Here’s what they didn’t tell you November 12, 2009
Posted by brandy in I've fallen into a funk and I can't get up, and now you might know everything, because "guilt" is a dirty word, confession of the day, disappointment, here is my heart, i should be a P.S.A., i'm the sum of my failures and my achivements, introspection sometimes causes me to drink, it happened this week, it seemed like a good idea at the time..., it's not you it's me, life lesson, overwhelmed doesn't even begin..., right on my sleeve, something I won't forget, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the world according to me, this one is about you, when i say it anyway.comments closed
They didn’t tell you how fun blogging could be. How excited you would be when you got your first comment, when you saw your name on someone’s blogroll, when you plucked out a handful of words from the vast English language to make sentence you were proud to write. A sentence that you would re-read because you loved it so much, a sentence that would ring in your head and roll off your tongue like poetry. No, they didn’t tell you that.
They didn’t tell you about the community. My word, the community. The people you would meet, the friends you would make. The ones who would reach farther- past posts about hair or pop culture or ways you embarrass yourself on a daily basis and email you when you wrote about the things you dared not say out loud. Who reached out to you minutes after you posted something that left you weeping, who offered words of comfort, a shoulder to cry on, a couch to curl up on if you ever wanted to visit. No, they didn’t tell you about that.
No one told you that blogging would open you up to people who would encourage you when you were tired, cheer you on when you reached your goal and be there when you didn’t. And no one told you that bloggers would be the best sources of what books to read, what movies to see, shops to visit, countries to travel to. No one told you that bloggers would be there to help fix your computer, give advice on shampoo or recommend sites that leave you laughing for days. No one told you that blogging would be your free pass to a world of awesome. No one told you that at your fingertips you would be able to find a welcoming, positive community that would care so much for you, it would take your breath away.
But?
No one told you that blogging could hurt people. It’s a place that’s hard to explain unless you live in it. It’s a massive world, where inside jokes flourish. It’s easy to take things out of context, miss the meaning, lose the message. It’s easy to imagine what’s not there, what never was. It’s easy for a harmless post to hurt, a random comment to ruin a moment, a perceived relationship to strain another. No one told you that. No one.
No one told you that it’s easy for your blog to become a crutch to lean against rather than a platform to stand on. It’s easy for it to turn into so many things it never was meant to be. No one mentioned how effortlessly it is to fall into a routine where you update your closest friends through a blog post- rather than the phone call they deserve. A routine that brings out the laziest, least caring version of yourself- the kind that sends condolences through a blog comment rather than an email or phone call. The kind of routine where it takes you days to reply to thoughtful comments that people have so carefully constructed and shared. The kind of routine that makes you shake your head at yourself, ashamed at how thoughtless such a thoughtful person has become. No, no one mentioned that.
No one tells you any of these things, and suddenly you find yourself knee deep in trouble, aching for everything to be different. Wondering how you got here and more importantly, how do you ever go back.
My lips are sealed. Kind of. Not really November 8, 2009
Posted by brandy in AHHHHHHHHHHH!, advice, confession of the day, hello universe? I love you, i should be a cheerleader, i think my sweetness gave you a cavity, it makes sense to me, men, no i haven't gotten laid, something I won't forget, sometimes you just have to leap, the one that nobody reads because of the title, when i ask you to do things for me.30 comments
You know, for all my waxing about love and like and movies starring both Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks- I’m not easily wooed. I tend to be the girl who is not impressed when a dude comes over to talk because he’s usually cutting in to the great time I’m already having with my friends. (Real life friends who read the blog? Feel free to chime in and confirm this bitchy behavior I exhibit).
And when a guy manages to get into a conversation? I’m easy to cut him loose if I feel like he’s not quality. (For the record, “quality” doesn’t have anything to do with his hair or bank account balance. It’s when he uses mentions he’d like to ‘*cum on my tits’ within minutes of meeting me that I do inventory and he gets taken off the shelf and thrown into the ‘damaged goods’ bin, never to be looked at again). And maybe it’s because I’m getting older and going out less- or maybe it’s because I’m getting older and getting more picky, or maybe it’s just because I’m getting older… but I’m finding I’m expecting more and settling for less.
Which is why when I do find someone who I realize I’m smitten with, I like to review how it happened. Re-trace the steps to see exactly when I found myself wanting to hold up a boombox to their window. The absolute best part of such an exercise is when you review it all and realize ‘holy hell, this person is really amazing and not only that? They’ve done some pretty stellar things and if I liked them a little bit less, I’d want to tell the entire world internet world everything they’ve done. But, I like them so much I don’t want to share everything. Because I’m greedy and weird and like them too much.”
So, I’m not sharing everything. But I will say this: anyone who agrees to watch the 8 hour John Adams mini-series with me, is someone who is going to get a thumbs up. **Oh and I’m going to be in Seattle at the end of December. If you’ve been there or live there and want to give me some tips on awesome things to do, you should.
* The year: 2003. A man actually said that to me within minutes of meeting me. And then was horribly offended that such a declaration didn’t make my vagina swoon.
**I expect squealing emails from some of you now. I’m fully prepared for it. Ready, set, go!
“I have a crush on Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster. Unfortunately I have a boyfriend and a vagina and he has the Newf so clearly things will never work out.” November 2, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.15 comments
The Secret Project: Crush Edition can continue to exist because of the awesome emails you all continue to send me. That, and the fact that I fought back from the edge of death boredom and survived almost a week in bed, with *only an unhealthy addiction to cold medicine and a truckload of self pity to entertain me . ANYWAY. As always, I must gush about how much I’m loving what you are confessing! Confession #7 of this week had me all swoony. Who doesn’t wish to be in that situation?
Email me at brandyismagic@gmail.com if you have one to share! As always, I’m still taking submissions (for the Crush Editions and the good ol’ regular Secret Project), so if you have something you’d like to share- a crush or otherwise, feel free to email me.
(*this isn’t true. I managed to gchat almost every single person on my gchat list last week while woozy with ample dosages of cold medicine, flu medicine and vodka orange juice. Let me tell you, the conversations I had last week regarding boobs, sex, politics and of course, Harry Potter- could AND SHOULD be created into their own book. Gchat people, you are hilarious).
1. A boy I’ve only met once. Mostly because he has the same disease as me.
2. I met a guy through a mutual friend and we are absolutelyperfectforeachother. I’ve gotten a lot of undeniably positive feedback from him when we flirt and are honest with eachother (about how he’d trust me with any knowledge of him I asked for, etc). There are two problems: One, he works all the time and when he’s not working, he’s at school (which is good because it means he’s ambitious and knows how to work hard -swoon) and he got into a crash last winter, so he’s using his family’s car until he can get his running. So finding time to hang out is really difficult. And because I have a busy shcedule, too, it’s likely that his sporadic amounts of free time aren’t when I’m free. (this also keeps us from talking on the phone often at all so our primary form of communication is texting.) Second, he has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for a while, but he’s described her to me as “childish” and “immature” and said that they’re “just floating along.” I’m sure that he’d come after me if he was sure it wasn’t a risk and knew that I like him back. But we’re having such a hard time getting together to hang out so I can’t tell him in person anytime soon. What do I do?? (1) Tell him not-in-person (2) wait (3) give up on him (4) something else??
3. A new friend. He’s great and I feel really close to him already, but he’s “saving himself” for someone special and I’m not that patient. He hasn’t even kissed a girl, and I really don’t want to teach.
4. I am pretty much positive that I am falling in love with my roommate. Normally this would not be a problem and I would just tell her and we’d see where we went from there. Two problems though. One, she is dating someone else. Two, she has no romantic interest in guys to the best of my knowledge.
5. I have a gi-huge-ic crush on Artie (Kevin McHale) from Glee. I don’t know if it’s his convincng portrayel of a kid in a wheelchair or the amazing performance he did with the mash-up of “It’s My Life/Confessions Part II” but I always follow him during group numbers on Glee 
6. i have a tiny crush on a man who is about to become either my boss or my client. maybe it’s the power exchange or something, but the man is smart, tall, funny, our ideas just feed off each other, and over a couple of drinks recently i could not stop thinking about ripping his clothes off when i was supposed to be thinking about business. i won’t act on it, because that’s just NOT BRILLIANT, but the thoughts are there.
7. I have a crush on my husband. He’s adorable and always makes me giggle! I guess this isn’t so secret, but there’s an air of secrecy and mystery when I see him from afar and he’s not paying attention to me.
8. I have the biggest crush on my friend. He is absolutely the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. We act like we might as well be a couple. He gives me random gifts for no reason and will pick me up anywhere within a 3000 mile radius of his house if I called him at 4 in the morning. The only thing I hate? Our story is like a Taylor Swift song. He is smitten with another girl who he barely knows.
9. I am assistant-directing a play and I have a ridiculous crush on my director. He’s not what most people would consider attractive at all, but for the first time I am spending time with a stable, straight, adult male who is passionate about the same things I am, and spending time with him working on the show has been fulfilling like nothing else I’ve done in my professional life. I have no reason to suspect he’d ever be interested in being more than friends/co-workers, but right now I’m just so darn excited, I can’t help but smile and be thankful that God has sent someone to show me that my dreams are possible.
10. Richard Castle
fevah Part II October 28, 2009
Posted by brandy in I don't know what day it is, Wednesday nights make me frisky, and no you can't say world peace, because I can't do report cards 24/7, games we play, harry potter, i complain because I care, it's almost like a meme, just do what i say, karma is going to get you, let's still be friends?, swimming in a sea of self pity, the one that nobody reads because of the title, tomorrow will be better, when i ask you to do things for me, you're skimming this one.45 comments
Oh, hi. I’m dying.
Okay maybe not but *whatever the hell I’m battling, it’s currently kicking my ass. Like, if me and this sickness were in a boxing ring, I’d be pinned to the mat yelling “SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, I GIVE UP, YOU WIN- TAKE EVERY SEASON OF THE WEST WING! TAKE MY VINTAGE WRANGLERS FROM THE 70′S THAT DO WONDERS FOR MY BUM! TAKE AWAY SWEET POTATO FRIES FROM THE EARTH! “, the second the starting bell was heard.
I was feeling tremendously sorry for myself while watching ** Lecture 3 in Game Theory (sexily titled “Iterative Deletion and the Median Voter Theorem”- doesn’t that get you hot?), when I remembered that blogging when sick is one of my favourite past times. It’s a good way to expose your illness to a wide audience without infecting people but with the benefit of much sympathy (I’m only half kidding here people).
While reading old posts, I found this one that I wrote while sick (and explains why I have to call it a ‘fevah’) and liked the idea so I’m going to do it again. It’s as easy as Sienna Miller. Just answer any or all of the prompts below in comments. It will be hugely entertaining and I will want to kiss each of you directly on the mouth (after I’m finished battling *whateverthisis) for answering this call of duty.
Prompt #1: I’m reeeeeeally freaking tired of hearing about…
Prompt #2: My favourite meal is…
Prompt #3: Three blogs everyone should be reading are…
Prompt #4: Taylor Swift…
Prompt #5: Long distance relationships are…
Prompt #6: This year for Halloween I’m dressing up as…
Prompt #7: The best sex I ever had involved…
That’s it. Remember, answer all of them or one of them. Or if that’s too daunting- just tell me what you would do with ***Morgan Freeman, a feather duster and a bottle of WD40. Now I’m off to watch some Harry Potter and giggle anytime someone mentions ‘pulling out their wand’. I’m going to stir the pot and say I prefer magical wizards to vampires any day of the week. I’m so old school I can barely stand it.
* Considering that a third of my class is at home with the flu, the majority of my co-workers are out sick- with the flu, and you know, EVERYONE HAS THE FLU- there’s a chance I may have it. But that seems like just seems lame, like I’m jumping on a bandwagon. So I’m thinking of calling this swine cold. With a fevah.
** That site is amazing. Check. It. Out.
*** I know. I said it before. *Whateverthisis has sapped my creative energy. I was thinking of saying something about William Shatner and a can of pizza dough but that just made me nauseous.
“I’m married to the sweetest guy but I’d switch teams for Angelina Jolie” October 27, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.16 comments
It’s a special bonus The Secret Project: Crush Edition- midweek because I’m all wild sometimes. I’m loving what you are all confessing. Email me at brandyismagic@gmail.com if you have one to share! As always, I’m still taking submissions (for the Crush Editions and the good ol’ regular Secret Project), so if you have something you’d like to share- a crush or otherwise, feel free to email me.
1. I watched the film Wanted (hindhi) and fell in love/crush (:P) with Salman Khan. (Bollywood Actor). The man CAN NOT act. Has deplorable taste in clothes. and even deplorable taste in his choice of movies and has the body of a rock (not a compliment, by any means) . But then i saw him walk in those amazingly fitted jeans, and I was hooked! I swear it must be a sin to watch a man walk like that, his hips rolling..and…oooohhhh…*SIGH*
2. Mr5280
3. My biggest crush ever will have to be *drum roll* George Clooney. Yes. George is the love of my life. He is. Don’t listen to my boyfriend. I’ve evaluated my feelings for George and I think I love him so much is because he is still single. As in, unmarried. This makes me fantasize endlessly about the two of us meeting in a resort nearby and instantly falling in love, getting married, having babies and getting on the cover of People. and then of coz paparazzi pics of us walking on the streets of LA in chic clothes with Brangelina. and all of our kids in tow. on Celebrity Baby Blog. Heaven.
4. There’s a man I work with. He’s older and married and completely, entirely off limits in every way. He’s nothing like the men I typically date, either, but I love him right down to the marrow of my bones. I get a warm glow inside just being around him. He has the most honest, intense blue eyes. When I look at him I know he sees me, and it’s terrifying and exhilerating. That’s probably more than enough gushing. PS, I love your blog. That would be my other crush, of the not-so-secret variety.
5. the only reason i’m confessing this is because i know there are so many other girls just like me. my best friend is a boy. and i’d marry him tomorrow if he asked me.
6. Alec Baldwin. Pierce Morgan. Oh and Mr. Big. All of these crushes should explain why I am single.
7. A perfect handful? Yeah, you are at the top of my list. Don’t tell my girlfriend!
8. I have the biggest thing for Hugh Laurie as House. It’s the awful attitude, the intense brain and the big blue eyes. My best friend has no idea why and he makes fun of me anytime I ask him to turn off the TV or put on House.
9. I have a crush on nicoleantoinette. Wait. That’s a lie. I have a HUUUUUUUGE CRUSH on her. This crush is so big that it has developed gravitational pull. This crush is SO big that it has 5 electoral college votes. THIS crush is so huge that Helen of Troy said, “Now THAT dude is smitten.” So, yeah, I think she’s pretty okay.
10. I have a crush on my friend’s roommate. He is smart, funny, cute, shares my weird sense of humor, and is a great kisser (so it’s not a completely unconsummated crush). He makes me nervous, so I only have the courage to flirt with him after I’ve had a few drinks, so I never know if he feels the same or if it’s just the booze.
And then I gave a ten year old some lingerie October 26, 2009
Posted by brandy in 98% of me thinks this is funny, Doing my part to help the economy, I sound drunk but I assure you I am not, I'm a lady. I'm a tramp., I'm scared to see the search engine results to this, confession of the day, i should be a P.S.A., it seemed like a good idea at the time..., let's still be friends?, something I won't forget, the title says it all, these are the things that happen to me, when i say it anyway.27 comments
This weekend I reclaimed my closet. At first I was just going to tackle spring/summer clothes and store them for the winter in my summer house garbage bags shoved into closets, but then a second of inspiration coupled with a fleeting moment of ambition led to me clearing off all my shelves, unfolding every article, removing each shirt, dress, regrettable sequined ensemble from it’s hanger and tossing it on my bed to be sorted and then placed in an appropriate bag to be either stored or given away.
I had had nearly finished when I stumbled upon a stack of lingerie. A stack that would make Victoria proud. A pile of pink silk, red satin and black lace spilled through my fingers. There were straps and snaps, bows and buttons, enough lingerie to make a man weep with happiness. And I had to get rid of it.
I have this… thing. About lingerie. As in, if one dude has seen me in it, then I really can’t wear it around another dude. It’s as though it’s this reminder of HEY I HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THEY REALLY ENJOYED THAT STRATEGICALLY PLACED BOW TOO!, which is roughly eight thousand shades of awkward. And of course no man is ever going to ask and no woman is ever going to admit it, but you just want to pretend that whatever you are wearing, isn’t something that other eyes have seen.
(This would be an expensive issue if I dated regularly but given the fact that I’m both lazy and picky and find myself in lingerie situations as often as man witnesses the solar eclipse, it hasn’t really been a problem. However. It’s sort of an issue now. Ahem.)
I decided that I would donate it. It felt REALLY weird to do, but, after scouring Value Village in years past for Halloween costumes, I came to realize that other people donate lingerie and that if someone can’t afford brand new lingerie but still wants to wear it- who am I to deny them that? I heaved the pile into the donate bag, kept on sifting through years of clothes and promptly forgot about the graveyard of sexwear residing in one of the donation bags.
I hauled the three garbage bags to the front door, mentally giving myself a week to haul them to my car (I’m all about baby steps, people), when my doorbell rang. It was the neighbour- thanking me for watching her dog while her family was out of the city at a church retreat. She spoke briefly of how powerful it was to witness people embrace God and how she was so thankful her daughter was with her for the moment. We talked about weather and getting colds and not dressing warmly enough and as the conversation drifted to clothes, I had the thought of giving all the clothes I was going to donate to Value Village to my neighbour’s daughter. She loved the idea and so did I- my neighbour even volunteered to send her daughter over to help me carry the bags to her house (an idea which I promptly fell in love with).
It wasn’t until this afternoon- more than twenty-four hours after I’d given the clothes away that I realized that I forgot the lingerie was in the bags. The bags I gave to a ten year old. Who has deeply religious parents. Who lives right next door.
The worst best part of it all is that I’m not even that surprised that I forgot about the pile and gave sexwear to a minor. That totally fits with how I roll. I’m trying to silver line this situation and the best I can come with is if she decides to dress up like a *slutty fairy for Halloween, she’s got a head start.
Oy.
*Hopefully the fact that you know, she’s TEN, coupled with the fact she’s raised in a really strict religious household will ensure she does not go the slut route on Halloween. If she does, I’m sending her this.
“The more weight I gain, the more I feel pressured to wear a lot of makeup.” October 25, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.13 comments
1. I look forward to having kids so I can blame my farts on my them.
2. I’m kind of jealous of all my high school peers who post pictures of their babies, houses, and husbands on facebook. I was married once and thought I’d have those things by now. Instead I’ve got a divorce decree, a lousy apartment, and a couple of cats.
3. I cry at sad moments during television shows, but bottle up the tears related to my own emotions. I wish I could share my feelings easier so I could have deeper connections with friends.
4. I always have my ear buds in when I’m at my desk. I am rarely listening to anything. I just use it as a deterrent to people stopping by to chat.
5. I’ve always wondered how I’ll know when I’ve found “the one.” My current theory is that I will have found Mr. Perfect when I’m willing to kick my dogs out of bed so he can sleep there.
6. I spent half an hour this morning looking at wedding pics from my first love’s wedding. At first I had hoped seeing the pictures would offer me some sort of closure. Halfway in, however, I was surprised by how gratifying it was to realize that I would’ve made a MUCH better looking bride than she did. She’s pretty and nice, but all I could think was, “Why in the world didn’t she do her hair and put some make-up on? Did she forget that she was supposed to get married that day?”
7. I envy people with loose morals. They seem to have a hell of a lot more fun than I do.
8. I used to tell my husband that I had no sex drive & then I would bring out toys to fulfill myself when he wasn’t home. The truth is, he just didn’t do it for me anymore.
9. I feel guilty because I have a great job in these horrible economic times, yet I spend 75% of my work days on Facebook, Blogger, etc.
10. My best friend contracted herpes from her boyfriend who got it when he cheated on her. Of all people, she is the last person who should have gotten it. I used to make a lot of herpes jokes (before she told me she had been diagnosed, I joked that I was glad she didn’t get herpes from him after they broke up) but now I want to punch people in the face for thinking it’s funny.
The One Where I Show You My Diamond Encrusted Toothbrush & Tell You Things Every Blogger Should Know October 22, 2009
Posted by brandy in I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, advice, because I can't do report cards 24/7, blogs, brookem is awesome!, don't judge me based on my love for bad music, earning my dork badge, i know- we all LOVE him, i love fragment sentences, i may write about the west wing forever, i think my sweetness gave you a cavity, i wrote this just for the picture, it makes sense to me, people i like, the last line is my favourite, the title says it all, the world according to me, top 10, you're skimming this one.29 comments
I was feeling listy. It was either this or “Ten Swear Words I Said Today Before 9 am“- I really was going to go with that one but three of them made me blush, that’s why I’m going with this. And before anyone complains, yes- I feel that blogging for almost three years (*holey cheese!) makes me a certified expert on blogging even if I a) don’t own my own domain b) have yet to make single dollar off my blog (but I have got a lot of free stuff?) c) have a nervous breakdown every time I try and change my blogroll/design.
Feel free to add your own. Or disagree with mine. If you dare… (I love how menacing ellipses are)
Ten Things Every Blogger Should Know
1. “The more work and heart and soul you put into a post, the fewer comments you’ll get”. – Peter. (Who knows a thing or 900 gazillion things about blogging. And writing fiction).
2. Blogging can be extremely social or incredibly lonely and some days it manages to be both at the very same time.
3. For every person who decides to leave you a comment lacking feeling or compassion or even logical argument- there’s some absolutely kick ass person in the blogging world who will send you a custom-made diamond encrusted toothbrush because you said you wanted one for your birthday.
Proof:
I told you. Kick. Ass. Now I just need someone to wash my car with the tears of orphans and get me mink lined seat covers and I’m absolutely set. Exactly 10 months until my birthday. Begin preparations!
4. Blogging solely for comments is like dating solely for sex. Sure it can be fun for a while but it’s ultimately exhausting and leaves you feeling like an empty broken shell. Or you know, you just get tired of doing it.
5. Blogs evolve.
6. If you let it, twitter will take a crowbar to your blog. It’s easy to get caught up in the 140 character limit world where you don’t have to worry about transition sentences and proper punctuation. Where you can tell only the most scandalous line of the story, the most brief explanation of your thoughts. And though I’m a reformed twitter-holic, I still enjoy it. But I have to say, lately I’ve been missing my blog. As much as I miss new episodes of The West Wing.
7. It is possible to fall in love with roughly 800 gazillion people through your blog. Through it, I’ve found some of my favourite writers people – girls who make me laugh, who make me cry, who make me think, who say it exactly how it is. Girls who make me want to dance in the kitchen, who inspire me to be more than I am, girls who always have a kind word to say and a friendly ear to listen .Girls who make prompt me to get more crafty and ones who write in ways that leave me breathless. Girls who get the parts of me no one else gets. And of course, dudes who cheer for the wrong football team- but send excellent (if not late) emails. And dudes who let me bbm them regarding Zac Efron and Ryan Reynolds abs.
8. Linking to some of your favourites will always make you feel incredibly lucky. (You should be reading all of those delights, if you aren’t already.)
9. Short post titles are less annoying. (I have yet to learn this lesson. Proof? See title).
10. A good post should teach you something, cause you to reflect, leave you wanting more or just include a picture of a diamond encrusted toothbrush an awesome song.
* I’ve fallen in love with **Geronimo Stilton. Can you tell?
** It’s perfectly normal to have no idea who this is. Unless you spend your day with 9 year olds- then it’s mandatory knowledge. But in case you were curious about the ‘holey cheese!’ comment, Geronimo is a mouse. He’s also a reporter, but that’s a whole other story.
Thank You Dr. Seuss October 21, 2009
Posted by brandy in I'm yoda. Everyone else is a grasshopper, and now you might know everything, i should be a P.S.A., it makes sense to me, it's always easier to say it than do it, life lesson, overwhelmed doesn't even begin..., school, self improvement, teaching, the J.O.B., the less i worry the happier i am, the title says it all, the world according to me, this tag is for you Arm!, what i found when i went looking, when I go all Dr. Seuss on you, you're skimming this one.17 comments
I’m sitting here in my classroom- one that was so ugly when I first met it, I almost cried. It was a thousand shades of beige with ripped construction paper and borders that didn’t quite meet around bulletin boards. It had dirty walls, smeared windows and it smelled like my grandmother’s basement. It had torn posters haphazardly dangling from the last cold remnants of sticky tack, a small collection of tattered books housed in a dirty plastic bin and 10 lonely desks stood in the center of the room.
I look around now. I have brightly colored material stretched over each bulletin board, cheerful border lining each one. I have a dazzling collection of books- on Robin Hood and magic and planets and a boy named Fudge filling a wooden bookcase and labeled bins and sorted in magazine holders. I have 18 desks filled with pencils and crayola markers and papers lined with thoughts of people young enough to still be brave enough to write down their wildest ideas. I have an orchid blooming at a reading table, the Mona Lisa hangs from the wall looking down and I have three dozen gorgeously fat roses blooming on my desk. It is a room that vibrates with potential and possibility and excitement when you enter. It is absolutely everything I ever wanted my classroom to be.
The funny thing is, I’ve been missing it. September curb stomped me, wore me down until I was nothing but a shell that rose each morning at 6:20 am and came home each night at 6:30 pm. I’ve been crabby and tired and when I looked around my room instead of seeing the colors and flowers and solved math problems of my genius class stapled to the bulletin board, I saw unfinished marking, the need for more books, a to-do list that multiplied every second I took my eyes away. I saw everything it wasn’t instead of what it was.
I have a poster hanging in my room. It’s a Dr. Seuss quote- one of my favourites, it says
You have brains in your head
you have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
Any direction you choose!
I’m so quick to tell me students they can do anything, be anyone, accomplish anything- that I’ve been forgetting that I can do the same too. I can steer myself any direction I choose- even steer myself away from a career responsible, (but soul depleting) schedule that leaves me aching for more and settling for less. And sometimes accomplishing less- spending less time at the school, quitting before the sun has left the sky, refusing to battle the photocopier one more time, is doing more. Sometimes crossing off fewer things on your to-do list (or just chucking the to-do list altogether) provides a kind of sanity you can’t find anywhere else.
Thank you Dr. Seuss.
(Because I am crazy, I’m also posting here today. It’s my first time writing fiction. Be kind internet, be kind).
“Peter Alexander from the Today Show.. scandalous!” October 18, 2009
Posted by brandy in the secret project.10 comments
It’s the 2nd edition of The Secret Project: Crush Edition. I’m loving what you are all confessing (I can’t wait to share the newest batch I got this weekend). Email me at brandyismagic@gmail.com if you have one to share! As always, I’m still taking submissions (for the Crush Editions and the good ol’ regular Secret Project), so if you have something you’d like to share- a crush or otherwise, feel free to email me.
And if you haven’t already, please go here and vote for me!
1. My current secret crush is Gerard Way, sexy lead singer of My Chemical Romance. This is not surprising as my earliest crush was Robert Smith of The Cure. Different era, same bad hair and horror makeup. Sexy! I also really love John Mayer, but only when he’s singing–he always looks so agonized … and constipated.
2. I have a crush on my old fuck buddy. We keep coming back to each other between relationships, but its never more than physical. Now we’re separated by 1000 miles, and for the first time I can admit that I’m falling in love with him. But for him, I don’t think it will ever be more than physical.
3. The redhead who works at Starbucks who makes my coffee everyday. She knows just how I like it and when she smiles? I want to propose marriage.
4. I am kind of worried that I am crushing on the guy I am supposed to just be friends-with-benefits with- uh oh.
5. You.
6. One of my profs is really good looking and so smart. I get flushed when I ask questions in class. He knows my name! I know that he is about 15 years older than me, and I know that he is my prof, but… I’ve got a crush!
7. I have the HUGEST crush on my workmate – he’s married and I’m very happy with my awesome boyfriend – but I can’t help it that he’s exactly the kind of guy I’d normally go for….Tall, intelligent, creative, hilariously funny with the darkest humour and loves so many things I love too. This whole thing took me by surprise very recently and now I can’t stop thinking about him – seeing him every day doesn’t help. I *think* the feeling is mutual and since it’s so new, I don’t really know what I want or what to do. Its not like I want an affair – I could never do that to my boyfriend – but is daydreaming about just a little kiss taking things too far??
Eeep! Gosh the back story is a bit long – I’ve known him for around a year and he’s not in our office all the time – him and another guy rotate shifts fortnightly. And he was away for months over which we started emailing each other. I got a little bit surprised at how giddy and stupid I’d get every time one of his emails arrived in my inbox. So this all built up with me going slowly mad at not knowing whether I was just getting carried away or what – now he’s only back in our office this week and I still feel like a lovesick teenager. What to do!
8. Ryan Reynolds. But that’s definitely not a secret. 
9. And yes, I have a crush on Peter DeWolf too. I was so attracted that I immediately became friends with him on Facebook. He must think I’m an idiot.
10. My latest crush is a character from a book. He is the Duke of Hawthorne from “Something Wonderful” by Judith McNaught. And I’m in Love. I must be! Every time I read his scenes I swoon!! And I get goosebumps. And i start shrieking and sighing. *SIGH*
