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Help Needed July 2, 2009

Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, games we play, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., seriously, these are the things that happen to me, what the hell, when i ask you to do things for me, when i say it anyway.
27 comments

I need your help.

So, as some of you may know, I have a pretty weak stomach. I’m grossed out rather easily and this tends to delight some people in my life. In a moment of insanity I agreed to play a game affectionately called GROSS OUT tonight, with a boy who loves nothing more than to ask ‘would you rather’ questions that involve human sweat, period blood and mucous plugs (LiLu, that last one was inspired by you).

Take a minute and collect yourself.

Because he’s a boy, he has already assured me he’s going to win and is acting quite smug about it.  So, it’s up to you dear readers, to share your grossest “would you rather” questions with me so I can win. Or, if you feel that you don’t want the internet to know just how twisted your head is- email me!

Maxie, I’m expecting big things from you.

Thank you for your help and please pray for me.

(I will be playing with a bucket beside me in case I vomit).

Let Me Tell You How This Works June 28, 2009

Posted by brandy in I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, and now you might know everything, here is my heart, i should be a P.S.A., is it weird this makes me cry?, it's okay- you can skim this one, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, let's still be friends?, life lesson, love or something like it, man I'm such a girl, right on my sleeve, single girl stories, so sappy it hurts, something I won't forget, the world according to me, things I don't say outloud, this is what happens when you listen to a sad song, this one is about you, vague is vogue, when i say it anyway.
58 comments

Maybe you meet in a coffee shop- no, of course you don’t, who ever meets in a coffee shop? Maybe you meet in a crowded pub when his beer splashes your arm and as you wipe it dry you rack your brain thinking of all the clever things you always wanted to say if you were ever to meet a boy like this.  Or maybe you meet through friends or online or maybe you meet at work- and through a handful of casual conversations discussing weekend plans and the weather you decide you like this boy.

However it happens, you meet.

You have all those conversations that you suspect no one else ever has. A thousand inside jokes are born, a million stories are filed away, kept safe for you to bring up and reference later just to show this person that you remember everything they’ve told you. That you feel all their stories are valuable enough to keep forever- worthy of you shoving aside room in your already crowded head for the memories they hold dear. You remember the name of his favourite school teacher, you laugh as he tells you stories of himself as a child and while driving to work you find yourself humming the tune he said he’d play outside your window.

It’s easy, at first. The jokes, the stories, the late nights discussing everything your mind touches. No topic is left untouched, no opinion is not worth sharing. You sometimes feel empty- not as though you are less but as though you’ve shared everything you could and it feels wonderful.

Of course you are amazed that someone feels the same way. You are surprised by their thoughtful gestures, their words, the way they remember what kind of flowers you like.  The stories they save to tell you, the way they know exactly what words will save you when you are upset, the letter they write to principals of the world demanding they hire you when you admit you are scared you will never get a job. You are surprised by it all- each action, each word more than anything you ever could have admitted wanting. And although there’s a multitude of factors involved that are less than perfect, you find yourself marveling at how perfect your world is.

Time goes by. Quirks become less endearing, words have double meaning, reality fills in the cracks, you go to bed angry. You go to bed sad. Not only because you are seeing that it’s not as easy as it once was- but because you discover there are times neither of you are willing to back down, neither of you are willing to stop something that’s started, to call a time out and wait until cooler heads prevail. You are sad to realize that there are times when you would both rather be right than happy. And you are heartbroken to discover that perhaps what you want isn’t the same thing at all.

And what worries you isn’t the fight at hand or the heartbreak that you currently feel, it’s the idea of someone who has become so important to you ever leaving. You know that such thoughts make you sound crazy, like the girl you vowed you’d never be but you play games where you lift him out of your life and see where the empty gaps are and suddenly you realize how much this person adds to your world- and how different it would be if they were gone.  Of course you know you would survive without them but it’s the idea that you don’t want them to go, that with a clear realization of how dramatic it all sounds- that you are happier with them than without, which keeps you up at night.

So you are left with a choice, you are always left with a choice. You can choose to accept this person as they are- in any form you can have them, without conditions or restraints even if it means it’s less than what you hoped for or you can not have them at all and live in a world that’s a little more grey. And so you choose them. Of course, you choose them. There may not be a fairy tale ending, your heartbreak might engulf you for a time- but you will crawl out of all of it with a good friend beside you who will remind you of how perfect your world can be, even if only for a little while.

And that is how it works.

It doesn’t make sense but the good stuff usually doesn’t June 23, 2009

Posted by brandy in Doing my part to help the economy, I sound drunk but I assure you I am not, and now you might know everything, don't hate me for this, find the great TWSS line!, hello universe? I love you, i love fragment sentences, if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it's a good thing, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, man I'm such a girl, oh look! i have opinions., so egan will LOVE this, the title says it all, when i say it anyway.
84 comments

I recently had a  rattlesnake of a woman kind and helpful lady tell me that ‘women wear lipstick, girls wear lip gloss‘ WHILE I WAS PUTTING ON LIP GLOSS. Needless to say, her views on FLAVORED lip gloss had her making the face people usually reserve for when they find an old dirty diaper in the backseat of their car. Thankfully, I’m so in love with this:coconut frosting I didn’t care what she said. I almost have an orgasm when I put it on my lips. Well, I’m sure a dude would love it if that happened but I’m just kidding. I’m not quite there. Maybe if someone braided my hair while singing Joesph Arthur to me it would happen. It’s so good it makes me want to make out with myself- without any of the small talk usually needed before I *make out with someone.

But seriously.

It’s shiny but not “hey, look at all the lip gloss I have on my lips! Whoo hee! Stare at me and my lips please!” shiny. It’s tasty but not “whoa! I just went to the pantry and smeared frosting all over my lips and now am licking them so much they are going to get chapped, which will just cause me to add more lip gloss, which will fuel this vicious lip gloss cycle that will end in tears and very unpretty lips that will be flakier than a freshly baked croissant” tasty.

It’s the best $12 I’ve ever spent. And I’ve spent $12’s often.

And yes, I’m fully aware I can now be charged with writing an entire post on lip gloss. I never said I was anything but deeply superficial. Besides, the world is complicated and messy and we are all watching Iran and North Korea and too many shows with that damned Piers Morgan. A lip gloss post was necessary.

What’s the best purchase under $15 purchase you’ve made?
(And if you say something really heartfelt or meaningful about **buying a goat or something for someone in a third world country I’m going to feel like an ass. You have been warned.)

* The phrase ‘make out’ makes me feel like I’m 14, until I remember that when I was 14, I wasn’t kissing boys but playing Girl Talk (please let someone else know what board game I’m talking about) and having way too many conversations about the awesomeness of Jared Leto’s eyes Martha Stewart bedding. Truly.

** But I would be really impressed with you if you did. I’d like you almost as much as I like my lip gloss. And that’s saying something.

Lip gloss can be found here. (Or you can just click the picture, I’m fancy like that)

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda… June 22, 2009

Posted by brandy in I like annoying people by talking about how much i like comic sans, and now you might know everything, books i'm not writing, confession of the day, find the dorkiest sentence in this, harry potter, hello universe? I love you, i can't believe i have a football tag, i like cupcakes more than gluten, it's almost like a meme, it's okay- you can skim this one, lists, man I'm such a girl, pirates, right on my sleeve, teaching, the world according to me.
90 comments

I can’t…
Wear maxi dresses (I look like I’m playing dress up). Watch Fox News without yelling. Make jello (it just.. never works). Flirt. Push the snooze button.

I can..
Drive a tractor. Sign my name in sign language faster than I can say it out loud. Teach 19 second graders how to hand write.  Fall asleep in any moving vehicle. Admit to loving public speaking. Check my email far too often for it to be considered healthy. Make 32 pirate costumes in five days. Always tell you which way north is.

I won’t…
Buy Cosmo magazine anymore. Kiss and tell. Forget about the kisses I’m not telling you about. Apologize for loving comic sans. Ever be able to pose for a photo without making a goofy face. Ever watch “The Little Mermaid” without singing along to every. single. song. Ever apologize for the aforementioned singing.

I will…
Always say what I’m thinking when I feel it’s important. Be in line early to see the new Harry Potter movie. Occasionally spend too much money on shoes. Still shake my head when I think about Sarah Palin.  Never walk out of Sephora empty handed. Say ” I love you” the moment I think it, without thinking about consequences. Cry when I’m frustrated. Cry when I’m excited. Annoy people with the crying. Crave ridiculously expensive items from J.Crew.

I shouldn’t…
Feel guilty about starting the week off with a meme. Eat so many things with gluten. Miss football as much as I do. Enjoy 2 for 1 margarita’s as often as I do. Watch Fox News. Send emails without using spell check. Shop online.

I should…
Nap more. Visit Seattle. Call my g-pop. Get my own domain name. Write more. Get an oil change.

Inspired by this

mmmagic June 19, 2009

Posted by brandy in Josh Lyman needs his own tag, and now you might know everything, confession of the day, hello universe? I love you, hey it's Friday! let's say something nice, i should be a cheerleader, i wrote this just for the picture, it makes sense to me, no i haven't gotten laid, pretty hair makes me happier, so egan will LOVE this, so sappy it hurts, this might be why I'm single, vague is vogue, when i say it anyway, who needs a self help book?, you're skimming this one.
40 comments

I’ve mentioned before that I swing wildly between complete happiness and utter despair in a single swoop. It’s both a blessing- sad days can often be easily thrown away when I make the choice to be happy and a curse- happy moments mean nothing once sadness invades me. (And for the record ’sadness invading me’ can occur over something as small as watching a sad car commercial). I am an emotional roller coaster. (That last sentence? Yeeeah. That might be why I’m single. That and the fact that I refuse to date someone who doesn’t love Josh Lyman and indulge me by talking about him like he’s a real person).

Despite missing out on a fantastic job opportunity last week, I find myself all sorts of happy lately. Like, the kind of annoying happy that other people have to roll their eyes at. Ned Flanders happy. And it’s the grown up happy- the kind that is dependent on myself, not solely on the acts of others. A happiness I can claim complete responsibility for, which is nice.

I saw this the other day and it made me smile. I have to end this post before I choke to death on all the sap.

magic (via)

10 Reasons I Will Not Be Going To My High School Reunion This Weekend June 17, 2009

Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, 20something, Wednesday nights make me frisky, competition makes me crazy, confession of the day, i should be a P.S.A., i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, it makes sense to me, it's not you it's me, lists, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the title says it all, the world according to me, this is where I grew up, top 10, when i say it anyway.
76 comments

1. I don’t need to spend a Saturday night hanging out with people who saw me during my “Mondetta Sweatshirt = Formal Wear” phase.

2. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that in the sixth grade my arch enemy told people I bought boys deodorant.

3. Umm… reunions are for catching up with people and finding out what they are doing with their lives. That’s what Facebook is for now. And I don’t have to make small talk while stalking. Win!

4. I saw my tenth grade crush the other day and he’s losing all his hair. Oh! And he’s married. With kids. Boo! Hiss!

5. Drinking cheap wine while listening to people marvel at how successful my former science lab partner is now (He’s a lawyer AND an engineer and is now making a name for himself in oil refining) would be far worse than staying late on prom night to do an extra lab assignment.

6. Everyone I like from high school I still talk to. If we ain’t talking, you best be walking. (I don’t even know what that means. See? Another reason I’m not going. I make up lame sayings and no one benefits from listening to that).

7.  My liver is still recovering from last weekend.

8. It would be nothing like Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, which would just depress the funk into me.

9. My facebook stalking has led me to believe that out of a class of 468 graduates, I will be the only one who would show up *unmarried and without child. It would be rude for me to show up and smugly declare how I’m happy I’ve dodged the bullets they haven’t. (I’m kidding. OR AM I?)

10. I’m perfectly content never having to hear this song again. Ever. Anyone who graduated in ‘99 pretty much has the lyrics to this song burned into the brain. (With that said- “Do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly”, might be one of the greatest truths I’ve ever heard anywhere).

Did you go to your high school reunion? Are you planning on going?

* I’m exaggerating. I hope.

Four June 16, 2009

Posted by brandy in Annie Lebowitz is so jealous, friends, happiness, hello universe? I love you, i wrote this just for the picture, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it was a dance dance revolution, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, love or something like it, man I'm such a girl, so sappy it hurts, wedding season is kicking my ass.
43 comments

So Saturday was the big day. I cannot even find words to describe everything that went on. There was tears and laughter and hula hoops. There was people who came out of nowhere dressed up as knights, photo booth pictures and a dance off to Britney Spears. There was long talks, fast drinking races and a dance to “Shout” that would make Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson proud. It was exactly what I hoped it would be and so, so, so much more.

Like I said there was a photo booth at the wedding and if anyone wants to have the BEST TIME OF THEIR LIFE I suggest they have one at theirs. My co-emcee and I decided that the only thing that would make a free photo booth better was props. So we loaded up on nerd glasses and tiaras and safari hats and boas. I have close to 50 photos from the photo booth, in various costumes with some of my very best friends. Here are four of my favourite. (Their mustaches aren’t real. It’s my lame attempt at  ‘oh look at how I can protect my friends identities from the prying eyes of the internet’. Clearly I have a gift. I’m expecting a call from the Witness Protection Program any minute offering me a job disguising people for a living.)nerd glasses and mustaches

d and b thinking with mustache
moose and mustache

moose, me and the point
And yes, I did pick out pictures that did not showcase the boobage. One particular blogger has already seen some of the lowlights highlights of the dress and I’m not sure our friendship will ever be the same. In my defense, I’m blaming a lot of it on the bra and not the fact that I have the boobs of a porn star.

“I’m 32 and still suck my thumb when I’m nervous” June 14, 2009

Posted by brandy in the secret project.
49 comments

It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday (or Sunday!) posts since the beginning of the year to get caught up. Also remember to keep the secrets coming and let other people know about the project.

secret1

1. I love my bf. We’ve been together almost 4 years. But I’ve had a thing for one of his close friends since a year ago. That close friend keeps asking me to hook him up with one of my friends, but I don’t want to because that means he’s not single anymore.

2. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for wanting to settle down. Even though I’m only 22, there’s nothing I want more than to get married and start the rest of my life.

3. My boyfriend is black and my best friend makes racist comments (not around him, though). I don’t know if I could ever invite her to my wedding.

4. I HATE TMI Thursday. The stories are usually either absolutely stupid or absolutely disgusting and I get the feeling that most of them are totally made up or at least embellished a little bit.

5. I want to pray, but I just don’t know how. And anytime I try I feel like a phony.

6. I have a ridiculous crush on a blogger and I think she likes me back. And I have no fucking clue what to do about it. (We live far apart….)

7. I screen all my calls. Yes, even yours.

8. I told my husband I wanted kids and now I’m not sure if I do. I’m too scared to tell him I may have changed my mind.

9. I always take a penny and never leave one! : )

10. My Republican friends still think I voted for our party and I don’t correct them and tell them the truth- I voted for Obama.

The One That I’m Writing Just For You June 10, 2009

Posted by brandy in confession of the day, friends, happiness, here is my heart, i went to vegas and drank a lot, i went to vegas and saw many tigers, i went to vegas and won some MONEY!, is it weird this makes me cry?, man I'm such a girl, right on my sleeve, so sappy it hurts, something I won't forget, this one might be my favourite, wedding season is kicking my ass, when i say it anyway.
55 comments

I was told once that I’m not a personal blogger. I write about what’s going on at school, I wax on about my love for Josh Lyman and tequila but when it comes to sharing stories about my friends or family? I don’t find myself writing those stories easily. Perhaps because I feel guarded- those friends and family, well I adore them in the ways you adore the things you can’t imagine living without.  I keep them, I keep their stories close to me the way you sometimes hold on to good news or happy memories, because you love them too much to share.

However.

As some of you have heard (mostly because of the Dress Debacle of ‘09- which is 110% awesome now- even if my relationship with my seamstress is now strained because she thinks I’m a whore for balking at having a floor length dress), I’m in a wedding this weekend. A wedding for one of the dearest and most lovely girls I know.

She’s the kind of girl who shows up. Always. She shows up when you need someone to talk to at midnight or when you are crying about your brother. She shows up when you need a ride to the airport, when you feel broken, when nothing bad is happening but you are struggling to find something good. She shows up when your house burns down and you have no place to live- she opens her door, makes sure you have everything you would possibly need and then drinks beer with you until you both fall asleep giggling.

She’s the one who loves singing loudly on the dance floor. The one who is fluent in my crazy. The one who’’s in all my favourite photos.  She’s the one who knows the back story on every boy- the one who gets most excited hearing about the new one. She’s the one who’s bet me $20 that I will cry at her wedding, despite everything I’ve said to tell her that I won’t. She’s the one who has consumed yard margaritas with me in Vegas, who slept in a tent with me to raise money for charity, who has held a fake Stanley Cup with me, danced until 5 am with me.  She’s the one who loves beer but doesn’t drink it when she’s with me because she knows I can’t.  She’s the one who hates writing but reads my blog, the comments and remembers the names of the commenters who made her laugh. She’s been witness to all my bad choices and is the first to cheer on my accomplishments.

She’s the friend I hope each of you have.

She’s the one who’s getting married this Saturday.

And I’ll be the one crying and ready to hand over my $20.

Money well spent.

The One About My Dress June 4, 2009

Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, AHHHHHHHHHHH!, I'm a lady. I'm a tramp., i am slowly going crazy, if you're shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it happened this week, it's okay- you can skim this one, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the title says it all, these are the things that happen to me, wedding season is kicking my ass, when strangers see you NAKED.
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