Jump June 27, 2007
Posted by brandy in confession of the day, disappointment, happiness, learning, self improvement.trackback
I’ve been in a mood.
I’m not sure what started it really. It could have been seeing a dead body last weekend, or feeling like my boss has declared jihad on me. It could have been the realization I’m not as healthy as what I think I am- despite giving up all the food (AND BEER!) I love. It could have been a nurse who ignored my wish to try a different vein but gave me the startled look when she felt the ’crunch’ of the needle going through the scar tissue on the spot I told her not to try. It could have been the fact that it’s been unbearably hot and I have a truck with no air conditioning. It could be that I forgot to get paid, I ran out of gas or that Ann Coulter has been talking again. It could be that my feelings have been hurt in the worst possible way- by someone who doesn’t even realize it. (And if you are like me, knowing they don’t realize it makes the feeling that much worse). It could be the fact that despite 17 attempts- I don’t have a teaching job in the fall. Not even the kindergarten position I really wanted.
When this type of mood hits, I shut off my phone, bundle myself in my coat of self pity and walk.
I left the house with a slam and walked down the street, the air so dry and thick with heat it was hard to breathe. With clenched fists and grinding teeth, I kicked small pebbles on the sidewalk and watched as they left trails of dust that looked like the tails on a comet. I looked down at my bruised hand and felt angry again at the nurse, who thought she knew more than me. I felt angry for the people who’ve slipped out of my life, who force me to wonder “why don’t you miss me?”. I felt angry at the School Boards who didn’t hire me, angry that despite all my promises- they had indeed caused me to doubt myself- again. I felt angry that my boss made me feel like I was 9 years old and all I wanted to do was to tell an adult on her. But I couldn’t. Because she IS an adult- and so am I.
I walked until my legs hurt, until I unclenched my fists and allowed a few hot tears to run down my cheek. I walked until my body ached and I had long since stopped grinding my teeth. It was then that I felt the first drop. I looked up and saw a dark violet sky ready to burst with rain. I turned slowly and began the long trek back home.
As the fat drops fell slowly at first, then much quicker, soaking me to the bone within minutes- I resisted the urge to run. I resisted the urge to get annoyed at something I couldn’t control, at the fact I had left the windows open, at the idea that this would of course happen to me. I realized that it didn’t matter how slow I walked, how fast I ran- I was going to get soaked. I walked slowly in my t-shirt and shorts while around me the world moved in fast forward- a blur of shrieking couples jogging to their cars, of moms rushing to herd their children inside, of teenagers running for shelter to protect their hair. I felt the mascara run down my face, the dust wash off my bare legs, the anger seep out slowly like air from a balloon.
I took a deep breath, found what felt like a smile, searched for the biggest puddle and jumped.
To be the first… such an honor my friend…
How did it feel? To jump that is… to let go, to let the inner child out. I am so sorry to hear the school board has not snatched you right up YET, … one day they will realize YOU are just what they need. In the mean time… I am wishing you well and hoping those around you in the REAL WORLD help you feel as wonderful as you are. And seriously, think about writing as another possibility.. you and BrookeM are making me smile these days…
Way to go with the puddle! That’s what life is all about! Hang in there and remember, you have a needle abused friend in me. One of these days they won’t have to move the needle around in my arm like a joystick AFTER they insert it and don’t hit the vein!
This is such a neat feeling Brandy. I think it’s great you embraced the rain and soaked it all up instead of running for cover. It’s a memory like this you can look back upon years from now and remember exactly what you were doing. I grinned as I read this because I’ve done something similar many times. It’s great to see you took a positive spin on the downpour when you could have seen it as “yet another bad sign”. You didn’t do that and that’s what makes you special.
I’m please Desiree made the comparison between your post and Brookem’s. There are many similarities here. Sorry to hear things aren’t going your way. You’ll rebound soon enough Brandy.
….I’m pleased Desiree…. (damn proofreading skills of mine)
Desiree- Oh thanks! I did feel a lot better after doing it. It reminded me of the time when painting a theatre set, after hours of work my co-workers and I threw paint cans around and had a paint fight without thinking of how the hell we were going to get it out of our hair. Hmm. It appears I find comfort in getting messy.
MC- “you have a needle abused friend in me” if that didn’t sound like such a drug addict reference I’m sure Disney would snatch it up and turn it into a song! I will email you a nice reply to your email tomorrow- I promise. Any new and hilarious Office photos? Oh, you should check this out: http://officequotes.net/creedThoughts.php#ct05 (I like the one about parasailing)
Egan- Does anyone ever call you “Eags”? Because my last name rhymes with your first name and everyone is always doing that. Anyway, that’s it’s own story. I’m glad you enjoyed it, and happy that you’ve done something similar. Wait, wouldn’t that make you special? Oh… the ego building is starting in comments… this can’t be good. Anyway, thanks for your kind words partner.
Oh, and I forgot, I read brookem’s post and if anyone finds similarites, I’m totally flattered! Also, I dig that no one has asked about the seeing the dead body. Well, Egan you already know but still.
You puddle-jumper, you!
I thought you were going to do something exciting. Like dance in the rain. :/
Oh sweetness I’m sorry you’ve had such a craptastic few days…I am gonna go OBAMA the poop outta that nurse/schoolboard/gluten etc! I’m glad you’re happier though, yay for rain and puddles!
brandylu, i’m sorry to hear that you’re in a bit of a funk. you are such a wonderful person, you don’t deserve to ever feel less than amazing. because you rock, seriously. it’s the damn school’s loss for being the idiots that they are. perhaps this just means that some other, awesome teaching opportunity is right around the corner. just waiting for your greatness. because when the opportunity does present itself, you are going to rock the socks off the kindergardeners (or whatever grade it may be you end up teaching!). saying rock the socks off the kids sounds a little wrong, but you get the point.
oh, and i am like you in the getting irked kind of way when one doesn’t realize they have hurt your feelings. im sorry that happened. that’s worse than them at least KNOWing it, and apoligizing, and it being done with.
the part about the vein and the blood being taken… ouch. i hate all things needle related, and the nurse is such a dope for not listening to you. because clearly, how could YOU, know what you’re talking about, with YOUR OWN body?
wow, i have rambled far too long. what im trying to say is, you are one wonderful girl brandylu. may there be cooler, sunnier days ahead for you. because you deserve it.
oh, and i truly feel honored to be compared to/with YOU. for reals.
i think this funk and everything else must be fixed with a bloody mary, a patio, a layered man playing the guitar, and perhaps a cute puppy. or kitten. and a new pair or three, of cute lookin’ shoes.
Oh my goodness! Every line of every episode?? I will never, ever again be able to be a contributing member of society. I had more to say, but I’ve got to get back to OfficeQuotes…
Good for you for dealing with all the crap you got dealt and coming out on top yet again! Getting caught in a rain storm and puddle jumping is the best thing I can think of to put an end to a bad mood! I hope you feel better and that the stupid school board comes crawling to you in need of an awesome teacher!
How I love that you just embraced the rain. That’s the best and it’s how we teach ourselves, I think. Make the best of it.
You are going to end up in just the right place in the fall, I’m sure.
Oh, Brandy, I’m so sorry that things are not going your way. I know that feeling. But then sometimes I sit back and think that if everything went perfect ALL the time, we wouldn’t know when or how to appreciate the good things. Sometimes a little disapointment makes you really love and appreciate the other good things in life. And things will get better. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem that way. If I actually knew John Krasinski, I would so send him to you right now! Hugs to you!
sometimes there is no better therapy than a good puddle jump
wish there was something tangible I could do, but failing that am sending huge amounts of hugs and happy thoughts your way
and yeah, could you send some heat this way please? I think summer forgot about Vancouver this year …
I hate that the nurse didn’t listen to you. I KNOW you know your body better, and why can they just not listen.
It seems like a lot of the things you mentioned that made you upset were a result of not feeling very heard. That is one of my biggest pet peeves…when you don’t feel like anyone understood what you were trying to say…you don’t feel listened to, and that frustrates me more than anything.
I am so happy you splashed in the puddle! Getting in touch with your inner child always leads to good things in my opinion. Kids just know how to have fun and make themselves happier, a skill way too many adults seem to have forgotten how to do.
I’m SO. GLAD. you jumped. Good for you. I hope everything else resolves. (And yes, I’m very curious about the dead body(!!!) but I’ll wait for you to tell us about it…
I’m sorry to hear that it seems that everything is going wrong. I’ve certainly been there. I agree with Tori when she said that it sounded like you were simply not being heard, which is also my #1 pet peeve. Congrats on letting go and jumping. We all can stand to go puddle jumping from time to time ;).
Brandy, that is so great that you jumped. I hope that there was a big splash!
I know I am going to get boos from this but I am going to say it anyway. The teaching job for you has not come yet, when it does you’ll get it. There may be things that you ask why is it happening, you really just have to trust and believe they are happening for a reason.
You could say its vicarious… but just reading your post has had the effect of releasing my stress in the middle of a hard day!! I can feel the anger and irritation drain out! Haha.. this is probably one of your best posts, though its hard to keep up the best of the lot! :))
i’m with still searching. nice.
oh, and also? i think people would back me in saying, whoever hurt your feelings should be taken down! you have a lot of troops here, we can tackle them.
Brookem, then you’re going to have to take me out. I was the meanie.
I love it. Nothing is better for a crappy day or week or month then a good puddle splashing. I had to replace more than one car tire for that very reason when I was in high school…
i was wondering if it was me. phew.
Aaron- What can I say? I’m boring sometimes.
Ruby- Yes, I think the School Board needs a good OBAMA to the junk. Kudos for using the word, so perfectly, so unexpectedly!
brookem- I need a new nickname for you because I can’t use the one I have on this page. Okay, that just made me giggle because now it sounds, well whatever. I just need a new one. Thank you for your kind words my dear. Truly. Your comment made me smile and caused me to go shopping this morning and come back with the greatest pair of red flats. Thanks for the inspiration!
MC- I KNOW! It’s fantastic. I really enjoy Creed’s thoughts, but the whole thing is pretty great. Hope you enjoy, but not to the point you become a recluse. I mean, it is your ONE YEAR BLOG ANNIVERSARY today. You should be celebrating!
bastet3- Oh, I don’t even need them to crawl at this point! But I’m not going to lie, it would be nice if they did!
justrun- Fingers crossed that I do! And I like that you think I will be in the right place in the fall. It might sound silly but knowing other people think this makes me a little less.. stressed out.
Beth- Oh girl you make me giggle! And I understand what you are saying, so I’m trying to find the the pleasure in the pain- if my overtly sexual sentence there can make some sense to my current situation. As for John, the fact you would send him my way in my hour of need, makes you truly someone special. Thanks for the thought!!
Kathryn- I will try my best to send some heat your way, though it looks like the rain might be staying here for awhile! Thanks for your good thoughts Kathryn, I so appreciate them!
tori- Thank you so much! I think you are right. I would always much rather hear ‘I understand’ rather than ‘you are right’. As someone who has… well, a lot of opinions on everything, I think I just need someone to acknowlege them. When they don’t, I don’t really fight back, I just stop talking. Which, shockingly, never leads to anything good.
Brillig- Oh thanks for your nice words! I too, hope everything resolves. And the dead body story is brief, and not nearly as exciting as I suspect people think but I will try and throw it up into a post soon!
pam- I agree that a good puddle jump can do wonders! And although I don’t like thinking of any of you having the kind of day I had, I’m glad to know you’ve felt the same way sometime. It makes me feel a little less like a lunatic.
The Exception- There was! And now I think I’m going to have a great cold!
toshspice- I think that’s going to be my new mantra. Seriously. I think I will be coming back and reading your comment again- everytime I don’t get a job I’m sure I will get…
Still searching- Oh thank you. I’m glad it was something that ‘released anger’, I was sort of worried when I wrote it that it would have the opposite effect and create a feeling of anger. I’m glad that the I jumped in the puddle and had that to say, or else I think this post would have been quite different! (And frankly, a whole lot more depressing)
HippieChyck- Thanks!
brookem- Oh thanks dear! It’s a tricky situation though, her being someone who doesn’t think she did anything. I suppose I could TELL her, but well, sometimes I’m a chicken.
egan- It’s okay. I mean… I forgave you for being the mean bastard who was saying stuff about my elderly grandmother.
brookem- WHY would you think you!?!?
Mel- I’m going to want to hear the story behind that…
i love that you went out and got some new red shoes! i would like a pretty picture please. did you know that i have a thing for red shoes? it’s true. i just bought myself two new shirts, and a pair of shorts as a little retail therapy myself. it does wonders.
it can be tricky, confronting someone who hurt your feelings when they just plain dont know they did it. it’s a tough one for sure. maybe mull it over… if it’s still bothering you in a day or two, why not? perhaps it will help you to let go of it all if you said something. or wrote something? you write so clearly and articulately, maybe that’s an option.
i keep thinking about the red shoes. man. i need to bust mine out again soon.
Oh, I am celebrating Brandy. With Creed!!!!!
oh and i really didnt think it was me.
egan can be such a jerk. he’s a wild one.
brookem- Wait… I JUST BOUGHT SHORTS TOO! Wow. This is like, shopping esp. Mine are cute khaki ones with little front pockets. As for the shoes, I’ll post a picture. Just give me a few months to remember hwo to post again… ;0
MC- See, I’m starting to think I created a monster…. but he’s funny so I understand.
I’m sorry Brandy, did you say something? I was busy quoting Dwight…
You feeling better yet?
Hope so!
I was just coming over here to thank you for stopping by my blog, reading and commenting, but just the fact that you’re tall and have a post listing off reasons as to why you should rule the world has landed you a place in my blogroll. I would have also loved to give you a Rockin’ Girl award, but was mighty pleased that you already had one! You’ve got my attention and I, too look forward to reading a lot of your stuff from here on in!
It made me angry on your behalf as I was reading. Totally know where you are coming from on that one. Hope the rain has washed the worst of it away and today is looking better. Life sucks sometimes, but as I said to a friend just this morning, 2 consecutive bad days are just not allowed. So enjoy today - it’s sure to be better than yesterday!
Oooops - it is already the 29th here - hope it’s a good day!
Oh man, how I know your mood. Like, I know it. This is a great post, Brandy. Really…because I could feel your frustration and then I could feel your relief as everything washed away in the rain. You are a very good writer and I love it that you have shared this with us. And I’m super glad that I started reading your blog!
sorry for the crappy day. I hate days like that… and don’t even get me started on Ann Coulter. Can’t wait to hear what Jon Stewart has to say about that. lol
aww brandy bean - i am there with you - but i am there banging my head against the wall and drinking heavily. you handled it like a champ!
MC- Thanks for the nice email and seriously, that is the greatest website ever isn’t?? Ahh, I can’t wait for the fall and new episodes.
WLFG- Oh thanks! You have a great site too!
Jacinta- I agree, two bad days in a row just isn’t a good idea. Thankfully, I slept late and made peanut butter cookies and my mood has improved dramatically!!
Amanda- Oh thanks dude! And yes, the frustration has stayed at bay all day today (wow, that was a lot of rhyming!), so I think things are going to improve. Fingers crossed. Can’t wait to hear about your trip and if you made it to the cave!
Cable Girl- Me too! I watched Jon last night because I was hoping for some good stuff but he didn’t say anything- perhaps it was a re-run? Michael Moore was on so I thought it was pretty current…
Anne- Thanks dearie! I suspect it’s a good thing we AREN’T actually neighbours (despite my wishes, expecially after seeing the photos of all the food you cook!) because I’m pretty sure we would be rolling drunkards. Fun, well dressed drunkards, but drunkards nonetheless. And yes, today I like saying the word ‘drunkard’. Have a great time on your trip!
Is there a way I can make it up to you somehow Brandy?
awww, feel better. If I was there, I’d make you a homecooked meal and bring a huge bottle of chardonnay! Here’s to you - clink!
egan- Partner, I’m thinking about it. Perhaps a poem?
Michelle- Ohh, that would be great. I think that would defintely improve my mood!
I hope that what I say now will make you feel better.
About the job. I’m honestly not surprised that you’ve got squat now because that’s usually the way it goes. You need to be really aggressive come mid-August because that is when people who may be retiring will officially put their notice in. That and teachers who will be transferring to other schools/districts will finally let their principal in on that. And then there will be openings and you want that principal who JUST found out that he needs to do interviews to have your resume on hand. Trust me you will find something. Don’t be picky. Just get your foot in that damn door. Everything will fall in to place … I totally, totally understand your frustrations with the job.
This August BE AGGRESSIVE!! Principals are on vacation before then anyways!!! I’m rooting for you and if you need any advice you know you can ask me!
I LOVED your story. Jumping in the puddle must have felt great!
I’m sorry that you are in a mood. I hope that your days get better. Jumping in a big puddle is a good way to start
well, i was GOING to give you a big hug - you know, one of those long tight ones where you say nothing - but then you got youself out of the funk and all these other people posted and life moved on and you seeemed happy and it seemed moot….
as for the bitch nurse - i hear you sister - i have to get allergy shots @ every 2 weeks and i know exactly where it doesn’t hurt.. but NO, the one woman REFUSED to listen because she is the nurse and “has been doing this for 10 years” - so why did i bleed and why did it hurt?
as for the job….. i know how frustrated you are - but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t make the same mistake i did 2 years ago and take a job just because it is offered either - YES, you want to get your foot in the door ASAP, but NOT in a town or distrct that you don’t want to stay in….. i was stuck in this town for 2 MORE years, and i had already been trying to leave because it was the 1st offer and it came 2 days before classes started (and w/ only 1 day of inservices left)… 2 weeks later all the offers where i WANTED to be started to come in, but i didn’t want to break my contract…. even w/ this search - remember, i turned down a couple offers - and i even ended up NOT going to the place i really wanted to for a job fair because when i finally spoke w/ someone from the HR dept, it was NOT a good feeling at all - so yeah, i am going to loose a little bit of money because i cancelled a plane ticket, but it is better than working for a bad distrct….
so you know what, i’m still giving you the hug, just not as big (((HUG)))
i think it’s the simple pleasures in life that cheers us up during the tough times. It brings us back also to the innoncent childhood days.
Keep your chin up and sending you positive thoughts!
Sometimes you just need to make a splash.
Oh Brandy… I really do feel like we’re two-of-kind sometimes.
i cant wait to see the picture of the shoes. and your shorts sound heaps cuter than mine. mine are stupid running shorts that i needed since they had an inside pocket. because ending a race at a bar and paying with a $10 bill that i have to pull out of the top of my shorts/undies isn’t the coolest look.
way to work it out! (or walk it out as the case may be.)
Shoes? I need to take a picture of my new shoes. They’re Vans yo!
Airam’s comment with the capitalized be aggressive made me flash back to high school cheerleading days.
It does seem impossible to get a teaching job.
I would have gotten caught in the rain with the windows open.
I probably would have also jumped and then ran around for good measure.
I hope you are having a much better day!
ummm, WHAT dead body?
Nothing better than a good jump in a puddle!
Oh Brandy, I can’t believe I’m so late reading this. Hope you are feeling better now.
Puddle jumping is da bomb. Holy dang.
OH I have been there my friend. I wish there were more puddles around when we needed them.
Hope things turn around soon!
Airam- Oh that does make me feel better. A bit panicked at the idea of having to start everything in September instead of having the summer to plan it, but still, a bit better. I ran into someone last night who told me the same thing ‘aggressivE!, be aggressive!’, so I suspect come August, that will become my mantra. Watch out world.
appletini- Oh I completely agree!
question girl- Thanks for the advice, it’s so tough to decide when it’s time to just take any job, or when it wait it out for the perfect job. I totally appreciate your advice though. I had a friend who got ’stuck’ in a school she didn’t like. It made her teaching year miserable.
Trixie- Thanks Miss Trixie!
Bre- Exactly!
Jasmine- From you, that’s a compliment.
brookem- Ahh, but your shorts actually serve a great purpose. Mine (although ridiculously cute) are too short to wear to work and not exactly ones I would wear ‘out’. So, I’ve deemed them my ‘reading outside shorts’. And yes, when you have as much clothes as I do, you need to start giving them purposes in order to justify the expense. Your shorts are like ‘I’m going to kick ass in my triatholon’ shorts. See? Yours are cooler.
sizzle- Thanks!
Amanda- Me too. I totally thought of the BE-E- Aggressive! BE-E- Aggressive. So, I guess, great minds think alike.
Caitlin- A run around the puddle? That’s something I might need to incorporate next time…
Michelle- The neighbour died, and they left his dead body on the lawn for like, 10 minutes while they went back to the house. It was so… weird. Thankfully they at least put a sheet over him eventually, but seriously!
Ashwathy- I completely agree! It was completely worth the cold I’m now dealing with.
Jennifer- Can I just say that I love that you said ‘holy dang’?
Cheryl- Oh thanks for your nice wishes. I’m thinking that there is going to be a turn in the tide and until then, it’s been raining cats and dogs so I expect there will be some more puddle action
They ran the Office Olympics episode Thursday night. I’ve now got some new ideas to try out next week! Paper clip sling shots come to mind…
whoa. thanks for filling me in on the dead body info.
hopefully, looking back on this, you’ll find it funny. As for the teaching job no-go, you should come with me to Espana! ^_^ We’ll ravish those Spaniards! (especially if they look anything like Antonio Banderas)
I’m way late commenting - but I totally understand. I am in that mood myself, although disgustingly, I have no good reason for it. I’m just in a strop. It may have something to do with the weather, today being 1st July, its 14C and it has rained constantly for the last 10 days. This is not the summer I was expecting and its not helping!
Hopefully its going to ease off for both of us soon - I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way hun xx
MC- Let me know how it goes. I always wanted to try Flonkerton.
Michelle- Ohhh I would love to go! Last time I was there there I met a guy named Marc who told me things like “Lez just get zee married and you can have da babies and liszen to da radio while I make da money”. It was fantastic!
Beth- Ugh, I hate cold weather during summer! It’s such a let down. Right now here it’s warm but soooooo windy. I think wind should be outlawed. Just my opinion. Thanks for your kind thoughts!
I was thinking Flonkerton all the way! We have lots of old paper cases in the office too…I’d rather play Pam Pong, but sadly, we have no Pam.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
[...] (on three hours of sleep, thanks funk), many giddy little children with excited hands eager to touch everything that is new and two [...]