. That said, I think that break-up how you met rule expires after, say, three months? That sounds right (and keeps me in the clear on that one).
Such excellent advice. As someone who was broken up with ON MY BIRTHDAY, I would like to add — I don’t care if my boyfriend is secretly plotting my death through dinner. He’d better put on a happy face and make it a great day for me. Break ups circa birthdays require at least 2 weeks notice. That is, you either break up with the person two weeks before the birthday, or you have to wait until at least a week after. It’s just common decensy.
And, as for friends. I just SERIOUSLY don’t believe in being friends afterwards. Otherwise the new guy you date will always feel awkward. And so-help-me-God, if the ex starts talking about a new girl. It just gets ugly. No thanks.
Lingering exes are th WORST! Especially when they are unwanted……. I could never do the whole “lets be friends” at the end of a relatioship thing. It could get sooo sticky so quickly, and cause problems for the new relationships.
I could never respect a guy that believes that breaking up in public is a right thing to do. That is something so personal….how rude!
Excellent advice Brandy! And I’m sorry that some if it’s coming from your own experiences.
Ally- Those are all fantastic additions! Especially the one about do not break up during a law exam (or any time of insanely stressful test/moment/event). Ohh which reminds me, I have another one- after you DO break up with me, don’t ask me to give you a ride- anywhere.
Sarah- I’ve never heard of that rule, but it makes sense for the first bit. I agree with your rule though, that after 3 months things should be taken differently.
undercover celebrity- you were broken up with on your birthday too?! Dear lord, we are destined to be friends I think! And yeah… I’m not really a fan of hearing about how wonderful the girl after me is. I like to think no one compares to me.
appletini- Yes the friends thing is tricky. I think success is dependent on so many factors, many that I never seem to have with an ex.
Jasmine- Thanks lady! I hope you had a fantastic birthday!
I love how refreshingly honest you start this post. We ALL have our troubles with certain aspects of life… (I too find baking brownies without burning them is really tough sometimes)… but you really seem to ‘get’ people and have so much insight on life, thus why people keep asking you for advice on things more important than brownies… like breakups!
I think your five rules are fantastic!
Haha, another awesome post! But one thing I really really agree with, apart from others ofcourse, is the “staying friends” point… I made the mistake of remaining friends with my ex after the initial time which I took to get over him.. and after that, when he made an effort to be friends, I was ok with it.. you know, he made no difference to my life anymore… BUT thats a big mistake, coz the ex didn’t feel bad or remorseful about breaking up with me! He took it all for granted! So that was a bad move!
Again, nice post, and thats bad to hear about breaking up on birthday… that must have sucked…
As a breaker upper and breakee I understand the hardships on both sides. I would say definitely don’t break up with someone 3 days after giving them jewellery. Hello???? What was he thinking?
As the person doing the breaking, I have used those horrible phrases, and I never realised that they are actually the truth sometimes. I had fallen out of love with a really nice guy. I still get pangs of guilt about breaking his heart.
Oh and the friends thing, I was naive enough to think that would happen. Everyone told I was dreaming…and I was, big surprises there!
Great post! As someone else who has been dumped on their birthday (”Surprise!”), I wish some of my ex’s had this list. The only two things I’d add are
1. Do it. Suck it up and just do it. Don’t disappear. Don’t just stop calling. Don’t worry about how she’s going to react. If you are over the relationship, end it.
2. Make it clear that it is, in fact, ended. If you are breaking up with someone, don’t be all waiver-y about it. Don’t give her hope if you don’t have any. Don’t call it a trial separation if you’ve already moved on.
A couple more… apologies if I repeat others…
Don’t do it via sms or any other technical device that does not require a face to face (or at least voice to voice) conversation. It is very cowardly.
Don’t think that sleeping with someone else (and your partner hearing the news from someone else) is an option either. This was MY 18th birthday surprise! (Happy Birthday to you too buddy!!)
But - to me the BIGGEST one of all - DON”T let it drag out. Don’t let anyone convince you it’s working if it is not! If you want to end it. End it. Don’t soften when the tears start (believe me we’re talking both genders here) and think that trying again will work… it just prolongs the agony!
Desiree- Thanks so much lady! I like your idea that people ask me for advice because they think I might be able to help rather than my idea that they ask me because I’m currently unemployed and they know I will be able to reply right away
Still Searching- Yes, the friends thing. That will boggle me forever. The thing is, I SEE ex’s who make it work, who actually ARE friends. I just don’t know how they do it. Are they aliens? A special hybrid of individuals created in a secret lab and planning to take over the world? Do they know ‘the secret’?
Ames- Jewellery?? 3 days after? What the hell was going on there? Sometimes men boggle me. (And I’ve just noticed, this is the first post in a reeeally long time that I’ve not received a comment by a man. Coincidence?)
OC- Seriously- another birthday girl? Dear lord, if I would have only have known that this happens so frequently I would have felt so much better when it happened to me! And I think you have a good point about making sure it’s clear that it’s over. No wishy-washy statements. That never helps.
jacinta- Oh good suggestions! I am in complete agreement with the idea of not letting it drag out. CUT.THE.CORD. It may seem harder at first, but in the long run, it’s far less painful methinks.
So apparently I don’t have strep like they first told me… apparently it is a virus that I must wait out. No antibiotics for me and no work either. I may be incredibly broke if you come to visit soon.
Agreed with the whole needing privacy thing… you’ve certainly spent enough time alone with them– why the apprehension now?
Oh, and don’t have sex with them that morning.
Your break-up tips are wonderful. Though I have to concur with those above me - don’t have sex with the ex. It is the worst, most horrid thing to do. And it just confuses us more. You don’t want to love me, but you want my body? What is this? Oprah?
I have one more to add to this very complete list - If you know it’s over don’t ride it out or jerk the person around, just do it! I know many guys who seem to think that they’re doing their girlfriend a favor by taking her around to parties long after everyone knows he’s counting down the minutes to “a good time to talk about it”.
It’s breaking up! There’s no good time to talk about it, kids! lol
LOL @ Airam….yes never break up with a Post-It!!! Well maybe, it could be your get out of jail free card???? I had a friend break-up with her boyfriend over email…I thought that was very tacky esp since they dated for 2 years.
um, hi. spencer is a complete a asshat.
i need to rehash the hills with you. please tell me you didn’t miss it last night.
yeah, he’s so gross to me. and i agree, heidi really gets to me as well. even lauren is pretty bitchy lately. audrina seems really ditzy this season, and dude- what’s with this new boyfriend… justin/bobby? now that’s a good head of hair that i DO NOT like. ew. oh and that wall painting was absolutely ridiculous. the kitty is cute though; i’d like to get c-mo a sweater like his.
I definitely sense a new profession in the works. Screw the t-shirt business idea. Very sound advice Brandy.
i love that we’re using the comments (when we could very well use facebook, our “other” bff, or email to do this). i agree about brody. spencer and his facial hair were concerning me. and his mouth. eh, he just sketches me out. since this was apparently filmed back in may, i think it’s funny that they talk about the sex tapes as if we dont already know the facts about them now. i think lauren’s mom seems a bit prissy, no? did you watch the show after?
On the friends thing. My boyfriend is still friends with his two exes. The main point, though, is that they were friends BEFORE they dated. The relationship started as two people who generally hung out together.
I’ve actually seen an e-mail from one of the exes, and she mentions me, so she knows I exist and seems okay with it…and I’m actually kind of looking forward to meeting her. I can see why they dated, why they broke up and why they’re still friends.
But I think they’re an exception, rather than a rule.
I think this is a great list! It’s too bad it isn’t given to kids when they’re learning about boys and girls and how to treat people. Maybe then this kind of list could become like a “dating golden rule” or something. Anywho, can I add one caveat? In regards to the “no breaking up on one’s brithday,” I would like to append “no breaking up the day of or week before Valentine’s Day, Christmas, moving day, or the GRE.”
Regardless though, break ups seriously suck ass.
Oh, this was HILARIOUS! I especially laughed at “There’s less chance of yelling, tears, extreme physical abuse with a pointy stiletto.” I’ve had the birthday experience too, stupid boys.
Good advice, girlie! Keep dishin’ it out!
~t~- You poor girl! I hope you are feeling better soon. Remember- NO DAIRY!!! I suggest fanta and cough medicine. Just like Sam from SATC. Ohh, and plenty of letter writing to me. I suspect that will make you feel loads better.
Princess Pointful- Good tip! Ex sex just… leads no where good. At all. Ever.
Rosanna- Yes, I think ‘don’t have sex with an ex’ should be told to the masses- regardless of gender. Because I don’t think anything good comes from it. If it’s bad, it makes you wonder why you were with them in the first place, and if it’s GOOD it makes you wonder why you aren’t with them anymore!
Kyla Bea- Oh man! The idea that someone would tell all his/her friends about the break up and then take them out AROUND those people before doing it, that’s no good. I understand confiding into a friend that you’ve got a tough choice to make, but to tell lots of people and then keep the charade going, eeps. Not a fan of that.
nutzonaroll- Yikes! Email break ups are tricky. I understand if you are in say, Africa, but if you can do face-to-face I think that’s best.
brookem- Dude, I should just email you all my opinions on the hills. Because yes. I have many. Almost,… too many. Almost.
egan- thanks proud papa! Brookem has sent me some cool t-shirt designs anyway, so maybe I will just buy instead of make.
brookem- No, sadly I didn’t watch the aftershow. Did I miss anything juicy??
Sarah- I like the line ‘i can see why they dated, why they broke up and why they’re friends’. I think if you can see all that- ex’s being friends is a good thing!
Nic- Oh yes- good add! I had a friend who was dating a guy for years and years- then they took a 9 hour drive to her family home for Christmas and he broke up with her on Christmas day. Ouch.
Michelle- Thanks lady! And welcome back!
I am writing these down. Too bad I just realized I could print the post out instead. Oh well, writing it down will help me remember!!
Yes, you have asserted your Master Yoda-ness once again!!!
I believe your #2 rule is very important. You’ve already given the heave-ho… why put more salt on the wound? I mean, if you’ve broken up with someone, and they’re pleading with you :”WHY? TELL ME WHY!” Are you going to be “kind” and tell them the truth — which would probably make them feel even worse and make you look like an even bigger jerk? Or be kind and not be so specific?
Think about the last person who dumped you because you listen to Sade…
ok woa woa woa. i cannot even believe we did not discuss the previews for the rest of the season?! um, is lauren REALLY getting back with jason? is she serious?
oh, i didn’t watch the show after either. my roommate did though. she likes the boy that is about 16.
Yeah I have been dumped by my boyfriend on my birthday, but then we got back together the same day. We ended up calling it quits 3 months later. I say this because you know when it’s not right before a special day.
These are the most susinct rules I have ever read. Great job!
Mc- Good.Plus, there is going to be a test, so writing it down will help you prepare for that.
Yuriko- Exactly!!! That’s what I will never understand.
brookem- I KNOW! I completely think she is going to get back together with him, only because all her other friends (including the always single Audrinna, who is pretty but wears too. much. eyeliner) are dating people. Or maybe she’s getting back together with him because they are destined to be together? Ahh. What do I know?
toshspice- Man! Birthday breakups are so much more common than what I thought! You poor girl. I understand how that feels.
The Diva’s Thoughts- Thank you!
And as Carrie Bradshaw said: have the decency to break up with someone to their face.
Excellent advice.
I get test anxiety….should I try swamp water? I just won’t tell me cardiologist!!
My boyfriend dumped me on my birthday a couple of days ago. Who does stuff like that? He also wants to be friends - even called me two days after “the deed” to see how I was doing.
The man is crazy as hell.